/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.17163428]

Is holiday ham worth it?

[Anonymous No.17163430]

Sure, why not?

[Anonymous No.17163431]

>>17163428
Why not hire a second sniffer?

[Anonymous No.17163449]

>>17163431
He's THE ham sniffer you fucking doofus.

[Anonymous No.17163453]

>>17163449
And what? He can't train another sniffer? He can't be that good then.

[Anonymous No.17163464]

>>17163428
Imagine the smell

[Anonymous No.17163480]

>>17163453
Shut your mouth or I WILL sniff you.

[Anonymous No.17163491]

>>17163480
I just took a shit and didn't bother to do a good job wiping, knock yourself out.

[Anonymous No.17163494]

the ham sniffer when he smells a roastie

[Anonymous No.17163548]

>>17163491
*SNIFFFFFFFFF* Hot damn! Yummy yummy! Yup that's Delllllll-cious~

[Anonymous No.17163555]

Legit sensory torture. Poor guy, his eyes are full of despair.

[Anonymous No.17163570]

>>17163428
>>17163555
>If only you knew how hammy things are...

[Anonymous No.17163582]

>>17163428
Tell me about Bautista! Why does he smell the hams?

[Anonymous No.17163645]

>>17163428
Why doesn't he just charge double for his services? Suddenly ham that passes his sniff test becomes the elite standard so they'll be willing to pay him more.

[Anonymous No.17163655]

>>17163428
>sabotages your entire livelihood

[Anonymous No.17163713]

>>17163428
What a lazy piece of shit. I could sniff easily 100 more hams per day than that.

[Anonymous No.17163733]

>>17163494
kek

[Anonymous No.17163745]

>>17163449
>>17163453
Teach me master… I am ready

[Anonymous No.17163746]

>>17163428
Imagine the smell.

[Anonymous No.17163750]

>>17163582
Perhaps he was wondering why one would projoot a ham before carving it with a plane

[Anonymous No.17163759]

>>17163428
El aspirador de jamón supremo!

[Anonymous No.17163774]

>>17163428
Yeah sure, ham is delicious. I've been curing and smoking my own for the last couple years.

[Anonymous No.17163787]

>>17163774
that's a long time anon. when's it going to be ready?

[Anonymous No.17163789]

Ridiculous that some some pays him to do that. What is he offering that an objective test can't do?

[Anonymous No.17163793]

You have to sniff all the hams

[Anonymous No.17163800]

>>17163713
he has a very special nose that no normie such as yourself can even dream of having.

[Anonymous No.17163813]

>>17163787
The curing and smoking are done, I'll be reheating and glazing it Christmas eve.

[Anonymous No.17163822]

best thread on this whole fucking site right now

[Anonymous No.17163831]

is it really necessary to sniff every single ham? after that long should you not have created a system where you can be 99,999% sure that your system delivers quality hams and you'd only need to randomly quality check a few of them each batch?

fucking spaniards this is why they are bankrupt

[Anonymous No.17163836]

>>17163831
you have to sniff all the hams

[Anonymous No.17163841]

>spend your days sniffing hams to deliver a perfect product to people
>americans slap it on a sandwich and drench it in ketchup
many such cases

[Anonymous No.17163859]

>>17163428
honestly it's just ham, there is nothing special to me and i think it can only taste good when you cram it full of sweet and strong mustard.

[Anonymous No.17163862]

>>17163449
>He's THE ham sniffer
I sniffed your mom's ham last night

[Anonymous No.17163931]

>>17163862
That joke was hamfisted. Like OP's mum.

[Anonymous No.17163949]

you may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like

[Anonymous No.17163967]

>>17163831
what are you implying? you'd buy an unsniffed ham?

[Anonymous No.17163969]

tfw work didn't give us spiral cut hams this year
cheap fucks

[Anonymous No.17163978]

>>17163431
according to the article it's a group of 6 sniffers

[Anonymous No.17164005]

How does he get out??

[Anonymous No.17164020]

>>17163428
>tfw they sell ham in the states saying it's "iberico" because the pig was born in the iberian peninsula while they keep the good "iberico" (race of pig) for themselves

REEEEEEEEE

[Anonymous No.17164027]

>>17163428
>imagine the smell

You think it's a joke, but THE SMELL haunts this man's dreams, his waking nightmares. It's like a Twilight Zone episode:

>"Mmm, that ham sure smells good!"
>But what if that's ALL that you could smell...

Ham is now this man's permanent baseline scent... and sense. His entire being has been recalibrated to measure infinitesimal degrees of porkitude. When his wife bakes some cookies and asks how they smell, all he can say is "slightly less hammy." But more profoundly, his nose has overtaken all of his other sensory organs, and now he can only recognize his children by their relative ham-smell instead of their faces.:

>Ah, my beloved son Juan.
>He smells like an Iberico from the Ferdandez farm on the southern coast after two months of curing.
>What does he look like?
>I wouldn't know.
>All I see anymore is masses of undulating pink pigflesh.
>And yet... my expertly-trained nostrils, like a blind elephant's probing trunk, are somehow able to navigate this labyrinthine pork prison...

Ham is also now the only thing that he can eat. Because ham itself now tastes like merely nothing, whereas anything not-ham evokes only degrees of departure from the porcine baseline, a maudlin reminder of everything he has lost in service to salami.

[Anonymous No.17164039]

>>17164027

[Anonymous No.17164049]

>>17164027
:(

[Anonymous No.17164070]

You have to sniff all the hams

[Anonymous No.17164074]

800 hams a day is about one ham every 20 seconds. That actually sounds awful if you need to be making notes or something at the same time

[Anonymous No.17164082]

im not sure id be comfortable eating ham thats been sniffed.

[Anonymous No.17164086]

>>17163859
You've obviously never had a properly sniffed ham before. I feel sorry for you.

[Anonymous No.17164098]

>Wearing the Hard Hat backwards
Damn he's fresh fr fr cuh

[Anonymous No.17164102]

There's a million Chinese people who would sniff 2x that amount for 1/2 the wage, he should stop complaining

[Anonymous No.17164106]

>>17163969
We just got a $25 grocery voucher. 11lb Smithfield are like $60

[Anonymous No.17164118]

>>17164027
he seems okay
>Mr. Vega’s nighttime ablutions to maintain his sense of smell include a steaming mug of Pennyroyal tea, a wild local mint he picks himself. He hopes his wife never changes her perfume—Lancôme’s La Vie Est Belle—as his nose was recently thrown when he switched to an anti-baldness shampoo.

[Anonymous No.17164144]

>>17164074
8*60*60/800 = 36, around two hams per minute, sounds like an easy job.

[Anonymous No.17164154]

>>17164039
fixed it for you

[Anonymous No.17164161]

>>17164154

nice

[Anonymous No.17164163]

>>17164154
His smile and optimism: hammed.

[Anonymous No.17164170]

>>17163428
>All those moments, gone.
>Like sniffing a ham.

[Anonymous No.17164206]

>>17163841
>ketchup
Stfu nigger chang its mayo or go fuck yourself

[Anonymous No.17164214]

>>17164154

[Anonymous No.17164235]

>>17164214

[Anonymous No.17164249]

>>17164039
>>17164154
>>17164214
>>17164235
That's actually a good illustration of gradual wagemadness.

[Anonymous No.17164333]

>>17163831
Good for you, poorfag. But people with disposable incomes like to have their hams sniffed to ensure top quality.

[Anonymous No.17164353]

>>17163713
you couldn't sniff shit faggot

[Anonymous No.17164358]

>>17164154
best desu

[Anonymous No.17164364]

You have to sniff all the hams.

[Anonymous No.17164380]

>>17164364
That man looks like his lineage evolved to eat hams in one go. Like, he looks like a real life HellMouth Imp.

[Anonymous No.17164385]

>>17163428
it is not christmas if there is no ham on the table.

[Anonymous No.17164391]

>>17164249
Someone pls edit into vertical collage. Poor Sniff King

[Anonymous No.17164404]

>>17163428
I need a fucking COVID passport to ride the damn train home for Christmas and now you're telling me that every single ham in the store has had the swarthy snout of a Spaniard near it?
It's a clown world, alright.

[Anonymous No.17164410]

>>17164380
I want to fuck the hellmouth imp

[Anonymous No.17164428]

>>17164410
WE ALL DO. Damn it man, save it for the general.

[Anonymous No.17164455]

>>17164353
Fuck you cocksucker I could sniff hams far better than some Spaniard.

[Anonymous No.17164473]

>>17163428
That’s not even a piece of ham that he’s sniffing.
What the fuck sort of useless intern ham sniffer is he?

[Anonymous No.17164787]

That's a fragrant ham

[Anonymous No.17164806]

Sniffed hams > steamed hams

[Anonymous No.17164868]

>>17163831
>this nigga buyin unscented half-sniffed hams

[Anonymous No.17164932]

>>17164787
For you

[Anonymous No.17165325]

>>17163831
Same reason as to why wine tasters exists.

[Anonymous No.17165334]

To be fair, Jamón ibérico is one of the best if not the best ham I've ever tasted.

[Anonymous No.17165342]

>>17164027
>after all why shouldn't I make a holiday ham out of my son

[Anonymous No.17165346]

>>17163428
Imagine using his powers to sniff braps

[Anonymous No.17165353]

>>17164027
grade a my nigga

[Anonymous No.17165887]

today i learned ham sniffer is an occupation

[Anonymous No.17165896]

>>17164027
That attempt at comedy was rather ham-fisted.
On the nose, even.

[Anonymous No.17165984]

>>17164005
He doesn't, he lives with the ham, he has become one with the ham

[Anonymous No.17166012]

>>17163453
Stay in your non-sniffing lane, fucker

[Anonymous No.17166067]

>>17164364
Are those really not refrigerated?

[Anonymous No.17166080]

There is only one true sniffer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCZI7fZJlgE

[Anonymous No.17166082]

>>17163453
sniffers are like the Sith. there can only be one master and one apprentice

[Anonymous No.17166175]

>>17163431
they dont have a good union, thats why!

[Anonymous No.17166183]

I can't do photoshop, but I feel like this guy is begging to be photoshopped snorting some essence du brap out of that thing

[Anonymous No.17166345]

>>17164391
delivery

[Anonymous No.17166409]

>>17164364
how does he get out without breaking all the hams?

[Anonymous No.17166494]

>>17163831
this is why in your country all of the chicken needs to be soaked full of disinfectant and the milk needs to be blasted at a high heat, destroying all nutrients

[Anonymous No.17166502]

Imagine being this guy. You would never be able to enjoy ham after smelling it for 10 hours a day.

[Anonymous No.17166568]

>>17163428
>>17166183
I'm too lazy to come up with a background picture, so here's a shitty transparency template. Slap it on top of whatever you want and fill in the blanks.

[Anonymous No.17166591]

>eurosniffers

[Anonymous No.17166596]

>>17166568
inb4 niko avocado's gaping cavern

[Anonymous No.17166623]

>>17166596
My God, you've doomed us all...

[Anonymous No.17166627]

>>17164102
>buying a Sniffed in China ham
pleb

[Anonymous No.17166665]

>go buy ham
>nice hams in the shop
>check one
>what the fuck
>look closely
>it is surrounded by 50000000000000000000000000 atoms of air
>it is clearly not missing the 240000000000 000000000000 atoms the sniff from the sniffer would take away into his lungs
>hams clearly not fucking sniffed
>punch the cashier and run away
It is hard time living in spain.

[Anonymous No.17166668]

>>17163428
Why does he sniff the hams?

[Anonymous No.17166697]

>>17166568
i tried

[Anonymous No.17166704]

>>17166697

Don't you dare compare jannies to our beloved Castilian ham-sniffer. He has a marketable skill. And he does NOT do it for free!

[Anonymous No.17166718]

>>17166704
Hold on there anon, janitors go through hundreds of threads, it's a lot of work! Surely they're paid for their endeavors?

[Anonymous No.17166728]

>>17164027
GAZ, TASTER OF PORK

[Anonymous No.17166732]

>>17164428
>>17164410
kys

[Anonymous No.17166757]

>>17166668

It doesn't matter who we are. What matters is our ham.

[Anonymous No.17166776]

>>17163555
>gets home after a hard day of sniffing
>honey whats for dinner
>ham with mash taters and gravy

[Anonymous No.17166781]

>>17166718

They would at least get the satisfaction of job well done, except... you know...

[Anonymous No.17166846]

>>17166345
based anon

[Anonymous No.17166852]

Okay screw it, I'm going to walmart later anyway. I guess I'm asking their meat people if the hams have been professionally sniffed.

[Anonymous No.17166859]

>>17166757
If I take away your ham, will you die?

[Anonymous No.17166861]

>>17163428
>Is holiday ham worth it?
lmao ffs the evil media will do anything to put a negative spin on anything Christmas related.
They could have just as easily written that this is one of his busiest and most profitable times of the year, instead of the gloom.

[Anonymous No.17166873]

>>17166859

It would be very aromatic...
>You're a pig guy.
>...for you!

[Anonymous No.17166898]

>>17163969
They gave me a 500 dollar Christmas bonus instead of a stupid ham

[Anonymous No.17166911]

>>17166898
>20 dollars? Aw, I wanted a peanut...

[Anonymous No.17167034]

>in an eternal feud with the salami listener

[Anonymous No.17167075]

>>17164364
Is that Ricky Berwick in the ham fort?

[Anonymous No.17167085]

>>17166873
>not "BOAR YOU!"

You having some truffle coming up with puns?

[Anonymous No.17167086]

>>17164364
When did Cobes open his own place?

[Anonymous No.17167088]

>>17167085

'Snout as easy as it looks.

[Anonymous No.17167111]

>>17167088
Sow hard can it be?

[Anonymous No.17167126]

>>17163428
so what does ham sniffing even do?

[Anonymous No.17167129]

>>17167126
If you gotta ask, you'll never know

[Anonymous No.17167133]

>>17167034
kek

[Anonymous No.17167136]

>>17167111

You're bacon it look easy. You'd such a sooeeeeee-t wordsmith, you'd be great at Scapple. It's trough for the rest of us.

[Anonymous No.17167137]

>>17167126
You do sniff your hams before you eat them right? Please anon….

[Anonymous No.17167140]

>>17163836
>why are you doing this to me?

[Anonymous No.17167144]

>>17163969
>accrue positive karma and relationship points with all my bosses clients (S Rank the japanese exclusive course as well)
>all of them give me 20-100 dollars christmas tip/bonus

[Anonymous No.17167145]

>>17167129
I feel like it's an action taken solely so they can give the hams a steep mark up in price. does sniffing them do anything of benefit?

[Anonymous No.17167147]

>>17167126
>>17167145
makes sure they haven't been in the fridge for too long

[Anonymous No.17167150]

Reminds me of this guy:

[Anonymous No.17167151]

>>17166409
haha. i get the reference. have an updoot.

[Anonymous No.17167164]

>>17167150
For you.

[Anonymous No.17167195]

>>17167145

The act of sniffing creates a localized vacuum which helps to bring pork molecules closer to the ham's surface for a richer, more flavorful crust. Ham scientists have attempted to replicate this process with robotic noses, but results were inconsistent because each ham is different. Only a professional sniffer, who has a lifetime of training combined with optimal nasal genetics, can really do the job. (Most sniffers belong to family dynasties; this guy is tenth generation, at least, judging from his refined columella.) It takes a special man with a very special nose to dynamically reshape his nostril geometry to alter airflow as the smell changes mid-sniff.

But hey, if you're content eating room-temperature Oscar Meyer baloney in your underwear over the kitchen sink, then you do you.

[Anonymous No.17167216]

>>17163428
What's it with Christmas and pigs?

[Anonymous No.17167270]

>>17166568
>>17166596
Here you go. Not posting this shit on a blue board.

https://i.imgur.com/BiNPC4Q.jpg

[Anonymous No.17167283]

>>17167270
>uses the cat couch version
>still afraid to post it anyway
Pussy.

[Anonymous No.17167313]

>>17163428
Has no one asked yet why he's wearing a helmet? "No just some guy, a professional."

[Anonymous No.17167317]

>>17167270
kek

[Anonymous No.17167405]

>>17163428
How much money can you make from sniffing ham?

[Anonymous No.17167447]

>>17163428

easy christmas ham:
buy a hardwood smoked bone-in ham, none of that honey glazed spiral bullshit
a pot with lid big enough to fit it, with extra space
in oven at 200f
leave it alone for 6 hours
pull apart, discard remaining bones and unwanted tissues
place on serving tray or bowl
pour rendered juices on top
essentially a braised ham
make deviled eggs and some bread to go with it
rest in peace

[Anonymous No.17167561]

>>17164027
I love this thread

[Anonymous No.17167583]

>>17164027
>somehow able to navigate this labyrinthine pork prison

got me good

[Anonymous No.17167600]

>>17164027
There's a Borges story called The Zaheer that's essentially this.

[Anonymous No.17167675]

test

[Sage No.17167689]

>>17163431
If you hire a second sniffer, you have to hire a third to validate any differences between the two.

[Anonymous No.17167835]

>>17166502
he makes the ultimate sacrifice so we don't have to

[Anonymous No.17167873]

>>17163428
>The expert ham sniffer of Spain
>THE

Is he elected or appointed? Is it a partisan position? How long does he typically serve? After leaving office, does he continue sniffing ham in the private sector, or are his nostrils effectively ruined during public service? Does he get a pension? Does he get to retire to a special pork-scented home for former sniffers? Is he allowed to leave the country, or is he required to remain on Spanish soil to avoid risks to national pork security? So many questions....

[Anonymous No.17167880]

>>17167873
yes

[Anonymous No.17167889]

>>17167873
>Does he get a pension?
he gets a pig pension

[Anonymous No.17167897]

>>17163428
Even if this guy worked every day for two months at that rate, that would only amount to some 50,000 hams sniffed. Assuming they're only being sold domestically (which I'm guessing they aren't) that would amount to only one sniffed ham per roughly 1,000 people based on the current population of Spain. I'm assuming this means that professionally-sniffed hams are thus a niche/luxury product, and not all holiday hams in Spain have had the prestige of being sniffed by the expert ham sniffer of Spain in time for Christmas.

[Anonymous No.17167964]

>the thousand ham stare

[Anonymous No.17167980]

>>17163428
>mfw I've sniffed my last ham

[Anonymous No.17168051]

>>17166781
>>17166718
>>17166704
Based, may I have a cheer?
A cheer to the cleaning of messes!
Now... Say it with me!
On the count of three!
1... 2... 3...
CLEAN. UP. MY. MESS!

[Anonymous No.17168250]

>>17163428
Does he have to smell every ham? Do Europeans not understand statistics? If the ham factory is so fancy then the six sigma quality should be high.

[Anonymous No.17168259]

>>17166494
Shut the fuck up, ham sniffer

[Anonymous No.17168349]

>>17167980
>mfw I've sniffed my last ham

[Anonymous No.17168596]

>>17167873
>Mr. Vega’s boss, cellar quality-control chief Cristina Sánchez Blanco, 44, detailed the test required to become a sniffer. Aspirants must detect minute, varying concentrations of five liquids in water—ammonia, gin, wine (usually fino sherry), rubbing alcohol and vinegar.
>The ratio can be, at maximum, 5 milliliters per liter or as infinitesimal as 0.8 milliliter, a range of roughly 75 to 12 drops in a standard 750 milliliter wine bottle. Test takers analyze the solutions in plastic cups, which makes it a timed test, said Ms. Sánchez Blanco, because the plastic smell gradually overwhelms the scents of the liquids.
>Some hopefuls take as long as an hour on the test. Mr. Vega said he took 10 minutes. “If you doubt yourself, you cannot do this work,” he said, tapping his chest to indicate a gut decision. “If you doubt one, you have to doubt all of them.”
>Ms. Sánchez Blanco said the company has given the test only three times in the past 20 years. She, Mr. Vega and Rocío Ortega Velázquez, 46, the deputy technical director who is Ms. Sánchez Blanco’s superior and who spot checks Mr. Vega’s work, are the only three people to have gotten a perfect score.

[Anonymous No.17168699]

>>17168596
>Aspirants must detect minute, varying concentrations of five liquids in water—ammonia, gin, wine (usually fino sherry), rubbing alcohol and vinegar.
>Aspirants
Lmfao, who writes this shit?

[Anonymous No.17168701]

based ham sniffer
conceptualize the odor
and then conceptualize it again

[Anonymous No.17168836]

>>17168596
I guarantee you fags I could score perfect on this retarded shit.
No wonder Iberico is such a meme.

[Anonymous No.17168855]

>>17168699
what's your problem with aspirants?

[Anonymous No.17168895]

>>17168855
I have aspirgers

[Anonymous No.17168906]

>>17163789
Nothing, but laboratory tests are more expensive than an elite ham sniffer.

[Anonymous No.17169075]

>>17163836
>>17167140

[Anonymous No.17169216]

>>17164102
>implying a Chinaman can even sniff ham like a true spaniard

The noose is your destiny.

[Anonymous No.17169223]

>>17164364
Have you ever been in so close contact with ham that you even look like a pig?

[Anonymous No.17169241]

>>17167405
It's not money he's going after...

[Anonymous No.17169248]

>>17168906
>elite ham sniffer

Don't ask me why but this shit got me in tears

[Anonymous No.17169268]

>>17169248

Don't laugh, this guy is part of Spain's "Meal Team 6", or "Smellta Force" if you will. And he's a Vietnam vet (smelled a lot of pot-bellied pigs). His nose is registered as a lethal weapon, and he'd sooner kill you than sneeze at a pig's arse.

[Anonymous No.17169306]

how can i become a ham sniffer?

[Anonymous No.17169315]

>>17169306
>how can i become a ham sniffer?
When the time comes, they'll call for you.

[Anonymous No.17169321]

>>17163831
>Unsniffed ham

[Anonymous No.17170159]

>>17168596
>tfw ten years in and you start doubting the hams

[Anonymous No.17170169]

>>17164364
>I can fit everything in this store in my mouth, I guarantee you señor

[Anonymous No.17170186]

>>17167216
its Christmas and all meat. Christmas goose, ham, roast beef, turkey, etc. And this makes sense because back in the day you'd slaughter your livestock in the late fall when all the grass and forage was gone, fresh produce is gone too. So you have a feast on a ton of meat for christmas and ration the rest of the animal throughout the year with whatever else you preserved during the harvest.

[Anonymous No.17170248]

>>17164027

[Anonymous No.17170434]

>>17164214
>ham ham

[Anonymous No.17170454]

>>17164020
>"iberico" (race of pig)
isnt iberico ham just regular pigs fed a diet primarily or exclusively of some kind of acorn found on the iberian peninsula?

[Anonymous No.17170463]

>>17163428
does anyone know what he actually smells for? I doubt they need a team of only 6 for hams that have gone bad, is it something to due with aging properly or what?

[Anonymous No.17170472]

>>17163428
>at the limit of human possibility
so we are forcing a man to achieve what a human being is maximally capable of. Sounds pretty based to me

[Anonymous No.17170501]

>>17164170
you cant sniff properly with a bill in the way of your face

[Anonymous No.17170507]

>>17164364
Ghibliesque

[Anonymous No.17170514]

>>17164404
>t. clown

[Anonymous No.17170555]

>>17170507
if you zoom in on one of the hams you can read "Prosciutteria KINO"

[Anonymous No.17170574]

>>17168855
It's a pun. They're calling people who inhale stuff "aspirants". If anything, you could even say they're aspiring aspirants.

[Anonymous No.17170578]

>>17170454
They are fed on the flesh of Muslims

[Anonymous No.17170615]

>>17164358
>best desu
best to be hamest

[Anonymous No.17170618]

>>17163428
>>17170472
>My vision wavers with each ham I sniff,
>but I can bear it.

>My mind and flesh are scraping off, and my existence is fading.
>My body screams with each of my sniffs, and I'm beginning to see my death, a mere thirty hams ahead.
>There's no fear.
>All I have is…
>...The joy of being able to sniff hams.

>I can still sniff.

[Anonymous No.17170625]

>>17166911
based simpsons poster

[Anonymous No.17170636]

>>17166732
KYS?
Kiss your sister?

[Anonymous No.17170642]

>>17170169
Ahh, but, can you fit...
Me?

[Anonymous No.17170723]

>>17170618
Sisyphean.

[Anonymous No.17170787]

>>17168596
>Some hopefuls take as long as an hour on the test. Mr. Vega said he took 10 minutes
This guy's a fucking anime character

[Anonymous No.17171142]

>You don't have to tell me what happened but you do have to sniff all these hams

[Anonymous No.17171167]

>>17167600
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZP7K9SycELA

[Anonymous No.17171182]

>>17163453
You can't be trained to sniff. Either you have it or you don't

[Anonymous No.17171191]

>>17170618
>Sparks Liner Ham
lel

[Anonymous No.17171207]

>>17171142
lmao someone with editing skills make this image

[Anonymous No.17171212]

>at the limit of human possibility
What gives that faggot the authority to determine the human limit of ham sniffing?

[Anonymous No.17171285]

>>17164027
lovecraftian

[Anonymous No.17171491]

>>17163428
Holiday ham? Is that anything like CHRISTmas ham, euphoric redditors?

[Anonymous No.17171519]

>>17171491
Yes, but you can also have it on New Years Eve, also it's alliterative. We're not ignoring Christmas, just lumping it in since there's anywhere from 3 to 7 holidays all crammed into the same week depending on where you live. If you want to eat a holiday ham on Boxing Day, go right ahead.

Hell, you could have one early and call it a Hanukkah ham.

[Anonymous No.17171525]

>>17171212
He's taken gold in Le Long Jambon, the ham-sniffing equivalent of the tour de france, 25 years running. The man's sniffed hams from Ibeza to Irkutsk to Idaho.
Who's your contender?

[Anonymous No.17171537]

>>17171525
We ain't fancy where we come from, but ol' Pork-Snorting Pete down the lane could take your prissy ham sniffer to the table.

[Anonymous No.17171539]

>>17171491
Look at this dumb Christian thinking anyone cares. Don't you have some Walmart workers life to ruin somewhere?

[Anonymous No.17171540]

imagine setting everything up for your christmas family dinner and you realise the ham is unsniffed

[Anonymous No.17171544]

>>17171519
>Hanukkah ham
Fuck you

[Anonymous No.17171546]

>>17171539
If they're working at wal-mart, their life is already ruined. A feeling you know well, I'm sure.

[Anonymous No.17171547]

>>17171539
>replying to yourself because nobody took the cap bait

[Anonymous No.17171557]

>>17171547
Quote both posts when you say this newfag

[Anonymous No.17171562]

>>17171557
Don't tell me how to live my life you thought rapist

[Anonymous No.17171564]

>>17171557
>nnnnooooo, you have to let me edit out the (You) with inspect element or bloatnetx!!!!!
You got called out. Eat shit.

[Anonymous No.17171566]

>>17171564
Samefag

[Anonymous No.17171592]

>>17164027
i screamed into the abyss. and the abyss screamed back "oink"

[Anonymous No.17171630]

>>17171519
>>17171544
I once saw the shortest most gremlin-looking guy in a kippah at the grocery store setting up a display of Hanukkah-themed gingerbread houses, and I was so pissed that I had forgotten my phone at home and couldn't take a picture. I almost wanted to ask some random person to take a picture of this, but I don't think most people would get the humour and I didn't want to explain it was for the sake of being racist on the internet.

[Anonymous No.17171639]

>>17171182
You do a recruitment drive. There's probably another brilliant sniffer out there but his nose is behind waster behind a wheel, counter or computer.

[Anonymous No.17171643]

>>17171539
lolx roflmao fuk them Xtians.
My grandma made me go to church once and when I was 20 that bitch said I should get a job damn I glad she dead.
Can I get a brofist?
*brofist*
Fuck yeah bro xD

[Anonymous No.17171652]

>>17163428
Me, if ham were Anya Taylor-Joy's butthole.

[Anonymous No.17171661]

>>17171539
Jew detected. No I won’t acknowledge your fake holiday by lumping it in with Christmas and St Nicholas day.

What’s even the point anymore? Judaism died when the Temple was destroyed.

[Anonymous No.17171681]

>>17163841
Nobody's making Iberico ketchup sammies.

[Anonymous No.17171686]

damn good thread

[Anonymous No.17171702]

damn good ham

[Anonymous No.17171705]

>>17171547
The twist is that >>17171539 and >>17171547 are actually the same fag

[Anonymous No.17171759]

>>17163428
I was going to cook a ham on Christmas eve. Then I saw how expensive they are and decided to grill some steak instead.

[Anonymous No.17171762]

ham good thread

[Anonymous No.17171775]

>>17171705
fuck you found me out. I'm also a reddit mod, not sure if that matters

[Anonymous No.17171796]

>>17171775
>not sure if that matters
It doesn't.

[Anonymous No.17171849]

>>17171775
Being real obvious.

[Anonymous No.17171868]

>>17171759
Unemployed?

[Anonymous No.17171910]

>>17164027
>>17166345

[Anonymous No.17172022]

good thread m8

[Anonymous No.17172029]

>>17171661
F*ck jews
Sniff hams

[Anonymous No.17172110]

>now let's smell Paul Allen's ham

[Anonymous No.17172135]

>>17163428
WTF Trent Reznor?

[Anonymous No.17172151]

I don't like holiday ham, I think it's pretty shit

[Anonymous No.17172752]

>>17164027
>porcine baseline

And ham-pink pigginess began to oink... An aroma of hams cured & pink, within hams cured & pink, within hams cured & pink, within one hog... And deliciously distinct against the pink, some spicy yellow mustard spread.
>Ham.
Ham.
>Have you ever been a butcher shop? Ham.
Ham.
>Do they keep you in a pen? Ham.
Ham.
>When you're not performing your duties do they glaze you in honey? Ham.
Ham.
>Cured & pink
Cured & pink.
>What's it like to taste the sandwich of some ham you sniffed? Cured & pink.
Cured & pink.
>Did they teach you how to sniff nose to snout? Cured & pink.
Cured & pink.
>Do you long for having your ham cured & pink? Cured & pink.
Cured & pink.
>What's it like to hold a piglet in your arms? Cured & pink.
Cured & pink.
>Do you feel that there's a part of you that's hungry? Cured & pink.
Cured & pink.
>Within hams cured & pink.
Within hams cured & pink.
>Why don't you say that three times: Within hams cured & pink.
Within hams cured & pink. Within hams cured & pink. Within hams cured & pink.
>We're done... Calador K, you can pick up your bonus.

[Anonymous No.17172772]

>>17172752
Top fucking kek

[Anonymous No.17172779]

>>17172752

[Anonymous No.17172780]

>>17163428
Unironically reads like an ancient onion article

[Anonymous No.17172783]

>>17164787
>Sniffer Pavel, I'm Prosciutteria.
>he wasn't alone
>you don't get to bring hams
>they are not my hams
>why would I want them?
>they are a gift for Christmas. They were made by the farmer. The ham man.
>Pablo Diego José Francisco de Bain Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano de la Sneedisima Trinidad Martyr Patricio Cilio Ruíz y Bane?
>Get 'em board, I'll call it in

>The delivery plan I just filed with the butchery lists me, my pigs and Sniffer Pavel here! But only one of you!
>FIRST ONE TO AGE GETS TO STAY ON MY SHOP! WHO SMOKED YOU TO SMELL SO GOOD?!
>HE DIDN'T TASTE SO GOOD! WHO WANT TO TRY NEXT?!
>TELL ME ABOUY BANE! WHY DOES HE BUTCHER SO GOOD?
>LOT OF LOYALTY FOR A HANGED PORK!
>Or he is wondering why someone would sniff a pork, before selling it to a shop
>At least you can talk. Who are you?
>It doesn't matter who we are, what matter is our pork. No one cared who I was until sold the pigs
>if I eat it raw, will I die?
>it would be extremely wasteful
>those are big porks
>for you
>was getting sniffed part of your plan?
>Of course. Sniffer Pavel refuse pur offer in favour of yours. We had to know how many ham he sniffed.
>1 every 20 seconds!
>well congratulations, you got yourself caught. What's the next step of your master hamming?
>Aging this hams...
>with an humidity between 75.5 and 76.5%

[Anonymous No.17172803]

>>17172752

[Anonymous No.17172835]

>>17163428
>Everyday we stray further from God's Light and closer to ham. Darkness washes over me but I can only sniff.

[Anonymous No.17172973]

>>17172752

[Anonymous No.17172983]

okay so if I want to buy a nice dry aged ham which ones are good?

[Anonymous No.17172984]

>>17163428
Christmas ham is a myth. It should be goose. Goose is good. Goose is with God. (insert pic here, but I'm still fucking around with sauce and the trussed stuff looks like crap after it has rested in the fridge). It'll look good when it's time to serve
>trust me bro
yeah, well, it will. Fuck you for not believing me and my amazing goose catering skills.
I'm up way too late doing this stuff.

[Anonymous No.17173023]

>>17171759
the secret is to go shopping just after christmas so you can buy discounted leftover hams

[Anonymous No.17173095]

>>17171592
Kek
>>17164027
>No one cared who I was until I sniffed the ham

[Anonymous No.17173103]

>>17166596
Fucking kek, oh the possibilities

[Anonymous No.17173258]

ham is overrated<span class="fortune" style="color:#7fec11">

Your fortune: You're on the nice list![/spoiler]

[Anonymous No.17173273]

>>17173258
The fortune lies. Ham may be a Christmas myth, but it is most definitely NOT overrated! (It's actually a kino Christmas roast, despite being a myth, and, though I love goose more because of its legitimate standard, the ham takes a nostalgic place of heart, which is worth more on Christmas than any other holiday). Or maybe I lied with my assertion that it's a myth? Christmas meats are just too controversial a subject for me, I guess.

[Anonymous No.17173282]

>>17164027
Kek. Certified /ck/ reads

>Captcha: KAG0N
Maravilloso thread, anons

[Anonymous No.17173313]

>>17172783
Kek

[Anonymous No.17173348]

>>17163428
they should hire a american who works at walmart instead of these piddly ass europoors

[Anonymous No.17173567]

>>17164027
>>17172752
Blessed be the holiday ham thread

[Anonymous No.17173607]

>>17170472
Soon he'll reach a stage even further than super ham sniffer
You could call it super ham sniffer 2, I guess

[Anonymous No.17173621]

>>17172984
I was promised a pic of your goose
Where is it, anon? You're not some dirty lier, are you?

[Anonymous No.17173628]

>>17172984
Is Ja/ck/ correct that goose should be eaten medium rare? I've never eaten goose before.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lv6DSIyFD8M&t

[Anonymous No.17173691]

>>17170618
>I start to ask myself...
>Why do I sniff?
>I ask myself...
>What do I sniff?
>I ask myself...
>What am I sniffing for?

>Then I see a figure, standing strong in this heavy wind scented with the smell of pork.
>I wonder for a brief second why I'm being crushed by this almighty scent of ham while he stands there calmly and looks back over his shoulder...

>"Can you keep up with me?"

[Anonymous No.17173753]

>>17164027
>>
Nice

[Anonymous No.17173802]

>I have no nose, and I must sniff

[Anonymous No.17173854]

>I am the sniffer of my nose
>Pork is my body and age is my curing
>I have sniffed over a thousand pigs
>Unknown to Death,
>Nor known to Life.
>Have withstood pain to sniff many hams
>Yet, those noses will never smell anything
>So as I pray, Unlimited Ham Works.

[Anonymous No.17173895]

>>17173854

[Anonymous No.17174814]

>>17168596
>You have one hour to sniff all the hams
>I can do it in ten minutes

[Anonymous No.17174824]

>>17163453
Not everyone can be a sniffer there are less than 10000 people in the world with the gift of sniffing

[Anonymous No.17174854]

>>17174824
>less than 10000 people in the world with the gift of sniffing
looks like I am one of gods chosen few, I been a sniffer since I hit puberty

[Anonymous No.17174919]

>>17164027
>service to salami
You crack me up among

[Anonymous No.17175637]

>>17167126
>he doesn't know

[Anonymous No.17176823]

>>17172752
amazing post<span class="fortune" style="color:#7f11ec">

Your fortune: You're getting a lump of coal in your stocking![/spoiler]

[Anonymous No.17176833]

>>17164154
can someone sort of tug at the corners of his mouth so it looks like he's happy about the smell?

[Anonymous No.17176838]

>>17176833

[Anonymous No.17177021]

>>17176833
you want him finnered? I can finner him.
compliments of /pw/

[Anonymous No.17177049]

>>17163969
>Accepting a cheap gift that you will still be taxed on

[Anonymous No.17177058]

>>17171544
>he doesn't know

[Anonymous No.17177064]

is he wearing Heathcliff HAM helmet?

[Anonymous No.17177083]

>>17177049
How would I be taxed on a ham? I wasn't that I ever noticed.

[Anonymous No.17177489]

>>17177083
You have to cut off a chunk and remember to stick it in the envelope when you files your taxes.

[Anonymous No.17177510]

>>17172752
>>17164027
Truly a Christmas Miracle.

[Anonymous No.17177550]

>>17164027
I really really like this post.

[Anonymous No.17177556]

>>17163431
Seems like a job I could apply for. I've been a professional female brap sniffer for the last decade and a half. Finally this skill will hold merit on a resume.

[Anonymous No.17177647]

>>17163841
I only put ketchup on my steak you fag<span class="fortune" style="color:#532dfc">

Your fortune: Blessed Yule![/spoiler]

[Anonymous No.17177672]

>>17164364
how does he get out?

[Anonymous No.17177703]

>>17164364
Ham yourself a merry little christmas

[Anonymous No.17177892]

>>17163428
Merry christmas OP, you blessed this board with the gift of a top tier thread.

[Anonymous No.17177901]

>>17167086
TWU

[Anonymous No.17177989]

>>17172752
god tier post

[Anonymous No.17178609]

>>17164154
GO BACK ALREADY

[Anonymous No.17178648]

>>17178609
Go back where?
Where is this place that you are so familiar with that I should go back to? /pw/? readit? twitter? letterboxd? where?
I don't even know if I've ever been desu.

[Anonymous No.17178752]

2 years in mspaint

[Anonymous No.17178778]

>>17178752
>he didn't put me in the r/4chan collage

[Anonymous No.17179261]

>>17163789
MUH SCIENCE
I FUCKING LOVE SCIENCE WOOOOO!! BING BING WAHOO SUPER MARIO BROS. AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!!! bang bang, whoosh, sproot, bang, "WATCH OUT CAP! BE CAREFUL!" Black Widow came to me, and said. heavens forbid! WATCH OUT RED SKULL THE HAM SNIFFER IS HERE

[Anonymous No.17179457]

>>17164027
I am in fucking tears anon

[Anonymous No.17179481]

>>17179261
Posts like this is what happens to people's minds after their relatives die from covid. The shame consumes them. I cry

[Anonymous No.17179524]

[Anonymous No.17180241]

How does Spain appoint a new ham sniffer when the current ham sniffer dies?

[Anonymous No.17180403]

>>17180241
A child sniffs and smells the dead body of the former sniffer. It's like the dalai lama

[Anonymous No.17180490]

>>17163428
Each atom of that scent, each savoury armoa of that age-filled porcine leg, in itself, forms a ham. The struggle itself toward the inhalations is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine sniffsiphus happy.”

[Anonymous No.17180551]

>>17164027
This is just that Invader Zim episode

[Anonymous No.17180825]

>>17177064

[Anonymous No.17180868]

>>17164027
kafkaesque

[Anonymous No.17180876]

<span class="fortune" style="color:#ec117e">

Your fortune: Happy Kwanzaa![/spoiler]

[Anonymous No.17180942]

>>17164027

[Anonymous No.17180966]

>>17163428
he needs to sniff this ham

[Anonymous No.17180973]

>>17168596
Ah, but the test is merely the last act of this man's journey. What tribulations, what harrowing tales could be woven of our sniffer's training, of what made him the ten-minute nostril genius we know him as today.

[Anonymous No.17181240]

>>17172135
>The Downward Spiral Ham

[Anonymous No.17181359]

>>17163428
Oh boo fucking hoo that poor spaniard, im a surströmming sniffer.

[Anonymous No.17181423]

>>17164027
(USER WAS HAMMED FOR THIS POST)

[Anonymous No.17181494]

>>17171681
True, most can only dream of such decadence

[Anonymous No.17181499]

>>17181359
i had to do a maintenance gig at a bbq sauce factory above the giant pots and it was hell. i still shudder when i smell liquid smoke

[Anonymous No.17181522]

>>17164027
>Imagine if you will a smell, a smell which holds the infinitesimal nuances leading towards ham perfection, you follow this scent, leading you into... The Porky Zone.

[Anonymous No.17181541]

>>17166776
That's how homicides happen

[Anonymous No.17181550]

>>17167136
PIGGER

[Anonymous No.17181553]

>>17167164
Kek

[Anonymous No.17181561]

>>17167873
He has to hand in his nose on retirement

[Anonymous No.17181607]

>>17174814
>>17170787
>That's Mr. Vega. The man's a legend...
Screen zooms onto picture of senior Vega sniffing a ham
>...they say he passed the ham sniffing test in under 10 minutes...
>God damn!
>...he was presumed dead from a curing accident until our agency spotted him in Barcelona. He appears to be sniffing for the Chinese now...
>Looks like old habits die hard.
>you need to take him out. But be careful agent, he's dangerous!

[Anonymous No.17181621]

>>17173607

[Anonymous No.17181640]

>>17170618
The hams I have sniffed before me...
The pork that will come after me...
They form a double helix of a spiral cut ham slicing a path towards tomorrow. And that's pork perfection! That's IBERIAN HAM!

[Anonymous No.17181646]

>>17171652
Same but with Natalie's porthole

[Anonymous No.17181667]

>>17178752
>ZOOMED HAMS

[Anonymous No.17181935]

>>17164364
got any gabagool back there chief?

[Anonymous No.17182125]

>>17180876
sleep tight oinker

[Anonymous No.17182447]

>>17163428

[Anonymous No.17182673]

>>17163774
>>17163813
Just don't forget to have a professional sniffer come by to check it's safe to eat. Ham related deaths are horrifingly common