KITCHEN FUCKUP GENERAL

[Anonymous No.6630243]

>be me
> get married to love of my life out of high school
>8/10 German blonde qt
> ten years later
> get cucked by literal Tyrone
> she moves out and takes everything with her
> have no furniture
> she even took my Brita water filter fuck my life
> leaves exactly one pan and one broken spatula out of pity I guess
>I never cooked really, never had to because she was excellent at it
> decide to drink 1/3 handle of tequila and make sadtime tacos
> Brown some ground beef and prepare fixings
> add seasoning to ground beef
> realize I used sloppy Joe mix packet instead of taco seasoning
> cry myself to sleep

[Anonymous No.6630246]

I remember on multiple occasions getting drunk and trying to make cheese sauce by just dropping a block of cheese in a frying pan.

[Anonymous No.6630253]

>>6630243
>new gf is over for dinner
>think I'm a chef
>chicken parmigiana cooked to perfection
>tells me hers is undercooked
>microwave hers for 2 minutes, enjoy your rubber chicken bitch
>she dumps me a week later

Only mistake I made was not microwaving it longer.

[Anonymous No.6630255]

>>6630246

[Anonymous No.6630357]

> put Pablo in meatloaf because I thought it would function as breadcrumbs
> On a separate occasion I also put steak sauce on a meatloaf instead of ketchup and ruined it
>I used to think that you make gravy by adding flour to milk instead of making a roux first
> thought that canned fondue sauce might make a suitable substitute for Alfredo sauce
Ayy lmoa

[Anonymous No.6630363]

>>6630357
>put Pablo in meatloaf because I thought it would function as breadcrumbs
>Pablo

Is there something you want to confess, anon?

[Anonymous No.6630375]

>>6630363
> auto correct
I ment Panko lol

[Anonymous No.6630376]

>>6630243
How long ago was this?

[Anonymous No.6630380]

>>6630375
so you're a WOMAN KILLER?!

[Anonymous No.6630390]

>just turned 21
>order a bottle of absinthe for party
>bro says to mix whole bottle with sugar and drink straight
>I'm drunk so say it seems legit
>he grabs the bottle and mixes it
>the retard grabbed the salt instead of sugar
>was really hard to choke down

[Anonymous No.6630446]

>>6630376
Just last week :(

[Anonymous No.6630449]

>>6630390
You drank it anyway

[Anonymous No.6630614]

>woman cheats
>you lose everything
Things that never happened/10 but still that would be straight up most pitiful man on the Earth shit right there

[Anonymous No.6630653]

>>6630614
Well she stripped the house of all the furniture and wares. She did technically buy them. Even if it was with my money.

Sure I have the house. She could never afford it anyway. Still is literally empty. There is no trace of her. It's one of the main factors of my depression.

I've just been eating hungry mans too which makes it worse

[Anonymous No.6630747]

>>6630653
The hungry mans makes me doubt the validity of the statement

[Anonymous No.6630759]

>>6630243
>>6630653
Keith?

[Anonymous No.6630767]

>>6630253
>>6630243
Cool story, bro.

[Anonymous No.6630785]

>Be like 9
>Babysitting ~4 year old nephew by myself while my mom and brother are working
>He wants a sausage patty
>Find frozen, tubed, raw sausage that my mom used
>Cut a slice and stick it in the microwave until it's not frozen anymore
>"This isn't how my daddy makes it. It tastes funny"
>"Eat it anyways, I cooked it just for you"
>He ate it.

Never told anyone about it, thankfully he didn't die because that would have looked suspicious.

[Anonymous No.6630790]

>>6630747
:( I got like 30 of the fried chicken ones then I got sad because it reminded me of her Tyrone

[Anonymous No.6631297]

>>6630375
>boil some balsamic
>forget about it
>look at it later and find a giant mass of burnt black crusty solid curtin like substance
I apologize for everything

[Anonymous No.6631609]

>>6630375
but... panko IS breadcrumb! ( you need to mix it a bit in the kitchen machine to be fine)

[Anonymous No.6631641]

>>6630653

look, go to walmart and buy a full set of Tramontina, a Farberware or Chicago knife block, and a grab a boxed flatware set and a dish set you like.

it'll cost you about $300 but it's all more than adequate quality and is literally everything you need.

then pick a food you particularly enjoy, like lasagna or fried chicken or chicken and rice or scrambled eggs and bacon or chocolate cake and go to youtube and watch some instructionals.

cooking is now you hobby, move on and start making your life enjoyable without a bitch in it, dude.

[Anonymous No.6631646]

>>6630785
>frozen tubed raw sausage that my mum used

is it bad that I thought you sliced a dildo and fed it to a child

[Anonymous No.6631700]

>>6630785
>preparing materials for a barbeque
>raw sausages
>younger brother of about ten finds them
> being a dipshit, he decides they're cooked
> eats an entire raw sausage
> no aftereffects
> didn't even realize until we told him

[Anonymous No.6631753]

>sadtime tacos

I'm stealing this, buying Ortega, and renaming it that.

[Anonymous No.6631883]

>>6631646
kek
If you knew my mom, you would know that it's totally possible that she kept dildos in the freezer.

[Anonymous No.6631892]

>>6631753

is sad

[Anonymous No.6631908]

>>6630243
>never does any cooking or chores
>surprised when gf dumps him for a man that treats her right.

[Anonymous No.6631917]

>>6630653
She stole all your shit and you let her do it because technically she was the one that traded your currency in exchange for the items?

[Anonymous No.6631922]

>>6631641
>>6630653

Oh, you'll want a set of cooking untensils, a set of mixing owls and measuring cups and spoons.

here's a shopping list that will put fully into the cooking game:

http://www.walmart.com/ip/19581112

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Chicago-Cutlery-Ashland-16-Piece-Knife-Set-with-Block/23000717

http://www.walmart.com/ip/15231393

and again any set of flatware and dishware you like on sight, get a glassware set while you're at it

now get crackalackin

[Anonymous No.6632043]

>>6631917
>tfw Tyrone is using my favorite chair

[Anonymous No.6632048]

>>6631917
this sounds like a case for, THE PEOPLE'S COURT

[Jose No.6632908]

I have the tendency to make a lot of something and eat the leftovers throughout the work week to minimize cooking or getting takeout.

When it's a fuck up, it's devastating.

[Anonymous No.6632952]

>>6630243
Did you two have any kids? If not well you lucked out. Remember this, in less than 5 years time she will not only be single, but she will be homeless, with child, and very likely also have AIDs. Seems to me that you lucked out here, your biggest worry at this point is, what will you do with all your new found saved money and getting STD checked because you made the mistake of marrying a whore.

[Anonymous No.6632965]

>>6630243
I found the perfect book for you.
http://www.amazon.com/Microwave-Cooking-One-Marie-Smith/dp/1565546660

[Anonymous No.6632966]

>>6631922
>mixing owls

[Anonymous No.6632987]

>>6632048
i watch people's court every day during lunch. milian is the GOAT

[Anonymous No.6632996]

>>6630243

>Getting married
>ever
>Getting married out of highschool

Dun goofed x2