Family Cooking Horror Stories

[Anonymous No.9825249]

>At girlfriends family thanksgiving for the first time.
>Apparently her family trims the white meat off the turkey and throws the rest away with the carcass every year.
>They think the dark meat is garbage, like only feral dogs would want it
>Wait till the old people are distracted with football in the other room
>Have to sneak the turkey carcass into the trunk of my car to eat the dark meat later
>I forget about it and it ends up making the car smelly anyway

Seriously, who the fuck does this? I'd never heard of throwing away all the dark meat before. Is this some baby boomer wastefulness that was lost on subsequent generations?

[Anonymous No.9825271]

op it sounds like you were the feral dog in that story

[Anonymous No.9825362]

>>9825271
This.
Her family is odd for only eating the white meat. But you are the weirdo that crept around trying to steal the "garbage". Guarantee one of them saw you and are talking shit about you and probably her to the rest of the family.

[Anonymous No.9825450]

>"I like the dark meat, can I have it?"
Was that so hard?

[Anonymous No.9825472]

>sister comes over to help me make duck à l’orange for my parents anniversary dinner
>accidentally fuck her

[Anonymous No.9825475]

That chicken looks nasty when it comes out of the can, but I bet it would look just fine once it's been heated up in the oven.

[Anonymous No.9825479]

>>9825450
depends on the family, I bet he's trying to marry up and they think he's garbage. and rightfully so

[Anonymous No.9825487]

>>9825249
>I forget about it and it ends up making the car smelly anyway
That's what happens when you get the Dark Turkey Curse

[Anonymous No.9825502]

I dont have horror stories so much as the way my mom cooks is extremely annoying and substandard whenever she isnt making one of her really good 'signature' dishes.

Does not pound her chicken, doesn't time or measure anything properly, has extremely shitty knife skills, has no sense of portion control, under seasons, etc. And she thinks criticism is "being mean" so even just trying to get her to stop making 7 massive chicken breasts for 3 people + 3 side dishes is unacceptable. I grew up thinking shit like burnt rice and overly tough/bland chicken was normal til I started learning on my own from the internet.

[Anonymous No.9825508]

>>9825472
gib greentext deets naow

[Anonymous No.9825512]

>>9825472
post donger

[Anonymous No.9825774]

>>9825249
>be britfag
>used to have ldr with american girl
>Go to then-gf's thanksgiving dinner when visiting
>first time I've met her extended family
>just before dinner gf's cousin's partner says she is pregnant
>aunt starts crying with joy and going nuts
>just sitting there awkwardly

[Anonymous No.9825817]

>christmas last year
>my aunt makes mac n cheese
>she puts corn in it
I don't know what was going through her stupid fucking head

[Anonymous No.9825831]

>>9825774
Literaly normal social interaction, are you non-ironically autistic?

[Anonymous No.9825992]

>>9825831
Yes.

[Anonymous No.9826029]

>>9825472
NOW THATS WHAT I CALL A STICKY SITUATION

[Anonymous No.9826037]

>>9825817
corn is delicious in mac and cheese, you should just be happy she made food for your ungrateful ass

[Anonymous No.9826043]

>>9825475
https://youtu.be/gP74xUyYaoo

[Anonymous No.9826047]

>>9825508
>sister comes over to help me make duck à l’orange for my parents anniversary dinner
>accidentally fuck her
dingus

[Anonymous No.9826687]

>>9825992
lmao BASED UNAFRAID AUTISM MAN

[Anonymous No.9827858]

>Go to aunt's place
>She says she's making sausages
>See her pour a fuck ton of sugar on the hot water
>Wtf is she doing?
>She then proceeds to put the sausages
>At this point it was too late
>I see the syrup like water moving the sausages around
>She serves me a plate with mash potato and the sausages
>Had to save the urge not to vomit for 1 hour

[Anonymous No.9827898]

>dad loves noodles
>really loves noodles
>all kinds
>would eat them everyday if no one stopped him
>sometimes does anyway

>come home from work one day
>dad is eating a bowl of pasta
>but the house smells like potstickers
>wut
>go to kitchen
>he had prepared some frozen potstickers, chopped them up, cooked a pot of angel hair, mixed them together and put shredded cheddar on top
>he ate all of it

[Anonymous No.9827909]

>>9825249

Break up with her.


She is no good.


she wastes food.


wasting dark meat is a fucking sin

Listen anon


break


up


with


her

[Anonymous No.9827937]

>>9827898
RIP, dad.

[Anonymous No.9827951]

>>9825831
No, he's British. Any sort of emotional excitement is strictly forbidden.

[Anonymous No.9827993]

>>9827898
Hahahaha I love it.
I bet its something he did in his college days.

My dad always talks about how good peanut butter and mayo sandwiches taste, from his college days

[Anonymous No.9828024]

>>9826043
No no no no no no no no no no n o n o n 9 b o n o b o b o n ixb 9xh 8xbx8dbx8sbxuejabeuejiehd8eneu3jdiendiejdisjd8r

[Anonymous No.9828366]

>>9827951
That joke would work if I hadn't already said yes you retard

[Anonymous No.9828377]

>>9825831
>>9825992
>>9826687
Also my ex, her dad and her aunt all agreed that it was awkward for someone not in the family to be there in such an intimate moment.

[Anonymous No.9828398]

>>9825249
>Wife's father remarried
>Go to new step-mother's place for Thanksgiving
>Cooking the turkey in one of those big turkey roasters
>She says that she put it in at 9 that morning
>It's 6pm
>check the temperature of the turkey
>"265 degrees should be done, right?"
It was like eating sawdust. No amount of gravy or cranberry sauce could save it, and it was one of my first times meeting her so I couldn't really say anything

[Anonymous No.9828434]

>>9825249
I've just checked for that can, t's real! Disgusting!

[Anonymous No.9828874]

>>9825502
I'd pound your mom's chicken

[Anonymous No.9829092]

>>9825475
pretty sure it would still look dead

[Anonymous No.9829120]

>>9828366
you dont get jokes, autist

[Anonymous No.9829156]

>>9828377
>caring what her ex thinks
Typical britcuck

[Anonymous No.9829167]

>>9825817
>not enjoying creamed corn
>not enjoying creamed corn and mac n cheese
>not enjoying them together

[Anonymous No.9829199]

Mother in law is awful cook. Wife told me she doesn't like pork chops because pork chops are hard, dry, and make her choke. Don't want shitty overcooked turkey this Thanksgiving so I offer to cook at her house.

> Buy fat turkey from Whole Foods with discount
> Bring it two days early, dry rub 24 hours out
> Butter under the skin and dick is hard
> Cook it in a fucking pot because no roasting pan
> Pull it out and let it rest. Crispy_skin.jpeg
>"Anon, we need soda. Can y'all please run to the Walmart?"
> Okay but the turkey is perfect. Don't put a lid on it. Don't put it in the oven. It's. PERFECT.
> Get down the street
> Where's my wallet? Gotta go back..
> Walk in, turkey is missing
> Open oven door.
> Lid on oven set to 450*f

That time the mother in law tried to Grinch my Thanksgiving turkey. Wife likes pork chops now.

[Anonymous No.9829378]

>mum making indian head
>we don't have any whole kernel corn, just canned creamed corn
>just strains and rinses the creamed corn
The texture was unironically like a mushy shit with particles in it.

[Anonymous No.9829384]

>>9829378
>indian head
???

[Anonymous No.9829389]

>>9829384
It's a casserole with ground beef, shelled pasta, tomato puree, corn, etc. It's like a mix between chili and jambalaya.

[Anonymous No.9829397]

so they were racists? lol

[Anonymous No.9829438]

>>9829389
Never heard of it. Sounds okay though. Where does that name come from?

[Anonymous No.9829449]

>>9829438
I honestly have no idea. I tried googling it and it's nowhere to be found. I'm sure it has to do with the native Americans though. I wonder if it's just a family recipe. I'd ask my mom if it wasn't midnight, and I'm not even sure exactly how to make it myself.

[Anonymous No.9829491]

>>9827909
Reddit
The post

[Anonymous No.9829504]

>Digging meat out of the trash
Are you homeless?

[Anonymous No.9829634]

>>9828377
The reason you bring your bf/gf to a family festivity is because you think he or she might be in the future part of the family. Bonding through such experiences is part of becoming family. If you niggers wouldn't bring your bump and dump cunts and meat sticks to family dinners, you wouldn't need to cringe thinking of a sweet family moment. It's not like they asked you to deliver it straight from her crotch on the dinning table and enjoy some ejected womb-pudding afterwards.

[Anonymous No.9829795]

>>9829438
>>9829449
>ground beef, shelled pasta, tomato puree, corn, etc.
the corn makes it indian and the rest a mushed up decapitated head, sounds like to me

[Anonymous No.9829810]

>>9829795
I'm not complaining. Savages living in fucking skin huts too stupid to invent their own guns shouldn't be allowed to exist.

[Anonymous No.9830030]

>>9829156
Learn how to read.
>>9829634
I'm not cringing and I never said it wasn't sweet. I just didn't know what to do other than smile a little. The reason it was weird was that I wasn't the only person sitting there in silence, it was just the pregger girl and aunt talking

[Anonymous No.9830048]

>>9827909
>having flaws of any kind means you should break up
Know how I know you're single?

[Anonymous No.9830067]

>>9829634
>tfw met my boyfriends parents for Thanksgiving this year
>have a great time and bond with them all
I enjoy it when things go right. It doesn't happen often for me.

[Anonymous No.9830093]

>>9830048
How's dating single mothers going for you, champ?

[Anonymous No.9830095]

>>9830093

[Anonymous No.9830097]

>>9830095

[Anonymous No.9830104]

>>9830097
How was any of that smug, homo.

[Anonymous No.9830113]

>>9830104
Ignore the smug part.

[Anonymous No.9830353]

My mom's "signature" dish was awful

>boneless skinless chicken breast baked with salt and pepper until overcooked
>diced into small chunks and then boiled in campbells chicken broth with potato chopped to be larger than golf balls, carrot slices and onion
>she adds so much salt to the broth that it's bordering on inedible
>figure out that she only puts the "soup" in her bowl with a slotted spoon

[Anonymous No.9830369]

>>9825472
common problem when making duck a l'orange. you probably didn't use the right kind of oranges.

[Anonymous No.9830427]

I don't know, that is weird. Seems like a waste.
I thought most people have a preference when someone carves the turkey. Would you like light or dark meat?

My Dad usually hauls the carcass home to cut up and boil down. Some people just don't want to mess with it I guess.

He used to work in the meat industry and I guess some places threw away the bones before realizing they can sell them for premium money. Especially now since people want to make stocks out of them.

Nah, OP taking the carcass bird home ain't that bad.

>Have left over pizza at girlfriends
>Her Dad sees it in there for a few days, toss it
>Get super hungry one night staying over
>See huge pizza box in garbage bin
>Look to see whats around it, if the box has been breached
>Looks 'aight, heat it up
>Next day her Dad tries closing up the garbage bag
>Takes the box out, notices it is empty
>Asks girlfriend what happened to the pizza
>Both look at me like some animal, feral dog
>Realize I am just some subhuman CHUD eating from the waste bin
>Her Dad feels bad I am eating from the garbage, buys more food

Probably the most awkward moment. Her Dad's dead now and I don't talk to her. Oh well.

[Anonymous No.9830483]

>>9830427
Well, my ex bf was throwing full bags of fries and burgers away because they were cold without even opening while I was unironically starving for a few months only having like 50€ in the first wolrd for a month. Done that multiple times.

[Anonymous No.9830556]

not necessarily family, but I have a friend who's abysmal at cooking and has the palate of a ten year old girl

>we're hanging at his place, decide to make some pasta for dinner
>he rinses the pasta for literally a whole minute, to the point it's completely cold
>serves it with a runny tomato sauce that has absolutely no taste (probably just watered down canned sauce)
>barely seasons it because "too much salt is bad"
>blows on it after plating because apparently it was still too hot

I'm not a great cook by any means, but at least my food has SOME taste to it.

[Anonymous No.9830851]

>>9829378
>mom was giving Indian head
>we didn't have anything but creamed cum for sauce
>it was too salty

[Anonymous No.9830861]

>>9825502
same here

[Anonymous No.9830879]

>>9825362
yep when he could have just asked for it "hey I'll take the leftover turkey" ooh heaven's no what a preposterous thing to suggest

[Anonymous No.9830917]

>>9830556
Why is everything jack does so fucking infuriating

[chop No.9830923]

>>9830917
That's Kay, though. You can tell because the oil isn't ice cold.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lgd-Ve-_Gm0

[Anonymous No.9830927]

>>9830917
Ja/ck/

[Anonymous No.9830935]

>>9830917
that's kay

[Anonymous No.9830940]

>>9828366
Don't fucking try to weasel out of this

[Anonymous No.9830944]

>big family get together
>retired chef uncle, current chef brother, and myself agree to handle the majority of cooking
>uncle focuses on poultry
>brother on red meat
>I get all the side dishes
>big day arrives, things are going great
>all of our food is turning out well
>food is basically all done, letting things cool, take a few minutes to bullshit in the living room
>THAT aunt, we all have one
>goes into kitchen, finds onion powder, salt, whatever shit she can
>dumps that shit on everything
>chicken, pork, beef, veggies, pasta, even fucking lettuce

I'd never been more angry in my life. My brother looked like he wanted to drown her in the pool. My uncle looked like he wanted to drown himself in the pool. Ruined the day.

[Anonymous No.9830959]

>>9825502
same desu

[Anonymous No.9830962]

>>9830944
I don't have one of those. Women are kept in line in my family.

[Anonymous No.9831048]

>>9830944
why do I feel hurt after reading this??

[Anonymous No.9831074]

>>9830030
>caring what your ex thinks
Fixed and still applies, britcuck

[Anonymous No.9831150]

>>9826043
You can hear that fat fuck struggling to breath

[Anonymous No.9831173]

>>9830944
Please tell me someone yelled at her or shamed her, that is NOT OK!

[chop No.9831192]

>>9830944
I think that if someone, even family, did that in my home I would throw them out of the house.
It's not just about fucking up the food; it's an act of total disrespect. Like going into my bedroom and rummaging through the drawers or something. You just fucking DON'T.

[Anonymous No.9831216]

>>9830944
I never understood this. Why do women do this?

[Anonymous No.9831229]

Seriously why would anyone ever touch food while someone else is preparing it. I just don't understand the psychology behind it, do they really think they're helping or is it actual sabotage? Are they offended you didn't cook it the way they would have?

[Anonymous No.9831263]

>>9830944
I dont get it. She did that just to fuck with you?

[Anonymous No.9831463]

>>9830067
Good shit.

[Anonymous No.9831480]

>>9825472
Based anime trope desu

[Anonymous No.9831524]

>>9831216

> implying it's only women

i have fucking horror stories about my dad pulling this crap

[Anonymous No.9831546]

>>9825472

How do you accidentally fuck someone? Did you trip on the rug and fell in a way that your dick ended up in her pussy?

[Anonymous No.9831547]

>>9831546
She tripped, fell, landed on his dick.

[Anonymous No.9831604]

>>9830923
>>9830935
Jesus Christ, there's more of them?

[Anonymous No.9831661]

>>9831463
will Steve make a Christmas special?

[chop No.9831704]

>>9831546
The and F and D are right next to one another on the keyboard, so he probably just accidentally made fuck á l'orange instead. It's an honest mistake.

>>9831547
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3361640/Saudi-millionaire-cleared-raping-teenager-telling-court-accidentally-penetrated-18-year-old-tripped-fell-her.html

[Anonymous No.9832955]

BUMP

[Anonymous No.9833262]

>first time meeting gf's parents
>Her mom makes steak and rice
>Both are burnt to absolute shit
>The steak is like trying to eat a hockey puck
>They keep asking me if the food is ok
>Mmhmm yep
>Choke that shit down
>I think it was just a one off mistake
>No, food is kill forever
>gf is just as bad at cooking as her mom
>I insist on cooking to be "romantic"
>Gf is traditional so insists she makes the food the vast majority of the time

Life is suffering, lads. How fucking hard is it to not burn the food every single fucking time?

[Anonymous No.9833370]

>>9833262
Sit her down and explain what overcooked is. You need to have that conversation.

[Numbaz !!MV85jKaTBTQ No.9833441]

>>9830369
Nice

[Numbaz !!MV85jKaTBTQ No.9833483]

>>9825502
My mother is the same way, although she thankfully doesn't cook for family very often.
That honour goes to me, and the anxiety attacks that it offers.
God I hate this time of year.

[Anonymous No.9833486]

>make orange glaze for the Turkey one year
>they ask me to make it every year since

[Anonymous No.9833498]

Sister made chicken tendies, didnt have breadcrumbs so she just served me chicken covered in flour then cooked.

This was years ago, but recently she made almond breaded chicken fingers. Bit into one and it was fucking raw.

My sister is not a good cook. She always makes shity healthy versions of food. Zuchinni pasta, turkey chili, egg white omlettes, ugh.

[Anonymous No.9833500]

>>9833262
>baby, i love you, but you don't know how to cook. I can teach you a few tricks, but we have to drink while we do it.

There, date night and your girl's shitty cooking skills dealt with in one go.

[Anonymous No.9833532]

>>9833500
Make sure to feed her a bowl of eggs too you fuckin fag

[Anonymous No.9833533]

>>9828398
yea, my family use to do the same thing, well not as bad, but they would dry the fuck out of the turkey. that stopped the day I was a kid and refused to eat the turkey, when asked why, I said it "was dried out shit" trying to quiet me down to not embarrass them they told me use gravy, I caked it in gravy, cut it into the smallest pieces possible and ate it, looked my mom in the eyes "It did nothing" they stopped forcing me to eat it, I finished off with a bunch of bread and went to my room.

Nothing really happened where I can see it

Next year I don't even bother with turkey, they put some on my plate and my exact response, see they didn't care about my language much, but around family I was to not really say anything horrible, "Why the fuck did you make it like shit for so many years?"

Apparently some of my extended family heard and laughed about that, that was the last time I ever ate/tolerated shitty turkey.

If embarrassment gets these results, why the hell does every not do this?

[Anonymous No.9833539]

>Living with my dad
>He's an alcohol
>Drinks tequila one day
>Gets drunk
>I'm drunk too, won't lie.
>I lay down and sleep it off
>Dad wakes me up yelling and screaming
>"GOT DAMMIT BOY WHY YOU TRYNA COOK WHEN U DRUNK"
>Dad what the hell
>Nigga got so drunk he tried to cook a buncha fish and veggies then forgot about it
>It burned and set off the smoke alarm
>I gently explain to him that he did it
>He apologizes in embarrassment the next day

[Anonymous No.9833541]

>>9825502
> til I started learning on my own from the internet.
So you still dont know shit about cooking but youve watched enough youtube videos to criticize the one person who cooks for you. Good job gordon.

[Anonymous No.9833553]

>>9833539
how can you forget about cooking fish when the burning fish smell is permeating the whole house?

[Anonymous No.9833556]

chicken in a can. thats some next level shit i ain't been to yet.

[Anonymous No.9833566]

>>9833541
>all those assumptions

[Numbaz !!MV85jKaTBTQ No.9833584]

>>9829810
You should read "1491" by Charles Mann.
Good stuff on the filthy red savages.

[Anonymous No.9833663]

>>9833584
Or perhaps, "The Dying Grass," by William T. Vollman?

[Anonymous No.9833969]

>>9833370
>Hey BB
>We should try to do it a little more rare,
>dId yOu JUST SUGGESST I CANT COOK!?

[Anonymous No.9834002]

>>9825472
We've all been there, man

[Anonymous No.9834007]

>>9833969
If that actually happens then she's proving herself to be a conceited bitch and it's time to dump her.

[Anonymous No.9834016]

>>9834007
Not just break up, dump. She deserves that feeling.

[Anonymous No.9834070]

>>9831524
Share one Faggot.

[Anonymous No.9834101]

>>9831216
Because women have shit taste.
>be girlfriend
>wants seasoned salt on her chicken breast
>apparently the sprinkle I gave it wasn't enough
>pours that shit all over
>offers me a bite
>mfw
https://youtu.be/ip4z4k4jcRo

[Anonymous No.9834159]

>Live with single mom
>She is not a great cook
>Pork chops always dry, chicken always bland, pancakes taste like soap
>She doesn't like cooking
>Often tells me to have a bowl of cereal for dinner
>Mommy issues get associated with food
>Can only develop feelings for girls who can cook
>Often feel things for waitresses and other workers in the food industry
>I have to go to all you can eat places to try and fill the void

[Anonymous No.9834226]

>>9830944
She did it to everybody's food, before it was even served? Who the fuck does that?

[Anonymous No.9834253]

>>9829199
how do you cook pork chops so they aren't dry as fuck, have never had anyone successfully make pork chops not shit.

[Anonymous No.9834271]

>>9834226
A fucking bitch?

[Anonymous No.9834284]

>>9830353
Do this alot with my food, cook pasta, add fuck ton of salt, the pasta only absorbs so much, so its comes out perfectly salted... never in my life would I call it soup, but whatever.

[Anonymous No.9834297]

>>9825249
Had dinner with a family that only ate white meat too. Can't complain. I got both oyster cuts

[Anonymous No.9834307]

>>9834253
Just don't overcook it. You may need to just cook it a bunch of times until you get it. Err on the side of underdone until then.

If it's the thing chops and I'm breading them, I usually just cook them till the breading is nice golden brown.

If it's a thick chop and you can use a meat thermometer start with 145*f, let it rest, and see if you like it that way. Too raw? Cook it a little bit longer and taste again after a few minutes.

You can eat pork chops mid-rare in the US although I prefer medium.

[Anonymous No.9834317]

>>9834253
>how do you cook pork chops so they aren't dry as fuck

Three steps, bro:
- brine them chops
- sear them chops
- finish them chops in the oven

Juicy, flavorful chops every time.

[Anonymous No.9834332]

>>9834317
breading is also nice, but optional

[Anonymous No.9834359]

>>9834307
Honestly thinking of just buying some and making them myself till i get it right just so I know its possible to do.

[Anonymous No.9834528]

>>9833486
?????
its orange juice orange marmalade and whatever else you want to flavor it with. Or are you someone that just despises cooking in general?
Plus, especially if you aren't a good cook your family had something from you that wasn't shit and wanted you to feel useful. Before my brother got married all he made was green bean casserole because that was the one thing he didn't fuck up.
tl;dr this guy is either a lazy fuck or retarded

[Anonymous No.9834563]

>>9825249
>Be me, 14
>Going to high school in culinary program
>Chef wants us to make something with pasta for a grade
>Fuck yeah, I'm italian so should be easy
>"in groups, your groups are posted on the window"
>goddammit.jpg
>Get put with a friend who sucks but can listen, and the two most obnoxious people in class
>Been making homemade meat sauce for years
>"lets make mac and cheese" and everyone just agrees
>bitches just straight up leave, ended up ditching school and no one cared
>I didn't know how to make mac and cheese
>Takes 30 minutes to look up a recipe
>Make it, put breadcrumbs on top
>Put it in a salamander
>Left our towel on the other side of the kitchen
>friend leaves for towel
>Mac and cheese instantly bursts into flames
>Use apron, it catches on fire
>Put out fires
>everyone laughing
>Still get A on the dish

[Anonymous No.9834753]

My dad is the most incompetant cook ive ever seen. His cooking is classifed as a weapon of mass destruction by the U.N. I lived with him for 2 years and banned him from cooking and did all the cooking everyday
<he buys bought a 25 dollar lamb roast.
<I plan to make a nice fancy dinner complete with redwine, french bread and homeade garlic infused olive oil
<marinated the roast in the olive oil infusion with lemon pepper and other things(I cant rember the others because this was almost 4 years ago)
<marinated it for 2 days.
<I warned him not to interfere with the food at all and that I would deal with everything
<put the roast in the oven for 350 for 45 minutes
<pull it out and cut it down the middle
<shit its still a bit pink
<warn my dad not to touch it at all. I was goings to go and make set the dinner table
<It took longer than expected since my dad has no concept of having shit that looks nice. none of his plates match and almost all of them have chips and or cracks on them
<manage to set the table to look nice
<come back to the kitchen
<the son of a bitch put the entire roast in the microwave for 20 fucking minutes and it had already been in there for almost 15 minutes
<I pull it out......its ruined. Its conmpletly dry, all the juices were burned up in the microwave. The roast had lost all of its flavor
<I sat there in the kitchen almost crying over how my hard work was ruined by my idiot father
<he cheerfully looked at the roast and assumed it was done and started carving from it
<had the fucking nerve to tell me it was crap and that it was like eating a piece of charcoal........I wanted to kill him
My dad has the tastebuds of a dog, litterally as long as the food doesnt kill him he will eat anything. He legitmatly things that people who are chefs are a wasted career because all food should do is keep you from starving, he doesnt think food has any obligation to taste good

[Anonymous No.9834764]

>>9834753
that sucks what a dumb cunt

[Anonymous No.9834781]

>>9834764
4 years later Im still trying to figure out why the fuck he bought a 25$ roast to begin with if he had no intention for it to taste good

[Anonymous No.9834903]

>>9829199
WHat the fuck? Why was the turkey back in the oven? What did they say when you said get that fucking bird out of that fucking crematorium?

[Anonymous No.9835196]

Not family but

>living with multiple roommates
>girl roommate offers to cook pasta for everyone
>looking good until the end
>she pours a HUGE pile of red pepper flakes into the finished product, not just her own portion
>wa la
>we all try to eat it anyway since we were poorfags without much food
>red pepper flakes overrides every other flavor, its fucking abhorrent
>everyone gives up eating after 2 or 3 bites
>"I dont know what's wrong with yall, it tastes fine to me"
>she eats her whole bowl and some of the rest of our uneaten portions

She was so fucking obnoxious, glad I dont live with roommates anymore

[Anonymous No.9835223]

>>9833533
then they should shit in the toilet nd not stuff the turkey with human feces then fucking americans!

[Anonymous No.9835232]

>>9835223
>>9833533
fuck I was tired when I wrote that

[Anonymous No.9835235]

>>9834753
>marinated the roast in the olive oil infusion [...] for 2 days
You're thick as a fucking brick

[Anonymous No.9835253]

>>9826043
Haven't seen this in years. That fucking breathing though. Wonder if he's even still alive.

[Anonymous No.9835364]

>>9831074
Grow up.

[Anonymous No.9835403]

>>9835364
never :3

[Anonymous No.9835649]

>Friend of mine leaves at his Grandma's because his parents divorced and couldn't leave at one of them due to extreme circumstances
>He always tells me how shitty of a cook is granny is
>One day we were going to a concert but had dinner at his place before we left
>His grandma was cooking
>Nothing out of the ordinary: just rice, meat and some veggies
>We all get ready to eat
>On my plate is tiny strap of meat, burned rice and soggy veggies
>'Enjoy your meal!' said granny euphorically
>Be a nice guest and eat everything
>As it turns out she used meat form a can, microwaved vegetables and burned rice
>The meat was beyond gross. It was fucking hidieous and tasted like shit. It wasnt even fucking seasoned.
>Me being the nice guest said 'Thanks for the food, it was delicious'
>'Oh anon, thank you. Here have some more if you want'
>Oh fuck no
>'Hehe thanks but I am full'
>Friend looks at me in disgust

[Anonymous No.9835678]

>>9834753
><I plan to make a nice fancy dinner complete with redwine, french bread and homeade garlic infused olive oil
><marinated the roast in the olive oil infusion with lemon pepper and other thing

were you trying to fuck him?

[Anonymous No.9835709]

>>9831547
Alright, calm down. Relax, start breathing.

[Anonymous No.9835713]

>>9835649
Proof read next time.

[Anonymous No.9835741]

This thread Just makes me want a gf who cooks bad. So i can punish her with my sausage for hours till she is bored so she. Sees how i feel about her coming... :(

[Anonymous No.9835759]

>>9833553
poor life choices

[Anonymous No.9835833]

Damn, I pity you fools…

>be me and so on

>cooking with gf
>I'm a better cook than her, so I take the lead
>Explain things to her and she understands
>wala, good food

>holidays with the relatives
>Mum/Grandma/Uncle/Aunt wherever we are has the lead
>People drop by the kitchen and ask if the can be of any help
>yeah sure, can you please do X or Y
>shit gets done
>Nah, we are already to many folks in the kitchen
>OK, we'll just be chatting on the sofa, shout if you need us
>wala, good food

>thanksgiving with some costudents
>guy and roommate invite about 20 people to their place
>we do the turkey, you bring the sides!
>best turkey I ever head
>choice of a shitload of fantastic sides
>everybody also brought beer and liqor
>wala, fantastic party

[Anonymous No.9835849]

>>9830067
I like this.

[Anonymous No.9835858]

>>9834253
I sous vide mine, but otherwise it is a bit tricky, oven to pan works well though. Pork is an unforgiving meat but so worth it when you get it right.

Also fattier cuts will dry out less easily, it's why so much chicken breast is dry as fuck

[Anonymous No.9835868]

>>9835253
>>9831150
>>9828024
>>9826043
Nope. He died back in 2016
http://www.theherald-news.com/2016/03/02/an-extraordinary-life-man-raised-in-joliet-area-was-friendly-and-smiling-no-matter-what/auglgxk/
F

[Anonymous No.9836307]

>>9835833
Well isn't that nice Miss Alcott

[Anonymous No.9836323]

>>9825249
Eww rotting turkey smells awful, your car probably smelt like death.

[Anonymous No.9836339]

>>9833500
Nah this is how you do it. Slowly training my girl to cook. Shes eager. Its nice.

[Anonymous No.9836340]

>>9825472
Happens all the time bro

[Anonymous No.9836348]

>uncle decapitated the family nigger
>tried serving his head al’dente
>forgot to drain blood and he ends up being served all squishy and mushy
Another ruined thanksgiving

[Anonymous No.9836361]

>>9829199
Similar situation here. My wife hated barbecue chicken and thought it was awful before she met me because her mother's bbq chicken is so fucking bad. Same goes for things like bacon, who my in-laws always burn black (or "crispy" as they call it) and several other dishes my wife always assumed were shit because of how her mom cooks them. It's a shame too, because my wife is a hell of a self-taught cook and loves putting together great recipes. She even won a cooking contest here on /ck/ a couple years back.

[Anonymous No.9836368]

>>9830097
>realidy

Here's what you look like in "realidy" bro.

[Anonymous No.9836396]

>>9830944
Did she have dementia? must have forgotten who had cooking responsibility that day.

[Anonymous No.9836457]

>>9833533
You sound like a spoiled asshole. No one in proper homes acts like a homo to their mother on Thanksgiving or Christmas no matter how bad the turkey is.

[Anonymous No.9836541]

>>9825249
Be me, a collegefag. Around Xmas about to leave dormhouse and dorm mom says she'll be having a potluck party with her ladyfriends and to help myself anon when I get home to leftovers. My dorm mom is a well known academic writer who's big in the feminist community so I have a clue what kind of women will be at the party. Come home drunk from bar. Super starving. See literal feast laid out in dining room and kitchen. Help myself to food as I'm ravenous hungry. There's even turkey and ham in warming oven. Even alcohol with mixers so drink a ton more. Roommates are asleep. I pig out. See dessert table. Lots of cakes and pies. I indulge. Then I see a tray of what looks like apple crumble or Brown Betty. Get a slice and don't bother heating it and scoop it in my mouth. It tastes like garbage. I'm in shock how bad it is. It tastes like if you scooped up a cat box and served it as a pie. I crunch in wondering why the apple tastes funny. It's turnip. The oatmeal also is as hard as grit and tastes like kitty litter. I finally spit it out in the garbage and wash out my mouth. What the fuck it must've been some vegan dish with no dairy used at all and no sugar, salt or cinnamon and nutmeg? Who makes this shit? It also tastes like the lady is a chain smoker who doesn't wash her hands and has a ton of cats. A crazy cat feminazi vegan brought this shit dish. My stomach then suddenly growls. I run to the bathroom and puke out everything I ate and drank. I'm sick with food poisoning for a week. I leave the dorm in January for my own apartment as a result.

[Anonymous No.9836543]

>>9833533
You sound like a spoiled brat.

[Anonymous No.9836584]

>>9835709
Fuck that I just caught my sis cheatin!

[Anonymous No.9836632]

>>9830556
>Mfw when the batter just sails away

[Anonymous No.9836647]

>gf's family invites me over to dinner
>her parents sitting on the couch drinking cheap wine and cheap cheese for hours
>turns out there is no dinner plan, even though they invited everyone's significant other over to eat
>wait an hour to see what they will do
>say fuck it, go to the store, come back and make wings for everyone
It's no big deal, I appreciate their hospitality, but now I know that when they say they're having dinner, I should bring dinner and make t for everyone. I've done this three times now. They're very thankful.

[Anonymous No.9836671]

>>9833541
You sound like a really fun person to be around.

[Anonymous No.9836683]

>>9836541
I like the imagine of a man hastily sampling huge mouthfuls of someone else's giant feast, just to be disgusted by each of them and spit them out. Like, he knows it's bad but still needs to take the first serving of everything due to his utter bewilderment at how bad it is.

[Anonymous No.9836716]

>>9836647
Jesus they sound like trailer trash.

[Anonymous No.9836776]

>>9833370
>>9833262

This. This pent up rage is how murder suicides happen. Tell her you're a cooking nerd and want to show her a few tricks. If she doesn't bite, tell her to start pulling your food off the fire earlier than hers because you straight want it less cooked. Compare it to toast.

[Anonymous No.9836802]

>>9827898


Christ almighty this had me laughing harder than I have in months

[Anonymous No.9836837]

>>9833541
people learn things on the internet. it's full of useful information. maybe you'd know that if you did anything besides shitpost on 4chan and jerk off to hentai

[Anonymous No.9836851]

>>9825249
Dark meat tastes like fucking garbage

[Anonymous No.9836885]

>>9836851
I don't think your spinal cord touches your brain.

[Anonymous No.9836902]

>>9836851
Dude dark meat tastes like mana from heaven. Not sure what you or that guy's family is so retarded for.

[Anonymous No.9837024]

>>9835741
>>9835223
did you have a fucking atroke?

[Anonymous No.9837092]

>>9836683
It was only the turnip surprise that tasted bad to the anon though.

[Anonymous No.9837250]

>>9835833
damn man, your life must be so good. you clearly got things in order

[Anonymous No.9837339]

>>9830353
Sounds like a fucking nightmare tbhfama

[Anonymous No.9837520]

>>9837250
I know that game

[Anonymous No.9837547]

>>9837250
What a good game.

[Anonymous No.9837571]

>>9837250
Anybody else enjoy the adult content a little more than the oli content

[Anonymous No.9837616]

>>9833533
You would have been sent away and gone hungry for the night if you pulled that shit in my family. Fuck what a fucking cunt of a kid you were.

[Anonymous No.9837618]

>>9825249
>This thanksgiving
>dad usually makes the turkey
>makes an amazing turkey
>brother butted in and took over
>fucking oven bag
>no stuffing
>no seasoning
>just plain, washed, unstuffed turkey in a bag
>the absolute most tasteless turkey I have ever had
>stovetop for side "stuffing"
>such disappoint
>most of the turkey eventually went in the garbage

[Anonymous No.9837639]

>>9825472
That reminds me of the time my brother brought this girl I'd never met before to the house for christmas, and she ended up giving me a blowjob before I later found out she was my cousin.

Dodged a bullet there.

[Anonymous No.9837651]

>family makes salsa
>red and green kind
>everyone knows Red = Hot(like fire), Green = Not hot
>take in a big ole chomp of green salsa
>FUCKING SPICY!!!!
>Wow anon we made that with jalapenos and green peppers. You should have done the red, that's tomato based.
>runny shits all night with asshole on fire

[Anonymous No.9837661]

>>9837651
lel you got fucking tricked

[Anonymous No.9837680]

>>9837651
>everyone knows Red = Hot(like fire), Green = Not hot

Silly gringo

[Anonymous No.9837719]

>>9837651
>>everyone knows Red = Hot(like fire), Green = Not hot
Whut

[Anonymous No.9837830]

>mom thinks she's an amazing cook
>Shes good at baking and grilling
>Cooking is hit and miss
>Bakes plain slabs of chicken breast, always dry and bland as fuck
>Recommends weird shit for me to put in my dishes
>Always goes off on cooking show contestants
>"Dumb fuck, if that was me I would have made such and such with a reduction of whatever, with a garnish of blah blah blah"
>Constantly talks about her dreams of opening a restaurant or making a cookbook or getting a food network show
Mom, your steaks and pastries are amazing, but please get a grip.

[Anonymous No.9837945]

>go over to my friends parents house for christmas because nothing else to do and I was invited
>her mom, her dad, her and some other peeps are gonna be there
>walk in with some mac n cheese because I didn't wanna be a freeloader (gamgams recipe, shits baller as fuck, RIP)
>put my stuff on the counter and open up one of those large aluminium holders and see a bunch of black hockey puck looking shit in there
>first thing that comes to mind is oh fuck year, we grillin
>walk out the back door expecting to see them chillin in the backyard on the deck drinking some cold ones and talking (its enclosed)
>nobody there
>they were all in the living room eating
>the hockey pucks were actually the burgers
They fucking burnt them on purpose. I could barely eat them because they were so hard and tasted like actual ass. The other food was okay, but what the actual fuck?

[Anonymous No.9837954]

>>9830944
Some people just want to watch the world burn.

[Anonymous No.9837969]

>>9833498
Egg white omelettes aren't so bad. Everything else you've mentioned, on the other hand...

[Anonymous No.9838041]

>>9837651

[Anonymous No.9838116]

>>9829199
Did you get back fast enough to save the turkey?

[Anonymous No.9838153]

>>9837651
>everyone knows Red = Hot(like fire), Green = Not hot
My fucking sides

[Anonymous No.9838212]

>>9837651
>>everyone knows Red = Hot(like fire), Green = Not hot

[Anonymous No.9838308]

>>9835713
Fuck off we know what he meant

[Anonymous No.9838351]

>>9830944
I have an autist fit every time someone is in the kitchen while I am cooking. Someone moves some shit I scream.

[Anonymous No.9838377]

>>9836457
I was 8-10 at the time, I think this was also the time frame where I told them I would rather starve then eat one more porkchop, seeing as there was no way to possibly make that not the driest thing you ever put in your mouth.

>>9836543
well, seeing as this was always the worst fucking meal of the year because of all the shit they made I didn't like, the one thing I may have liked, they year after year ruined by cooking the shit wrong, yea, spoiled brat maybe, not justified in what I said, fuck no.

the results? shit got fixed and it's one of the best meals she makes now. great, embarrassment made her change for the better.

>>9837616
Already did go hungry because they refused to make anything I liked/was able to stomach without throwing up. the best I had was rolls. and no, I didn't sugarcoat anything as a kid, also got my dad to quit smoking that way too by telling him 'I'll miss you when you're dead'
Apparently watching his mom die from smoking didn't phase him too much, but his kid shoving it in his face made it quite a bit more real.

[Anonymous No.9838407]

>>9836457
>>9836543
>>9837616
Spooked faggots

[Anonymous No.9838581]

>>9837651
red= hot(like fire)
mans=not hot

[Anonymous No.9838652]

>>9830927
just no...

[Anonymous No.9838666]

>>9837830
>Not cooking with your mom and dropping hints of how to become better
>That way you don't crush her dreams but also set her straight

[Anonymous No.9838673]

>>9825817
this is perfectly reasonable, though it should be left to the consumer's discretion

[Anonymous No.9838719]

>>9838666
Your trips tell me you suck at subtlety in the kitchen.

[Anonymous No.9838749]

>>9838719
I don't need it

Because I have no one to talk to

[Anonymous No.9838762]

>>9829199

BUT WAS THE TURKEY OK

[Anonymous No.9838818]

>>9831216

Being retarded is not exclusive to women

[Anonymous No.9839539]

>>9830944
>see all those replies
>assume it's some burger/bong/third world nigger exaggerating a completely normal event
>read it
Did you at least explain to her why she was wrong?

[Anonymous No.9839562]

>>9833498
>turkey chili
That sounds pretty bad, if you don't want beef in chili just make vegetarian chili.

[Anonymous No.9839567]

>>9838377
>he can't make a good pork chop
Anon...

[Anonymous No.9839630]

>>9825249
Went to grandpas house on Christmas eve last year, he made chili and ham, so I got myself a small bowl and plated some ham and that ham was so goddamn salty, and the chili tasted off but I managed to finish it, also finished off the ham over time since I didn't want to come off as rude.
Got food poisoning, spent the whole night shitting and vomiting, around 4am I passed out from dehydration and smacked my head against the wall while on my way back to my room.

[Anonymous No.9839676]

>>9825450
>telling the girlfriend's family that you like the BBC

[Anonymous No.9839725]

>>9830067
C o m f y

[Anonymous No.9839727]

At a family thanksgiving a couple years back, they took the pumpkin pie (storebought) and put it in the oven. To heat it up. Pumpkin pie.

It tasted like feet and the whipped cream melted off into a sour liquid.

[Anonymous No.9839768]

>>9838818
just far more common

[Anonymous No.9839793]

>>9834317
Why have I never thought to brine them before.

[Anonymous No.9839801]

>>9834563
It sounded like it would have been tasty, anon :(

[Anonymous No.9839865]

>>9834159


>>9834753
>doesnt know how to meme arrow

Summers over, friendo

[Anonymous No.9839873]

>>9825479
What the fuck is marrying up? It's not like if their parents are richer all of the sudden going out on your own is easier.

[Anonymous No.9839877]

>>9825774
>britfag having a ldr

Typical. You people are beta.

[Anonymous No.9839879]

>>9825831
Yuros are pretty subdued. I wouldn't hate the enthusiasm but I grew up in a place where emotion is allowed.

[Anonymous No.9839961]

This thread makes me appreciate how good my mother's cooking was.

I've never been impressed with anyone's food, but they're impressed with mine, because I learned from my mother, also by having common sense and not being a dumb fuck.

[Anonymous No.9839993]

>>9839567
Hey I want to try making a pork chop, since the way it's described, it should taste closer to pork steaks than the shit they kept, and still, make. but it's christmas and I dont have the extra money to dick around trying to make something good will do it early next year

[Anonymous No.9840111]

>>9839727
Fuck

[Anonymous No.9840654]

>>9833541
Learning cooking from videos is no less efficient than cookbooks. Stop living in the past grandma. A lot of people have parents who can't cook well. I'm in a similar situation as him where I don't care criticize or she will throw a fit and tell me to cook instead. Which is fine since I don't hate cooking, but now its in a bad atmosphere and everything is ruined.

[Anonymous No.9840683]

>>9833969
If someone flips out over criticism thats reason enough to be concerned.

[Anonymous No.9840867]

>>9827909
>DOUBLE r*ddit spacing
holy shit

[Anonymous No.9840901]

>>9838749
Are these two variables related?

[Anonymous No.9841047]

>>9833441
mad props from Numbaz

[Anonymous No.9841055]

>>9825472
Oops!

[Anonymous No.9841108]

>>9830067
:)

[Anonymous No.9841110]

>>9830097
And?

[Anonymous No.9841123]

>>9830879

this, just say you're using it for broth or stew or something. Which is unironically what SHOULD be done with it.

[Anonymous No.9841128]

>>9830927
I just died

[Anonymous No.9841183]

>>9841110
Is she eating a fucking CD sandwich?

[Anonymous No.9841197]

>>9830097
honestly, the face on the right is a lot smugger than the one on the left

[Anonymous No.9841201]

>>9841183
No just a regular cd sandwich

[Anonymous No.9842129]

>>9841123
Dark meat is the best meat, white is too dry imo

[Anonymous No.9842232]

>>9834226
My mother in law.

When she visits i have to hide curry, chili and garlic away and say i don't have any.

no matter what you're cooking she'll pour that shit into it before tasting the food.. it drives me mad!

[Anonymous No.9842249]

>>9833262
Offer to cook together, help her out, etc. It will be fun for both of you and you can give suggestions in a more subtle and natural way.

[Anonymous No.9842326]

>>9836368
>doesn't know spurdo speak
>>>/r/anime