cooking disasters

[Anonymous No.8726962]

post stories about your cooking fails.

>decided to make burgers
>used a small ass skillet
>7th patty burst into flames
>used water to put it out

surprisingly, it went out and I didn't burn my house down.

[Anonymous No.8726998]

>>8726962
A few years ago I made a birthday cake for my little brother that looked fine when it came out the oven and the toothpick came out clean but when he cut into it, it was extremely raw. It had the texture of a paste

[Anonymous No.8727287]

bump

[Anonymous No.8727308]

>>8726962
>at my parents house
>decide to make some popcorn in the microwave
>put it in for like 8 minutes since I just stop it when there's 3-5 seconds between pops
>while it's popping decide to make some chocolate milk
>reach for a big tall glass in the cabinet
>pull it out
>glass was actually there to support the above shelf, not to drink out of
>all the glasses on the above shelf tumble out onto the floor, shattering around me
>barefoot so I don't want to move and step in glass
>popcorn starts smoking like crazy
>fire alarm goes off, fire department is called automatically
>everyone else in the house wakes up and starts yelling
>still can't move, no chocolate milk, popcorn is burned, fire truck on its way, everyone pissed

Pretty upsetting stuff.

[Anonymous No.8727318]

>>8726962
Not me. But my mother
>Making beef and veggie soup
>Generous amount of salt and pepper for seasoning
>Accidently grabbed white sugar instead of salt
So weird. It looked and smelt like beef soup but tasted like fairy floss.

[Anonymous No.8727334]

>>8727308 holy shit kek

[Anonymous No.8727347]

>be me
>be 6
>with mom at Perkins and her coworker
>get pie for dessert
>6 yr old me thought the jar full of white crystals was sugar
>dumped a bunch on my pie
>turns out it was fucking table salt and threw up everywhere

[Anonymous No.8727379]

>>8727308

[Anonymous No.8727584]

>few months ago
>decide to fry some tater tots
>heating up oil in my pot
>leave for a few minutes to hit the bowl
>something smells weird..
>walk back in the kitchen to find the pot is on fire, as are the cabinets above it
>gigantic grease fire
>go into panic mode just like in the Sims
>running around yelling
>finally decide to splash some water on it
>roar of flames, say fuck it and go to call 911
>when I re enter the kitchen it has miraculously gone out
>almost burned my house down over tots

Some of the scariest shit of my life.

[Anonymous No.8727625]

>Be me
>be like 13
>home alone
>no school cause sick
>gonna make some Grilled cheese
>decide to not use the George Forman my dad usually makes them with
>Want it nice and juicy so I get a pan and get cracking
>Start getting woozy as I cook
>Gotta throw up I realize
>Run to the nearby bathroom
>In there for about an hour
>stagger out smelling something fucking nasty
>Look at oven
>jet black bread with coal-looking cheese seeping out
>Pan is red hot
>grab the oven mitt
>slap that baby on and pick up the pan by it's handle after I turn the flame off
>pan falls off the handle, hits the fake-wood floor
>burns through and falls into the basement
The burn marks where you can see the hole is still there to this day btw.

[Anonymous No.8727640]

>>8727308

To be fair they're literally retarded for using a glass to hold up a shelf, and you're literally retarded for not noticing it was stuck and just yanking it out.

[Anonymous No.8727666]

>Be 15
>Parents are out shopping and on an anniversary date
>I get hungry and decide I'll try my hand at cooking some bacon sandwiches
>Throw bacon in the frying pan, turn stove on
>Come back after 5 minutes, bacon is still cold and raw
>Go to grab frying pan handle
>I had turned the wrong section of the stove on, so the handle was above the hot stove
>Instant agony as super heated handle is now in my hand
>Had to go to the hospital for treatment

And that's how I learned never to leave the handle over another part of the stove. Still got the scars on my hand for it.

[Anonymous No.8727704]

>>8726962
>be me, 12-14
>always loved cooking with mommy
>try to impress her by making an omelette
>cayenne seems good
>the filtered cap underneath the lid comes off with the lid
>cayenne fucking everywhere
>whipe stove and counter and sweep floor for good boy points
>all over my palms
>blow on my hands
>instant burning. Panicking that im going blind.

[Anonymous No.8727756]

>>8726962
>Be 19
>Making Christmas dinner for my family for the first time
>Prep everything ahead of time , don't want to fuck up my first Christmas dinner
>Christmas day, have a few drinks then go to put turkey in the oven
>Ohshit.png
>Turkey is so big that it is sat an inch off of the bottom of my oven and is touching all other sides
>Drink a bottle of rum while the turkey is in the oven
>Chop a lump of finger off while prepping salad
>Serve up at about 10pm
>Food was amazing
>Never found the piece of finger i chopped off

[Anonymous No.8727768]

>>8727308
that's some serious fucking mr. bean shit right there. I like it.

[Anonymous No.8727786]

>>8727756
my dad did this. cleavered off the tip of his index finger. for some reason it grew back like he was a fucking lizard?

[Anonymous No.8728547]

>>8727786
Finger tips do that. Pretty much the only part that does.

[Anonymous No.8728548]

>>8727786
chopped mine off with a bb gun
they had to sew it back on and stick a rod through the bone

[Anonymous No.8728555]

>>8727704
I took hot sauce to the eyes once. I pulled chicken off of a hot wing and it was like a small sapling when you bend it over, the piece flicked back and toward me and a glob of hot sauce shot right into my eyeball. That was an interesting 15 minutes.

[Anonymous No.8728622]

>>8727318
I did this but the opposite. I was making cornbread while living in China and confused salt for sugar. All of my Chinese friends were being very polite about the cornbread and then I tried it

[Anonymous No.8728629]

>shitty ikea cabinet
>open it to take a plate
>one of those shitty plastic wedge thing to hold the rack / shelf gives up
>whole shelf collapses
>end up with 10 broken plates around me and meat burning on the stove

Classic.

[Anonymous No.8728632]

>>8727786
Yeah finger tips do that. Managed to fuck mine with a cutter once. Though you should never ever remove the skin even if it's just loosely hanging on your mess of a finger. I did and the doc told me it was a stupid move, considering the skin acts a a natural bandage.

[Anonymous No.8728708]

>>8726962

>be me, home alone back in my young days
>go to some house party, get really drunk
>no qt tonight, just drunk and hungry
>head back home, the sun is almost up, total daylight, it's like 5 in the morning (viking master race reporting in)
>got some premade burgers in the fridge
>heat ut frying pan and add a good amount of butter to it, let it melt, heat on 7 of 10
>get burgers from fridge, throw them in the pan
>added pepper, caynne powder and also added some chopped up chilis
>black out
>wake up on the couch in the living room
>feeling totally fucked, my vision is all blurry
>realise the blurriness is smoke
>the whole living room is engulfed in thick whie smoke
>engage panic mode
>run to the kitchen, frying pan on, burgers are reduced to small pebbles, pan is melting
>take a last look at the burgers through the smoke, no chance in hell that they're edible
>put on some mittens, grab the pans handle and toss it out the window
>open up all the vindows in the house
>didnt die of cO2 poisoning

[Anonymous No.8728748]

>>8728632 op here, I did this about 3 weeks ago on a vegetable cutter and cut a half inch groove in my fucking thumb and they couldn't sew it because it was a pit rather than a straight laceration.

[Anonymous No.8728753]

>>8726962
>overheat oil
>fireball happens
>think water is my friend
>mfw

[Anonymous No.8728846]

I wish I had one as amazing as some in here (or rather I'm glad I don't)

>Christmas this past year
>Friends over
>We start cooking
>Everything goes fine
>I put remaining turkey bones/meat into pot, begin cooking it into soup
>set timer by recipe
>we go downstairs to play games
>after half of the time is up, decide to check on it
>see thick smoke everywhere
>oh shit
>the remains are a smoking black mess in the pot, all the water is gone leaving burnt on turkey meat and bones
>smell is terrible
>takes hours to clear out all the smoke
>pot ends up being impossible to salvage, have to replace it
>smell takes a full-scale HEPA air filter to remove, even that takes weeks to clear
>all the while not sure why the smoke alarm never went off when you could have cut a scooby-doo fog donut out of the thick air

Out of curiosity I decided to taste a bit of the less charred turkey meat. Shit tasted like how 'New Car' smells. Worst thing I've ever tasted.

[Anonymous No.8729229]

>>8728753 I know, I was around 10 when it happened and my cousin was there when it happened and he booked it when the pan just exploded. of course, this was long before I knew to smother the fire rather than dowsing it with water.

[Anonymous No.8729279]

>>8727584
>decide to fry some tater tots
>leave for a few minutes to hit the bowl
>almost burned my house down over tots
maybe, but I have another theory. Maybe it was because you were getting high when you should have been watching the stove? Personally I have burnt many oven pizzas doing the same thing but totally forgetting about the pizza, getting high, listening to music. Then I smell the pizza that is charred black because I put it in an hour ago and forgot I was cooking.

[Anonymous No.8729297]

>>8727308
You did the right thing.

[Anonymous No.8729413]

>>8726962
>bake some delicious fresh bread
>slice a piece, sort of ragged
>put it in the toaster
>push the toaster handle down
>go to the bathroom
>come back to flaming toaster

Fortunately it hadn't set the wooden cabinet that it was underneath on fire yet. Still, went and bought a fire extinguisher the next day.

Protip: cheap toasters turn on whenever the internal rack is pushed down, no matter whether it's being held down by the internal mechanism or by a ragged piece of bread getting trapped under the cosmetic shell.

[Anonymous No.8729425]

>>8728547
Or >>8727786 's father is one of the Lizard People.

[Anonymous No.8729436]

>>8728846
>not sure why the smoke alarm never went off

Batteries or just plain fucked. Hope you had the sense to replace it, but OTOH this *is* /ck/. . . .

[Anonymous No.8729634]

>>8729436
funny thing is I never did anything, and a few weeks later it went off from just a little smoke coming off of some oil. Guess it got its shit together.

[Anonymous No.8729674]

This stuff is the reason I have a fire extinguisher in my kitchen.

[Anonymous No.8729729]

>>8728547
this, finger tips can grow back if you only lose a small bit.

[Anonymous No.8729766]

>>8726962
>8 years-old
>baking oatmeal cookies on my own to surprise parents for anniversary
>use 1 tbs salt instead of tsp
>they really were surprised

[Anonymous No.8729789]

>>8726962
>university sharehouse
>literally a nerd haven
>we're all various vidya nerds, with 1 drug dealer housemate and 1 welfare guy
>welfare guy was late 20's
>literally the embodiment of the movie Falling Down
>supposedly worked a 9-5 in corporate until "corporate espionage" cost him his career
>is constantly wasted, drinking red wine out of a coffee mug
>always listens to the doors while smacking the kitchen counter with a dishcloth, laughing maniacally
>otherwise a really nice, friendly guy once you got to know him
>one day he asks us how to cook frozen dim sims (kind of like chinese-style dumpling things we have in Australia)
>tell him to just put them in the microwave for a couple of minutes
>an hour later we smell burning plastic
>run downstairs
>our stack of 3 microwaves (don't ask why we had 3) is on fire
>we put it out, open the door
>melted/burned puddle of plastic with black charred ex-dim sim nuggets sitting in the middle of it
>we fire questions at him right away
>"oh I didn't know how long so I put them in for 45min and went to the shops to buy some cigs"
>our faces when

he also managed to burn water once when trying to make some frozen vegetables.

[Anonymous No.8729815]

>>8729789
welfare guy sounds like a fucking legend

[Anonymous No.8729832]

>>8729815
honest, despite his quirks he was. nearly all of our best university memories involve him someway somehow. Next story is kind of /ck/ related so I'll post

>5 of us other housemates come back from doing a group shopping run
>finish unloading the food into the kitchen/fridge/pantry
>martial arts bro notices an extension cord going out the back window
>"yo where's welfareguy?"
>we get to the backyard
>he's got an electric breadknife attached to 3 extension cords
>climbed up a huge tree
>hanging off of the branch THAT HE'S CURRENTLY TRYING TO CUT
>"welfareguy WTF are you DOING!?"
>"It was cold so I decided to get us some more firewood"

[Anonymous No.8730004]

>>8727625
>>burns through and falls into the basement
What the fuck is this? Fukushima?

[Anonymous No.8730011]

>>8728547
Livers do that as well. Don't go trying to cut up your own liver.

[Anonymous No.8730191]

>>8727666
well at least you got trips

[Anonymous No.8730334]

>>8730191
Satanic trips, tho.

>>8730011
Don't give me any encouragement. I've got a metabolic problem with mine, at this point I either need to have 3/4ths of it removed or just shoot myself.

[Anonymous No.8730343]

>>8730004

[Anonymous No.8730363]

>>8729789
>>8729832
MORE WELFAREGUY!

[Anonymous No.8730389]

>>8729832
i'm fucking dying holy shit

[Anonymous No.8730422]

>cooked eggs for breakfast
>have breakfast
>sunday, have a drink after breakfast.
>have a smoke on the balcony
>chill with housemates on balcony
>get thirsty, better get another beer
>holy fuck, water's gone, eggs black/glowing red
>smoke everywhere
>let dragons eggs cool down, throw away, pot done for
>open all windows
>have another beer. it's sunday after all.

[Anonymous No.8730427]

>>8730363
fine, those were the best 2 stories though

>one of the nerd housemates wants to make a water cooling system for his PC
>decides to buy a 2nd hand broken fridge for $5 from some guy
>we rip the radiator part off the back off the fridge within a few minutes
>mission successful
>wat do now?
>welfareguy suggests we destroy the fridge
>we get drunk and raid the tool shed for implements
>hack the fucking fridge to smithereens with all sorts of hand and powertools for fun
>back veranda is a foot deep in insulation foam and jagged metal
>fucking lightbulb from inside the fridge survives somehow
>welfareguy finds a fucking scythe in the landlord's shed
>shit's rusted to fuck
>goes for a fucking massive backswing
>we all get flashbacks to his nightly "smacking the counter with a teatowel, cackling while listening to the doors drunk on coffee mug red wine
>smashes the flouro light
>breaker goes off and cuts the power to the house
>our faces when the psycho nearly electrocuted himself cuz he got a bit too zealous with his backswing
Epilogue:
>a month later, lightning strikes the house directly during a storm
>we lose all of our lan cable, 2 PCs, 4 monitors, a keyboard and a modem to the strike
>no big deal
>engineer housemate hooks our vampire housemate up with his 4th spare PC which he made from the fridge cooling system
>he used a fishtank pump to pump the water through the heatsink he made from scratch
>vampiric housemate had to go pee literally every 15mins ever since from the constant dripping/water/pump noise while his PC was running
>our faces when

University is fun in Australia. I miss welfareguy, last we heard he hooked up with some -1/10 fatty, moved away and hasn't been heard from since. We're pretty sure he's probably died. If that's the case RIP welfareguy.

[Anonymous No.8730432]

>>8730422
kek

[Anonymous No.8730445]

>>8730427
farewell, welfare guy. may he ride his scooter into the sunset

[Anonymous No.8730451]

>>8730427
another story from that house, but not involving welfareguy but instead our mouse problem

>have mice in the house
>winter
>hard as shit to get rid of them
>leave traps everywhere
>martial arts bro makes a mousetrap out of a shoe box and an extension cord
>puts the 2 wires on either side of a hole
>cheese inside of the box
>what could pawwwsibily go wrawwwng?
>puts it under his desk where he normally sits barefoot at the computer
>few days later we're all cooking/drunk in the kitchen, typicaly university housemate shit
>open the pantry to get some rice or someshit
>the fucking mouse is RIGHT FUCKING THERE on the shelf
>shelf is 5ft off the ground
>mouse goes for the epic leap of faith
>nails the landing
>or so we thought
>it scurries 2ft across the kitchen floor
>bends in half
>dies on the spot
>our faces when
>threw the mouse's body in the fire and gave Parkour Mouse a proper burial

[Anonymous No.8730460]

>>8730451
not greentext worthy, but also once in that house we let the dishes go so bad for so long that we had to take them all out to the driveway and blast them with a high pressure hose, like what you use to clean houses and strip paint with.

Lesson learned: only have as many dishes in the kitchen as you actually need. If you have 25 plates, 30 bowls, 5 cutting boards etc between 6 people they'll just stack up. The wooden cutting boards were thick with mold and had to be thrown away.

[Anonymous No.8730479]

>>8730460
I know that one. a dozen people, big house, one kitchen. cleaned twice per week, kind of worked taking turns, but every other day its just a fucking mess. sink always full, never a free pot, always moths and shit flying around bc somebody left his cereal open for 12 friggin months... had most of my stuff in my room.

thank fuck we had different bathrooms.

[Anonymous No.8730510]

>>8729674

CO2 or foam?

[Anonymous No.8730517]

>>8730479
you know if you hang a bag of water in the kitchen it repells fruitflies

[Anonymous No.8730519]

>>8730510
or just don't fuck up and start a fire in the first place? it's always worked for me. just sayin'.

[Anonymous No.8730533]

>>8726962
>gonna pour what I assume is cool oil from a pan into a container to throw out later
>oil is actually hot
>oil is poured over my hand instead of container
>intense pain, literally see skin boil
>hand under cool water and then let it sit in ice water
>feels like it's sitting in near boiling water
>but out of water feels like fucking fire so deal with it
>no doctor just pain pills and keep it clean
>year later little scarring but still remember that shit

[Anonymous No.8730550]

>>8730517
glass of water with a tiny squirt of dishsoap works even better, didn't matter. those bastards were everywhere, even though there never was any fruit (a dozen of guys, who'd eat fruit?)
fruit flies werent even the worst, those pesky food moths were. they spread to your own stuff sooner or later if you share the same cupboards with "infected" dry goods

[Anonymous No.8730571]

>>8727786
>cut off chunk of index finger/nail
>cut off chunk of thumb/nail
>next to no scars
Lizard people are best people.

[Anonymous No.8730582]

>at friends house, he's cooking bacon
>he pours hot bacon grease down his bathroom sink
>bacon grease clogs sink and melts a hole in the pipe
>tries to run the tap and water goes all over the floor
>decides to use boiling water to melt the now solid grease
>pours boiling water down the sink
>boiling water all over floor and his feet

[Anonymous No.8730587]

>>8730582
>grease melts a hole in the pipe
whats its made out of, bread?

[Anonymous No.8730589]

>>8730587
plastic, but the hole might have already been there

[Anonymous No.8730592]

>>8730460
my old housemate used to drink milk out of really narrow glasses and then leave a small amount to fester in the bottom, I used to just throw the glasses away if I was washing up

[Anonymous No.8730597]

>>8730589
did you just sit idly by laughing while your friend boiled water? or did you try to tell him its a not so smart idea?

[Anonymous No.8730624]

>>8726962
My dad almost burned our house down by making toast late at night.

My parents had a bread cabinet that had a garage door rolling cover on it that went up and down. We kept the toaster and bread inside there.

Dad makes toast, puts the toaster away half assed, closes the sliding door, which presses down the toaster switch. He went to bed and left the toaster on the rest of the night.

In the morning the entire cabinet was black and the door was melting off. Could have been really bad.

As for personal cooking disasters, once I was making hollandaise with a pyrex bowl used as a double boiler on top of a metal pot. After whisking for 10 minutes the bowl just spontaneously exploded sending tiny shards of pyrex and hollandaise everywhere.

[Anonymous No.8730877]

>>8730624 jesus christ, m8

[Anonymous No.8730892]

>>8726962
>Making some meaty chili no beans
>Used too much molasses
I swear that shit was like half dried cement by the time I finished

[Anonymous No.8730931]

>>8726962
>drunk as fuck trying to fry up some chicken
>put pan on stove and set it to high
>go outside to have a cig and end up talking to the neighbor for like 20 minutes
>come back in and put oil in the pan that had been sitting on high heat for 20 minutes
>pan bursts into flames and almost catches my kitchen on fire
>not sure what to but know well enough not to pour water on it
>take the flaming pan through the living room out the front door and throw it in the yard
>few minutes later the fire finally burns out
>fetch pan which is now totally scorched and ruined
Never cooking drunk again.

[Anonymous No.8730951]

>>8728708

My father did that. My family traveled to beach (except him) and when we came back we found thick fumes escaping from all sides of roof. We also panicked thinking home caught fire, but in fact he blacked out while cooking potato with meat.

> Using a pressure cooker
> Blue and brown stains on it
> Debris building up inside safety valve

[Anonymous No.8730987]

>Laundry room is next to kitchen
>Stove is a few feet away from laundry room
>Linoleum floors in both kitchen and laundry room
>Cooking an omelette
>See a dryer sheet on the floor, they fall out of the dryer sometimes and float into the kitchen
>Will pick it up later
>Omelette is halfway done
>Take a step over to get a plate out of the cupboards
>Step on dryer sheet
>It's like a banana peel in a cartoon
>Slip and fall
>Fling omelette against the far wall behind me
>Bash jaw on the stove, burning my chin and biting out a chunk of my lower lip and cracking my teeth
>Go to hospital
>Install new flooring in the kitchen months later

[Anonymous No.8731006]

My very first attempt at cooking went exactly like a made-up greentext story

>I wanna eat eggs!
>can't find butter, but I found olive oil
>heat on max, fuck yeah, I piss while standing up
>crack eggs in
>FO SIZZLE MA NIZZLE
>try to wiggle the eggs around, end up breaking the yolks
>eggs break apart into pieces
>throw worcestershire sauce into the pan in an attempt to salvage shit
>it no work
>serve
>eat egg-balls sautéed in oil and worcestershire sauce

It was edible, but I wouldn't do that again.

Nowadays I cook my eggs in a dash of bacon grease and they taste like heaven.

[Anonymous No.8731104]

>>8728555
I did sort of the same thing

>Mixing up some spicy chicken marinade
>Wondering if I went too heavy on the chilli
>Leave spoon in bowl while I turn around to check recipe book
>Turn back, put hand down on spoon handle
>Throw chilli marinade everywhere
>Marinade goes into both eyes and up nose
>Incoherent screaming leads to housemates charging into the kitchen because they thought I was literally dying
>Everyone on our street knocking on the door, concerned for well-being

Actually affected my ability to see out of one eye, it's always a little blurry these days.

[Anonymous No.8731205]

>>8727584
Jesus. They're already par-fried, all you need to do is stick them in the oven. Fuck you doin', mayng?

[Anonymous No.8731275]

>Making carbonara with friend at a mates place
>Recipe says pre heat the pan but I tell him not to because it's a gas stove
>I'm cutting up the bacon and shit when he tell's me he's going to add the oil
>mfw he had the gas on full
>mfw the second the oil hits the pan smoke is billowing everywhere

Alarms going off and the home owner comes running upstairs angry as shit cause he didn't want us cooking dinner in the first place.

My friends standing on a barstool with a towel trying to shut the fucking alarm off.

Phones ringing because the dude is rich af and has the fire alarm linked to the fire department, he's trying to tell them the code to stop the alarm or otherwise they legally have to send a truck. He's on the phone to his parents while everyones laughing and this fucking alarm wont stop ringing.

Everything gets sorted, he tilts off the face of the earth when we go back to cooking our meal, $90 pan in the bin.

[Anonymous No.8731302]

>>8727308
You brought that upon yourself

[Anonymous No.8731428]

>>8730624
Oh yeah I forgot about this one. Happened with my first gf circa 2005. 100% true story I swear to god.

>make habanero peach salsa for dinner
>eat dinner with gf
>go to bedroom later to watch movie
>proceed to have sex
>fingerbang her with habanero fingers even though I had washed my hands a few times since dinner.
>gf starts crying hysterically saying her pussy is burning
>say oh shit I touched habanero earlier!
>gf spends the next hour in the shower crying and trying to wash out her burning vagina
>gf mad the rest of the night
>no more sex and my dick was burning too but not that bad.
>the end

[Anonymous No.8731446]

>>8726962
>Running late for work.
>Threw the last thing I had on the range.
>Hash browns.
>Fry up the hash browns on shitty electric range.
>Eternity.webm
>Spoon hashbrowns onto styrofoam plate.
>Stare at the small hoop of melted styrofoam that was once a plate.
>Stare at the floor where the hash browns landed in an oily mess.
>Go to work hungry.
>Go to work late.

[Anonymous No.8731450]

> Be teenager
> Light old, winged gas stove using a disposable lighter
> Max out gas and put frying pan over the flame
> Watch TV at the kitchen
> Lighter lies at the very inner edge of the wing and the frying pan isn't centered well over the flame
> Mfw flame reaches lighter and starts to burn its plastic case.

Fortunately the lighter was pure Chinese garbage of the kind you throw away after a week. The plastic was so weak, therefore its fluid released/burnt very softly while releasing a strong scent of shoddy kerosene - rather than decompressing abruptly and exploding like a grenade.

[Anonymous No.8731496]

>>8726962
>Put a pot on the oven with oil in it, turn the heat on and watch some videos while waiting
>Turn my head up from videos and see the pot smoking like crazy
>Walk up to it
>FWOOM!
>Fucking oil is on fire, and I start to panic,
>Pick the pot up, since I didn't want the flames to melt/burn the fan.
>Walk around my appartment, with a pot of fresh fire in my hand, trying to figure out what to do.
>"I'm gonna throw it out the window"
>Nowhere to put the pot, so I put on the floor
>Quickly open the window, pick the pot up and just drop it out the window.

That was pretty exciting. Everyone I told, asked me why I didn't just put a lid on it. And I guess that's a very good question.

[Anonymous No.8731510]

>>8731428

Hahahahahahah! That's rich!

Your post made me remember a story I read on Henry Miller's "Tropic of Capricorn". Of course the story is ficcional but I can't help myself.

> Cheating wife is in bed with her (20 years younger) lover
> Lover is in adventurous mood, so he inserts a carrot in her buttocks
> All of a sudden, cuckold slams the bedroom door
> Slut wife gets so scared she farts, causing the carrot to fly in the bedroom and hit a wall before laying on the floor

[Anonymous No.8731520]

>>8731510
>Cheating wife
>Carrot in the ass
This is a true cu/ck/ story.

[Anonymous No.8731546]

>>8727347
Not entirely /ck/ related, but you reminded me of why I never try to prank anyone.

>April fools day one year
>put a bunch of salt on top of the sugar in the jar
>rubber band on the sink hose
>this'll be funny
>awhile later
>make myself some hot tea
>add sugar because dumb
>first sip, fuck that's nasty
>go to wash out mouth
>soaking wet and I startled myself
>why am I so dumb?

[Anonymous No.8731593]

>>8726962
>Trying to make rice
>Hear you can do it in a microwave or some shit
>Internet tutorial says to put it in for like 20 minutes
>Cook something else on the stove
>Burning smell, open up microwave
>Ungodly amount of smoke pours from the microwave
>Rice is raw, water is gone, and on top of it all is some kind of shiny black mass

I could smell burnt rice for weeks

[Anonymous No.8731622]

>>8727704
>>8728555
>>8731104

My dad has a story about when he was a line cook at a restaurant and was making salsa. The lid wasn't fully secured on the food processor as he was chopping peppers and it came off and launched a seed directly into his eye. He couldn't see right for days afterward.

Myself, this isn't /ck/ related in the slightest, but once when I was unscrewing a platform while striking a theater set, a screw launched itself into my eye and bounced off. It hit me with the top instead of the sharp bottom, otherwise I'd be blind.

[Anonymous No.8731673]

>order pizza
>set time to MIDNIGHT
>midnight was 30+ minutes ago
>fairly certain they are idiots and think midnight = next day
>bout to rage
>starving
>no food in house

Bout to go down there first thing tomorrow, get my pizzas, if they don't offer some good compensation I'm doing a charge back and taking some free pizza.

[Anonymous No.8731739]

>>8731593
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JE1Gvzxfm1E

[Anonymous No.8731798]

>>8727584
>leaving a pan full of hot oil unattended
>leaving anything unattended over a kitchen fire
How fucking stupid can you be?

[Anonymous No.8731862]

>>8727584
>decide to splash some water on it

Probably not a good idea to cook while high anymore anon.

[Anonymous No.8731878]

>about 6 years go
>making some popcorn
>pic related, we didn't have popper at time
>popcorn is done popping, peel away some of the foil, turn element off
>let that thing cool because it's hotter than the surface of the sun
>grab plastic bowl
>put plastic bowl over still hot reactor completely forgetting I just used it
>pour popcorn into bowl
>hell yeah motherfucker
>take bowl off and the bottom has melted with the element, leaving strings like cheese from a pizza behind, kitchen now smells like burnt plastic
>what popcorn didn't get fused with the plastic fell on the floor because of the now giant hole where the bottom of the bowl was.

[Anonymous No.8731897]

>>8731878
You're supposed to eat the popcorn right out of that thing

[Anonymous No.8731910]

>>8731510
Kek

[Anonymous No.8731947]

>>8730624
>11 years old, heading to bed from basement
>dad's asleep on couch
>notice odd flickering in glass door adjacent to kitchen entrance
>investigate, tea kettle on stove is on fire
>panic, manage to put it out but melted plastic everywhere
>run to dad, shake him awake and tell him there was a fire in the kitchen
>he says "...okay..." and drifts back to sleep
>turns out he took a sleeping pill and then put on a kettle for tea

[Anonymous No.8731953]

>8 years old
>mom is making some candy for desert
>see pot with molten candy
>stick my hand in like an autist
>my hand is entirely coated with this shit
>mom runs in yelling
>end up getting 3rd degree burns and scarred for the rest of my life

[Anonymous No.8731954]

>>8731897
kek'd. Maybe he wanted to shake up some melted butter cream into it?

[Anonymous No.8731962]

>>8731953
damn, is the scarring/damage still p. bad?

[Anonymous No.8731973]

>>8731962
It's nearly faded, just shiny in some spots

[Anonymous No.8731976]

>>8726962
>be 15 year old dipshit midwestern suburbanite
>cant cook for shit
>attempt to make omelette
>grease pan, put 3 eggs, cheese, and ham in all at once
>younger sister comes in
>"you need cream for eggs big bro"
>i listen to her advice, pour in cream
>but it was coffee creamer
>chocolate creamer
>i realize i fucked up, but continue forward
>because im a fatty and we dont waste food
>stir everything together
>it morphs into a nasty cheesy meaty 1/2 inch thick pancake the size of a traditional american dinner plate
>eat it
>sister barfs
>i have the shits for 3 days
>my family banned me from cooking for several years

[Anonymous No.8731990]

Was making bacon and I left for 30seconds to take a piss. came back and the pan was shooting flames 4 feet tall. I moved the pan of the burner and the flame died down. I was so fucking scared.

[Anonymous No.8732010]

I had a Pyrex dish explode on my stovetop because I tried to make gravy in it. This is before I learned that there are "good" Pyrex products with a different kind of glass and "bad" ones.

[Anonymous No.8732016]

>>8731897
Bowls are easier.

[Anonymous No.8732031]

>>8732010
You're not supposed to put fire on them at all dude.

[Anonymous No.8732049]

>>8732031
Well if it's glass, it can withstand that I'm sure. Sudden shock of hot to cold is what's dangerous.

[Anonymous No.8732057]

Near disaster
>cooking takoyaki with friend
>use one of those pans with the apposite holes for them
>lightly oil them, proceed to make the balls
>wild drop of oil squirts out of pan, lands millimetres from my friend's hand and bores a burning hole in the counter
>I swear I saw a flame flicker for a second
>exchange fuck you's with friend and keep cooking
>the takoyaki were 10/10

[Anonymous No.8732063]

>>8732049
Yes you're right but you just don't use pyrex like a saucepan on a gas stove man.
I think you need to rethink things.

[Anonymous No.8732080]

>>8731205
They don't get crispy enough for my liking in the oven
>>8731798
I had very little cooking experience at the time OK? I was maybe 15 ft away

[Anonymous No.8732092]

i put some red bean pancakes on for 13 minutes with the plastic on them when i was a kid, went and played playstation and then freaked out when a pure black smoke filled the kitchen (like it was impossible to see through it at all). i ran to the microwave and turned it off and then aired the house out for ages. later on i coughed up blood but was too scared to say anything to my parents. come to think of it i always hid my injuries, like the time i fractured my leg to the time i had to go to hospital for burns to my hand

[Anonymous No.8732110]

>>8731673
>cooking disasters
>crying because you can't order pizza correctly

[Anonymous No.8732120]

>>8726962
That wasn't a grease fire.

[Anonymous No.8732182]

>>8729789
>always listens to the doors while smacking the kitchen counter with a dishcloth, laughing maniacally
nigga wut

[Anonymous No.8732252]

>>8731546
those pranks don't work when you're that lonely, mate

[Anonymous No.8732320]

>>8730427
>welfareguy finds a fucking scythe in the landlord's shed

I lost right then and there. I lost fucking hard. Welfareguy is a fucking legend.

[Anonymous No.8732331]

>>8732182
The doors is a band, or maybe you were just confused about his behaviour

[Anonymous No.8732602]

>>8732120 no, I'm pretty sure it was because there was fucking grease everywhere and it ignited.

[Anonymous No.8732876]

>>8732080
>They don't get crispy enough for my liking in the oven
>Frying something that's already been fried

Fucking Americans

[Anonymous No.8732886]

>>8730011
>Don't go trying to cut up your own liver.

You're not my dad

[Anonymous No.8732950]

>>8727308
Anon you are the architect of your own misfortunes

[Anonymous No.8733193]

>>8726962
Not really a cooking disaster, but this morning I put the kettle on and the stovetop caught fire. Apparently one of my shit roommates had spilled something in all the burners and didn't clean it up. There's still loads of baking soda all over the stove and I'm not going to take care of it. I ain't these people's momma.

[Anonymous No.8733312]

>>8732063
Real old-fashioned Pyrex can, before the company changed the dish material to be less durable.

[Anonymous No.8733345]

>>8727347
why the fuck would you even pour sugar on your pie in the first place, wtf.

[Anonymous No.8733361]

>>8733345 because I was 6 and loved sugar. it's really not that hard to figure out.

[Anonymous No.8733404]

>>8726962
> Cooking breakfast
> For like 10 people
> Over a wood fire
> Add too much oil to the pan
> Get to the eggs, ember flies up from the fire, lands in the pan, ignites
> Set flaming pan on floor, try to find a teatowel
> It won't fit over the pan to put the flames out
> Wait for the oil to finish burning
> Eggs still edible.

[Anonymous No.8733439]

>>8727666
Satan trips

[Anonymous No.8733451]

>>8728629
>classic

That just subtly put in at the end really made me kek for some reason

[Anonymous No.8733526]

>>8732331
Not him, but this confused me too. I was envisioning him with his ear up to a door while smacking the counter and laughing.

[Anonymous No.8733654]

>>8733526
yea i was drunk when I posted the greentext and forgot to write it like The Doors.

[Anonymous No.8733843]

>>8732049

Cold surfaces like the balcony/sink marble may cause thermal shock too. And if there's some liquid on it - even a single droplet! - you're asking for trouble.

[Anonymous No.8734285]

>>8732049
No, you don't want to do that with soda-lime glass ever. Pyrex used to be borosilicate, until Corning sold off the brand and whoever bought it decided that "Pyrex" was just a brand name and not an identifier for the type of glass used. So now they make the consumer shit with soda-lime glass and it explodes at random times.

[Anonymous No.8734307]

>>8734285
Ya thats what happened to me when I was making hollandaise over a double boiler with a pyrex bowl. The sides of the metal pot got too hot apparently.
I had heard that pyrex was invented for use in the windows of the space shuttle so I figured it could withstand the amount of heat. Makes sense that its not actually the same glass anymore.

[Anonymous No.8734319]

>>8734307
actually turns out it was invented in 1908 and the space shuttle thermal tiles were coated with it.

[Anonymous No.8734433]

>live in student halls
>know how to cook
Every day is a disaster when I see these fuckers doing whatever it is that they do.

>Using a pizza tray to cook meats
>drips all over the goddamn oven and smokes the place up every time

>Splattering all over the wall behind the hob
>Never clean it up

>Don't scrape their plates into the bin
>Try and shove it down the drain instead
>No garbage disposal

>Leaking condiments in cabinets that are so bad that it ends up leaking onto the floor
>Don't clean the cabinet
>Don't clean the floor
>Don't stop the leaks

kill them all

[Anonymous No.8734438]

>>8727625
>pan falls off the handle
>burns through fake-wood floor
Dat american craftsmanship doe.

[Anonymous No.8734479]

>>8728548
How the fuck did you manage that with a bb gun?

[Anonymous No.8734487]

>>8731496
>a pot of fresh fire in my hand
this made me smile

[Anonymous No.8734489]

Why do some people say skillet instead of pan, /ck/?

[Anonymous No.8734615]

>boiling hotdogs
>toast buns and prepare
>get to the mustard
>not much left in container
>hold by bottom and make a throwing motion
>lid wasn't totally fastened
>mustard fucking everywhere
>hotdogs are cold, buns are stale by the time everything is cleaned up
>find mustard in random spots for months to come

[Anonymous No.8734767]

>>8731446
>range
Why are you trying so hard?

[Anonymous No.8734772]

>>8734489
pan has vertical sides, skillet has flared sides

[Anonymous No.8734776]

>>8731450
You are vastly overestimating the explosive potential of an average lighter's worth of lighter fluid.
It creates a small fast burning fireball which dissipates after a split second.

[Anonymous No.8734928]

>Be in 6th grade.
>Home alone.
>Want to make tea so put a large glass of water in the microwave for like 3 minutes.
>Put glass on the counter and glass immediately cracks in half vertically but doesn't fall apart.
>Shrug.ini
>Make tea with a ton of sugar.
>Sit down in dad's recliner and use shitty. wobbly TV Tray he uses for everything.
>Rock a little too far back and knock over TV Tray.
>Scalding hot sugar water splashes all over my lap and stomach.
>Scream and run to the bathroom to take an ice cold shower.
>Thank god I was a fat kid and my retracted penis didn't get burned.

[Anonymous No.8734955]

>Have to commute a long way to go to work so I relied on my middle aged slacker friend to take me.
>Usually have a Totino's party pizza for breakfast while waiting for her to eventually show up.
>Put one in the oven but don't sent timer since I'll be watching cartoons and can time it myself.
>Fall asleep since I stay up until the early morning online.
>Wake up to the smoke detector going off and the pizza a smoking sheet of charcoal.
>Turn off the oven, call friend and get to work like an hour late.

But wait, that's not all.

>Come home late, friend and I stopped for dinner.
>Mom pissed as hell.
>I didn't take the pizza out or clean up before I left.
>Brother wanted to make a pizza when he got home and didn't make sure the oven was empty.
>Reburned the coal pizza and set it on fire.
>Kitchen was now covered in fire extinguisher dust.

[Anonymous No.8734964]

>>8726962
>age 10
>decide I want a salami and cheese sandwich and some orange juice
>fuck it, let's class it up a notch and make this meal into a smoothie!
>put sandwich in the blender
>watch it spin around in a beautiful oblivion
>it's not a smoothie though, needs some liquid
>add the OJ
>rendezvous and I'm through with you
>it's now a pale yellow gunk
>pour into a cup and take a swig
>immediately vomit all over kitchen floor
>tell my mom I'm sick because I'd rather she not know I'm retarded
>get to stay home from school the next day

Worked out well desu

[Anonymous No.8735015]

>>8734479
got caught in the reload mechanism which is spring loaded, like one of these

[Anonymous No.8735022]

>>8734479
my bad, meant pellet gun not bb gun
but it got caught in the loading mechanism, which is spring loaded, kinda like this

[Anonymous No.8735426]

>>8734772 oh..well fuck I didn't even there was a difference lol.

[Anonymous No.8735430]

>>8735022 oh fuck, that would hurt!

[Anonymous No.8735434]

>>8732876
obsessed

also, that's normal. parfrying something and then frying at high temps results in the crispiest of foods

[Anonymous No.8735489]

>Get drunk
>get hungry
>make quesadilla since its easy as fuck
>use nonstick pan since easy as fuck
>delicately place cheese so it doesn't ooze/spread out of tortillas
>no oil
>just press tortillas down to create good seal between pan and food
>rotate frequently and flip when hand can't hold tortilla without pain
>too drunk to flip using pan or fingers
>must physically flip pan over onto hand to hold quesadilla
>almost evry time I do this I burn my wrist on edge of pan
>scars look like I tried to slit my wrist a dozen times

My hands are all scared up by lazy attempts to cook without utensils and it looks awful, then there's a few face scars from drunkenly falling down flights of stares.

[Anonymous No.8735540]

>The cleanliness of that stove...
>O.O
>How is it so clean?

My fail recently:
>Attempt to grill chicken on a fuckin' grill pan
>could not be easier
>try to eyeball it and not use a timer to see if I am that good
>Chicken is pink and rubbery
>Didn't even wait five minutes to let it rest because I was hungry.
>Finished it in the microwave.
>everything went worse than expected

[Anonymous No.8735594]

>>8735489
from one clumsy drunk to another, pic related helps burn scars and the like fade faster

on the topic of this thread, the time my dad and I tried to make chocolate-dipped strawberries several New Year's ago went as follows:
>pick up a bag each of chocolate chips, chocolate chunks, and chocolate wafers at the store because we're clueless fucks
>the more the merrier right
>tear open bag of chocolate chips into saucepan on low heat
>wait fifteen minutes
>hm it's not quite melting fast enough >hey engineer dad, what do you suggest we do
>I know
>let's boil some water and dump that in
>what could possibly go wrong
>chocolate seizes right the fuck up like your white boi ass when Jamal tells you to pick up the soap
>shit shit shit how do we fix this
>I know
>let's just keep adding more water
>repeat until we get something resembling an obscenely crumbly fudge
>fuck it, let's just put it in some tupperware and hope someone eats it
>someone turns out to be drunk sister who eats half the box and then stuffs the rest down her pants for safekeeping
>wakes me up at 6 am new years day cackling like a maniac
>chocolate crumbs fucking everywhere
>shortly after the entire upstairs gets infested with ants

and that's why I don't drink with my family anymore

[Anonymous No.8735630]

>>8726962
>14 years old
>Parents bailed for the day
>Look for some food
>Leftover meat in the fridge
>Not enough, find se instant beef ramen
>jackpot, make my shitty ramen with leftover meat
>Tastes a bit off but wathever
>Wait when was the last time dad made a barbecue
>End up violently throwing up the entire weekend
>That meat was three weeks old

[Anonymous No.8735671]

> 8 years old, just learned how to make eggs
>think I'm a fucking master chef and try to make potato chips
> somehow chopped the potatoes without losing a finger, throw them in the pan on high without oil
> dog whines to come in and I leave the stove for like a minute
> the kitchen is all smoky when I get back and I panic
>did I mention I was home alone?
> too shaky to call mom, didn't want to call 911 because Dad would get mad at me for cooking without an adult, wound up running to a neighbors house and crying while they took care of it

I just wanted some chips ;_;

[Anonymous No.8735677]

>>8735540
jack style chicken, my favourite

[Anonymous No.8735686]

>>8735671
>8 years old
>Home alone
>Fuck this shit I want fries
>Seen mom made fries a million times, put oil in pot, put pot on fire chop potato's, fry them and take them out
>Enjoy fries, I kind of burned them and I wasn't so hungry anymore so dog mostly enjoys fries
>Parents come home
>Mom freaks out
>Dad yells at me
>I don't know what's going on
>Grounded for making fries
>Actually grounded for making fries and leaving the oil on high for half an hour because 8 year old brain doesn't think long term enough to turn off the burner after you are done

[Anonymous No.8735712]

>>8735686
>i made eggs when I was about 9.
>watched my mom make 'em etc.
>didn't put butter on pan.
>a lot of egg sticks to pan.
>egg is good and I eat it.
>leave on burner until parents get home.
>gas stove.
>they are impressed I can use a gas stove and cook an egg, but tell me I need to use butter so it doesn't stick to the pan.
>grounded for "possibly burning house down"

[Anonymous No.8735742]

>be me last year
>helping mom make meat pies
>peeling carrots and potatoes while mom is making the sauce with the meat
>keeping my index finger curled over the top of a potato like a fucking idiot
>take a chunk of my finger off with the peeler
>ohfuckitwontstopbleeding.png
>start freaking out, mom is yelling at me to go get some bandaids while stirring meat on the stove
>wrap my finger in what feels like a hundred bandaids
>blood finally stops seeping through the fabric
>continue peeling potatoes
>never found the chunk of my finger

It healed pretty decently, my fingerprint is pretty fucked up in the one spot but I still have sensation there so whatever.

Pic related, not sure if my finger chunk made it into those pies but they were fucking delicious.

[Anonymous No.8735766]

>>8731428
>3 years ago with ex-gf
>roll up to Buffalo Wild Wings for Wing Tuesday™
>neither of us had been before except once or twice
>she's caribbean, I'm white therefore she thinks I cant handle anything spicy
>I call her bluff when she says we should order the spiciest wings they have
>25 Traditional Blazin'™ on the way
>It was a little tough, but this was before they revamped it
>we finished most of em, took a few home
>couldn't even kiss each other for a good hour because our mouths were burning
>way later in the day, we start getting nasty
>decide to give her the ol' lickaroo
>10 seconds in "OMG STOP MY VAGINA IS ON FIRE"

Did not proceed with anything the rest of the day, she was in a fair amount of pain though.

[Anonymous No.8735781]

>>8734964
top kek

[Anonymous No.8735793]

>Be 12 or 13
>Friend and I are making popcorn
>Decide to leave the lid off and try to catch pieces in our mouths when they shoot out of the pot
>Kernel explodes and splatters hot grease on my throat
>Little patch of skin peels away, hurts like a bitch
>Never do that again

[Anonymous No.8735834]

>>8735742 op here again, potatoes are fucking assholes. that's what I was slicing when I fucked up my thumb..also because I was a retard and didn't use the protective handle needed to use the cutter safely.

[Anonymous No.8735852]

>>8735630 I've never actually had food poisoning before as far to my knowledge. however, there have been times where I've eaten something and felt like absolute shit but never threw up or anything *cough* bk* cough*

[Anonymous No.8735853]

>>8726962
>burnt frozen microwavable White Castle burgers in the microwave as a kid
It's still my greatest shame. I can't even remember how I did it, just my mom yelling at me.

[Anonymous No.8735870]

>>8735540 I've microwaved chicken before to where it was white all the way through, and it was very juicy too.

[Anonymous No.8735872]

>>8726998
I find that toothpick/skewer method can be really deceiving because an undercooked caked can still be solid enough to give a little crumb.
Timing is the only sure way to tell if it's cooked.

[Anonymous No.8735874]

>>8735853 I remember the time when my mom let me have the rest of her roast beef sandwich from Arby's, and when I put it in the microwave I didn't take the foil off

>sparks fly everywhere like a portable 4th of July in a box
>dad starts yelling at me for not taking the foil off

good memories. -op

[Anonymous No.8735879]

>>8735834
Part of it is that I'm a lefty and my mom insisted I use one of her pampered chef y-shaped peelers, which I wasn't used to. Nearly had to leave work early the next day because it was so painful, and the healing process was pretty gnarly. Took some pics and it got all white at the edge and shiny in the middle.

[Anonymous No.8735883]

>>8735872
Not him but that reminds me of the time when I was 11 or 12 and decided to make pancakes. They looked perfectly golden brown on the outside but when I cut into them the insides were still liquid.

[Anonymous No.8735897]

>>8726962

>inebriated
>Lasagna's done, oven beeping
>take food out of oven with bare hands
>Oh wow, this is hot.
>Don't want to drop it and make a mess
>Carefully walk to and place on counter
>Scarred for life

[Anonymous No.8735969]

>>8727318
>mother makes a quiche
>sugar instead of salt in the crust
It made me a little nauseous desu

[Anonymous No.8735982]

>>8730519
(You)

[Anonymous No.8735989]

>>8729766
>have a muffin recipe that I always use
>calls for 3 tbs salt
>recipe is on a blog so it's obviously just a typo/autocorrect
>always just used common sense and did 3 tsp
I make the best muffins.

[Anonymous No.8736073]

>>8730624
>exploded sending tiny shards of pyrex
isn't the whole point of using pyrex that that's not supposed to happen?

[Anonymous No.8736092]

>>8735874
I did the same thing when I was a retarded teenager.

[Anonymous No.8736150]

>try to make hollandaise sauce
>mix butter, lemon, salt, beaten egg, etc into bowl
>put the shit in the microwave
>egg yolk puffs in an explodey fasion and gets shit all over the microwave
Fuck you, allrecipes.

[Anonymous No.8736187]

>>8729674
>be me
>get one of those small auto fire extinguishers from mechanic bro
>leave it in the kitchen
>a month later aunt tells me to be more careful with oil drippings in the oven because the oven caught on fire while she was using it
>look at fire extinguisher, it's untouched
>ask her why she didn't use the fire extinguisher I brought for such purposes
>says she was afraid the fire would blow up
>mfw

[Anonymous No.8736193]

>try and do a fish fry with brothers and cousins on july 4 weekend

>all we have is a big 10-gallon turkey frier and some gallons of peanut oil, of questionable age

>keep waiting for the oil to bubble for some reason

>take off the lid to check after 10 minutes

>FUCKING EXPLOSION OF FLAME

Luckily, we were smart enough to a.) keep this shit out on the driveway and b.) not pour water on it. We just covered it, and then waited like 20 minutes for it to cool down enough that it didn't catch flame when we removed the lid. Blasted the sides of the pot with the hose and stuff.

Then fried some fish, poorly. It was fun.

[Anonymous No.8736288]

>>8735897
I do that every damn time awful habit but I just can't help it.

Heres mine I was a chef/manager working a small restaurant and being young and stupid I hired my girlfriend without telling the owner who she was.

>Making tasty burger on grill and toasting the bread on a flat top
>Do this daily so I usually hold the bread down with my hand turn around and get the mayo ready to put on to speed things up.
>This time I turn around first and never actually put the bun down
>Begin to hold down bun and stare at girlfriends ass I stare so intently she turns around smiling.
>Smile turns into horrified look and then I smell something sickly sweet
>look back at hand bottom of palm literally looks like cooked strip steak as I lift it off the grill my skin sticks and pulls off
>dump hand in ice water and just bandage it then close the place and sanitize the flattop I can still clearly remember scraping my burnt skin off

Wasnt that bad honestly my ass staring and +10 fire resistance made me not feel it burning which is probably ehy my hand sat on the flat top so long. Skin grew back weird looking but barely noticeable. When I touch it my hand will feel fummy for 10 minutes so I just try my best not to its been 5 years since. I'll just never forget seeing my hand looking like cooked meat and it peeling off so fucking sick.

[Anonymous No.8736304]

>>8736288
this reminds me of
>be cooking chicken on stovetop grill with gf
>leave the fork I used for flipping the chicken resting on the side of the grill of a minute
>while talking to gf take fork and put it in my mouth because I am retarded
>it makes a hissing sound and it takes me 2-3 seconds to realise what's going on
>my lips now have grill-like marks on them
luckily it didn't hurt much and apparently that area heals insanely fast.

[Anonymous No.8736320]

>>8736304
Kek thats always a fun one. I just had to learn to stop using forks and spoons as cooking utensils to stop myself from being a dumbass.

>mfw everytime I did this to myself

[Anonymous No.8736340]

>organize cooking night
>make two pasta dishes for 8 people
>one with spinach, mascarpone and cocktail tomatoes
>one with passata, bacon and chorizo
>huge success, food is gone in two hours
>get really drunk
>proceed to go into the city to party
>a friend of mine who happens to be a cook wingmans me a chick
>we invite her back with the promise of delicious food
>forgot all the food was gone
>we start cooking from leftovers shitfaced drunk
>we fuck up everything
>added too much salt to the pasta water, it's unedible
>sauce consists of soy and barbecue sauce, cream cheese and a shitload of spices making up for the lack of actual food content
>girl is shitfaced drunk also, eats a few bites
>runs into the toilet
>we alternatively hear vomiting and diarrhea sounds
>we pass out
>in the morning the girl could not wake us up, so he had to leave through the fishing shop we rent out
>the kitchen looks like someone exploded our fridge
>friend leaves me to clean up all by myself
>chick writes me on facebook a few days later he almost had a kidney failure due to salt overdose

[Anonymous No.8736346]

>>8736340
>chick
>he

Lel

[Anonymous No.8736378]

>Be me
>Be 13 and doesnt know anything about cooking.
>Try to make microwave ramen
>Withoutanymilk.jpeg
>Totally forgot water
>3 minutes later of intense vidya gaming (one of the Halos just came out. I think 2)
>Smell burning and scoff because it obviously couldn't be MY cuisine.
>Check anyway
>Is my cuisine
>Thick, black billowing smoke off a amoldering brick of dry noodles.
>Pour water on smoldering ramen. It smoldered on.
>Grabbed trash can and said "fuck it", throwing it inside (alone, so it didnt start a trash can fire)
>Stuck trash can outside next to curb for garbage men to deal with.
>Successfully avoided my mom asking why a smoking trash can was outside a little under an hour later by answering "It has some bad habits" with a hyena 13 year old laugh.
>House smelled of burnt shit for a week.

As for Welfarebro, he didnt have much with his red wine coffee mugs and his electric breadknife hacksaw, but he took it upon himself to legendarily make sure you guys were given warmth and drink and a good time regardless of means. Guy is a fucking hero in my eyes.

[Anonymous No.8736605]

>>8727308
>get msg once
>put in unlabeled jar
>mom finds it
>assumes it's sugar
>bakes an apple crisp

[Anonymous No.8736607]

>>8736605
i might eat that, depedns how much she used

[Anonymous No.8736615]

>>8726962
>decide to make bread
>use recipe I've successfully used previously
>why is my dough too sticky?
>why isn't it rising?
>I bake the dough anyway
>turns out I put 3 tbsp of salt instead of 1.5 tsp
>saltier than pasta water
>into the trash it goes

Also no matter how many times I have ignited the oven, I still get spooked when I ignite the oven, thinking I'll burn the house down

[Anonymous No.8736616]

>>8726962
today I tried making tacos for the first time

>open the box of taco shells that I just bought
>4 of them are intact whilst the other 8 are completely shattered

Is this normal procedure? I feel like this should be illegal.

[Anonymous No.8736620]

>>8726962
I used a Plastic Strainer with Nylon Mesh to extract fries from hot oil, then proceeded to temporarily place that on a hot pan I forgot was on while I grabbed the correct metal strainer. It all melted into the chips and ruined the pan, my meal and my day.

[Anonymous No.8736624]

>>8727308
This why I always wear shoes cooking. Too many times has water and oil spilt on the floor, fuck dealing with glass barefoot.

[Anonymous No.8736636]

>>8728846
Where the fuck did the water go

[Anonymous No.8736646]

>>8728547
My uncle sliced his finger off at the 2nd knuckle and it never grew back.

[Anonymous No.8736647]

>>8736616
you could complain to the compaqny/store but its such a shit process its not worth it desu. Usually one or 2 get messed up u were unlucky. on the bright side taco salad is a thing, have at it

[Anonymous No.8736649]

making refried beans, open the can of beans, my hand is placed over the top, slice deep into the main vein in my hand, blood pissing everywhere, gets in the food, go and knock on my neighbours door who is a nurse to see if she would help, she fucking superglues my hand shut, it gets infected, now i have a massive scar on my hand.

[Anonymous No.8736656]

>>8730427
You in Brisbane?

[Anonymous No.8736737]

>at friends house for dinner in grade 4 or 5
>friends mom is a crackwhore
>friends mom decided to make us meatballs and creamed corn
>put pot of corn on stove and meatballs in over
>decided to leave the house to talk to her "friend" while dinner cooked, leaving two 10 year olds in the house
>we're watching south park and looking for his brother's porn for an hour
>open the door and there's smoke pouring down the staircase from the kitchen
>uhhh
>tear out the screen of the basement window and crawl out of the house
>no clue where his mom is so we run to neighbor's place
>neighbor is visibly horrified and feeds us for dinner before calling my mom
>mom takes me home and I'm never allowed back over to Tommy's house again

[Anonymous No.8736746]

>>8727308
Both you and your parents made some stupid decisions.

[Anonymous No.8736747]

>>8736647
I disagree. If he calls the manufacturer and bitches they'll send him a handful of vouchers for free product. I did it with a bag of stale potato chips and the company sent me 6 vouchers for any of their products. Well worth the phone call.

[Anonymous No.8736750]

>>8727584
Rich Evans is that you?

[Anonymous No.8736755]

>bought sesame oil.
>used it in ramen.
>whole house smelt like burning motor oil.
>never used it again.

[Anonymous No.8736758]

>stick an unfolded paperclip in a sandwich to keep it together like at a restaurant
>put it in microwave
>starts to crackle and spark so I immediately take it out
>try and pull out hot paperclip
>leave a smoldering indentation on my right thumb

[Anonymous No.8736784]

>>8731976
Pics of sister?

[Anonymous No.8736799]

>>8736649
if she used either dermabond or the veterinary stuff, that's a legit way to close up a wound.

[Anonymous No.8736825]

>>8731976
>banned from cooking
>by family

I don't know why but that sounded way funnier than it probably was.

[Anonymous No.8736843]

>>8729766
>10 years old
>want to bake grandmas cookie recipe
>her cookbook is hand-written in some squiggly 40's cursive
>misread 2 tbs of baking soda as 2 Tütchen (sachets)
>the cookies ended up as some foam that spread all over the tray and became hard as rocks

[Anonymous No.8736844]

>brother and I decide to make a package of cheddar wursts in a shitty wood burning stove in the basement that came with the house
>one hour later
>whole fucking house reeks of rotten meat and cheese

it didn't go away for about a month, and it turns out that there were about 5 birds that got stuck in the exhaust chute and were literally cooked to death when we made the brats, which is why the house smelled like fucking barf and cheese -op

[Anonymous No.8736851]

>>8736844
>-op
swallow your entire medicine cabinet

[Anonymous No.8736861]

>>8736844
you dont gotta type op every post bud and when you reply do a line break first so it looks like

>>123ABC
fag

and not

>>123ABC fag

[Anonymous No.8736924]

>>8727756
>drink a bottle of rum while the turkey is in the oven
>chop off a lump of finger

why are you so relaxed about this

[Anonymous No.8737008]

>>8735766
>the ol' lickaroo

i remember this meme

[Anonymous No.8737146]

>>8736861 I'm using my phone to browse and I don't know how to do it on here.

[Anonymous No.8737187]

>>8736851 I'm a fag, what did you expect?.

[Anonymous No.8737221]

>>8731953
kek

[Anonymous No.8737431]

>>8736150
>sauce hollandaise
>microwave
nigga what?

[Anonymous No.8737486]

>>8727308

[Anonymᴑus No.8737502]

>>8727666
you're supposed to put it over the middle of the stove where there are no burners, to avoid this situation and to avoid bumping into the handle and flinging hot food everywhere

[Anonymᴑus No.8737554]

>about 3 years old
>Mom is asleep
>but I want some popcorn
>not sure how long to cook it
>I'll just put it on as high as it can go
>wait what is that, it's gotta be 99:99
>I'm so clever
>that way I know it'll be done
>and I get to see what it looks like when I do that which is fun because it's a countdown
>popcorn starts burning
>don't want to stop it because I feel committed and I don't want to admit it was a mistake
>smoke wakes up Mom
>right about then the bag catches on fire
>get yelled at

she's got one too though
>cooking is fun, home cooking is good
>let's make maple syrup
>worked fine previously
>tastes awful
>a really hard to place kind of awful
>try to stomach it for a few days
>I ask if she's sure she used maple extract because the vanilla extract looks exactly the same except for the word "vanilla" printed once on the tiny bottle it comes in
>of course not
>she checks
>it was vanilla extract
>my mom made vanilla syrup
should've tried it on some chocolate ice cream come to think of it
also she's constantly cutting herself on accident
good cook otherwise though

[Anonymous No.8737599]

>>8737554
>my mom made vanilla syrup

this needs to be a thing I reckon.

[Anonymous No.8737616]

>>8730624
doubt it was pyrex

[Anonymous No.8737632]

>>8737431
I'm not a good cook. I used allrecipes for that and it said to microwave it.

[Anonymous No.8737726]

>>8737554
How the fuck do you even make maple syrup?

[Anonymous No.8737758]

>>8727625
Fake as shit. Even the hottest cast iron dutch oven wouldn't burn through laminate flooring and then the osb underneath.

[Anonymous No.8737861]

>>8736150
nigga that is not hollandaise sauce.

hollandaise is made like mayo but with liquified butter instead of oil.

[Anonymous No.8737943]

I tried making chicken katsu, but could only find a recipe using imperial measurements.

Being a bit drunk I didn't think to look up the conversion, so I put what I thought was a quarter inch of oil in the pan (which turned out to be almost two), and...yeah.

It hurt a bit.

[Anonymous No.8737951]

>>8737943
Toothpaste m8. If it's not an open wound ofc. But toothpaste takes all the heat out.

[Anonymous No.8737958]

>>8737951
This was a few years ago and I haven't had any noticeable issues since (unless you count forgetting the butter for my sugar cookies).

Good to know for the future, though.

[Anonymous No.8737981]

>>8737861
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/233971/quick-and-easy-hollandaise-sauce-in-the-microwave/
this is the recipe I used, first thing that came up on google.
I'm not arguing with you I just wanted to show what came up when I tried to make it.

I put the remains of the sauce (about 2 teaspoons of some buttery swill) on top of some eggs and ham
worst fucking eggs benedict ever.

[Anonymous No.8737992]

>>8737943
is that one of those color changing rings? I haven't seen one of those in ages.

[Anonymous No.8738000]

>>8737992
Yeah, I used to wear a mood ring all the time. I'd still be wearing one, but I lost a lot of weight and my old one doesn't fit anymore, and I can't find a good, wrap-around fidget one for cheap enough.

[Anonymous No.8738040]

>>8727308
Chocolate milk and popcorn that's gross

[Anonymous No.8738291]

>reheating chicken one soup
>parents are at the bar
>1 hour down the line ask my brother in the next room if he smells peanuts
>parents come home drunk as fuck and wtfing over the smell
>tell them it was my fault
>they chew out my brother for 30 minutes
I still dont even understand

[Anonymous No.8738317]

>>8736924
probably because of the rum

[Anonymous No.8738363]

>>8727666
Post scars mister satan man

[Anonymous No.8738427]

>>8736073
Except it's not actually Pyrex, it's Pyrex™.

[Anonymous No.8738442]

>>8737726
I don't know how he did it, but when I was younger we'd tap the big maple tree in the side yard and boil down the sap as a fun activity.

[Anonymous No.8738453]

>>8738427
>americans using brand names as generic terms yet again
wew

[Anonymous No.8738461]

>>8737146

[Anonymous No.8738491]

>>8738453
It was meant to convey that it's not actually legit Pyrex, but it's a shitty glassware that's just using the name like >>8734285 pointed out. But I can see how you're just trying to start shit that isn't there.

[Anonymous No.8738502]

>>8738491
I wasn't referring to the poster I quoted, I was actually reinforcing what he said.

[Anonymous No.8738583]

>>8734767
Did babby just learn a new word?

[Anonymous No.8739016]

>>8738453
>butthurt Yourapeon ashamed that Americans can make his national heritage foods better than his own countrymen can make them

[Anonymous No.8740432]

>>8739016
?

[Anonymous No.8740458]

>>8736649

did you bang her?

[Anonymous No.8740462]

>college days
>misread label on microwave burrito
>"alright, 15-17 minutes"
>at about 5 in minutes smell burritos
>mmmmm gon be good
>continue to wait
> notice smoke slowly coming from microwave
>smell is now burnt
>burritos are charred to the plate
>apt. smells like burnt shit for a week

[Anonymous No.8740726]

>Cooking a curry
>Recipe calls to brown the chicken in some oil before adding chicken stock
>Decide to use some lard instead of vegetable oil
>Heat it up
>Go to put chicken into large stockpot where the oil is
>All the chicken falls out of the bowl at once
>Ohshitnigga.mp4
>Did i mention im not wearing a shirt?
>A shower of extremely hot lard flys out of the pot in a shower
>Covers me in droplets of satan's burning asshole
>Scream like a babyback bitch.
>Entire kitchen covered in droplets of lard.
>There's even lard on the ceiling.
>Burn spots all over my body where the droplets made contact

Its like cooking bacon without a shirt on, only 100x worse.


The oil spots on the ceiling are still there and this was like a month ago.

[Anonymous No.8740737]

>>8740726

90% of my cooking is shirtless, you'll learn through pain

[Anonymous No.8740764]

>>8740737
100% of my cooking is stark naked while masturbating to blind nugget midget black shemale porn, you'll learn through stains.

[Anonymous No.8740790]

>>8726962
Not mine but related

>chinese roomie wants to boil eggs to make those brown chinese eggs for a dish
>forgets about them
>shit is drycooking in a pan for about 20 min
>come home, smoke everywhere, reeks af
>put the pan on the balcony, eggs are black and molted into the pan
>he acts like it is a completely normal thing to do

Also

>come home from highschool years and years back when I still lived at home
>kitchen door is locked but there is smoke everywhere
>check the furnace
>there is a pan with beef which is supposed to be slow cooking now dry cooking and burnt beyond recognition
>notice moms purse
>get to the staircase and yell to check whether she is home or not
>she thought I was going to be home soon anyway and went to bed instead of looking after the beef

[Anonymous No.8740929]

>>8736616
Completely normal.
Buy yellow corn tortillas and lightly bake them around a mold for just long enough for them to firm up and then let them sit for a few minutes.
You can get like 72 for about the same price as a box of 10.

[Anonymous No.8741700]

>>8740726
I hope it hurt like hell and you learned from it. Never cook nacked. No matter for whom, no matter if you're home alone and only cooking for yourself, don't.

There are few exceptions: Making sandwiches after midnight is allright, getting beer from the fridge (unless you've a proper beerfridge in the living room like a king) nacked is allright.
Getting a snack/drink for the missus after exhausting activities, too.

[Anonymous No.8742098]

>>8736607
Well i guess if she used it as sugar then probably a lot