What a Fedora Imagines When he Orders Black Coffee

[Anonymous No.16593916]

>*A portly fellow in a flame shirt waddles to the counter of a Starbucks*
>"What would you like sir?"
>*The atheist squints around the coffee bar, his hands at the sides of his khaki shorts like he had two holsters. With one hand he expertly pulls out his wallet and with the other, he brings the tip of his hat down before placing his order*
>"Coffee. Black."
>*A hush falls over the patrons and staff. Women gush in their panties as whispers from men can't believe what's transpiring. The barista looks like he's about to faint, his grip on the cup furiously shaking as he slides it over the counter to our hero. If this order is taking place in the ghetto, several black people go DAAAAAAAAAAAMN*
>*The cheetoh avenger slaps down a sticky five and a quarter with his hamhock fist before mumbling to no one that they should "keep the change", knowing he's a far more euphoric human being than people that put sugar or milk in their coffee*

Don't worry dauntless fans of this sodium-hearted man of action, he'll be back in next weeks tantalizing issue, "I'll Have EVERYTHING With Bacon..."

[Anonymous No.16593923]

>>16593916
I don't think anyone thinks like this.

[Anonymous No.16593926]

>>16593923
Black coffee drinkers unironically act like they cured cancer

[Anonymous No.16593927]

>>16593916
>going to starbucks to order a black coffee

[Anonymous No.16593931]

>>16593916
>Orders Black Coffee
But no one "orders black coffee." You order a house coffee, or an Americano, and when the barista asks if you want room for cream then you say no. It's really that simple.

[Anonymous No.16593950]

>>16593916

[Anonymous No.16593958]

>>16593916
>going to starbucks

[Anonymous No.16593963]

>>16593916
>"Room for cream, sir?"

[Anonymous No.16593964]

>>16593926
projection

[Anonymous No.16593968]

>>16593950
Based and truthpilled (I got into tea because Raven from the TT show was into it)

[Anonymous No.16594028]

>>16593916
Lol still coping from the other thread?

[Anonymous No.16594039]

>>16593916
I don't like my drinks to be too sweet, I'll even order water sometimes. I just like the taste better. I don't care too much about image. That said, the fat fucks on the right probably order the largest, most sugary version of everything.

[Anonymous No.16594047]

>me leaving the 'bucks after ordering a venti black cuppa

[Anonymous No.16594049]

I only drink water or alcohol
tea, coffee, juice, sugary drinks etc. are for women, children, and faggots

[Anonymous No.16594056]

>>16594049
Now that's a fedora opinion. Let me guess, all the real men died in the 1940s.

[Anonymous No.16594071]

>>16593916
Whole lotta soy in your latte huh?

[Anonymous No.16594086]

I usually just make my own coffee, I'll fill half a big thermos with strong black coffee, and the rest of the way with coca cola and ice. Plenty of sugar, plenty of caffeine, the coffee actually cuts through the sickly sweet Coke and makes it palatable. I was pissed when I saw coke making coffee drinks, are they the same thing as what I already make for myself?

[Anonymous No.16594094]

>>16593963
>N-not even any sweetener?

[Anonymous No.16594104]

>>16594056
>Now that's a fedora opinion. Let me guess, all the real men died in the 1940s.
no, people are pretty much the same as always - mostly vain and stupid

[Anonymous No.16594106]

What even is this thread?

[Anonymous No.16594117]

>>16593931
>he doesn't get his coffee from the McDonald's drive thru

[Anonymous No.16594124]

>>16594106
Insecurity put into words.

[Anonymous No.16594139]

>>16594106
americans act butthurt at people who drink their coffee black. Its a very weird phenomenon that I noticed during my time there. I have not being able to come up with an explanation yet.
The act of ordering coffee black is paramount to pulling out your dick and slapping it on the counter, in a sense OP is right on the money.

[Anonymous No.16594140]

I drink black coffee because I like the taste.

[Anonymous No.16594143]

I drink black coffee cause I can't be assed to hope the person behind the counter doesn't fuck it up

[Anonymous No.16594145]

>>16593927
its the only place near me with an espresso machine, the only place I can get an americano. If I had counter space I'd get my own, but alas

[Anonymous No.16594163]

>insist I add sugar

[Anonymous No.16594168]

>>16594049
Also milk because I'm hwite

[Anonymous No.16594176]

>>16594139
contd. The best I have being able to come up is that since america is all looks and no substance, eg flashy huge houses that need full renovation every 5 years.
"Americano" coffee that is normal coffee diluted in water and then even further with milk/cream, once they see a sane person ordering regular aka black coffee their mind is suddenly aware of how empty everything around them is and in response lashes out at the black coffee drinker to preserve its worldview.

[Anonymous No.16594197]

>>16593923
OP needs to step outside and work with his hands once in a while. This level of internet obsession is borderline schitzo.

[Anonymous No.16594211]

>>16594106
People falling for an ancient copypasta.
You can tell it's ancient because of the way it uses fedora

[Anonymous No.16594242]

If I order coffee, which is rare, I usually just ask for a few cubes of ice to cool it down.

[Anonymous No.16594252]

only 4chan can be this faggy and self conscious about ordering a coffee lmao

[Anonymous No.16594275]

>>16593916
do fedora wearers even exist today? Seems like all the memes that shit on them has forever ruined it for them

[Anonymous No.16594282]

>>16594176
Nah, it just doesn't make any sense to go to a coffee shop and order any kind of regular coffee, even if you use cream and sugar. You go to a cafe for espresso and espresso based drinks, like a cappuccino or a latte. I mean, yeah, they usually sell plain coffee but do you not have a coffee machine at home? Or a french press if you're a faggot? I don't have an espresso machine.

[Anonymous No.16594283]

>>16593916

It's mostly boomers where I work.

[Anonymous No.16594426]

>>16593916
whenever i get my two shots of espresso over ice and the barista has to clarify "no milk or sugar?" i can tell they visibly get wet

[Anonymous No.16594481]

Man, I just want a plain, normal ass coffee without sugar or cream because it's too sweet and/or creamy. I'm not trying to make a statement.

[Anonymous No.16594528]

I literally just order it black so I don't drink too much and 82make myself jittery.

[Anonymous No.16594538]

>>16593926
I don't want a milkshake I just want a coffee.

[Anonymous No.16594547]

>>16594176
>using two posts to spaz about americans
pathetic

[Anonymous No.16594554]

I drink tea black out of laziness.
The taste is barely ok.

also everyone who fell for this ancient pasta is a retard

[Anonymous No.16594629]

Just cream please, after all, I ea enough sugar as is

[Anonymous No.16594632]

>>16593916
Christ, the absolute insecurity of this post. I like black coffee because adding sugar upsets my stomach? I'm not trying to be a tough guy, I just have a higher tolerance for bitterness than sweetness. If I wanted to flex how hardboiled I am, I'd take my coffee the way you drink it and muscle through feeling queasy all morning.

[Anonymous No.16594647]

How is black an indicator of sugar and not cream/milk ?
explain this to me amerilards, because I have had IRL arguments with people telling me that coffee is not "black" if there is sugar in it

[Anonymous No.16594650]

>>16593916
Only normie faggots go to Starbucks.
Your entire scenario is retarded.

[Anonymous No.16594653]

>>16594145
Stop being poor.
Or better yet, stop being.

[Anonymous No.16594655]

>>16594647
Black typically implies no cream or sugar. You can argue semantics that sugar doesn't change the color, but the color isn't what you're concerned about when you're ordering "black".

[Anonymous No.16594661]

>>16594655
well that makes no sense, which is exactly what I expected. Thanks

[Anonymous No.16594667]

>>16594661
When someone orders their whiskey "on the rocks" and they're served whiskey with ice instead of chunks of rock, do you get confused?

[Anonymous No.16594673]

>>16594667
its not the same and if you cant comprehend this than there is no point in arguing

[Anonymous No.16594685]

>>16594673
Yes it is. When you're ordering drinks, be it at a bar or cafe, there are terminology that aren't necessarily supposed to be taken literally. If you can understand that ordering liquor on the rocks means you want it on ice, you can understand that ordering coffee black means you don't want them to put anything in it.

[Anonymous No.16594690]

>>16593916
Think of this
>My coffee sucks
>I don't want to make it, or I can't bc I'm running late for work.
>Maybe a friend or family member (let's be honest no one wants me sexually/romantically) wants to go for coffee.
>I'm already fat and diabetic, the last thing I need is more calories or refined sugar in my diet.
>What would you like?
>Black coffee please.
>Some weirdo decides that I think I'm badass because I'm trying to lose weight.
>Unsurprisingly a coping fat who can't avoid sugar, artificial sweetener or self-indulgence.
>He probably thinks it's weird that I eat two strips of bacon an egg and maybe some yogurt. Instead of oatmeal with heaps of pure sugar mixed in, or cereal doused in milk.

[Anonymous No.16594700]

>>16594685
>be sick of people putting milk or cream in my coffee without asking
> I WANT COFFEE BLACK 2 SUGAR
>AAH IT CANT BE BLACK WITH SUGAR BLAH BLAH BLAH
sure, it totally makes sense

[Anonymous No.16594724]

>>16594700
I'm sure they'll understand what you mean by that, but it's like ordering whiskey "neat on the rocks", your bartender will understand what you mean, he'll just snicker behind your back.
Or you could just order it "coffee, sugar, no cream" like a normal person. What a bizarre thing to get worked up about.

[Anonymous No.16594740]

>>16594724
Its not the same as coffee has 2 variables being milk and sugar, one of which drastically changes the DEFAULT BLACK COLOR . Describing " No sugar" as "black" is retarded.
eh whatever

[Anonymous No.16594749]

I always drink coffee with milk and sugar, fuck these black coffee faggots.

[Anonymous No.16594752]

>>16593916
cute doggo

[Anonymous No.16594773]

>>16594740
Bro I didn't make up coffee order vocabulary, I'm just relaying to you that you're wrong. If you think you can put caramel syrups and pumpkin spice and all sorts of shit in coffee and still consider it "black" because technically it didn't change the color, that's a you-problem when people think you're retarded for it.

[Anonymous No.16594784]

>>16594773
if you see me ordering caramel pumpkin spice lattee, just take me out the back and shoot me

[Anonymous No.16594806]

>>16594275
The only people I see wearing fedoras nowadays are 50+ men or people who look insane rather than pathetic.

[Anonymous No.16594838]

Starbucks coffee doesn't taste any better than my Davidoff rich aroma instant.

[Anonymous No.16595052]

>think it's funny when someone takes copypasta seriously and responds to it
>start to feel sad when you see dozens of people doing it
anyone else?

[Anonymous No.16595065]

>see someone who is clearly overweight
>"lol can't wait to see the sweet monstrosity they order"
>they walk away with something other than two pounds of sugar dissolved in a pint of double cream
>"WHAT A FUCKING FEDORA LORD I CAN'T BELIEVE THE GALL OF THIS FAT SACK OF SELF-RIGHTEOUS SHIT"
Is there any more egregious example of crab mentality than people watching others trying to fight their sugar addiction?

[Anonymous No.16595088]

Fuck this pasta is old. Been forever since I've seen it