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2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/diy/ - Do It Yourself

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File: 53 KB, 300x225, Jehovah's Witnesses.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
43508 No.43508 [Reply] [Original]

Clever ways to make door to door solicitors and Jehovah's Witnesses gtfo.

Must be deployable/hidable before door is opened to avoid detering people you actually want at your door.

>> No.43513

Wear a strap on

/thread

>> No.43517

Go to door
>I am naked, drunk, have a gun and a raging boner.

>i will open this door in 1 minute.

>> No.43519

>>43508
*open door*
~who the fuck is this guy?~
Anon: "Are you selling something?"
Cunt: "No...."
~Okay...~
Cunt: "Blah blah free trial/test/research/survey.....blah blah buy our shit"
~fuck you~
Anon:Fuck off
*close door*

>> No.43520

Can you go at my neighbor house? I will be there in one minute.

>> No.43524

open door
curtly yet politely say "i'm not interested, thank you" and close the door

>> No.43527

I keep a fake book on Satanism that I made handy and try to convert them instead.

http://davelowe.blogspot.com/2008/09/halloween-08-making-old-creepy-books.html

A nice thick encyclopedia works best.

>> No.43532

>>43508
for the witnesses, cite them Matthew 10:14
"If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town."

>> No.43535

>>43527
a friend of mine did that once. only he went to the door wearing a rubber goat mask and informed them he was in the middle of a black mass

they totally believed him

>> No.43548

>>43524
I tried that the other week. He kept pushing me. I had to tell him about 5 times. Then he turned around and walked away without saying anything.

>> No.43555

>>43548
Did you close the door? Because, thats a very important part. Just step inside your house, close the door, and walk away.

>> No.43557

>>43555
But then I would have felt like I was the rude cunt and not him. I hate door solicitors now though, won't be a problem next time.

>> No.43560

>>43548
I'm with -
>>43555
on this, because if you keep standing there with the door open, watching them, you invite them to keep talking. They won't talk to a closed door. Not for very long, at least.

>> No.43562

>My dad's way
Moan like a woman in ecstasy, throw in some animal noises for good measure.
They actually stay pretty long, I think it was almost 2 minutes.

>> No.43566

Keep a satanic pentagram by the door, Politely ask who they are. When they say Jehovah witness curtly produce pentagram and scare the fuck out of them by babbling nonsense in a demonic tone.
They'll think their being cursed and most likely run off.

>> No.43570

>>43508
Just ask questions.
>Does this religion follow US laws?
>Does this religion allow cannibalism
>How does your religion define "rape"
>Does this religion follow age of consent laws?
>Can I have dinner with your family?

>> No.43572

>>43508

>avoid detering people you actually want at your door

>Draw chalk outline of human body on your doorstep, yellow tape, scatter religious pamphlets around Friday night before bed.
>Call and warn anyone you might be expecting on Saturday morning.
>Clean up Saturday afternoon.

Problem solved.

>> No.43633

a 5 pointed star painted using silver spray and red paints works well for me. painted it on garage door. everyone things its some evil shit. i just painted it because i was angsty teenager

its like 6 feet from one one leg to an opposite leg

>> No.43635

My method works 100% of the time. It's guaranteed to make them walk away in fifteen seconds or less, every. single. time.

What I do is:

1. Get a balloon
2. get a funnel
3. fill the balloon with yogurt.
4. Get a ladder
5. tape the spout of the balloon to the ceiling about three feet behind the door
6. get a cat
7. Wrap the cat in bubble wrap, like a little suit
8. suspend the cat via some string over a tub of milk under the balloon
9. Attach several clothespins to your scrotum. It hurts, but bear with it.
10. duct-tape everything in your silverware drawer to your chest
11. wait until they knock on the door
12. don't answer it and they'll walk away after like 7 seconds.
13. feel retarded because you're too retarded not to answer the door when two pasty white guys in suits knock on your door.

>> No.43671

I have a GREAT one.

>They knock.
>You open the door.
>Let them in.
>Sit down in living room.
>Listen to what they have to say.
>Consider their beliefs.
>Tell them you enjoyed their visit, and politely show them them out.
>Think on their beliefs for a while, and contemplate your worldview.
>Be a better person for it.

>> No.43678

simple, i'd open cary one of my guns, most likely my mosin or a mossberg or one of my handguns

>> No.43682
File: 63 KB, 215x320, guns_and_alcohol2.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
43682

I actually did this a few years back. I was on my deck and invited them up. Just as they began their spiel, I asked them if they hold on for just a second. I went inside and got my AK knock-off, cleaning kit, a beer, and a fifth for vodka. I told them I had no problem listening to them, if they didn't mind if I had a few and cleaned my rifle while they said what they had to say. They politely declined and left rather quickly.

>> No.43683

Why not just ask them to leave?

>> No.43684

>>43683

That solution provides no entertainment value.

>> No.43685

>>43683
Simple answers halt human improvement.

>> No.43765

Do what I do.
Get a pair of those red contacts.
And a pair of sunglasses.
Put both on.
Open the door, start to invite them in, and then stop.
Start screeming.
Rip off the sunglasses and talk in tounges (jibberish) while staring them in the soul.
Act possed.
Slam the door and break a vase or something an continue screeming if they don't run off.

>> No.43864

Usually I poletily decline and close the door on them, but one summer when I was a teenager I was feeling bored and spied them a few houses down the street.

Now, I went to a private Catholic school back then, so I put on my uniform (every uniformed school student knows how to do this in like three seconds) with my rosary and all and grabbed my Bible. The bell rang and I opened the door.

Cue epic Crusader channeling as I ran after them, screaming, denouncing their "OMG HERESSY, WITCHERY, BELIEF IN FALSE PROPHETS, DESACRATION OF THE WORD OF THE LORD ALMIGHTY DIE! DIE! DIE!" etc., swinging my Bible as if trying to hit them. Ran them down two blocks before I got bored and went back home to change and watch TV. The neighbor was outside, nearly pissing himself in laughter.

Good times.

>> No.43889

>>43864
Oh my god, that is the most hilarious shit I have ever heard in my life!

>> No.43930

Saturday morning after a looong night of drinking and fun.
Didnt sleep, decided to maintain my M4 RAM.
Door bell rings... half asleep, I simply forgot the nearly complete assembled rifle in my hand.
So I open the door, cant speak clearly but more like some babbling and growling cause of long night, drunk, half asleep and wave my hand to show them "get off my ground".... with the rifle in hand.
They began screaming and ran away... didnt know WTF that was about till I realized I must have looked like some lunatic... Plus I was only partially clothed.
Didnt want to scare them thou, as I´m normally friendly even towards such nuisances.

Other time, a bit later.
They really came at a bad time. You see I´ve two dogs, both not neutered, one male one female. They can and do fuck if she´s not in heat, but to avoid any accidents I get her rocks off with an dildo during these times of the year and wank him off. (Used to do the latter as a job, artificial insemination of livestock). Never had problems with any unwanted whelps with this method.
Now for the fun part:
They came as I was just pleasuring her, I also was awaiting a package. Thats why I opened the door in the firstplace. So I welcomed them in, they saw the lube on the floor of my living room and my bitch running around me with a dildo in her mouth..... "Yeah she´s in heat and needs to get her female rocks off. Hope you don´t mind."
They left so fast I thought they brake the lightspeed barrier *laughs*

And no, I not really take pleasure from it but strapping a condom over my male is not SO easy as some might think.

>> No.43965

Here's a simple trick that won't hurt anyone, but will give most an amusing start. You can use in conjunction with any of the other devil-worship props.

First, obtain a lightning globe. You've seen one-- they're the clear spheres with a black rod inside that emits colored lines towards your fingers when you touch it.

Second, get a small container of classic silly putty, two lengths of good copper wire (plastic coated!), two of those brass pins that close brown envelopes, an empty match box, and a paper clip. A large amount of command strips will also help to mount everything.

With the globe TURNED OFF, mount the lightning globe on the wall next to your door, making sure that the opened door won't hit it. Warm the silly putty in your hands until it is malleable, and then cover a small portion of the clear part of the globe with it. Attach the stripped end of one length of wire to the silly putty after you shave an inch of wire covering off with scissors, and the other stripped end to the wire to the inside door knob. Repeat with the second wire to complete the circuit.

You can make a switch for the circuit by pushing the brass pins through the empty matchbox while securing the paperclip to the top of the box with one of the pens. Clip one of the wires in half, strip the new ends, and attach each end to a brass pin.

Turn the globe on.

Paper clip up, safe to touch. Paper clip down, and the outside doorknob is nastily electrocuted.

>> No.43991

>>43965
Why would they touch your doornob though? Instead of just knocking on the door?

>> No.44002

>>43991
I am unsure. It just seemed like a good idea at the time of the posting. Perhaps one could be creative and figure out a way to make the door's outside surface conduct electricity? The doors at my old dorm were metal-coated, so many hijinks were had with this.

>> No.44040

i start by informing them i worship the old gods, strictly speaking Thor and Tyr. usually, they're interested enough to ask about them... i then inform them (perhaps correctly, perhaps incorrectly, who cares?) that Thor is the god of thunder, and he demands bravery and rewards great bravery with a place in Valhalla, and that Tyr demands war and bloodshed, and calls for your enemies to be destroyed. I then tell them i consider the entire christian religion and all denominations as an enemy. works like a charm... had them run away so fast i thought they were going to make the speed camera flash. Another tactic i've used is to rave about the flying spaghetti monster/raptor jesus etc, fucking hilarious results with raptor jesus or zombie jesus though, they really don't like that one.

>> No.44060

At my old house, I got so fed up with religious people/solicitors that I taped a sign explaining that my family did not want to be bothered by any of these people to my front door and left it there for about a month. We were never bothered again.

My brother's friend, however, had a genius idea. He, a grown man, was going to by some lime green footsie pajamas. He was planning to open the door with it zipped open while eating a bowl of cereal, shouting "WHAT, I'M BUSY!" and then just leaving his door open and walking away. Hopefully they'd be weirded out enough to not bother him anymore.

>> No.44190

>dad taped a sign saying "No soliciting (this includes religion) Thank you.
>i think that would just taunt them even more
>it actually works and we havent been bothered since

>> No.44204 [DELETED] 

>>43508
*facepalm*
1. Religionfags knock on door
2. Open door, tell them "Not interested, please leave"
3. Repeat #2 as necessary until religionfags go away

Now YOU GTFO out of /diy/ with this shit.

>> No.44214

Where the hell do you live that Jehovah's Witnesses wear suit coats? I have never seen this in my life. This just blew my fucking mind.

>> No.44248

well it's pretty easy, be nice and ask them to put you on the blacklist. their local leader or whatever puts you on a list so that they will all avoid your house. don't be an asshole, just ask it politly

>> No.44257

>>44248

That doesn't work, sometimes. Depending on how much of an asshole the regional leader is, the only way to get them to stop can be threatening to get the police involved.

>> No.44258

I like to do the opposite, when they come up to my door, for example:
>Have you excepted jesus christ into your life?
>Who's jesus?
makes them freak out and explain the world to me. The plan is to keep them at my door for as long as possible so as to piss them off.

>> No.44360

>>44214
Huh, they even wear these here in Germany. If two people, mostly a men and a women walk around the street both in suits then their most likely from the Witnesses.
I sometimes miss them.... was funny with them. Most people I know got on their blacklist sooner or later though.

Fun Fact:
A friend of mine is a "faithful" christian i.e. he believes in the whole BS. Some good philosophical discussions though.
So he joined a friend of his who is in the Witnesses to accompany him to one of their sessions.... told us that they are REALLY fucked up <- That being told from HIM says all.

>> No.44580

>>44360

haha oh wow... I wonder what his opinion of Mormons would be

>> No.44594

Here's a simple one for jehova's. Put a blood donor sticker on your door.

>> No.44599

>>44594
Why? What does that do?

>> No.44602

>>44599
They strongly don't believe in blood transfusion. They'll regularly refuse to receive donor blood and die in hospital settings.

>> No.44611

>>44602

thats... Thats insanely stupid...

>> No.44617

>>44611
Yeah, but, that's the blood that god gave them or some shit. I dunno the logic behind it.

>> No.44620

>>44611

Well, yeah. Religion?

>> No.44621 [DELETED] 
File: 12 KB, 224x167, 1291200025531.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
44621

>haven't had jehovah's witnesses in a long time
>remember that I had out-philosophized them
>mfw

Pick a random religion (or simply no religion at all) and just firmly talk about it or tell them no.

>> No.44629

>>44611

Not anymore than other christian women dying for their refusal to have an abortion that'd ave their lives (think ectopic pregnancy, etc) or putting their malformed babies through a short, miserable existance because of the same.

Or men and women willing to immolate themselves and their children for their god.

Or being accomplice in the cover up of sexual abuse because the abuser is a respected member of high hierarchy in their religious society.

I could go on

>> No.44631

>>44621

well yeah but then they keep coming back

>> No.44643

>>44631

Then they are total retards. Here is what you do:

>Sign that says No Religious Solicitation

They step on your property, you've already declared that it is off-limits.

>> No.44656

I had a sign by the door that said:

Warning: Large snake loose in house.

I really did have one by the way. It was a ten-foot long Boa Constrictor that liked to sun itself in the front window. The sign worked really well. We had no door-to-door salesmen, religious types, or break-ins.

>> No.44675

>>44656

thats epic

>> No.44677

>>44204
>*action*
>*fags
>all caps
>using GTFO
>>>/b/

>> No.44683

>>44617
I believe it's even stupider. Like, their religion forbids them from eating or drinking blood... And they consider transfusions "ingesting blood" or something.

>> No.44690
File: 31 KB, 464x350, 9Picture 12.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
44690

Drill tiny holes in your door, about a foot and a half above the floor.
Use hole to shoot at their kneecaps with a pellet gun or paintbal gun.

>> No.44703

I'm female, and when I'm lounging around the house, I don't wear much.
>keep robe near door
>Throw it on over clothing when you notice it's witnesses

That's pretty much all there is... be female and make them think you're naked.
If it goes too far, say something like "Baby? Can you put the candle out and keep the chocolate sauce warm? Some men are here to talk to us about jesus."

>> No.44707

unless they are salesmen, just talk to them. it's probably the most social interaction you people will get all day. you'll be thinking about what you said for weeks.

>> No.44709

1. Hear knock at door on saturday morning
2. open door half asleep eating cereal
3. first thing out of their mouth is "hello, have you accepted the lord jesus christ into your life?"
4. Answer "yes, he stole 50 bucks and my old TV, is their a warrant out yet? Who did he steal from this time?"
5. They act offended, confused and leave
6. go back to eating cereal.

>> No.44714

>>44709
Alternatively
1. hear knock
2. answer door
3. be asked about god
4. inform them that their is a church on every corner of every block in America, if by this point i have not heard the glorious word of your invisible master I am deaf, or not ment to hear it. If god is as great and powerful as they claim, he probably would not need door to door religion peddlers to bother people first thing on a Saturday morning.
5. go back to what you as doing.

>> No.44719

Used to do door to door work for get out the vote or political campaigns sometimes.
I hope I never come to your doors, anon.

Although it would be better than what every asian person in my heavily asian town does.
If they aren't expecting anyone, if someone rings the bell or knocks and isn't asian, they don't answer the door. Then they just ignore you or turn the TV up til you go away.

I actually think getting electroshocked or run off by crazy jesus freaks would be more fun...

>> No.44743

tell them you have been excommunicated and they will have to leave you alone
they will blacklist you

>> No.44744

Just tell them you are not interested at the moment in what they have to say and apologize.

"You know, my _____ would have taken the time but she is not here and at the moment I am not interested in what you have to offer/say/etc. I'm sorry but thank you. Have a nice day."

>> No.44746

>obtain Folgers tin, drill, surgical tubing, pollen, electric match, tape, camouflage for the tin, and wiring for the match to a remote trigger

pollen when blown into the sealed Folgers tin becomes combustible

figure it out

>> No.44751

One Saturday Mormon
>Wake up at 8:00 am, after getting home from work at the hospital around 7:00 am.
>Hear someone knocking on the door, decide to ignore it and go back to sleep.
>Son goes downstairs and answers it.
>They say they would like to talk to the man of the house.
>Son comes upstairs to wake me up and tells me that there's someone at the door who needs to talk me. Sounds imperative.
>Groggily make my way to the door. Open it, feeling momentarily disoriented by the sudden flash of light sweeping in through the hall.
>Hear something to the extent of, "Have you heard of the Book of Mormon?"
>Tell them, sure brb, k?
>Go upstairs.
>Throw my wife and kids out of bed.
>Parade them around naked downstairs, making them clutch each others genitals.
>Mormons leave and never return.

>> No.44759 [DELETED] 

I'm Jewish, and I wear a yarmulke. They don't even try, they just walk away.

>> No.44769

I've been meaning to tell them my story of being in a cult too during my first year of college. I would then tell them that I know what it's like, how trying it is, the anxiety and how worthless you feel. But then I would tell then that it doesn't have to be that way.

I wouldn't use the word cult though.

But my dad always answers the door.

>> No.44778

I accept their pamphlets and literature, then go to their religious services, all the while not believing a word of it. What a bunch of suckers!

>> No.44780

>open door
>you callin' me a loser?
>blow up in their face
>make a video game
>acquire girlfriend

>> No.44787
File: 22 KB, 500x375, epic-win-photos-no-soliciting-win.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
44787

As a canvasser of 6 years experience, all you have to do is just put a "No Soliciting" Sign up that is noticeable from the sidewalk.

A) Its illegal for a canvasser to hit a house with a no soliciting sign
B) Having a no soliciting sign means you are a dickhead and we don't want to talk to you anyways
C) It saves me a lot of time, as I can skip your house and find somone else to totally get screwed over....I mean sign up for a free estimate *coughs*...
Pic Related.

>> No.44800

>Make your own religion.
>Solicit them.

>Say you were just about to finish
>Never say what
>Imply what you wish

>Come to the door dressed as a Mormon, God, or Jesus.

>Inform them you'd prefer they didn't solicit you.

>/d­iy/ a net
>Say you've captured them for Satan.
____________________________
OR
DO IT YOUR GODDAMNED SELF
____________________________
Also
>not /diy/
>cancer

>> No.44808

i always accidentally open the door for mormons/witnesses/salesmen thinking they are the mailman with my sweet new box of crap i can't wait for. i just say "oh shit, pass" and shut the door.

if you already know what your answer is going to be and let the conversation go beyond 5 words then you are wasting both parties' time and are no better than the mormons

>> No.44821

>>44780
sup /a/

>> No.46215

not funny, not sneaky, not mean, but has been 100% effective for me in multiple states I've lived in: say "thank you for your concern, but I'm not interested. have a nice day." I generally smile while saying this. you can also ask that they and their church/organization not return.

if it gets bad enough, you can get them for trespassing. in most locales, you can give them verbal notice that they aren't to return. worst case scenario, call the cops.