Charcuterie

[Anonymous No.16755217]

I told my family I'd make a charcuterie board for the party this weekend.
>Mfw it's not just cheese and crackers

Help a retarded nigger make a charcuterie board that compliments a steak dinner.

[Anonymous No.16755224]

Your family knows who you are. They won't expect much out of you.

[Anonymous No.16755243]

>>16755217
Just buy some cured meats and sausages and arrange them nicely with the cheese and the crackers.
A sliced baguette as well.
Your family aren't experts on fancy coldcuts anyway, right?

Throw some grapes and some other fruits in there too. Figs and apples and such.

[Anonymous No.16755293]

>>16755224
Rude.
>>16755243
Idk. I have the pallette of a child. Pepperoni and cheddar on a Ritz cracker would be good for me.

[Anonymous No.16755303]

i've seen brie, fresh fruit/berries. almonds/walnuts/cashews. 2-3 different types of crackers, salami, prosciutto, and as
>>16755243
mentioned, cured meats and sausages with a sliced baguette as well. of course this is all dependent on your budget. don't go to the extremes if you can't afford it.

[Anonymous No.16755331]

>>16755217
nigga google. google, nigga.

[Anonymous No.16755349]

is your family really that fancy or would they rather enjoy pepperoni and crackers.

[Anonymous No.16755378]

>>16755349
Hormel products are eaten by either retards or fat idiots

[Anonymous No.16755383]

>>16755349
OP here, this is ideal for me personally. BUT, I want to flex on those losers and and show them my 5 years in art college was not a waste of $240k

[Anonymous No.16755410]

>>16755383
Oh yeah, I was like that once when I was in college. Trying to look sophisticated but knowing inside that I'm not.

I'm old now, and come to the understanding that nothing is a bigger flex than being unapologetically true to yourself.

[Anonymous No.16755434]

>>16755293
>I have the pallette of a child. Pepperoni and cheddar on a Ritz cracker would be good for me.
You're a retarded fucking faggot m8, hope you die

[Anonymous No.16755640]

>>16755410
Based and confidence-pilled.

[Anonymous No.16755931]

>>16755217
Get a couple of different cured meats, couple of different cheeses that aren't completely trash. Pickles, bread, and fresh fruit (apple or pears really) to complement the cheese selection. All done OP

[Anonymous No.16755940]

>charcuterie
>cheese and crackers
please google what charcuterie is
I think you want to make a charcuterie and cheese board, which still isn't really accurate but still better and more accepted

[Anonymous No.16755951]

>>16755243
Nigga you gotta toss in some good olives too.

[Anonymous No.16755966]

>>16755383
You're saying you spent $240k and 5 years on college just to learn to come to this half-dead board and expect people to give you a guide you could look up yourself in less than 5 minutes?

[Anonymous No.16755986]

>>16755966
After another thought OP admitted he's a retarded nigger so perhaps I shouldn't expect much.

[Anonymous No.16756090]

just do it teenage girl style. go to a store that sells block cheese and sausage or whatever, grab a bunch of random shit, including cold cuts and grapes. cut it up and make it look pretty. $150 later you’ve got a pinterest-ready charcuterie board

[Anonymous No.16756105]

>>16755217
go to whole foods, they have fancy premade boards for like $20-$30

[Anonymous No.16756880]

>>16755217
fucken yeah nah cunt just chuck the following together
>hot salami
>gabagool (capricossa)
>procioutto
>decent ham
>cherry tomatos
>grapes
>basil
>red leicester
>boccoccini
>pitted olives
>2 types of crackers
>croutons
simple as, just arrange it on a board or an old road sign or something

[Anonymous No.16756891]

>>16755217
>charcuterie
>cheese
You’re a fucking idiot.

[Anonymous No.16756904]

>>16755217
I make cheese and charcuterie every day in my kitchen. In a pinch head to the butcher shop, get some chorizo and one or two other dried salami. Make sure the flavor profiles are different, this why I like the chorizo. Add dried or fresh figs, grapes, dried fruit, crackers, and a stone ground mustard.

[Anonymous No.16756912]

>>16755217
>google images charcuterie board
>find one with stuff you can afford and identify
>buy the stuff you need
>get a big platter
>arrange it orderly on the platter
>wrap it in plastic wrap and put it in the fridge if you make it in advance

[Anonymous No.16756914]

>>16755383
draw fuckin picture of a charcuterie board for them and call them fat

[Anonymous No.16757447]

>>16756891
>>16756891
>>16756891
>>16756891
>>16756891
shhh nobody tell him

[Anonymous No.16757464]

>>16755217
Say in which country you are it will determine which products will be available to you

[Anonymous No.16757551]

>>16756880
>No pickles
Fuck me cunt you're setting him up for failure

[Anonymous No.16757588]

cheeses nuts small toast olives grapes some kind of pickled thing small bowls with oil/vinegar in for dipping
i highly recommend figs if your budget allows
for the meats
do NOT get chorizo
sauccisson, salami, mortadella, serrano or parma ham
porchetta is a fancy option, but make sure you have the others first
t. charcuterie board direction executive

[Anonymous No.16757858]

Charcuterie boards don't compliment a steak dinner at all.

Make a cocktail sauce and serve it with radishes, raw carrots and cauliflower.

Buy or make stuffed mini-bell peppers and olives, get artichokes in olive oil. Let them sit on kitchen paper for 10 minutes before you serve.

Buy or make celery salt and serve with diced young Gouda-style cheese on toothpicks.

Dice feta, drizzle olive oil, sprinkle Provençal herbs (or a curry blend, Mexican spice mix,...).

If you really want cured meat get a melon, red Porto and Parma ham. Marinade diced melon in Porto, wrap in ham, serve ready on toothpicks (never with toothpicks on the side, people suck at pricking things on toothpicks).

An alternative (if there aren't any kids) is carpaccio: paper thin slices of raw beef, rucola, freshly (potato)peeled parmezan cheese, vinaigrette at the last moment: olive oil, lemon juice, salt and freshly ground pepper. Add a knife's point of truffle peeling/powder or a few salmon eggs for a twist.

[Anonymous No.16758202]

Tell me you're basic without telling me you're basic

[Anonymous No.16759191]

>>16755217
buts, a sauce, dried fruit like figs and dates and apricots, small and thin slices of slightly folded cuts of smoked/cured pork, caviar. it's more important what you put it on that what is on it.

[Anonymous No.16759202]

>>16755293
just show up with an assortment of lunchables

[Anonymous No.16759274]

>>16757551
really? dont think ive ever seen pickles on one. would be nice tho

[Anonymous No.16759284]

>>16758202
She better not have a dick

[Anonymous No.16759318]

>>16755217

Buy:
>Parma ham
>salami Milan
>mortadella
>bresola
>prosciutto cotton
>big fat olives
>mix oil and balsamic in a bowl to serve with bread
>some grapes and figs like the other anon said
???????
>profit

It's that easy you massive melt

[Anonymous No.16760150]

>>16759274
Used to do all kinds when I was working in restaurants, whichever house pickles were abundant

[Anonymous No.16761120]

>>16759274
>>16760150
Side note that might be relevant: I was let go in part due to putting pickles on charcuterie boards and the wall decor.