KITCHEN FUCK UPS: THIS IS HOW WE GET ANTS

[Anonymous No.6489659]

ITT: Green text stories about fuck ups in the kitchen
In b4:
> you burnt water somehow, why are you even on a cooking board when you shouldn't even be in a kitchen
> burner left on for hours. Stoners pls go
> girl feeds kid dry cereal from dog dish and then sells to hillbilly pederasts for a truck or some shit

I'll start
> be me
> making biscuits and gravy
> take biscuits out of oven and set them on stove
> set too close to gravy pan and knock it over
> somehow it spins and flies across the room in slow motion
>MMMMM WHATCHA SAY.mp4
> gets under the refrigerator
> biscuits are now useless to me and I have anger problems so I throw the whole tray out the window
> didn't use mitts so I burned my hands
> hot tray landed on some persons kid
> got sued and ants

[Anonymous No.6489872]

Man fuck fazoli and guy fieri threads

[Anonymous No.6489874]

>>6489659
>> biscuits are now useless to me and I have anger problems so I throw the whole tray out the window
>> didn't use mitts so I burned my hands
>> hot tray landed on some persons kid
>> got sued and ants
murka

[Anonymous No.6489899]

This happened today

>still a noob in the kitchen
>found a broiled steak recipe that looked good
>have only ever really used broiler to finish off a dish and give food a nice crust
>place steaks on wire rack, on top of broiler insert, on top of broiler pan
>steaks go in fine
>cook and go to flip
>steaks have swelled and curled
>can't remove broiler tray to flip steaks

I ended up turning the broiler off and got the steaks out and flipped with some handy tong work

They still came out really good. Next time the wire rack goes right on the broiler pan and the insert gets set aside.

[Anonymous No.6489905]

On the first day at my last job, I was helping the baker.

I left the doughscraper in the brownies.

[Anonymous No.6489974]

>>6489905
Did you get fired?

[Anonymous No.6490010]

>>6489974
No, she never let me live it down though.
We both just laughed

[Anonymous No.6490029]

i worked at a wine and cheese shop, one day overnight the walk in cooler turned into a freezer\

broken beer bottles everywhere, frozen cheese we had to throw out, was such a mess that morning

[Anonymous No.6490053]

>have 8 chickens worth of bones, skin, organs, etc
>hell yes nigger it's fucking stock time
>my pressure cooker is a beast, a 21-quart All-American I inherited from my mother
>a dozen chicken carcasses fills maybe 1/3rd of this thing
>takes forever to heat up on my shitty electric stove, the giant metal radiator on my stove heats up my entire downstairs
>say fuck it and just do it in the stock pot

>set everything up, lots of water, rolling boil, reduce heat, go to bed at midnight
>get up at 5AM
>everything is well, 1/3rd of the water is gone
>top off the water
>go back to bed
I guess I nudged the heat control because I woke up at 7 to go to work and it was SMOKE AND BURNING, all 10 quarts of water had boiled off. Added water, tasted like burning, threw the whole thing out.

Amazon has 10-quart All-American pressure cookers for $140, definitely getting one for the next time I make stock. My mom was an avid canner and made good use of that 21 quarts but that fucker is just WAY too big for general use for me.

[Anonymous No.6490066]

>>6490029
>throwing out frozen cheese
FUCK dude I'd have been making gourmet mac and cheese for days. Cheese is generally okay to freeze. Might affect texture if you eat it straight, but melted or in a recipe it's fine.

>>6489905
Not /ck/, but when I worked at a concrete plant in QC, people had a bad habit of leaving things like scoops and thermometers in the concrete when they'd dump it out in the waste pile.

[Anonymous No.6490148]

>be 11 or so
>mom is making spaghetti sauce
>decide I want to help and add some stuff I found in the spice cupboard
>spaghetti tastes like mint
>deny doing anything for years
>finally around 18 admit I added mint extract

I really held onto the guilt too long.

[Anonymous No.6490159]

>>6490066

It's likely a stock issue, once food or drink gets fucked up the store has to chuck it for health and safety reasons, not just give it away as shrinkage

[Anonymous No.6490181]

>>6489659
Oh man, I remember that guy. Thanks for reminding me about cheeriohero.

I never use my aluminum pan in the oven, and did once to finish off some meal I don't remember anymore.

Muscle memory recalls me storing pan in the oven for future use and just fucking hamfists it without a mitt.

>Mfw I grabbed it with a dripping wet hand
>Mfw I hear the sizzling before I realize to PULL MY FUCKING HAND AWAY

I got a really neat looking burn on all of my fingers and my palm, but it never blistered. The water saved me from real burn damage, but that steam fucked up the parts of my hand that didn't touch the metal. Decent trade TBH

[Anonymous No.6490196]

One time I left a pot full of water on the lit stove for hours then fed some kid dry cereal, and sold him to some hillbilly pedophiles in exchange for a truck.

[Anonymous No.6490228]

>>6490181
>CheerioHero

Is that the name of that fucking shitty meme?

[Anonymous No.6490231]

>>6490159
It's not an issue unless the person in charge of dealing with this issue is an uptight fuckwad.

>work at Taco Bell
>waffle tacos are discontinued (terrible idea, biscuit tacos suck IMO)
>we still have a giant box of them in the freezer
>make a couple chicken and waffles meals for employees
>still have a ton left over
>everyone ends up taking home a few free packs of not-Eggos

[Anonymous No.6490258]

>>6490066
>Might affect texture if you eat it straight
sort of how people normally eat good cheese?

[Anonymous No.6490269]

>be me
>cook anything
>fucked up


but really
>get steaks
>cook steaks on my cast iron
>last time i cooked steaks they ended up well, so cook for half the time on my cast iron inna oven
>come out still well done
they were still delicious though
I doubt I will ever figure out how to cook steak
at least they were juicy


then there was the time i fucked up a big pot of mac n cheese

[Anonymous No.6490273]

>>6490269
actually can anyone give me tips on steak?

I sear them a minute each side on high before 30 seconds each side in a 500 degree oven

that's 3 minutes a steak and they are still well done

wat do

[Anonymous No.6490281]

>>6490273
Take meat
Put meat on hot surface/fire
flip meat
consume

[Anonymous No.6490284]

Not that interesting but
>get home from a long day at work
>decide to reheat some jambalaya for dinner
>add extra cooked rice to make it a bit thicker
>place bowl in microwave that's above the stove
>grab bowl, bowl is too hot, accidently toss bowl and coat myself and half the kitchen with jambalaya

[Anonymous No.6490285]

>>6490281
>do that
>doesn't work
>???
>you're fucking retarded

[Anonymous No.6490289]

>>6490285
>can't put meat on a heat source and flip it
>calls other people retarded

[Anonymous No.6490292]

>>6490289
>literally do as you describe
>doesn't work

[Anonymous No.6490299]

>>6490292
>operator error
>personal problem
>retards
>stupid
>ad hominem

It's not a problem with the process, m8.

[Anonymous No.6490303]

>>6490299
so you don't actually know how to cook steak.

[Anonymous No.6490308]

>>6490303
I guess not, anon. You go ahead and keep doing it your way.

[Anonymous No.6490320]

>>6490308
>>6490289
>>6490285
>>6490281
>>6490273
>>6490269
>>6490303
>>6490299
>>6490292
Buy a meat thermometer.
Freeze your steak a little before cooking.
Cook to temp, not to time.

[Anonymous No.6490323]

>>6490273

Do not use time as a measurement. You can use it as a general guideline as to when you should begin to check your meat once you are familiar with the cooking times of meat based on their thickness and the temperature you are cooking them at. The thickness of various cuts of steak varies greatly, and even the same cut of meat can vary in size a significant amount; this is why using time as your measurement is bad. Just use a meat thermometer.

[Anonymous No.6490345]

>>6490284
awwwwwwwwww its ok

[Anonymous No.6490373]

>With friends, decide to cook up some steaks
>Am a little tipsy
>Hey I know I'll use a meatcleaver for some reason
>Hey why is the tip of my thumb hanging off
>Finish making steaks and sauce
>Best sauce I've ever cooked
>My blood is delicious

[Anonymous No.6490449]

>>6490258
get some fancy cheese and make insane gourmet mac 'n' cheese sometime
use a roux, add some prosciutto and italian sausage, bake it with breadcrumbs on top, go the whole nine yards
thank me later

[Anonymous No.6490703]

>>6489874
Actually I'm Australian

[Anonymous No.6490752]

OP though green text hurts my eyes, done all that and worse. Pressure cookers and crock pots are the worst.Every place I have lived had a mark or hole on the ceiling from pressure cookers.My crock pot is clean only because a neighbor took pity she truly is God's gift, but unaware of that fact.

[Anonymous No.6490908]

>>6490449
...but it was a wine and cheese shop

[Anonymous No.6490947]

>>6489659
>cutting veggies a bit fast not paying much attention, tired from day
>slice tip of the finger clean off
>i just stand there looking at the blood spill for a good minute or two
>knife was so sharp and new it didn't even hurt
>"hmmm i think I might've hurt myself"
washing it was hell on earth
took a fucklong time to heal and how i have a scar on my finger

[Anonymous No.6490970]

So I noticed my stove top was dirty along with the bottom of one of my pans, and so I sprayed the pan bottom with oven cleaner. While holding it, I sprayed the stove top with oven cleaner. This went on fire. I blew it out, but didn't notice the pan was on fire for about 30 seconds.

Felt kind of dumb lighting my kitchen on fire like that.

[Anonymous No.6490981]

Catching butter on fire is possible right?

[Anonymous No.6490990]

>>6490981
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IxzfzNPkrc

[Anonymous No.6490994]

>>6490990
Seems my friend isn't as retarded as I thought, even if he did throw a blender, that was still plugged into a socket, into a sink full of water while one of his hands was still in it.

[Anonymous No.6491002]

>>6490303
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rEx9gPhtjzs

5 minutes on youtube. Not fucking difficult.

Also, MEDIUM heat. You will never use high heat unless you're making some blackened cajun thing.

[Anonymous No.6491025]

>>6490148
Look
If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To cook everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture it
Or just let it slip?
Yo
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's mint taste to this bolognese, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To cook bolognese, but he keeps on forgettin'
What she wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's chokin', how, everybody's gaggin' now
The clocks run out, times up, over, blargh!
Snap back to reality, oh there goes spaghetti
Oh, there goes Anon, he cooked
It's so bad, but he won't give up that easy? No
He won't have it, he knows his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope, he knows that, but he's broke
He's so stacked that he knows, when he goes back to his mobile home, that's when its
Back to the kitchen again yo, this whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

[Anonymous No.6491057]

>need to boil some ground dried mushroom (chaga) to make tea (not the fun kind of mushroom.)
>yes, needs to come to a full boil, this isn't some delicate leaf, it's like a brick you break up and grind
>set it on low, go do something else
>while later
>smoke alarm going off
>ask housemates what the fuck they did, because they are always doing stupid shit to set off the alarm
>realize it's my mushroom tea
>water completely evaporated
>take pot, throw it outside, open all the doors and windows

They make mistakes daily, no big deal; you fuck up once, they never shut up about it.

[Anonymous No.6491061]

>>6490148
Look
If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To cook everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture it
Or just let it slip?

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's mint taste to this bolognese, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To cook bolognese, but he keeps on forgettin'
What she wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's chokin', how, everybody's gaggin' now
The clocks run out, times up, over, blargh!
Snap back to reality, oh there goes spaghetti
Oh, there goes Anon, he cooked
It's so bad, but he won't give up that easy? No
He won't have it, he knows his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope, he knows that, but he's broke
He's so stacked that he knows, when he goes back to his mobile home, that's when its
Back to the kitchen again yo, this whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him
You better lose yourself in the cooking, the moment
You own it, you better never let it burn
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to cook
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

[Anonymous No.6491068]

>>6490148
Look
If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To cook everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture it
Or just let it slip?

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's mint taste to this bolognese, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To cook bolognese, but he keeps on forgettin'
What she wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's chokin', how, everybody's gaggin' now
The clocks run out, times up, over, blargh!
Snap back to reality, oh there goes spaghetti
Oh, there goes Anon, he cooked
It's so bad, but he won't give up that easy? No
He won't have it, he knows his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope, he knows that, but he's broke
He's so stacked that he knows, when he goes back to his mobile home, that's when its
Back to the kitchen again yo, this whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

You better lose yourself in the cooking, the moment
You own it, you better never let it burn
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to cook
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

[Anonymous No.6491072]

>>6490231

>dad an electrician
>got a job fixing up a waffle factory for a few months
>came home with boxes upon boxes of defective waffles that were perfectly edible
>ate bodyweight in shitty toaster waffles

[Anonymous No.6491074]

This isn't green text but it feels like the best place to ask for advice, since it's a kitchen mistake.

I just made some curried lentils. I cooked dried lentils in stock, fish sauce, dried lime, bay leaves and black pepper. Then when they were nearly ready I added garam masala, salt and ground cumin. The lentils ended up really bitter. I have a feeling that I burned the cumin and garam masala, as the lentils did dry out a lot before I took them off the heat (I got distracted by doing work). Could this be the case?

[Anonymous No.6491077]

>>6490269

>oven

Why? I just sear it stovetop, they come out perfect every time. Rare to extra rare. I accidentally overcooked it to medium rare once and I was thoroughly disappointed.

[Anonymous No.6491078]

>>6491068
The aroma's escaping, through this hole that is gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me chef, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is boring, but michelin chefdom's close to post mortem
It only grows harder, kitchen grows hotter
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he's known as the globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He's grown farther from home, he's no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose cuz here goes the cold water
His hoes don't want him no mo', he's spoiled product
They moved on to the next schemer who cooks
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soup opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old partner, but the beat goes on
Da da dumb da dumb da da

You better lose yourself in the cooking, the moment
You own it, you better never let it burn
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to cook
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

[Anonymous No.6491082]

>>6491078
No more games, I'm changing what you call rage
Pull this mother fucking custard off like crême brulée
I was playing in the beginning, the food all changed
I been chewed up and spit out and booed off stage
But I kept cooking and kept writing the next recipes
Best believe somebody's paying the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the fact
That I can't get by with my 9 to 5
And I can't provide the right type of life for my family

Cuz man, these goddamn food stamps don't buy saffron
And it's no movie, there's no Sarah Sharman, this is my life
And these times are so hard, and it's getting even harder
Tryin to feed and water my seed, plus
Teeter totter caught up between being a father and a pre-madonna
Baby mama drama's screaming on and
Too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another day of monotony's
Gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail
I've got to formulate a dish or I end up in jail or shot
Success is my only mother fucking option, failure's not
Mom, I love you, but this sketti's got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem's lot
So here I go, it's my shot.
Food fail me not, this maybe the only opportunity that I got

You better lose yourself in the cooking, the moment
You own it, you better never let it burn
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to cook
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime

[Anonymous No.6491086]

>>6490292

You're stupid, m8. That's how I always do steak and it comes out perfectly. Let me guess, you cook chicken by boiling it?

The guy is correct. Place meat in hot pan. Cook a bit. Flip. Cook a bit. Done. That fucking easy. Steak is probably the easiest thing to cook outside of instant ramen in existence.

[Anonymous No.6491250]

>>6490231

>upscale gourmet food shop functions exactly like my lower class hamslop factory and what are standards anyway

okay

[Anonymous No.6491357]

>>6491082
Rip my sides

[Anonymous No.6491386]

>>6491068
0/10 more effort next time

>>6491250
Taco bell does not serve hamslop. YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH

[Anonymous No.6491409]

>>6490148
This isn't /ck/, but your story reminds me
>7 or 8 years old
>mom gives me bowl cuts in the backyard
>always have full bangs
>hate bangs
>all the cool kids part their bang, no hair in their face
>7 year old me thinks this is because they cut their bangs In a triangle shape
> cut a triangle into my bangs like a reverse widows peak
>deny, deny deny
>eventually crack and admit that I look great

[Anonymous No.6491801]

>>6491082
You wasted way too much time doing that shit

[Anonymous No.6494167]

>>6491801
I just lost myself in posting, the moment.

[Anonymous No.6494169]

>>6489659
This is stupid. You're an idiot. Don't you stock surface spray? Keep the floor around your fridge sprayed with insecticide. Refresh the spray whenever anything rolls under there. You'll never get ants.

[Anonymous No.6494170]

>>6491801
>>6491386
I just lost myself in the posting, the moment.

[Anonymous No.6494191]

> Making real absinthe.
> Over 20 herbs, macerated in pure spirit, good five litres of it, for over a week
> Time to distill the tanin away leaving the good stuff in.
> Prepare all the necessary setup, a professional condenser that belongs in a laboratory, coolant water from the tap running through the pipes, returned down the sink, a 10l flask with the macerate, (the style used for homebrewing wine) placed in a wide, shallow pot with water on the stove to keep temperature in check, a cork with a pipe to the condenser, even a small plastic pad to keep the bottle isolated from the pot bottom, the only thing I'm missing is a thermometer, couldn't find one that can handle ~80C...
> Everything is set, stove is lit, waiting for the macerate to start boiling.
> waiting...
> waiting...
> Water in the pot starts boiling. The spirit with herbs is not. Barely a few drops of absinthe in the collection vessel.
> Recall a chemistry book about overheating liquids; porous material needed to trigger boiling.
> Find an old porcelain mount for a bulb. Wash it, smash with a hammer. Open the flask, toss shards in.
> Suddenly the whole volume of spirit starts boiling. A fountain of hot spirit springs up and sprinkles spirit everywhere.
> Spirit is lit from the fire of the stove; the fountain turns into a two meters tall blowtorch! Flaming spirit everywhere!
> Rip the hose from the tap, open water, finger to the opening, sprinkling water everywhere, extinguishing the fires. Slap fire of spirit that got under the microwave with a wet rag. Blow fire off wherever possible, let it burn away on the metal surface of the stove...
> The remaining 2 liters or so of the absinthe came out pretty good.
> Only later I reflected sprinkling cold water over an overheated glass flask might not have been a brilliant idea. If it broke, the rest of spirit would mix with boiling water, evaporate rapidly and form a firebal.

[Anonymous No.6494193]

>>6494169
>keep the area around your food covered in poison
great minds think alike

[Anonymous No.6494540]

>smoke like 6 weeds in quick succession
>stoned to the bone
>need pop tarts (my high food lol)
>put pop tarts in microwave
>still in foil packaging
>set the 'wave to high and push potato button (thought it said pop tart)

Let's just say I learned the hard way not to put metal in the science oven LMAO

[Anonymous No.6494552]

I get big carpenter ants in my kitchen every May. It's gonna happen soon. I usually put down Terro liquid ant traps and they're gone in two days. Those two days of letting them walk all over my kitchen to get the bait is the worst.

[Anonymous No.6494559]

>>6494552
The only part of my apartment that has bug problems is the radiator in my room. Two years ago I moved in and discovered dozens of ants on my legs. In three days I had that shit covered up with rolls upon rolls of masking tape. Not very noticeable unless closely examining the radiator.

tl:dr fuck ants

[Anonymous No.6494569]

>making roast chicken in the oven
>set gravy aside to set.
>some reason moved the gravy back to stove
>put it on the burner that vents the oven heat
>solid burned gravy in brand new pot :(

Be drunk
>making pulled pork for guests
>this needs some salt
>add salt, stir
>friend grabs a taste of it and says could you some salt
>not realizing salt hasn't taken hold yet tell her go ahead add more
>she adds more salt
>food should be done
>holey fucking salt what a fucking waste
>order pizza

>get some commandants (dressings, hot chocolate, ketchup, mustard, ext) from sketchy guy selling to restaurants,
>our restaurant don't buy from street venders boosters,
>I thought dude was booster with the prices.
>He says no from the USA imported that's why its so cheap.
>I check expiry dates and for damage extra
>get home start sauce
>use sauce I just bought
>while that's cooking make a green salad for myself
>open dressing to put on salad
>take bite, yeck WTF?
>check expiry date 04/12/2014 should still be good wtf?
>USA puts month/day/year
>Canada puts day/month/year
>shit expired 7 month ago

[Anonymous No.6494616]

>>6494191

dude next time use the fucking stirring stick they keep in the labs for that purpose. you stole all the rest of that shit and you didn't grab a precipitator? wtf is wrong with you

[Anonymous No.6494619]

>>6494170

it wasnt that bad, if it was 2004 I would have kekked hard

[Anonymous No.6494643]

>>6491386

Dude Taco Bell uses construction tools to make your food, it's not up for debate

[Anonymous No.6494927]

>>6490303
>asks for help on a simple steak
>blames process that has been proven right since cavemen invented fire
>too dense to accept you're benign naturally selected as a dumbass

[Anonymous No.6495151]

>>6489899
>broiler insert
I've literally never used this.

[Anonymous No.6495168]

>>6489659
>boil water on the stove to make tea, ramen, whatever
>sit down and play some vidya
>hey whats that sound..
>OH GOD I FORGOT THE WATER
>hard water flakes all over the stove
>pan boiled dry

[Anonymous No.6495169]

>>6490273
>>6490269
Are your steaks paper thin or something?

Also, helpful hint:
If you buy flash frozen steaks, then put them on the pan while frozen (no freezer burn or ice, this will cause spitting like you wouldn't believe), you can get a better sear and more consistent internal temperature.

[Anonymous No.6495293]

>>6489659
>have half a leg of bear
>yes, you heard me
>decide to make my favorite meal; bear stroganoff
>Buy a nice bottle of wine to go with it and everything
>Cookin like a madcunt, did a few shots because I cook better a little buzzed.
>Go to pour a tiny bit of cream into it, my girlfriend's yappy little dog barks, I flinch and dump twice as much in as I wanted to.
>Im upset, I turn the stove down and go to sit down for a bit, just to clear my head. I really hate that fucking dog.
>My girlfriend asks whats wrong, I explain.
>Get up a few minutes later to find her at the stove.
>She's an ok, cook, nothing amazing.
>She's workin my stroganoff.
>She tried to fix it by adding beef broth from a carton.

Ive never felt so deflated in my entire life.

[Anonymous No.6495362]

>>6491082
What is going on on this board

[Anonymous No.6495370]

>>6495362
>Not knowing one of Eminem's most famous songs
And this is how you detect the underage.

[Anonymous No.6495377]

>>6494540
>thought it said pop tart

I am laughing. >>6494552

[Anonymous No.6495413]

>>6491250
uh, most places will let you bring home food they can't/won't sell. you know that right?

[Anonymous No.6495423]

>>6495370
wigger detected

[Anonymous No.6495437]

>>6495423
I'm sorry that you were too young to remember when Eminem was really popular.

[Anonymous No.6495458]

>>6490947
Are you me, at like, ten separate occasions over the last decade? This happened to me far too often to simply discard as coincidence - I'm not a clumsy person by any stretch of the imagination, I have good spatial and propreocepsial perception, and yet I continually slice up my fingers with my sharpest knives, elbow fragile mugs and tools off the kitchen counter, smash plates against the sink... Outside the kitchen I'm absolutely fine, yet I've become proficient at bandaging myself with one hand and my first-aid kit can handle pretty much anything apart from surgery.

Also,
> Have two pans on the stove burning hot, one is cast iron frying some eggs, the other a regular one making sauce or something
> Tired from work, on the phone, pick up regular pan and take to dinner table
> Two seconds later realization hits, the pan is too light
> Drop red-hot cast-iron pan down and grab right hand, three fingers blistered in seconds. Pan hits and burns a nice big circle on the carpet. Hot runny eggs on my feet and floor. Rush to treat burns with running water and creams.
> Too angry, tired and hurt to cook anything instead. Eat cold wet paste with ketchup.

[Anonymous No.6495470]

>>6489659
>ITT: Green text stories about fuck ups in the kitchen
>In b4 stuff

Fuck off.

[Anonymous No.6495476]

>>6495470
Hey man, that story a few days back about a chick selling her own kid for a truck was so fucked up it had to be fake. The other two things are just kind of boring.

[Anonymous No.6495483]

>>6495168
>Having hard water

KEK

I live on top of one of America's largest and deepest aquifers with one of the safest and most particular sewage system in the world.

Tap water here tastes exactly like bottled. Even people who use filters have shitty water compared to this area.

[Anonymous No.6495989]

>>6495476
Op of that story here. It was real unfortunately.

Not the pedophile part but the rest

[Anonymous No.6495995]

>>6495989
Have you at least tried offering to babysit the little shit? Or, if it's old enough, just feed it in secret or something.

[Anonymous No.6496005]

>>6494552
KILL THOSE BITCHES WITH FIRE!

[Anonymous No.6496010]

>>6495995
I did both but she's run off to another state with that kid now

She left her truck in my driveway but took the keys with her so it's stuck and I have to pay to get it towed

[Anonymous No.6496020]

>>6496010
That might be a federal crime, get that bitch busted and sue her in civil court for the cost of getting replacement keys.

No mercy to those fucking bitches, they'd most certainly do it you given the chance.

You have to assert your authority, if you don't the bitches will walk all over you.

[Anonymous No.6496022]

>>6496010
>Not selling it to your friendly neighbourhood semi-legal chopshop

[Anonymous No.6496058]

>>6496010

call the dealership, they will send out a locksmith and presto, free truck. drive it until the registration expires then junk it for the tax writeoff or pull the title and sell it for cash on Craigslist, or reregister it in your name

[Anonymous No.6496085]

>Want eggs
>Turn on stove, put a pan the stove, turn it to high to heat it fast, with the intention of turning it down before cooking
>Dog wants out
>Go let her out, stand there watching her
>Forget the pan
>Come back up
>It's still on
>Put some butter in there
>Instantly, fire
>Oh, I forgot that was on high

Pan went from silver to solid black in literally a second.

[Anonymous No.6496092]

>>6494552
If you get bitten by a bullet ant you'll know why "KILL THEM WITH FIRE" is appropriate.

[Anonymous No.6496159]

>>6496092
>This is a calm and unaggressive species which can be kept in a shared tank. These ants are very quick to adapt to their environment and soon learn to eat out of one's hand.
They were $2400 or so when they actually had them in stock.

[Anonymous No.6496173]

>>6491068
>>6491078
Autism/10

[Anonymous No.6496178]

I overcooked the kalbi beef when I had a date over. That is the worst of my sins so far.

[Anonymous No.6496185]

>>6495483
Wow you're so cool, can I be your friend plz?

[Anonymous No.6496189]

>>6490947
Shoulda gone to the doctor. I did and they put my fingertip back on and I was good to go in a couple weeks.

[Anonymous No.6496195]

>>6496159
>their sting can be painful
Reading comprehension.

[Anonymous No.6496199]

>>6490292
You are literally retarded anon. Seek medical help. Maybe the state can keep you safe from yourself. The next time your mommy visits you, tell her you need assistance. I'd tell you to call her but I'm pretty sure you'd strangle yourself with a cordless phone.

[Anonymous No.6496204]

>>6489659
>Anger problems
I know that feel i made kimchi once and dropped the mixer glass with all the sauce in it i ended up throwing the mixer on the floor until it broke haha

[Anonymous No.6496205]

>early morning
>groggy As fuck
>put skillet on stove for eggs, still some bacon grease in from yesterday
>short on time, jump in the shower
>rub a dub dub, wait what is that smell?
>oh fuck
>run naked and dripping into the kitchen
>plume of smoke flowing steadily from the iron skillet, apartment looks like a hookah bar filled with smoke
>grab handle, burn self, throw skillet into sink
>turn water on full blast into almost boiling, hot oil filled skillet
>FAWOOOSH
>spire of flame singes the ceiling and chars the cupboards
>I lost my best pan, potential breakfast, and my security deposit in the span of 10 minutes of absent minded-ness

I also almost burned down a house once as well. Only an exploding can of potato soup saved me that time

[Anonymous No.6496271]

>>6496159
$2400 for what, does that include a queen?
If you're in the USA I'm surprised that it would be allowed here.

[Anonymous No.6496293]

>>6496092
>Red wasp worse than hornets and yellow jackets
I've always thought it was the other way around. I hate those red cunts, they make nests all over my house every year.

[Anonymous No.6496300]

>>6496271
I think it does.

>>6496195
The joke is that massive understatement.

[Anonymous No.6496304]

>>6496092
>TFW only stung by a bee or wasp all of once in my life
Feels pretty damn good. I dunno what the rest of you are doing, wasps leave me alone.

[Anonymous No.6496323]

>>6496304
>little kid on a playground
>pain in arm
>suddenly arm hurts all over and I'm screaming
>fuckers flew up my sleeve and stung me a couple dozen times
I try to stay clam around insects because I think they can detect stress, but they're bigger assholes than cats.

[Anonymous No.6496327]

>>6489659
>girl feeds kid dry cereal from dog dish and then sells to hillbilly pederasts for a truck or some shit

Does anyone besides OP and me remember being in that thread cu/ck/s?

[Anonymous No.6496343]

>>6496293
When I was in a kid they used wasps and hornets used to make nests around my house and friends house, we'd smack the fuck out of them then spray them with hoses. You learn to run fast and split up with friends then meet again later. We used to nail the fuck out those fucking wasp and hornet nests.

Let's say the fuckers were nesting in the corner of a garage, you go in real quick and whack the thing to knock it off of the corner, run away, then once they calm down you do in the for the coup de gras, finishing the little fuckers off. I never not stung by one of those and friends and I nailed a shitload of nests. It was something to do during summer when out of school. I think I was about 6 yrs old or so then.

Red ants were all over place, we used to make concotions of shit and pour it down their openings, then I'd nail em with a magnifying glass, the little fuckers pop with a properly focused beam.

[Anonymous No.6496461]

[Anonymous No.6496543]

> have boyfriend that loves meatloaf
> have recipe passed down eight generations
> making it one day after much pestering to do so
> realize I don't have bread or crumbs
> see panko in pantry
> It's basically the same thing right?
> meatloaf comes out tasting like beef flavored sand
> I have dishonored my family and shamed myself
>mfw

[Anonymous No.6496909]

>>6490148
Did your mom remember it?

[Anonymous No.6497036]

>>6496092
>velvet ants
I used to find those fuckers in my yard all the time when I was a kid. You had to get creative when killing them because they're resilient as fuck. Luckily I never got bit.

[Anonymous No.6497046]

>>6496543
oats, rice, and crushed saltines make okay substitutes

[Anonymous No.6497066]

>>6489659
>be me
Why do people start greentexts like this? Who the fuck else would you be?

[Anonymous No.6497090]

>>6497066
someone else?

[Anonymous No.6497100]

>>6490299
OH I AM LAFFIN!

[Anonymous No.6497297]

>>6496543
>I'm a girl btw ;)

[Anonymous No.6497337]

>>6497297
Why do you think I'm a girl?

[Anonymous No.6497342]

>>6497337
there are no gays on the internet

[Anonymous No.6497364]

>>6491250
You're right.
The stories I hear about upscale dining establishments would imply that they're WORSE than your average hamslop factory, between the hard drugs and heavy drinking.
Worst I ever saw at Taco Bell was a couple of my coworkers were nicotine fiends and my best steamer liked to come in stoned.

[Anonymous No.6497796]

>>6489659
>drop an entire tin of sugar on the ground
>wood floors with small slats so sugar gets real ground in everywhere

>this is indeed how I got ants

[Anonymous No.6497822]

>>6495293
I hate women so much.

Imagine a life where you have never been great at anything, never felt the urge to be great at anything, never felt that magnetic admiration to someone who was great at something, wanted to imitate and ultimately defeat him. Just nothing. Literally all you do in life is exist. Occupy space. You're a chick.

You're bored,tweeting about your fucking hair and not even feeling any kind of happiness from it, just soothing your constant need to be bitter and cunty and petty toward other women. Every single thing you've done in the past year was mundane, shallow, and boring. You spent the last six hours reading kinda-interesting Reddit stories about people who made interesting Halloween hats for their kids or some stupid bullshit that you think is interesting and you may say is interesting but you're not really sure if it's really interesting. You're just fucking sitting there, gestating, fermenting, with a moist hole between your legs that guarantees you'll at least never have to get up and move around and work to support yourself.

And then you see men, over in some corner, having fun. You've never seen this before. What are they even doing? Instead of their consciousnesses merely sitting in their thick skull and revolving around itself, they are imbuing their conscious energy and intentionality into external objects, crafts, goals, projects. All the bitterness and cuntiness you feel nonstop seems to be absent, as they congratulate each other for being victorious, and happily learn from someone who defeated them. These creatures are truly content to be alive. They have found purpose in a purposeless universe.

And your gaze turns back on itself, on your self, and you realise you've never had that. You can never have it. You're just a stupid cunt.

So you get up, you walk over there, and you fucking ruin everything. Just ruin the whole fucking thing. The five seconds of attention you get will be worth destroying it. Because you're a woman.

[Anonymous No.6497870]

>>6497822
Every time I read this pasta I feel like I'm reading it for the first time.

[Anonymous No.6497956]

>>6497870
Hehe well done anon you correctly identified it as copypasta xDxDDDD have some reddit gold xDDDD

[Anonymous No.6497959]

>>6497956
>>>/b/

[Anonymous No.6497962]

>>6497959
>>>/reddit/

[Anonymous No.6497972]

>>6497962
I'm not even the guy you were quoting you dumb fuck.

[Anonymous No.6497982]

>>6497962
>>>/r9k/

[Anonymous No.6497987]

>>6497972
And yet you replied to my post, you dumb fuck.

>>6497982
>>>/hm/

[Anonymous No.6498440]

somebody post the expanding roomie story ,in exchange have some food horror

[Anonymous No.6498666]

>>6490053

Are 21 quarts like 5 wholes 1 quart?

[Anonymous No.6498753]

>>6490066
>gourmet mac and cheese

okay, plebimus maximus

[Anonymous No.6498761]

>>6489659

>made calzones and had a ton of leftover filling
>made enchiladas and had a ton of leftover sauce
>a while later I make enchiladas again, need sauce
>dumped calzone filling all over chicken enchiladas

Lessons learned:

>label everything
>taste everything before you add it to another ingredient
>measure outside of the bowl

I would have figured it out had I done any of these.

[Anonymous No.6498765]

>grilled salmon
>decide to add butter
>flames

[Anonymous No.6498773]

>>6490703
Honestly, what's the fucking difference at this point?

[Anonymous No.6498794]

>>6498761
But calzones don't have sauce in their filling. It's just meat, veggies, and cheese. The sauce is on the side, for dipping. I don't know what the fuck you made, but they weren't calzones. Closer to a pizza turnover, or a hot pocket, I guess.

[Anonymous No.6498798]

>>6498794
He never said his calzones had sauce, just filling. He then dumped said filling all over his enchiladas.

[Anonymous No.6498801]

>>6498798
How can one confuse solid fillings with a liquid sauce? The fact that he made the mistake clearly implies that there was a red sauce component to his filling. What reason would he have to label two things if they don't look similar?

[Anonymous No.6498807]

>>6498798
what's your point anon ?

[Anonymous No.6498813]

>>6498801
AUTISM
U
T
I
S
M

[Anonymous No.6498820]

>>6498813
Knowing how to make a dish properly is autism?

Summer's come early this year.

[Anonymous No.6498864]

>>6498820
so did your mom.

[Anonymous No.6498879]

>>6498864
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USvMWm-ZqvQ

[Anonymous No.6498935]

>>6496205

>I also almost burned down a house once as well. Only an exploding can of potato soup saved me that time

Well, out with it then!

[Anonymous No.6498953]

I used to have these plastic measuring spoons with magnetic handles so you can clip them all together when you store them.
Once, my teaspoon stuck to the bottom of my pan when I was baking bread.
The smell was awful.
It's been years since I've replaced that measuring set but I still double check my pans every time I bake.

[Anonymous No.6498961]

>>6494643
Thats sourcream and tuned to an exact portion per trigger press.

[Anonymous No.6499035]

>>6494643
McDonald's uses those as well.

[Anonymous No.6499305]

>>6490994
>throw
>while his hand was on it

[Anonymous No.6499325]

>>6491074

>dried lime

you mean lime leafs? if not that is probably it, cooking lime or lemon skin will turn it incredibly bitter. always go easy on those, even if it's leafs, like you use in thai cuisine for example. they use one or two leafs fora soup serving four to five people.

[Anonymous No.6499342]

>>6489874
What part of that screams "merica huhuhuhu!" literally none of it. faggots like you parroting that may may thinking its funny should be slapped in public.

[Anonymous No.6499392]

>>6499342

pairing biscuits with gravy i would guess

[Anonymous No.6499403]

>>6495483
I literally

L I T E R A L L Y

could not care less

[Anonymous No.6499612]

>>6498773
everything you fucking yurocuck

[Anonymous No.6499989]

>>6498440

[Anonymous No.6500066]

>just finished cooking some enchiladas in a pyrex casserole dish
>take it out of the oven
>och, these'll be devil hot... better let them chill off for a bit
>put the dish on the stove top
>go to me room to watch some porno and maybe waggle my willy a bit
>smell an odd pong
>hear a weird noise
>CRACK-BOOOOOOM
>what the hell was that?
>go back to the kitchen
>tempered glass and enchilada everywhere
>check the stove
>mfw i'd left a burner on for some reason and put the dish on it

That was 3 years ago when I was a sweaty wee ned with a mullet haircut, and even today I'm still finding little bits of glass in the little rookeries and nooks and crannies of the kitchen

[Anonymous No.6500084]

>>6500066
>go to me room to watch some porno and maybe waggle my willy a bit

[Anonymous No.6500086]

>>6500066
Good job.

[Anonymous No.6501983]

>making hot tea
>don't have a kettle
>put a saucepan of water on to boil
>go back to studying
>dad goes in kitchen
>pan has boiled dry
>dad grabs handle to take pot off the heat
>burns his hand
>he throws it on the counter and melts some of the countertop
>screams at me for an hour

Also

>decide to cook myself a pork chop
>going to cook pork chop in some caramelized onions
>I've melted butter in a pan a million times but for some reason decided to let the pan heat up before I throw the little pat in there
>instantly sets butter on fire
>take it off the heat, fire dies, wonder why the fuck I just did it like that
>rinse out pan and use a new burner to start from scratch

I've also fucked up various sauces I made while bored (including trying to make ranch dressing and putting vinegar in milk to substitute for no buttermilk)

[Anonymous No.6502152]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0MbSDzVLrA

[Anonymous No.6502216]

>>6495989
can i get a tldr or a cap of that story?
sounds very interesting

[Anonymous No.6502233]

>>6499989
man what every happened to roommate threads?
they used to be around more frequently than now. i havent seen one in months

[Anonymous No.6502323]

>>6500066
>rookeries

You keep birds?

[Anonymous No.6502807]

>>6501983
>and even today I'm still finding little bits of glass in the little rookeries and nooks and crannies of the kitchen

That's the bullshit about things that can shatter. At first you think "Oh look it's just large pieces, I'll pick them up and throw them in the trash" but then you'll notice those little pieces and think "Okay that needs the vacuum" and then, weeks later, you walk around barefoot and wonder why there's a fucking bloodtrail. It's a metaphor for breakups.

[Anonymous No.6502815]

>>6502323
from the rest of the post, I'm guessing he's British. they have all kinds of silly words for everyday things.

[Anonymous No.6502816]

>>6500066
I've done that.

[Anonymous No.6502932]

>>6502233
i saw one a couple of weeks ago...

[Anonymous No.6502937]

>>6502932
really?
hm i need to come here more often then

[Anonymous No.6502939]

>>6502937
Yep, lurk more. They tend to pop up every week or two.

[Anonymous No.6503810]

>>6500066

[Anonymous No.6506102]

>>6496461
You should clean underneath your thumbnail, what are you some kind of filthy savage?

[Anonymous No.6506115]

Here's one some folk might find funny.
The first time I made a turkey for Thanksgiving I intially forgot to remove the bag of giblets, luckily when I was rereading the recipe's directions after about a 1/2 hour I pulled them out fast. They were inside the turkey, luckily since it only about a 1/2 hour in, it wasn't even warm on the inside yet.

That would have been a total disaster if I hadn't reread the directions. In the end that turkey came out great if I do say so myself.
I surprise myself sometimes.

[Anonymous No.6506576]

someone in my house left the gas oven on, but the gas wasn't lit, it was just leaking gas for 4 hours until i came out of my room at 12 and was flooded with gas

my dog probably would have been dead if i didn't turn it off in time

[Anonymous No.6506582]

>>6490292
you ever stove cooked burgers?
same thing, just with steak

[Anonymous No.6506589]

>>6494552
Spray them with Clorox, instant kill AND it covers up their little scent trail

[Anonymous No.6506602]

>>6495483
Nigga you retarded. I've drank water directly from a mountain spring. Like gotten on my hands and knees and cupped it into my hands out of the stream. It's the best water I've ever tasted and it was nothing like bottled water. Fuck your tap water and fuck bottled water too.

[Anonymous No.6506613]

>>6491409
/fa/ af

[Anonymous No.6506685]

~~Tr!Gger WaRniNg for vomit~~

>Empty protein tub by the trash can, waiting for recycling day
>Whole house gets norovirus
>Single handedly manage to break the toilet with vomit while blinded by fever
>Sleep for 18 hours
>Wake up to find protein tub is full of roommate vomit
>Hardly any of his food digested
>He had tried to cook while sick and it's eggs Jim it's all eggs
>Dried and burnt egg all over the stove
>Eggshells everywhere
>He somehow managed to make it to the store and bought pizza rolls
>While sick with norovirus
>Pizza roll bag has a burnt edge
>An entire pizza roll floats in the eggy sea
>We got ants

[Anonymous No.6506694]

>>6506102
My fingernails are fine based on the fact that I'm not a limpwristed Fag. You?

[Anonymous No.6506698]

>>6506694
This is the truck that got traded for the kid in case anyone is wondering

[Anonymous No.6506756]

>>6506685

The fuck is a protein tub?

[Anonymous No.6506764]

>>6506756
yankee name for munchy box m8

[Anonymous No.6506767]

Woman I worked with about 8 years ago:

>trying to make nacho bowls
>uses a bowl instead of a ladle
>bowl flips over and 400 degree oil all over her hand

>mfw

[Anonymous No.6507205]

>>6506764
Naw, we call them garbage plates

[Anonymous No.6507214]

>>6506698
That's not a truck, americlap

[Anonymous No.6507234]

>>6507205
don't you dare compare garbage plates to shitty munchie boxes you fuck.

i'll beat your ass with kodak film and send your momma a copy of it on a xerox print before heading to the lilac festival.

[Anonymous No.6507732]

>>6502216
man lives with two single women and theri respective kids. One of them is pure trailer trash, neglects her kid, and possibly sold another kid for a pick up in the past.

[Anonymous No.6507795]

>>6506756
tub that protein powder comes in