How to clean cum stains off a desk?

[Anonymous No.867027]

Not my pic but I have a similar issue. I can't get cum stains off a desk at home. It's made of mahogany wood.

I've tried a damp cloth with water and some alcohol wipes and neither worked.

What can I use to remove everything without damaging the wood desk?

[Anonymous No.867028]

>>867027

[Anonymous No.867029]

Just get a new one. Probably can find a good one for cheap or free on craigslist. Where I found my L desk

[Anonymous No.867030]

>>867029

No, it's an expensive desk.

[Anonymous No.867031]

>>867027

That would just scratch the fuck out of it.

Any serious answers? I can't remember where I checked but I briefly remember reading about an enzyme spray (often used for pet accidents in the house) Would this be ok to use on mahogany wood without damaging it?

[Anonymous No.867032]

>>867027
Sand down the whole table and then re-stain it with a stain of a similar color or of the desired color.
Perhaps it would be in your best interest to stain it off-white.

[Anonymous No.867035]

>>867032

Sand it down? Are you kidding me? There's no way. It's technically not even my desk.

[Anonymous No.867036]

>>867035
Well one way or another you're a fucking idiot.

Scrub as hard as you can with soap and water, perhaps even bleach.
If that doesn't work then you have no choice but to use small piece of sandpaper.

[Anonymous No.867038]

>>867027
What the hell dude I posted a very important request in the /adv/ thread.
>>>/adv/16173253

[Anonymous No.867039]

>>867027

Have a circle jerk and cover the whole desk in semen, so when it dries it matches.

[Anonymous No.867040]

>>867030
Then why the fuck are you Cumming on it? You can't magically remove it without damaging it in some way

[Anonymous No.867049]

>>867040

It's obviously accidental and not something you fucking realize until you actually take a look. It's nowhere near the amount of jizz in the picture, by the way

[Anonymous No.867050]

>>867049
Now you know that you have to clean up after yourself. Congratulations.

[Anonymous No.867051]

>>867027
Blast it with piss

[Anonymous No.867054]

>>867049
Why don't you cum into a tissue like everyone else?

[Anonymous No.867078]

>>867035
Ehm why we're you gapping on something that is not yours

[Anonymous No.867079]

>>867078
*Fapping

[Anonymous No.867104]

>>867054
Tissue is pleb tier.
Sock matter race.

[Anonymous No.867105]

>>867031
>mahogany wood

hahah, it's a piece of shit veneer on particle board desk

throw it away you sick fuck

[Anonymous No.867109]

To be fair, the gentoomans on
>>>/g/
should have more knowledge on this matter than the good people of /diy/ (if if this seems kinda diy worthy)

[Anonymous No.867112]

How about some 2000 grit sandpaper and some oil?

[Anonymous No.867157]

>>867105
OP said in the OP that the pic posted was not the desk in question.

So how the fuck do you know what his desk is made of?

[Anonymous No.867163]

OP, your best bet is to feign ignorance when/if your parents ask why your antique desk is covered in cumstains. They'll be just as embarrassed/disgusted as you, I guarantee it.

If you can't bring yourself to do that:
1) Stop jacking off under your desk.
2) STOP JACKING OFF UNDER YOUR DESK.
3) Try http://home.howstuffworks.com/home-improvement/home-diy/furniture-restoration/how-to-repair-wooden-furniture-surfaces.htm

[Anonymous No.867196]

>>867027
blast it with piss

[Anonymous No.867199]

try scrubing it with walnuts

[Anonymous No.867207]

>>867199
The wall is already covered with his nuts

[anon No.867227]

Stanley blade at a low angle and scrape it off. New blade won't scratch your desk

[Anonymous No.867228]

Simple Green.

[Anonymous No.867231]

>>867028
/thread

[Anonymous No.867236]

>>867157
it's a piece of shit if he's jerking off under it

[Anonymous No.867240]

>>867207
My sides stop already before I pee myself silly.

[Anonymous No.867243]

>>867207
to be fair, i saw that cumming

[Anonymous No.867379]

>>867027

[Anonymous No.867389]

Be careful, this stuff can strip paint and will probably take off the varnish if left on for too long.

Spray it, leave it for like a minute and then wipe off.

[Anonymous No.867393]

>>867027

[Anonymous No.867398]

use a Mr. lean magic eraser or ur mom's toothbrush lol fgt

[Anonymous No.867399]

>>867393
can't believe no one called out this b8 until now

pic related google image search. come on guys, you are smarter than this

[Anonymous No.867415]

>>867027
In high school chemistry class we learned the rule that "Like dissolves like". You can remove dry nail polish with wet nail polish, you can remove glue with more glue.

TDLR you have to have a male orgy.

[Anonymous No.867421]

>>867399
Dumbass OP said it wasn't his.
Read next time.

[Anonymous No.867450]

>>867399
>Not my pic but I have a similar issue.
>Not my pic

First 3 words of OP retard.

[Anonymous No.867560]

Ok here's what you do. Load up a really good porno, start spanking the monkey. You're going to aim for the other cum stains. You know how writing over whiteboard marker removes the underneath layer of marker? The same goes for cum. Cum on your cum and then lick it up. Savour the taste you stupid piece of shit. Then clean it up.

[Anonymous No.867573]

I use h202 (hydrogren peroxide) on my socks when I wash them.

Heard from an old college bro whose mom is a nurse. h202 kills the organic protiens and leaves the inorganic shit behind or something.

Though I'd imagine you'd need a higher concentrate of h202

maybe try borax.

things that can dissolve protiens is what you want.

[Anonymous No.867577]

I was in a similar situation a couple years ago. I was living with mum in a rental, came all over the wall behind the desk for half a year. Then I find out I have to move out pretty quickly.

Panic set in. Nothing could get the cum off. Fucking nothing. I tried everything. Got it clean enough that mum just thought it was some mould (it went a bit yellow over time) . But it was still pretty bad especially on the skirting board.

[Anonymous No.867716]

>>867027
>I've tried a damp cloth with water
use some soap and water faggot, this plus elbow grease cleans many many things

[Anonymous No.867717]

>>867027
Nigga you just jerk off on the bottom of your desk without even a tissue or something? Tf is wrong with you

[Anonymous No.867792]

polish the whole desk with cum to stain it all the same colour.

[Anonymous No.867799]

>>867577
What the fuck, have you not heard of tissues?
What kind of sicko cums over a fucking wall?

[Anonymous No.867881]

>>867027
This is fucking vile.
Stand on the desk and hang yourself.

[Anonymous No.867899]

>>867027

[Anonymous No.868078]

What the fuck, why would you cum on the desk, dumbass?

[Anonymous No.868086]

>>867027
How about wipping with milk ? Would hide things

[Anonymous No.868128]

This is the "just in case you forgot /diy/ in on 4chan" thread.

[Anonymous No.868145]

>>867027
For the next time.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jSR8a24xxuw

[Anonymous No.868146]

you're filthy

burn the desk and get a new one, then join a religion that prohibits being an idiot

[Anonymous No.868234]

>>867573
It's H2O2, stop trying to sound like a chemist.

[Anonymous No.868641]

>>867716
you clearly have never cleaned cum off a surface before -_-

[Anonymous No.868698]

Use carb/brake cleaner. Guaranteed to take the stain of.

[Anonymous No.868736]

>>867104
Evidently you're wrong. You're like a fucking child too stupid to realize that what you're doing is fucking dumb.

Still.
What coating does it have? You may be able to just clean it off with a few tissues and a solvent.

[Anonymous No.868737]

>>868641
It's protein. Warm clean water does the trick. No need to edgyface us

[Anonymous No.868757]

>>867104
I cum into my hand and wipe it off into my pubic hair

[Anonymous No.868941]

I cum into a test tube and sell it as bootleg bull semen.

[Anonymous No.869056]

>>867027
>cum stains
>on an expensive desk
do you just blow your load on it and then go to sleep? letting the shit dry up instead if wiping it off with some tissues, or hell, just jizz into the tissues
problem solved

TL;DR
quit cumming on your desk

[Anonymous No.869126]

>>867027
>1 part water
>1 part vinegar
yw

[Anonymous No.869343]

>>867573
from my eperiences hydrogen peroxide often cleans more than you'd wanted, so I'd try it on some edge where any possible damage won't be visible

[Anonymous No.869370]

>>867027
All you anons are sick repugnant mother fukers Jeeez, who the hell cumms all over a desk for christs sake, a colossal idiot moron evidently.

[Anonymous No.869457]

>>868736
What evidence..?

[Anonymous No.869545]

>>869126
But vinegar is already 19/20ths water.

[Anonymous No.869618]

>>867030
>pressboard
>expensive

k

either your retarded or someone juked you out out of some cash.

[Anonymous No.869642]

>>867199
This is actually a good idea
>>867207
This is actually a good response

[Anonymous No.869644]

Problum solved

[Anonymous No.869740]

>>867031

Use blood cleaning liquid. You can get it in some stores, its for when you bleed on your clothing, and breaks up the protein in the blood to get it out of your clothing, apparently that works really well for cum as well. So i heard, i have not tested it tough.

[Anonymous No.869760]

>>869740
Can confirm. Have cleaned the blood and cum out of my underwear.

[Anonymous No.869816]

>>869740
>>869760
would this product work to get the blood and cum out of the trunk of my car?

[Anonymous No.869819]

>>869816
there was only the one small patch on the back. probably spot test before trying it on a large area.

[Anonymous No.869868]

cum comes out just fine in the wash. why not just hot soapy water?

[Anonymous No.869936]

>>869760
>the blood and cum out of my underwear
Is that due to having intercourse with someone while they were menstruating pray tell?

[Anonymous No.870036]

>>869936
no, jerking off with kidney stones

[Anonymous No.870079]

Lick it, you filthy fag.
No, srsly, lick it. Your saliva dissolves that shit.