/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.4698501]

Food plebs and kitchen fuckups stories ?

>Be 12
>Making instant ramen in the microwave because young and stupid.
>Bro calls me to watch this sick video
>Come back, close the door of the microwave and press start
>2 minutes later smells like burning
>Mfw i burned instant ramen in the microwave

Second story
>Mom constantly replaces ingredients for others in recipes.
>"It'll taste the same"
>"X is good and Y is also good so it's okay if I replace Z by X"
>Makes cake
>Recipe looks good, comments are great
>Cake is unedible rock hard piece of shit
>"Well the recipe was too rich, I replace the butter by margarine and cut the amount"
>U wot m8
>Makes god knows what
>Replaces so much key ingredients it turns out to be some kind of grey meat with onions in it.
>Bro and me can't eat it and we are far from picky
>Dad can't eat even if he smokes and covers his meal with ketchup
>Mom is mad
>She tries it
>Spit it out

Follow the damn recipe and improve once you know what you're doing.

[Anonymous No.4698521]

Altering the recipe is probably one of the biggest newbie mistakes. So often you see posts like

"X recipe sucks! I did everything the book said, except I subsituted this and that for that and this and it came out awful!"

If you don't know what you're doing, follow the fucking recipe.

[Anonymous No.4698526]

I usually don't know what I'm doing when I try new recipes, so I modify them. All it takes is not being completely ignorant of ingredients or their purpose.

[Anonymous No.4698560]

i'm sure i've fucked up worse than this, but what sticks out most recently is the first time i tried to make macarons, they just turned into soggy pockmarked misshapen discs of almondy goo. i put them in a bowl and they all stuck together in one mass. i did absolutely everything wrong.

similar thing happened when i tried to make kouign amann, the sugar dissolved into a syrup and tour apart the structure of the laminated dough which rose a bunch in the fridge, then i baked it in a loaf pan and it just sort of turned into dry brioche swimming in yeasty butter

there were a bunch of times i tried to make pureed soups without any form of blender so i tried to mash the vegetables with a fork, which was retarded as fuck, this was before i had even heard of passing things through sieves

and there have been many ice creams with an exceptional quantity of giant ice crystals

[Anonymous No.4698587]

Anything rednecks/trailer "people" eat. Whenever anyone talks about "soul food" or "Southern cooking" this is what they are most likely talking about:

>Spam
>Ketchup
>Light "Beer"
>Shitty dollar store cube streaks
>Kraft Easy Mac
>Frozen Pizza
>KFC
>McDonald's
>Sugary carbonated drinks, especially Mountain Dew
>Corn syrup by the bucket load

I remember going to dinner with the family of this girl I was dating from the south and she told me it would be a "Home-cooked country dinner". It was seriously dollar store pink slime hotdogs, Kraft Easy Mac, Doritos and we washed it all down with hyper-sweet sweet tea.

'Murka

[Anonymous No.4698592]

>>4698587
>Whenever anyone talks about "soul food" or "Southern cooking" this is what they are most likely talking about:
No. No, it isn't.

[Anonymous No.4698597]

>>4698587
eloel

you mean biskits and gravy, roast chicken, smashed potatoes and sweetcorn

[Anonymous No.4698600]

I've got little story about peasants

>Invited to gf's parent's house for Christmas dinner.
>"Anon we're gonna make raclette and there will be shrimps and scallops.
>Should be good, can't go wrong with raclette
>"Anon are you excited for next week ?"
>"Anon we hope that you love seafood, we've got nice scallops and shrimps for christmas dinner"
>Dinner hyped like the second coming of the Christ
>Get there, excited to eat all this glorious food
>Gf's parents offer wine
>Seems good
>They get some tiny bistro style wine glasses
>Have 3 glasses to equate 1 normal glass
>Her parents don't follow and don't want to seem like a drunk
>Still excited about the food coming
>Pork in mexican sauce that that won't be really good with the cheese
>Teriyaki beef that obviously isn't great with the cheese
>Well that will be good on the grill part.
>Thinking the seafood will be amazing with that cheese
>He mom brings the plate of seafood
>Penny sized scallops and tiny shrimps
>Scallops so small they cook before the cheese melts
>Shrimps taste like frozen
>Well, I guess I'll eat grilled pork and beef
>Too salty, it's VH sauce
>Cover up my disapointment
>Her mom says she has desert
>Store bought christmas log
>Well, we can't be all chefs I guess.

>Get to the gift opening
>Everything is done in 30 minutes maybe less
>In the bed at 11pm
>Painfully drunk
>Had to have gentle, discret sex because gf and I can't sleep in the same bed at her parent's even if we're 22.

>Mfw my dad and I busted our ass to make a glorious 4 course menu on christmas eve
>Mfw my dad bought great wines and my family brought nice port and iced apple cider
>Mfw her parents go to sleep at 11pm and my 92 years old grand mother celebrates with us until 4am.
>Mfw I have no face

[Anonymous No.4698610]

>>4698600
>Had to have gentle, discret sex because gf and I can't sleep in the same bed at her parent's even if we're 22

That's the only thing they did right.
Stop being so trashy.

[Anonymous No.4698635]

>be drunken drug addled college student
>eat lots of Popeye's
>love that Popeye's
>not yet a cooker
>but get the idea to make homemade fried chicken
>go to store and get the biggest drumsticks I can find
>love those drumsticks
>get me some flour, seasonings, eggs, etc
>peanut oil, chick fil A uses that, gotta get some peanut oil
>get home, make batter and coat the legs
>heat up oil on stove
>I did know peanut oil has a high smoke point, so crank stove up to 10 setting
>drop my legs in the oil
>pretty violent reaction, but it's good
>five mins later, they look done
>perfectly golden crispy crust, looks delicious
>so proud, so good smelling
>call roomates out, gonna share
>start eating
>chicken is straight up raw, very raw
>get harassed by roomies
>wait guys, just need to cook it longer
>put them back in oil, turn down heat a little
>five minutes later the chicken is black
>nigger black
>they've given up and leave
>I try it, it's still raw
>throw away chicken, dump hot oil over my balcony on the hedges
>drive to Popeye's.

[Anonymous No.4698639]

>>4698587
You're a fuckin yank, aren't you?

[Anonymous No.4698644]

>>4698610
That's what you take from that story?

God damn it, I fucking hate when you people remind me I'm on 4chan.

[Anonymous No.4698650]

>>4698644
don't live in sin anon

also, do you want your kids jizzing and getting cunt juice all over your furniture?

[Anonymous No.4698652]

>>4698639
Seems like somebody forgot to read the " 'Murka " at the bottom of that post.

[Anonymous No.4698655]

>>4698650
I happen to like the smell of fish, thank you.

[Anonymous No.4698667]

>>4698587
My room mate does this all the time. Buys the cheapest, mystery luncheon meat from the store, eats corn dogs on a regular basis, buys a million of those microwavable pot pies, and only buys minute-made food. Often I hear the hiss of a 2 liter soda bottles waking me up at some god forsaken hour in the morning as he chugs it like water. I always wonder how he has not died yet or become incredibly obese. I suspect he will most likely become a diabetic later in life. He's from the south too but he's probably just a retard.

[Anonymous No.4698704]

>>4698600
there's one holiday not even the prettiest of women can get me to skip a family meal on and that's fucking christmas eve/christmas

7 different fishes, dat antipasto and ribeyes the next day.

never.

ever.

ever.

[Ghostie No.4698710]

Oh this story, I'm still ridiculed for it. This was from about three years ago.

>16 at the time
>Love soup. Fucking love it.
>Made crab bisque & lobster bisque
>Why not shrimp bisque?
>Need to leave the room so I turn the heat on low
>Start playing video games
>Completely forget about soup
>An hour passes
>Smell something odd
>THESOUPOHSHIT
>Run downstairs to find soup burned
>I fucking burnt soup
>I burnt a liquid
>Soup boiled, stuck to side of pot, fuck
>Try it
>Doesn't take horrible
>Eat it and feed it to family with no consequences
>Well okay then

Since then I've learned from my idiocy and know not to leave my damn soup.

[Anonymous No.4698718]

my pizza rolls always leak

[Anonymous No.4698750]

>>4698652
i think he mean yank as in damn yankee northerner as i love to do when im in new england.

>>4698587
just no.

[Anonymous No.4698772]

>be few years back
>didn't even know how to boil water
>parents at a casino for the weekend
>I'm alone
>not gonna just sit around eating cookies and shit, so I try to make blue box
>realize I cannot even into water boil
>come up with a plan
>ten minutes later I have dragged the family computer (we had one for everyone to use and I had a personal one) that was in the living room to the kitchen with extension cables
>turn my webcam on
>had to have two friends webcam chat with me on how to boil water and make bluebox correctly

I still burned it slightly.

[Anonymous No.4698793]

>>4698587
you're an idiot

[Anonymous No.4698970]

>recovering from eye surgery, have to keep eyes covered
>friend who was helping me do stuff left for the night
>get hungry, think i can make spaghetti with ragu, even blind
>make spaghetti just fine, no mishaps
>time for the sauce, get a jar from the pantry
>put it on spaghetti
>it was salsa
i ate it anyway ):

[Anonymous No.4698975]

>>4698501

>Making instant ramen in the microwave because young and stupid.

what? It's the only way I ever do it. Stove takes too long.

[Anonymous No.4698977]

>>4698600
Another one at the peasant's
>Go to see gf at her parent's
>It her mom's birthday
>Be invited for dinner to the restaurant for her mom's birthday
>We went to Score's for her mom's birthday
>Score's
>For a birthday

Also
>Still at gf's parents
>Try to cook something
>The only kitchen knife they have makes a prison shank look like a Shun
>Shitty "steak" knife they must have bought in 1982
>Crying like a bitch because I'm pressing through onions instead of cutting them
>Spices smell like sand

>Her mom wants to make her "famous" potatoes
>Boiled potatoes finished in the oven with onions, no salt, no herbs, nothing but boiled sliced potatoes and slices of onions
>Felt like I was in Vladivostok during the cold war
>Had to restrain myself from putting on a tracksuit and eating while squatting

>"I don't like mustard, it's too hot" - Her dad
>"When I went in France they put some of their spicy sausage in a baguette. The guy asked me if I wanted mustard with it so I said yes. He put some dijon mustard on it. It was strong i can tell you that"

[Anonymous No.4698982]

every time

[Anonymous No.4699004]

>>4698977
>>Felt like I was in Vladivostok during the cold war
lol'd

[Anonymous No.4699025]

>>4698710
A housemate of mine once boiled through a whole batch of stock they were making because they forgot about it for so long. By the time he noticed it was pretty much just burning through bones.

[Anonymous No.4699039]

Used to make "Fruit Soup" when I was a kid. I'd throw a banana and an apple in some leftover chicken broth and put it in the microwave. I don't know why my parents let me do this.

I put an onion in it once because I had little other options.

[Anonymous No.4699045]

>>4698587
I laughed but only because you're just too ignorant for society.

[Anonymous No.4699055]

>>4698650
>calls people peasants
>doesn't want to be reminded he's on 4chan
>my green text

[Anonymous No.4699060]

>>4698977
Jesus christ... their daughter could not have turned out well.

[Anonymous No.4699077]

>>4698704
Doesn't sound like my kind of Christmas, but that sounds pretty fly, anon.

[Anonymous No.4699189]

>>4699039
lol, children are stupid. I used to put pickle juice and rice in a bowl and eat it. It was awful, what the hell was I thinking.

[Anonymous No.4699254]

>>4698501
How the fuck did you managed to burn ramen in 2 minutes

[Anonymous No.4699309]

My girlfriend grew up kind of...sheltered. As in, not knowing how to properly do dishes. This has led to interesting mishaps:

>Girlfriend is visiting
>Girlfriend wants lamb for dinner
>Okay.jpg
>Make some patties with lamb and spices, roast some veggies on the side, plate it up
>Leave the room for some reason
>Come back
>Pan is gone from the stove
>Pan is in the sink
>So is all that lamb grease
>"Oh, I just thought I'd dump out the pan for you."
>Sink is a greasy mess
>Pan is a greasy mess
>Casualties: a quarter-roll of paper towels and a sponge

And ever since, I don't let her clean anything. Looks chivalrous AND controls damage.

[Anonymous No.4699310]

>>4698772
What the fuck is wrong with people like you? I assume you have had a modern kitchen your entire life. How the hell do you not know how to take out a clean pot, fill with water from the tap, and put directly over burner and turn on?

[Anonymous No.4699315]

>>4699310
Parents probably did everything for him, obviously since he did this while they were away. He was probably thinking
>how much water
>how big of a pot
>what setting do i put the burner on?
>do i put a lid on?
It's pretty hard to RUIN something like that, but you have to kind of know what you're doing a little bit to get it perfect.

[Anonymous No.4699322]

>>4699310
He is literally a basement dweller whos mommy does everything for him

[Anonymous No.4699330]

>>I did know peanut oil has a high smoke point, so crank stove up to 10 setting

/ck/ in a nutshell

[Anonymous No.4699386]

I made two custard pies with salt instead of sugar. I was 14. They weren't good.

[Anonymous No.4699401]

>be like 10
>my favorite comfort food is mac and cheese with hot dog slices, but whenever we have one we don't have the other
>one day really sad, home alone (latchkey kid)
>hotdogs but no mac & cheese
>we have ramen and a block of cheddar
>I'll make the ramen noodles without the seasoning, grate the cheddar and add it, and it'll be just the same right!?

>wrong
>i felt so bad wasting so much....

[Anonymous No.4699411]

My dad tries stupid shit all the time because he's lazy.

He put Twang beer salt in country gravy because he thought it would be like normal salt.

When he makes any sort of dessert, he just mixes everything in a bowl all at once. Many a custard pie hasn't worked out for him.

These incidents stand out but it happens all the time.

[Anonymous No.4699422]

>>4698587
>associating soul food with rednecks
Before even finishing the rest of the post, it was clear you have no idea of what you are talking about.

3/10 for all the replies doe

[Anonymous No.4699424]

>>4699401
I don't understand. Why wouldn't this work? I've tried similar things and have had it not self destruct on me? ....did you not drain it?

[Anonymous No.4699443]

>>4699424
.....It was maruchan ramen noodles mixed with cold grated cheddar cheese and hot dog slices. It was disgusting.
Also I was a greedy depressive fuck so I made like a huge pot's worth.

[Anonymous No.4699489]

>>4698501
this pic speaks louder than my words ever could.

toast I tried to make once

[Anonymous No.4699564]

>>4699489
...how?

[Anonymous No.4699575]

Well, mine:

>first time alone in house
>10 years old with mate
>decide to make dinner for the family
>can't be bothered to look up any recipes
>get dry stale bread out of back of cupboard
>pour canned tomato passata on top
>add dried oregano
>tell family we made bruschetta
>tomato seeps through the bread
>makes disgusting orange damp bread
>decide to make pudding
>stir up icing sugar with cocoa powder and milk
>pour on a plate and leave in the fridge.
>assume it will set into "sweets"
>tfw when it doesn't
>encourage family to scrape it off plate with knives.
>disgusting meal
>family disappointed.

I don't think I was a born cook as a child.

[Anonymous No.4699577]

>>4699386
This guy.

[Anonymous No.4699582]

>>4698587

Shut the fuck up. I'm English and I know soul food better than you.

[Anonymous No.4699584]

>>4698501
replacing butter with margarine is a fine move, some baked goods are even better with margarine. I don't think it's necessarily healthier than butter though

[Anonymous No.4699590]

>>4699489
How do you even manage to do that?

[Anonymous No.4699664]

>>4699254
this
I'm curious
I cook it in the zapper all the time and 2 minutes is minimum, sometimes 2:30

[Anonymous No.4699710]

>>4698970
I'm quite impressed that you managed to make spaghetti while blind. I don't think I would've attempted it. Good job, man.

[Anonymous No.4699716]

>do a tortilla-crusted tilapia
>salt fish
>forget that tortilla chip are usually salty as fuck
>forget that girlfriend bought salted butter because she hates me
>neglect to taste before coating fish
>resulting dish is comparable to a salt-lick for deer

Pretty much the only meal I've legitimately fucked up in 15+ years of cooking.

[Anonymous No.4699720]

>>4698667
>Roomies eat kebabs, microwave burgers, curries with chip etc. General run of the mill plebs
>Fry chicken breast with olive oil, dice garlic and a SPLASH of dry white wine
>LOL you're an alcoholic, that's really unhealthy.
>Make a fantastic, cheap pork shoulder curry, coconut milk etc,
> "Can I try some?"
> This doesn't taste like real curry

THE END

[Anonymous No.4699729]

>be 24
>be cooking fancy dinner for date I want to impress
>use American Waygu beef instead of Japanese Kobe beef
>use ordinary table salt instead of Himalayan pink salt
>toast pine nuts only to shade 35 instead of shade 37
>make vodka cranberries using Grey Goose instead of Ketel One
>date is obviously unimpressed
>never hear from her again

[Anonymous No.4699735]

>>4699729
would kek again/10

Polite sage.

[Anonymous No.4699739]

>roommate moves in with me
>known him since I was a kid but it's his first time out of the house
>I'm really busy so he goes on his first grocery shopping trip alone
>comes back telling me how the store had a great deal on mac n cheese
>"cool, where's your butter and milk?"
>he gives me a blank stare
>I realize his mom has made his stovetop mac n cheese for him for 20 years
>he did not buy milk and butter
>laugh

He got better but never really learned to cook very well. Spent way too much on food he ate while standing in the kitchen immediately after finishing it.

[Anonymous No.4699749]

>>4699489
i lolled

[Anonymous No.4699754]

>>4699720
HOLY FUCK THIS FEEL

>Roommate eats shite food
>Today he had skips, babybell, and strawberries for breakfast. Last night he had skips, babybell and papa johns potato wedges.
> Make profiteroles filled with Chantilly cream and freshly made strawberry coulis.
> "These are not real profiteroles, they taste bad."
> Eat blue cheese often
> "All that moldy cheese will make you fat anon, you have such a bad diet."

Fuck him so much. Anyway, time for my fuck up.

>16, work as a KP in a small jazz restaraunt. It has a small crew, only 4 people and me.
> Been there a couple of months
> Head chef comes over "Hey anon, Scott isnt here today so can you make some muffins to go with coffees and stuff? Heres the recipie, just follow it."
> I always watch this guy make his muffins so i'm sure ill do it well.
>Put in salt instead of sugar, a real schoolboy mistake
> Schoolboy becomes my nickname.

I fucking miss that place. I was there for 4 years, rose up the ranks from pot wash to doing veg section, worked the fryers, on the line and then on the passe.

Its true what people say, a good head chef can really inspire you to do as well as you can.

[Anonymous No.4699756]

Here is my story, I was about 13, stayed at my grandmothers for the summer.

>Grandma at work, me and gramps chillin, watching TV
>want to make fresh fries
>get pot, put oil on stove, set to 6/10 heat
>go back into living room, had laptop, continue running my dungeon (WoW)
>completely forget about the oil heating up
>a good bit of time later, hear a loud POP noise, throw laptop off of me and run into kitchen
>Flame about 7 foot high is rolling off of the pot, smoke almost up to my head (they had a 15 or so foot high ceiling that was angles, at the side of the house)
>yell "FIRE" as really loudly
>hear grandpa just laughing (he likes to play alot of dumb jokes)
>yell "No I'm serious, FIRE"
>Hear him go "OH SHIT"
>He bolts into the kitchen, grabs the pot by the handle, with the flame still roaring, runs to the front door, and chucks it out into the front lawn
>Freaking out, think im going to get my ass thoroughly handed to me
>he just says "its ok accidents happen, just stay calm.. Im just worried about what your grandmother will do"
>every window in the house is open, all the doors, air freshener, fans, you name it
>grandma gets home 10 minutes later
>opens the door
>get on the floor
>do the dinosaur
>no jk
>walks into kitchen, looks at the black cabinets, the melted microwave door, and the black cobwebs from the smoke on the high ceiling
>standing in kitchen, tell her what happened, say im really really sorry
>without skipping a beat she looks at me and goes
>"Thats ok, you should have let it burn some more, I wanted a new kitchen anyways"
>mfw

[Anonymous No.4699757]

>>4699756
french fries*

[Anonymous No.4699763]

>>4699756
>Not throwing a damp towel over the pot
>Running around with a pot of flaming oil

[Anonymous No.4699768]

>>4698526
>All it takes is not being completely ignorant of ingredients or their purpose.

This.
You can easily change some of the ingredients if you just use some common sense.
Let's say you're baking a pie and the recipy calls for cherries.
If you use apricots instead you will end up with something quite different but it will more than likely turn out great.
Then there are the chucklefucks who substitute the flour with oats and the butter with yoghurt...

[Anonymous No.4699774]

>>4699763
I'm remembering now, he smothered the flame with another pot, then threw the burned oil pot outside

[Anonymous No.4699784]

>>4699489
It took me a while, but I think I get how that happened. Pretty funny.

[Anonymous No.4699786]

>be 14
>have home economics class
>get grouped up with the awkward, nerdy kids because fuck you teacher
>they just fuck around, not taking anything seriously
>we don't need measurements
>my hands are clean already
>whoops, i took salt instead of sugar
>they use butter like it's big mama's house
>told i'd get an E becuase my group was so terrible
>ask them to not be dipshits, but they just ignore it because when you group those kinds of people they just get confidence out of nowhere
>finally just tell them to piss off and set the table for the rest of the year and do everything myself
>get E because i wasn't cooperating
>mfw

I still don't know how I could've unfucked myself there.

[Anonymous No.4699787]

not me but
>some retard in high school
>instant noodle cup
>he literally thinks it's instant, all you have to do is microwave
>starts burning and tin foil covering top starts sparking and the thing ends up on fire

[Anonymous No.4699788]

>>4699768
>Then there are the chucklefucks who substitute the flour with oats and the butter with yoghurt...
/fit/, not even once

[Anonymous No.4699800]

>home alone with older brother when we were around 8-11 years old
>fucking love danish pastry, would get in for breakfast on weekends sometimes
>we can make this ourselves, no problem (we made pancakes a billion times, can't be that different)
>get ye olde recipe book, look for pastry recipe
>proceed to do like we would with pancakes, mix everything in a bowl
>alright, big lump of dough
>it'll probably turn delicious once we bake it
>smack in oven
>big yeasty lump of dough rises to monstrous proportions
>this isn't delicious at all

[Anonymous No.4699803]

>place old toasted sandwich in microwave
>auto reheat
>seem legit
>1 minute later
>smoke fills house
>sandwich is burnt into the plate
Well, it certainly reheated it.

[Anonymous No.4699804]

>>4699803
anon that might be an actual nuclear reactor you put your sandwich in if it filled the house with smoke after 60 seconds

[Anonymous No.4699805]

>>4699804
Nah, it works well on any other setting. I guess the auto-reheat button was just intended to warm the earth up again if another ice age occurred.
Based LG being prepared

[Anonymous No.4699807]

>>4699805
lol

[Anonymous No.4699811]

>>4699060
She's not 100% pleb like her parents thanks to her friends and the internet that gave her a second opinion on the world.

I have plenty of other non-/ck/ related exemples and stories from them.

[Anonymous No.4699816]

>>4698977
>Had to restrain myself from putting on a tracksuit and eating while squatting

My. Fucking. Sides.

[Anonymous No.4699825]

>>4698600
Sounds like my sister in law's parents. Between the 4 of them they'll share a baked potato

[Anonymous No.4699838]

>>4698600
I too have a little tale to tell about christmas with family.

>Be invited to christmas dinner by aunt
>Living room was colder than a witches tit
>Dinner consists of a single store brand pizza shared between te five of us
>Dessert is a bowl of custard from a carton
>Distant sad violin playing in the background
>Sob story about debt
>The whole thing was an elaborate ruse to beg for dosh
>mfw

[Anonymous No.4699853]

>>4698587
>we washed it all down with hyper-sweet sweet tea

Some guy who said he was from Texas posted a southern tea recipe recently and It called for several cups of sugar in a single pot of tea. It was so much sugar that it probably reached the saturation point. His posts included some silly jingoism that seemed oddly out of place in the context of the thread so I thought he was trolling. Now I'm not so sure.

[Anonymous No.4699859]

>>4699853
I really like the idea of serving unsweet tea with a bottle of simple syrup. That way everyone can be happy.

[Anonymous No.4699860]

>just finished final exams for school
>go round mates house to play vidya, get drunk and do dumb shit
>decide "let's make a big-ass omelette for lunch!"
>add all kinds of dumb shit to omelette- bacon, cheese, meatballs, ham, onions, herbs...
>fill up frying pan to the brim
>wonder why omelette is raw in middle and burnt on outside
>beat up omelette for being a little bitch, make meaty as hell scrambled eggs

to this day I can't tell if that was a success or a failure. It tasted alright, but it was still a half-burnt omelette that we mangled for being defective.

[Anonymous No.4699863]

>>4699811
i'm ok with this

[Anonymous No.4699865]

>>4698772
you are what's wrong with the youth today.

[Anonymous No.4699867]

>>4699309
why not just teach her?

[Anonymous No.4699870]

>>4699860
You turned shit into a shit pie, nothing wrong with that.

[Anonymous No.4699871]

>>4699254
He probably put in dry without even opening the wrapper. That's the only thing I can think of.

[Anonymous No.4699879]

>>4699838

Every couple of years, my aunt would pull this shit on our family. We took it year about to visit, and my mum has always been an avid cook. The two of us would usually make a full traditional xmas dinner, all the trimmings, as well as extra cake, tray-bakes etc for the evening, and would bake a nice couple of loaves for sandwiches if anyone got hungry later on.

My aunt would usually get a tiny-ass chicken, the pre-cooked kind from the supermarket. She'd always say she was trying out a new recipe... but it was always the same. She served it in the fucking plastic tray it came on, for fuck sake.
She'd boil the shit out of carrots and sprouts, until they were falling apart, then add a copious amount of butter and white granulated sugar.
Also, burnt ovenchips.

Over dinner, we'd hear how shit the year had been for her and my cousins. She spent all their money on designer clothes for one of my cousins, and what little was left her and her husband drank. She's morbidly obese, and can eat a whole large chocolate slab (like, the 500g ones) in one sitting, and has done so every day for as long as I can remember. So, on xmas we didn't get dessert, but we could watch her eat her fucking chocolate.

Then, when my granny would fall asleep, as she is prone to do, my aunt would wail about how granny had ruined her xmas again by falling asleep.

I pity my mum, since it's her my aunt has a thing against. My dad doesn't seem aware of my aunt's crazy levels of hatred for mum and us kids.

[Anonymous No.4699880]

>>4699489
I was staring at it in confusion for 6 seconds before my sides erupted.

[Anonymous No.4699882]

>>4699489
Guys, I'm still lost. What the fuck happened there?

[Anonymous No.4699883]

>>4699882
>>4699489

I don't . . I don't get it

[Anonymous No.4699886]

>>4699871
...Wouldn't that, I don't know, draw sparks? Since the wrapper's made of foil?

[Anonymous No.4699889]

>>4699879
>no greentext
still 7/10 raged quietly

captcha: rallyyp composed

[Anonymous No.4699896]

>>4699886
Op here. I just put it without water in the microwave. The top of the noodles turned black and the bottom of the pot too.

[Anonymous No.4699906]

>>4699786
Group assignments with dipshits were the worst.

>Have a quiet word with teacher
>Tell him/her the class skipping deadbeats I'm grouped with aren't taking things seriously
>Tell him I've tried inspiring them, asking nicely and getting mad but nothing works
>Ask what the consquences will be if I finish the whole 5 man project on my own
>Teacher says I will end up with a low grade if we can't show everyone had an equal share in the work
>rock-hardplace.jpg
>Tells me to deal with it

[Anonymous No.4699932]

>>4699879
>She'd boil the shit out of carrots and sprouts, until they were falling apart, then add a copious amount of butter and white granulated sugar.

Serving that to PoW's would be considered a war crime.

[Anonymous No.4699935]

>>4699309
are you lesbian?

I know your pain though, my wife knows absolutely nothing about cooking. At all

[Anonymous No.4699939]

>>4699315
>mfw it literally says all that on the box

[Anonymous No.4699941]

>>4699720
>roommates

[Anonymous No.4699943]

>>4699882
>>4699883

The slice of bread was placed horizontaly on top of the toaster instead of inside one of the slots.

[Anonymous No.4699946]

>>4699943
Now why would you go and ruin the fun
The realization of what happened is more fun than the knowledge

[Anonymous No.4699949]

>>4699786
What is an E?

Pleb school or something?

[Anonymous No.4699961]

>>4698587
There is so much wrong with this post I don't know where to begin.

[Anonymous No.4699967]

>>4699946
The unresolved mystery could have haunted him forever!
Yeah you're right though. I'll delete it.

[Anonymous No.4699964]

>>4699879
stop going

no really.
she's doing that shit on purpose, cut the cunt off

[Anonymous No.4699971]

>>4699949
You aren't familiar with the Murcan grade system?

[Anonymous No.4699973]

>>4699906
>mom
>teacher is being a cunt

>suddenly clouds cast a deathly gray pallor over the world
>thunder and lightning brutally rape the earth with electrococks
>the electrococks blow the front half of the school to pieces
>your mother strides into the principals office
>a secretary bravely tries to intercept her, but is vaporized
>electrococks penetrate principal in all orifices as your mother melts his brain with harpy shrieks

>you get an A in the class

[Anonymous No.4699979]

>>4699973
my mother was this lady : D

[Anonymous No.4699983]

>>4699971
there is no E in america
A, B, C, D
Failure
Dropped
No Credit
Pass
No Pass
Satisfactory
Unsatisfactory
Withdraw

[Anonymous No.4699984]

>>4699932

I had to eat it and pretend to enjoy it. She's a fucking piece of work, that woman.

>be 11, bored so decide to make my favourite soup
>leek and potato, fuck yeah
>aunt visits unexpectedly
>"what are you making, anon?"
>soup
>"what vegetable is that one?"
>"a leek, it tastes a bit like onion"
>"oh, I learnt a new vegetable, yay!"
>she stays and we have to offer her dinner
>I'm pleased - my soup is just like mum's (excellent, that is)
>aunt can't stand the look of it chunky, so I blend her some up smooth
>touches spoon to her lips, and starts gagging
>retching all over the show, we all freak out
>calms down, gets up and goes into our other kitchen (it was kinda split into 2)
>comes back with sugarlumps and puts 5 in the bowl, mixes it in
>apparently it is now acceptable to eat

She'd also bitch if we weren't well stocked with sugar cubes, despite us all hating sugary tea or coffee. I used to just feed them to the horses up the road to piss my aunt off.

[Anonymous No.4699985]

>>4699971
Is it like an NG(no grade), where it's so shit it can't even be graded?

[Anonymous No.4699987]

>>4699973
That's not exactly what happened but close.
In my case I got a 10 because yuropoor.

[Anonymous No.4699990]

>>4699987
I forgot EU banned electrococks in 2005

[Anonymous No.4699992]

>>4699984
I am gagging at the thought of sugar in leek soup

[Anonymous No.4699993]

>>4699983
>America
>A
>m
>e <---- AHA!!!
>r
>i
>c
>a

Yes there is you dolt.

[Anonymous No.4699995]

>>4699984
before you said sugar I was expectingthe story to involve salt. I've noticed some people like a briny broth and it really disgusts me.

[Anonymous No.4699996]

>>4699984
Maybe if you stopped stocking sweets in the house the sugar ant would go away.

[Anonymous No.4700001]

>>4699993

[Anonymous No.4700003]

>>4699984
I would have had to ask her to leave...
I'm pretty esaygoing about rude obnoxious people but that is way the fuck over the top

[Anonymous No.4700007]

>>4699964

Well we immigrated half way across the globe, so we're safe now.

She still phones every few day to cry and beg dad to come back, says even if mum doesn't it's ok, divorce isn't that bad.

My poor dad won't admit it, but she's part of the reason we moved.

>tfw bbq for xmas every year now by our pool

[Anonymous No.4700009]

>>4699949
Actually, it was called a G here in Sweden. I thought the general universal system was A-E, so I changed it since no one knows what a G is. In any case, it's the lowest possible grade aside from failing.

[Anonymous No.4700011]

>>4700009
I see

D here in murka
that's pretty fucing retarded

[Anonymous No.4700016]

>>4700003

Irish farming family. To tell your own father's sister to kindly fuck off in front of him is a death sentence. Even though we all loathed her, she's family so we just had to deal with it.

[Anonymous No.4700023]

>>4700016
What county? I'm from cork and we usually give 'that cousin' some processed shit, becasue we know he'll complain about our house's relative lack of the use of salt

[Anonymous No.4700029]

>>4700007
>moving to spiderland

Wow, she must have really been bad

[Anonymous No.4700030]

>>4700016
Italian city family here... we are always telling each other to fuck off and not politely at all : P
I watched my grandmother drag one of my aunts away from the table by her hair for blowing her nose at the table (she had a really bad cold)

[Anonymous No.4700033]

>>4699990
You are correct but the incident happened in 2003.
It was part of a long list of electrocock incidents that led up to the ban.

[Anonymous No.4700036]

>>4700029

Nah, I'm in NZ bro. No poisonous spiders here (well, there is one, but it isn't dangerous).

[Anonymous No.4700039]

>>4700023

>galway

if we knew she had been coming, we might have gotten something in. We usually kept microchips for when her son, my cousin, came to stay. However, she doesn't like those. She normally has 3 microwave weight watchers meals all piled together on a plate.

[Anonymous No.4700061]

>>4700039
>3 microwave weight watchers meals all piled together on a plate
To go with her 500g chocolate bar and diet coke, right?

[Anonymous No.4700066]

>>4698587

>Shitty dollar store cube streaks

Point me to a dollar store that even sells meat.
You are talking out of your ass sonny.

[Anonymous No.4700067]

>>4700066
Murrika

[Anonymous No.4700068]

>>4700061

diet coke gives you cancer of the ovaries, she says. Qualified nurse.

I caught her drinking straight cordial once. At her house, she just drinks wine all the time. At ours, we need to give her anything with copious amounts of sugar - water makes her gag, and any cordial that isn't opaque does too.

[Anonymous No.4700069]

>>4700068
How did she GET like that?

[Anonymous No.4700070]

>>4700068
reading your description of this woman has made my left foot fall off

[Anonymous No.4700078]

>>4700070

no doubt hers will too, in time, once the diabeetus hits.

I mean, she's morbidly obese but doesn't have diabetes yet. It doesn't run in the family, but heart problems do. My uncle, skinny as a rake, is going to wake up beside a corpse some morning. It's scary.

She can't dress herself any more, at 52 years old.

I feel bad for her, but at the same time I've watched her make my mum's life hell for 22 years now, I can't love her like I do my other aunts.

[Anonymous No.4700086]

>>4700039
>galway

Oooh I'm Dutch and I spent a week fishing near Spiddal and Galway last summer. Great food, nice people, lovely area. Would visit again.

[Anonymous No.4700093]

>>4700078
She probably already has diabetes and is unaware of it. Does she get sleepy after meals?

[Anonymous No.4700100]

>>4700039
Fuck, I love Galway, all my family are from there.

[Anonymous No.4700110]

>>4698650
>kids
>22
>think sex is "dirty"

oh boy. upper-middle class sexually repressed christian detected.

[Anonymous No.4700112]

>>4700110
virgin detected

sex is absolutely filthy

[Anonymous No.4700116]

>>4698501
>brother wants to reheat delivery pizza
>puts box in oven on broil
>closes door
>5 minutes later, box on fire
>ignores the fire extinguisher 3 feet away and fans the fire with a hand towel
I pulled out the extinguisher, put it out and called him a dumbass. He's 3 years older than me.

[Anonymous No.4700119]

>>4700112
Haha, okay. I understand that sex is beautiful, healthy, natural, and fun, but I'M the virgin. Enjoy being ashamed of your body because it's "dirty"

[Anonymous No.4700120]

>>4700110
>>4700119
Not that Anon but if I was a father and my daughter brought home a BF, they sure as shit wouldn't be staying in the same room. You might enjoy the thought of your daughter getting her ass pounded down the hallway, but many do not. Fuck off please.

[Anonymous No.4700121]

>>4700119
>ashamed

How did you get ashamed from any of my posts?

You MUST be a virgin, otherwise you would know how messy sex gets.

[Anonymous No.4700123]

>>4700119
Sex is like camping, in that it's fun, disgusting, slightly to moderately dangerous, and leaves you feeling tired but happy.

Or are you going to pretend you actually LIKE that after-sex smell?

[Anonymous No.4700133]

>>4700123
>mfw last night the gf queefed after I cam inside her

[Anonymous No.4700136]

>>4700133
>*came

[Anonymous No.4700139]

>>4700133
That means you got a small dick m8

[Anonymous No.4700146]

>>4700139
It was several minutes after I had pulled out, she was laying in the bed naked, went to get up and queefed loudly.

but 1/10 for making me respond you virgins are getting better at this.

[Anonymous No.4700180]

>>4699489
Please, anon, for the love of FSM please explain how this happened in detail.

[Anonymous No.4700181]

>Oklahoman working in a small steak house
>Everyone concedes that I make the sweet tea best due to my almost nazi-ish quality control
>Alabama man wont stop drinking it, says its "just like my grandmas"
>big ole fat Texan has a glass
>waves me over
>asks me to put more suger in it

I gave him the death glare and gave him a square of sweet n low

> called him a fat faggot as I walked away the Alabama guy choked on his taters laughing

[Anonymous No.4700186]

>>4699768
>Then there are the chucklefucks who substitute the flour with oats and the butter with yoghurt
I'm curious, if you took oats and ran them through a blender to turn them into a powder consistency would that be okay?

[Anonymous No.4700187]

>>4700119
Your description of sex really makes you sound like teacher in sex ed.

[Anonymous No.4700191]

>>4700181
>the Alabama guy choked on his taters laughing

And I almost choked on my water reading that

[Anonymous No.4700197]

>>4700187
He's clearly a virgin and has no idea what a 3-4 hour multiple orgasm session will do to your bedroom.

[Anonymous No.4700198]

>>4700197
>not having a specially made rape dungeon in the spare bedroom

I've already lost my security deposit on this apartment

[Anonymous No.4700199]

>>4700186
OATS ARE NEVER OK! FUCK!

but seriously i don't think oats contain gluten which is the structure of most baked goods

[Anonymous No.4700201]

>>4700198
This...is actually a good idea. I've been trying to think of what to use the downstairs spare room for.

My initial thought was man cave, but rape dungeon has such a nice ring to it.

>Hey baby, want to check out my rape dungeon?

[Anonymous No.4700203]

>>4700191
im annoyed by the fact I forgot my ","

[Anonymous No.4700207]

>>4700199
Yeah, oats lack gluten.

[Anonymous No.4700209]

>>4699720
>LOL you're an alcoholic, that's really unhealthy.

I think that actually just made me die. Do these people really live long enough to learn to speak?

[Anonymous No.4700211]

>>4699739
>butter
>for mac and cheese

what the fuck?

[Anonymous No.4700226]

>>4700201
>not putting beer on tap and a pool table in your rape dungeon
You can go full /d/ and serve your friends shrimp cocktails from the anuses of your hog-tied victims between shots of pool and thrusts.

[Anonymous No.4700228]

>>4700211

[Anonymous No.4700229]

>>4700211

I don't know how he does it but generally we make our mac 'n cheese by 50/50 water/milk and add butter while cooking the noodles.

[Anonymous No.4700232]

>>4700226
sounds like the best time ever

[Anonymous No.4700235]

>>4700211
If you're making homemade mac and cheese (not the store bought shit) making a roux for the base makes some god-tier mac n cheese

[Anonymous No.4700238]

>>4700228
>2006
I hope that's from google images, anon.

[Anonymous No.4700242]

>>4699489
My fucking sides. He put the toast on top of the toaster, instead of inside of it.
You've made my day, you poor bastard.

[Anonymous No.4700239]

>>4700226
I was thinking instead of a pool table I'd make a dildo-dart board, with submissives as the dart board.

It'll save room for my ky jelly jacuzzi.

[Anonymous No.4700240]

>>4699788

Stay fat and pleb

[Anonymous No.4700259]

>>4700239
As long as the beer is perfectly normal, your man-cave's integrity won't be damaged.

Shame on you if you adulterate the beer with viagra, though.

[Anonymous No.4700260]

>>4700259
>implying we'll need pills to party
quite the opposite anon, the beer is there to test how drunk we can all get and retain a boner.

[Anonymous No.4700267]

>>4700242
OH. That was actually funny.

[Anonymous No.4700270]

>>4699863
Op here
>Gf's mom was a club slag in her young days
>Epilates her eyebrows all the time
>Now she doesn't have eyebrows anymore
>Has to draw her eyebrows with a make up pencil
>Has some kind of mall-tier men looking haircut
>I have about the same amount of hair as her mom
>I take 1/3 of the time she takes to make my hair
>She still has a shit-tier haircut even after drying and combing for 30 minutes

>Her mom judges everyone and everything
>Doesn't seem to like me even if I'm nice
>Highest moment of her career was working in a greenhouse.
>mfw she judges people on their career choices

I have other stories but they are more /o/ related

[Anonymous No.4700277]

>>4698587

this is bait, yankee

>>4700066

well actually...

[Anonymous No.4700296]

>>4698772

you retarded fuck, I assume you're a girl?

[Anonymous No.4700304]

>>4700030
She fucking deserved it if you ask me. Having a really bad cold does not give her a pass to be disgusting at the table.

[Anonymous No.4700306]

>>4700296
>>>/b/
>>>/v/
>>>/r9k/
>>>/pol/

[Anonymous No.4700308]

>>4700304
How is blowing your nose disgusting? Assuming you don't blow it all over the table.

[Anonymous No.4700316]

I want to make spagetti and meatballs tonight, and I made it a few weeks ago, but i fell like the meatballs weren't flavorful enough, so it just tasted like hamburger to me.

What spices and stuff should I used to make them and how should I cook them? I like meat to be well done or overdone, so I don't mind searing or burning them, but I'd like to know some more opinions on how to make good meatballs.


In mine, I just had onions, salt, pepper and italian spices, pretty much.

[Anonymous No.4700330]

>>4700270
keep posting, please.

[Anonymous No.4700344]

>>4700308
Mind you, I'm not Italian so I son't know how they do things over there but my family is pretty much the same.
Some people don't like farting, burping slurping and smacking at the table.
I don't mind if one would just wipe his/her nose and blow it after leaving the table.There is a discreet and polite way of doing things and there is a retarded way.

[Anonymous No.4700360]

>>4700344
Well, I hate all the things you listed, but blowing your nose never really bothered me. I'd say it's better than having snot running down your lip and wiping every 5 seconds.

[Anonymous No.4700369]

>>4700316
you fucked up, son. delete this and start a new thread.

[Anonymous No.4700373]

>>4700306
You gotta be new, /ck/ is as autistic and NO GURLS ALLOWED as those boards.

[Anonymous No.4700375]

I dunno table manners were a really big deal. Elbows on the table you got stabbed with a fork. Smackin your lips you got smacked on top of the head with a spoon. It was borderline abuse but thats just how shit was. I'd like to think i'm a better person because of it.

[Anonymous No.4700385]

>>4700373
not new at all, just tired of it.

[Anonymous No.4700394]

>>4700385
That makes two of us then

[Anonymous No.4700390]

>>4700308
I never quite got this either. I have really bad asthma, allergies and rhinitis so I literally cannot eat or function if I'm not blowing my nose every 2 minutes, and leaving to the bathroom that often during a meal is simply not fucking realistic. I had to stop eating with some members of my family because of this, because apparently clear mucus on a tissue nobody can even see is as disgusting as shit-smelling farts.

[Anonymous No.4700396]

>>4700390
it is gross

your spraying shit on my food nigger

[Anonymous No.4700401]

>>4700396
I'm not spraying jackshit, I turn my face away from the table and use a tissue. Most of my family is annoyed even if they are eating far from where I'm sitting, too.

[Anonymous No.4700402]

>>4700396
What if they use a hanky?

[Anonymous No.4700405]

>>4700119
Don't feed the trolls.

[Anonymous No.4700406]

>>4700402
>>4700390
the sound alone is disgusting and can put me off my meal.

it's polite to excuse yourself to the restroom to blow your nose.

[Anonymous No.4700413]

>>4700401
because it's fucking gross
autistic piece of shit

[Anonymous No.4700427]

>>4700406
>it's polite to get up every minute and let your food get cold and just generally not eat in order to please a sense of politeness and good manners that is exaggerated and useless

I see why allergies and poor immune system is so rampant in 1st world countries, you people are disgusted by your own shadows.

[Anonymous No.4700432]

>>4700427
Meant to quote >>4700413 as well.

>disgusted by everything
>other people are the autistic ones

[Anonymous No.4700439]

I am completely convinced that no one that frequents this website has any clue what autism really is...

[Anonymous No.4700445]

>>4700427
>>4700432
>having 3rd world manners

do you also use your hand to wipe your ass and spit when you speak?

[Anonymous No.4700458]

>>4700427
You're right, people who eat with their right hand only because they use their left to wipe their ass after pooping are much more civilized.

[Anonymous No.4700493]

>>4699768
>flour with oats.

Once I was making oat cookies and forgot to put the flour in. Ended up making muesli instead. Tasted okay, but not muesli is not cookies. Oats=/=flour.

[Anonymous No.4700557]

>>4699739
>butter
>not oil

It's okay, anon. We won't tell anyone that you're a massive pleb.

[Anonymous No.4700561]

>>4698639
N ur a crooked yellow toothed brit faggot right?

[Anonymous No.4700649]

>>4700330
Alrighty then
>Be last winter
>Go to gf's house expecting to arrive at the same time as her
>Notice skid marks at the exit in the fresh snow
>She probably slid a bit there
>Arrive to her house
>Tells me she slipped at that exit
>"Yeah saw the skids"
>"My car has no grip"
>Think nothing of it, I just tell her to be careful on the throttle and brakes

Fast forward next day
>She takes her car to go to work
>Notice that left rear wheel is locked
>We call the tow truck, bring the car to the garage
>Brake parts broke and blocked the wheel
>Rear brakes are worn out and everything is about to fall off
>Winter tires have as much thread as racing slicks
>Valve cover is leaking
>Car is a 2002 Suzuki Swift/Chevrolet Aveo with 140k km
>Mechanic says the car is pretty worn
>Lel GM quality
>Brake assembly for this model only comes in pair
>800$ for brakes and installation on a shitty Swift
>Her dad had the front brakes changed like 6 months before the event but not the rear brakes because genius.
>Her dad let her use a shit car with bald tires and shot rear brakes to drive to work 3 hours away in the middle of nowhere where her best hope of help in case of a crash would have been a caribou.

Cont.

[Anonymous No.4700663]

>>4700649
Fast forward a month
>My dad also works in a garage
>Offers free lightly used tires
>Her dad buys new tires anyway
>End up paying a grand total of 1100$ for brakes and tires on that piece of shit
>Gf comes back from work
>Car dies on the highway at 8pm a friday night in Montreal
>No shoulders to stop, had to stay in her lane
>Battery dies
>Black car with no lights in the middle of the road on an highway
>Find out the timing belt went to buy cigarettes and never returned which caused the engine head to kill itself
>Her dad is all Hurr durr wut is timing belt, wut is maintenance, wut is common sense
>Mfw the brought the car for "service" to some "friend" of theirs
>Mfw they're mad that nobody told them they had to change that
>Mfw they said that reading the damn manual is too long
>Mfw her mom got irritated when I told them that there is a "service" section in the manual so you can skip the "How the radio works" part
>Mfw they bought a brand new Ford Fiesta with an automatic transmission but without the cruise control
>mfw I could have been a fucking widower at 22 years old

I cheer internally everytime her dad's piece of shit jeep breaks because lolchrysler. I think my dad was equally as mad as me.

[Anonymous No.4700675]

>>4700663
this is infuriating.

[Anonymous No.4700821]

>>4699489
I got the joke.

[Anonymous No.4700867]

>helping friend make curry
>no coconut milk
>"hey anon, would regular milk work?"
>"nonono. let me run to the store"
>"but it's so similar!"
>"no, just wait, it will be okay"
>go to store, get coconut milk
>friend already put the milk in
>it was almost inedible
>"wow, anon, i guess you were right! haha!"

[Anonymous No.4700879]

>>4700867
Oh god my rage could power a small country

[Anonymous No.4700887]

>>4699716
Totally understandable, but sad nonetheless.

[Anonymous No.4700893]

dangerous car, failing to replace the timing belt, automatic car did they ever change the oil on it?

anyway, you can still run at this point. or are you married at 22?

[Anonymous No.4700895]

>>4699756
9/10, would kek again.

[Anonymous No.4700901]

>>4699859
I've never thought of that, nor heard of it. Does that really work?

[Anonymous No.4700906]

>>4700893
Not married but I've finally found a good grill. It would be a shame if she got killed because her stupid family can't into taking care of things.

I wanted to fuck them over so I suggested that they buy a Golf or Jetta as a new car so they would get raped in every possible ways when they would skip the maintenance and have to get VW parts. They went with the shitty Fiesta instead and the sedan version because they don't like hatches while the Mazda 2 is better in every way. It's like if they go out of their way to be stupid plebs.

[Anonymous No.4700910]

>>4699984

[Anonymous No.4700912]

>>4700906
come on, ever guy loves a (fast) hatchback. the sedan is for when you have kids.

[Anonymous No.4700935]

>>4699756
Awesome

[Anonymous No.4700947]

>>4700663
Holy shit that's irrisponsible.
In the Netherlands we have mandatory periodical maintenance checks by a licensed technician that become more frequent as the car gets older up once a year.
These checks may seem patronising to some but they have been introduced specifically to prevent stupid shit like that from happening.
Glad she was okay because that was an extremely dangerous situation.
I knew a guy who died because he crashed into a stationary darkened car on the highway.

[Anonymous No.4700960]

>>4699984
Why is there apparently someone like this in every Irish family except for mine? Shit makes me angrier than almost anything.

[Anonymous No.4700971]

>>4700960
my family is just obsessed with salt
as a kid we went though a box of salt every 2 months

[Anonymous No.4700974]

>>4700867
He knew you were going to the store to do it right.
He fucking KNEW you were making the effort to do it right but he said "lol fuck you faggot my way or the highway" and cocked it up anyway.
I know someone who does that all the time and it pisses everyone off.

[Anonymous No.4700981]

>>4700947
>up once a year

up to once a year

[Anonymous No.4700990]

>Have aunt who is a really really kind person but way too timid and I'm pretty sure she has an eating disorder
>Has three kids
>Kids have the most fucked-up eating habits I've ever seen
>Oldest is 13, has the Assburgers, will only eat puréed carrots and potatoes
>Occasionally branches out and orders something super plain off the menu when we're at a restaurant
>Middle child is 10, hasn't been diagnosed with anything but he honestly seems more autistic than his older sister
>Only eats black bananas, burnt toast, plain pasta/rice
>Youngest kid has the same eating habits
>They're all thin as fucking rails
>The two younger boys will ask for plain white bread and butter or plain pasta or rice if they're feeling crazy when they're at a restaurant
>Once the middle child was given pilau rice by mistake and he cried for the rest of the meal, and (or so I heard) all through the night as well
>Eating out with them is the most embarrassing thing ever
Like I said, my aunt is a really nice person, but I don't think she's cut out for child-rearing. I don't understand how she could have allowed her children to eat so badly for so long.

[Anonymous No.4701035]

>>4699805
lol'd hard

[Anonymous No.4701062]

>>4700901
not him, but we have this at my work. a bottle of sweetener we keep in the back for the regulars who want their tea to be of the sweetened variety

[Anonymous No.4701075]

>>4699983
There is E in America. It depends on your district though. Some have them, some don't.

[Anonymous No.4701192]

>>4700201
>Hey baby, want to check out my rape dungeon?
>"No."
>That's the spirit.

[Anonymous No.4701249]

>>4700912
It's not my car mate, it's her dad who bought it for her and her mother. I would have gotten the Mazda 2 if I was willing to spent on a new compact economy car. Which wouldn't happen because I'd rather put 18K towards something nicer and used.

[Anonymous No.4701257]

>>4700066
northerner detected

[Smith the CIA Agent No.4701296]

>>4700036
Be you in Auckland? I'm in Auckland and I'm so lonely ._.

I feel bad for you guys, my grandmother is just pass 90 and still cooks during family reunions, my aunt also did the same whenever we go to her place. The food isn't world class quality but it's certainly better than most diners I've been to. Kinda feel bad for them though, cooking for 15 to 20 people whenever we manage to have everyone in town for a reunion.

[Anonymous No.4701305]

>>4701296
Not the person you asked, but I'm in Auckland! Why lonely?

[Anonymous No.4701306]

>middle of summer, hot as hell
>roommate makes sweet potato fries in oven
>notice apartment is getting hot as fuck so I go out to kitchen
>fucker left the goddamn oven open
>go to his room to ask him wtf
>mfw he tells me that it's bad for the oven to be closed when it's that hot

[Anonymous No.4701312]

>>4701306
What. The. Fuck. Who is that retarded?

[Anonymous No.4701318]

>>4699045
This. This made me laugh.

[Smith the CIA Agent No.4701329]

>>4701305
I have no friends outside of a few guys I hang out with from my school, the rest are the "we'll get drunk on Friday and not talk until it's next Friday" type.
Also, most of the people I know are pretty tame in terms of food preferences, heck my roommate still has trouble trying to figure out what is a food pyramid and that different cuts of meat comes from different parts of an animal and therefore can't be all cooked the same way.

My social life is incredibly constricted by irl stuff. I just want to have friends I can hang out with, talk about food and maybe cook things with. ...and maybe go fishing, digging for clams and stuff.

[Anonymous No.4701331]

Alright, been lurking long enough, might as well post a story of mine.

>Earlier this summer
>Get an apartment with friend of a friend from here at uni
>First time either of us have lived on our own, but I'm pretty sensible so no worries
>First or second day in apartment, go to buy groceries and come back to make dinner
>Hamburger Helper, basic poorfag meal
>Roommate says he'll cook tonight, and tomorrow I can cook
>Go out to front porch and start reading a book, not paying attention
>He takes the ground beef and cooks it on the highest setting possible
>Microwaves water, milk, pasta, and sauce for maybe about six minutes
>He goes to sit down and play some vidya
>"Uh... anon?"
>Go inside, he's in the kitchen, staring at the beef that at this point is black and practically on fire
>Push him out of way, take it off the oven, realize that it's unsalvageable
>"At least we'll have pasta'
>Pasta is rubbery to the point of no return
>I boot him the fuck out of the kitchen and grill up some burgers

Glad I'm not living with him anymore. I had to front almost all of his rent and he forced us to move out after three days because he couldn't stand driving back and forth to work (we lived 30 minutes outside of town).

[Anonymous No.4701352]

>>4701306
Does he not understand what a convection current is?

[Anonymous No.4701358]

>>4701329
>digging for clams
Where you at?

[Anonymous No.4701384]

>mother makes tasty as fuck meal involving ground beef, potatoes, and Rotel sauce from a can
>cook beef and potatoes perfectly
>get ready to to put the can sauce on
>realize I have none
>dig around for a bit before settling on the jar of Great Value hot salsa in fridge
>pour the chunks on the beef potato mix
>cook it until I believe it is done
>smells of death
I didn't taste it, because I was afraid I was going to poison myself something fierce. It was late at night and I just left it out instead of cleaning it. My mother comes home and wants to try it, but my genius of a brother saves her from potential vomiting.

[Smith the CIA Agent No.4701389]

>>4701358
Auckland CBD, I don't drive and the last two times I got on a bus, I ended up almost crying because I got lost.

[Anonymous No.4701396]

>>4701331
Fuck roommates. My favorite roommate was the one that spent five nights a week at his parents house. Living alone is expensive, but worth it.

[Anonymous No.4701408]

>>4701389
I took the bus one time and got lost in nigger-town lol. Never again. The bus was empty and some fucker got on and sat right next to me trying to sell me this used bible he had for his "church fundraiser".

[Smith the CIA Agent No.4701419]

>>4701408
nigger town sounds like a good place to buy meth, not bibles.

So yah, you want my e-mail or something, wouldn't mind throwing it out there in case you have any fun activities you have planned...

[Anonymous No.4701470]

>be 10 minutes ago
>chopping jalapenos for something I'm going to eat
>alone now so scratch my dick
>burning on dick

I'm not sure what to do, I have it sandwiched between two popsicles but the tip burns so fucking much.

[Anonymous No.4701479]

>>4701470
I did that once. Once. I bet you won't do it again either.

[Anonymous No.4701485]

>>4701470
Happens every time for me. Chopping jalapenos, forget I was chopping them. Go take a piss or rub my dick or something, that fucking burn.

[Anonymous No.4701491]

>friends decide to make some fried chicken and velveta mac and cheese
>chicken gets finished
>make my plate, chicken looks burnt but not alot
>bite into chicken
>raw as fuck
>put that piece down thinking it was just that one
>bite into another piece, all the chicken burnt on the outside and raw on the inside
>this shit gave me the shits for about 2 days
>The velveeta was alright.

[Anonymous No.4701494]

>>4701470

Done it before. You can soak it in milk if it's bad, no joke, it'll help.

If you do, post pics.

[Anonymous No.4701559]

>be 10/11
>dads asleep, moms out with friends, get hungry
>try to make some blueberry muffins
>we didn't have any blueberries so i just used raisins
>called for lemon zest but i didnt know how to do that so i just used lemonade
>no baking powder so i used baking soda
>cinnamon was too high so i used some old bay
they were very bad

also
>after my niece was born, my sister wanted me to join them in eating the placenta
>"n-no, i have t-to work that night"

[Anonymous No.4701579]

>>4701396
My first roommate at uni was like that. Best thing in the world.

[Anonymous No.4701597]

>>4701559
>my sister wanted me to join them in eating the placenta

[Anonymous No.4701708]

>>4698587

sketti?

[Anonymous No.4701753]

>>4700960

I don't know, anon.
I have several, you know. My mum's side of the family are mostly retarded, I don't know how she became so smart, probably for survival.

>on the phone to granny from my mum's side
>talking to her about her sky high cholesterol levels, again
>"well anon, I just don't know where it's coming from now, I'm eating so well"
>granny, maybe it's time to put away your fryer, and using lard with everything
>"why?"
>cholesterol
>"you're so silly, anon. Cholesterol comes from salt!"

My granny and one of my aunts live together. They sleep on the same bed since granda died. My aunt is 32.
Also, that aunt is on disability allowance for crohns, and refuses to pay any bills for the house or food etc. The government buys her a car every few years, she's written off the last 3 in crashes. She declared bankruptcy a few years back, as the credit card debt had spiraled out of control, as had the loans she'd taken out under my granny's name, which my granny wasn't aware of (forged her signature). Luckily granny's house wasn't taken.

She now uses all her disability money to go on an overseas two-week five star resort holiday each year with her fiance. This is the fiance that found work for an uncle of mine, who has kids and was finding it hard to get building work. My aunt's fiance then proceeded to take half of my uncle's paycheck on top of his own, and when my uncle asked him where the rest was he threatened the life of my baby cousins. My aunt took her fiance's side through it all, it was retarded.

Worst part is, we seem to be a fairly typical large Irish family.

[Anonymous No.4701760]

>>4699996

[Anonymous No.4701761]

>>4701296

I'm not, I'm in Christchurch, but I feels ya, man.

My friends have all moved overseas, before that I moved here from Ireland (and left the best friends ever behind) and I moved cities recently so all my drinking mates are gone.

We should be penpals though, I'll send you some cheese rolls or something.

[Anonymous No.4701765]

>>4701559
da fuck

[Anonymous No.4701785]

>>4700066
HAHA, our Dollar Tree sells smokes for cheap here in rural bumfuckistan usa.

[Anonymous No.4701790]

>>4701753
>all that money business
Holy fuck, that shit is insane. How do you not just murder them in their sleep?

[Anonymous No.4701797]

>>4700133
You don't both laugh and giggle at post sex flatulence? That shit is hilarious, my gf and i both think its funny. Body's do what body's do, when you live together you drop all pretenses and just go with the flow.

[Anonymous No.4701856]

>>4701470
Been there, done that. I learned the hard way, always wash your hands before handling sensitive areas. I am a Chicken Wing addict, but after one or two fuck ups involving hot sauce and cocks....its almost as fun as getting Tiger Balm on my sack.

[Anonymous No.4701918]

>Be in sixth grade.
>Family and Consumer Sciences class (Home Ec that takes itself too seriously)
>Teacher is female Jabba the Hutt, but more of an asshole.
>My group is tasked with making spaghetti, other group next to make is making fruit pizza.
>I'm "leader" of spaghetti group, "Brad" is leader of fruit pizza group.
>Start making spaghetti.
>See that Brad has molded his fruit pizza crust into a circle instead of the square as Jabba told us.
>Person on spaghetti team asks what to do first.
>I would later learn that recipe called for one cup of spaghetti or so.
>Not paying attention at all, spaghetti deputy puts entire box in.
>Put on stovetop with all of the other ingredients at once, with the correct amount of water for one cup.
>Leave cooking for longer than we were supposed to.
>Smoking.
>Burned to shit.
>Absolutely disgusting, every single thing in the pot is black.
>Jabba comes over, completely furious.
>We have irreversibly fucked our spaghetti and also used all of the pasta for every other class.
>Brad chooses this moment to take blasphemously circular fruit pizza out of oven.
>Jabba sees, says nothing, and walks out the door.
>mfw we all eat delicious fruit pizza and watch my spaghetti smolder as Mrs. Jabba has a nervous breakdown in the hallway.

[Anonymous No.4702363]

>Grow up with mom doing all of the cooking
>Want to make fish but no one else likes fish; gotta learn for myself
>Ask mom what to do
>Tells me to just follow the instructions on the breading box
>Okay
>Get vegetable/canola oil and pour in the pan, turn heat on middle dial
>Wait for it to start boiling
>Turn heat up to 7
>Fuck why are there no bubbles or anything
>Maybe it doesn't fry until I put something in
>Put breaded fish in oil
>Fish starts frying and hot oil splashes on me
At least it tasted okay.

[Anonymous No.4702404]

>>4701918
How the fuck are you supposed to measure one cup of spaghetti?

[Anonymous No.4702406]

>>4699664
Maybe he didn't add water

[Anonymous No.4702407]

>>4701918
> fruit pizza

[Anonymous No.4702439]

>>4702404
>How the fuck are you supposed to measure one cup of spaghetti?

Pic related?

[Anonymous No.4702491]

>moms cooking for family
>starts boiling noodles and potatoes for salad
>puts pots on, walks away
>noodles so overcooked they have expanded to twice their size
>potatoes have basically turned into mash
>starts cooking ribeye steaks
>cuts them all open to check if done
>turned them into dry beef jerky
>forgets rolls in oven, they turn into carbon
>boils the asparagus for 20 minutes

>present day, living with roomate
>buys nothing but junkfood and microwave meals with food stamps
>drinks 24 cans of soda per day

[Anonymous No.4702522]

>>4702491
>all dat poop

Fatties gonna fat

[Anonymous No.4702547]

>>4702491
>>drinks 24 cans of soda per day

That's 8 liters...gotta be an exaggeration.

[Anonymous No.4702565]

>>4702439

jesus christ that is dumb as fuck

[Anonymous No.4702578]

Alright, I'll confess.

>Be 11/12
>decide to make Currywurst
>roast up some sausages
>drown them in ketchup
>sofarsogood.jpg
>grab some orange/brown powder from the spice cabinet
>shake it all over the Wurst
>it's not curry, but cinnamon

It was still edible but I wouldn't recommend it.

[Anonymous No.4702583]

>>4702547
wouldn't be surprised. I was just opening can after can yesterday while working and by the end of the day had gone through a six pack and a half in about 8 hours. If I wasn't working and was just playing vidya or something I could probably easily go through a case a day.

But that's different at home because I use water enhancers so I can drink more water.. need to bring some of those to work..

[Anonymous No.4702584]

>>4702565
how so?

[testing !75l2i59hrU No.4702590]

>>4699315

>have to kind of know how to get perfect boiling water

[Anonymous No.4702591]

>about a year ago
>really liked the onion rings I had at applebees the week before
>decide to make some more
>make some batter off some site I found
>chop an onion into rings
>smother them all in the batter
>throw them all in at once into the deep fryer basket

I pulled out one huge onion long, and I completely fucked up the grease on the fryer... normally only change the grease every couple months but that shit was ruined

[Anonymous No.4702592]

>>4702590
I feel 'em. I can't really ever get the procedure right. I'll throw the food in while it's boiling too hot or too early, or too much water evaporates, or it boils over. I just avoid anything that takes boiling water now.

[Anonymous No.4702593]

>>4702591
log, not long.

[Anonymous No.4702616]

>>4702591
haha oh wow

[Anonymous No.4702627]

>>4702616
>>4702591
in my defense, at that point I decided to do some further research. I then realized there were more ways to fry things other than the deep-fryer.

Thank god that experiment came first. I was also wondering how to do chinese fried rice at the same time. Was wondering how I was going to keep the rice in the basket.

[Anonymous No.4702639]

Electric kettle on stove.

[Anonymous No.4702641]

>>4702639
Why?

[Anonymous No.4702695]

>>4702627
I could just see some poor fucker throw ramen into the deep fryer.

Wait..would that work?

[Anonymous No.4702730]

>HS cooking class
>doing dishes
>wash oily baking sheet someone else left
>it was some kind of maple candy

[Anonymous No.4702739]

>>4702641
6 or 7

[Smith the CIA Agent No.4702742]

>>4701761
I'll send you some.. er... letters. Not much in Auckland you can't find anywhere else in the world.

E-mail address entered.

No gay porn plz.

[Anonymous No.4702834]

>>4702695
I would think so. might get a bit too crunchy though

[Anonymous No.4702893]

>me and bro grilling salmon
>all is going well
>he's only had 2 beers but proceeds to grab fish basket by the handle and wave it over his head shouting about how he's the fish king
>salmon flying through cracks in the fish basket
>we stand there looking at the shards of fish scattered on and around us


luckily we had brats in the fridge that we made instead, but I never let him forget his moment as the fish king

[Anonymous No.4703846]

>>4700009
Are...are you me?

[Anonymous No.4703932]

>>4700867
Soy/almond milk works just fine.

[Anonymous No.4703997]

>>4698521
>Altering the recipe is probably one of the biggest newbie mistakes.
It's only a mistake if you're not willing to accept that you're experimenting and the result might not be great. If you can bear the possibility of fucking it up, go ahead and experiment.

Like Balm Mint in Chicken Satay.

[Anonymous No.4704016]

My mother always used to cook chicken breasts at 450° for 1 and a half hours.
She says if she didn't, we would all die.

It was like eating breadcrumbs.

[Anonymous No.4704019]

>>4704016
>make that
>use as croutons in your chicken caesar salad

[Anonymous No.4704130]

>>4698977
>>Felt like I was in Vladivostok during the cold war
>>Had to restrain myself from putting on a tracksuit and eating while squatting

>>4699805
>>Nah, it works well on any other setting. I guess the auto-reheat button was just intended to warm the earth up again if another ice age occurred.
>>Based LG being prepared

>>4702547
Caffeine is diuretic, so you'll have to drink more with it. A number of sodas contain caffeine.

[Anonymous No.4704318]

>>4702695
instant ramen has already been deep-fried several times, that's how it stays a cake of dried up noodles until you boil it

so it'd just crisp and crumble to hell and back, I'd assume

[Anonymous No.4704336]

Semi-related, since "food noobs": I *REFUSE* to make spaghetti for my mother. It grinds my gears that she shreds it instead of rolling.

Specially not garlic-and-oil, I've lost account on how many times I saw she adding Parmesan cheese.

[Anonymous No.4704492]

>>4704336
>rolling your spaghetti

Pleb pls go

[Anonymous No.4704514]

Nusually just grab an amount equal to the girth of my dick when erect, then cover with an inch of water. Comes out perfect every time.

[Anonymous No.4704828]

>>4699825
based rittersport

[Anonymous No.4705120]

>>4699729
Mate, the best Waygu only comes from Australia. Frozen!

[Anonymous No.4705137]

>>4704828
>tfw praline flavor

[Anonymous No.4705242]

>>4700119
It irritates the fuck out of me when people assume that anyone who doesn't want to have orgies in front of their grandmother must be 'ashamed' of sex and think it's 'dirty'.

Intimate doesn't equal shameful. Retard.

[Anonymous No.4705476]

>>4702742

I will email you, bro.

Don't worry, no gay pronz here. Might send you a photo of my dog some time though, he's a qt.

[Anonymous No.4705733]

>First Christmas dinner with fiancee
>Cooking is one of her hobbies, so fuck yeah awesome food
>I can cook some things, but not as good as her

>She made 6 dishes, leaves me in charge of seasoning the the Xbox huge Chester
>"It's so big, I'm gonna put a lot of butter along with the herbs so it doesn't turn dry"
>Slatter that bitch Chester up in high-quality butter, chunks inside and everything
>Puts in oven, all good, leave kitchen

>3 hours later, return without fiancee (thank god she wasn't present)
>Chester and potatoes turned into a lake of boiling butter, the potatoes are floating and the herbs are swimming into the cave of the Chester's opening
>looks like Dante's lake of lava in Hell
>quickly remove from oven, use utensils to remove cups and cups of molten butter from the lake of lava

>mfw the result was heavenly
>mfw butter potatoes were born and are honoured to this day
>mfw my brother took a big gulp from a cup of liquid butter and Chester fat he thought was soup
>vomit everywhere

[Smith the CIA Agent No.4705834]

>>4705476
Yay, I have a friend. Now I actually reply with a number when people ask if I have any friends instead of saying "No, I don't."


>>4705733
>>mfw my brother took a big gulp from a cup of liquid butter and Chester fat he thought was soup
>>vomit everywhere
I guess your brother isn't a fan of Paula Deen or Jamie Oliveoil's cooking.

[Anonymous No.4706788]

>Gf hates asparagus
>I love asparagus
>tfw your qt3.1416 azn gf doesn't like based asparagus