/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.15644003]

>try to buy some veggies
>get randomly selected to battle supermarket lobster
>all the workers and customers stop dead in their heels to watch us duke it out
>all the black people take their phones out and start screeching
>all the girls give me a doubtful stare and giggle amongst themselves while staring at me
so fucking embarrassing, and people wonder why I order my groceries online.

[Anonymous No.15645630]

That sucks anon, but every time I order online I end up being the hundredth customer so they send me these bonus extradimensional portals with purchase. Ive got so many of the damn things that I dont know what to do with them, so Ive started throwing them over the supermarket lobsters now when I go into the store. Solves two problems at once for me, I could send you a few if you like OP.

[Anonymous No.15645666]

>>15645630
Kettle cooked chips fucking suck

[Anonymous No.15645672]

I could have sworn that was Tom. No going to battle any fucker who took out an Intruder. Not sure what he would have against me other than watching subs. Can't we split a bottle of hard liquor with some roast yams or a pizza and some Outlaw Star or something.

[Anonymous No.15645677]

Sexual deviants should be shot on sight in public.
Keep that weird shit in your private residence.

[Anonymous No.15645698]

>>15644003
Stop taking LSD and spamming my board fren

[Anonymous No.15645769]

>>15644003
how often do you win

[Anonymous No.15645776]

>>15644003
I wanna fuck that lobster

[Anonymous No.15645816]

>go to Publix
>hot deli girl working
>Hey Anon, hope you are doing good
>Makes my boar's head italian sub
>Talking about movies, tell her about The Warriors.
>Anon, I get off in 15 minutes if you want to Netflix and chill.
>Finally going to kino and sex
>She glances in my basket
>Have 10 cucumbers, 5 boxes of condoms, and two big bottles of lubricant
>Umm, sorry Anon, I forgot I have an exam tomorrow I need to study for.
>Quickly leaves the store
>Holding my sub wondering who put this shit in my cart
>Publix jester pops out from behind the deli counter
>"Publix encourages abstinence sir"
>Fucking Publix jester

[Anonymous No.15645848]

>>15645816
Hate it all you want, it was a great move up from deli for me when I worked there. I got better hours, a small pay bump and less cleaning and it was fun clowning on chuckle fucks like you

[Anonymous No.15645859]

>Get injured at the gym dealing with the gym clown's shenanigans
>Go to the supermarket and get suplexed by the supermarket lobster

[Anonymous No.15645873]

>>15644003
>store closes at 12:00 am
>hungry as shit so I decide to get there before it closes for a late night snack
>get there and head for the frozen foods isle, pick myself up a small apple pie and some pizza bites
>its 11:45 am
>still have time to pay for my shit and leave
>store intercom suddenly goes off
>"attention all shoppers, the store will be closing soon. Please vacate the premises immediately"
>they let the fucking grocery ghouls out even though they’re legally supposed to do it at 11:55 am
>I'm all the way at the back of the store
>I can already hear them shuffling about, looking for stragglers
Not tonight, not fucking tonight

[Anonymous No.15645911]

>>15645873
>His grocery store is so cheap, they use a necromancer
>Why not a goblin squad like in the inner city?
>tfw your grocery store has a wizard for security and shortages

[Anonymous No.15645923]

>>15644003
Why does the lobster have boobs?

[Anonymous No.15645941]

>>15645923
Paizuri

[Anonymous No.15645950]

>>15645923

[Anonymous No.15645966]

>>15644003
The only part about this I have trouble believing is that you went to the store for vegetables

[Anonymous No.15645994]

>at supermarket
>want chippies, realize they are out of the flavor I cravor
>"excuse me, do you have brand in stock?"
>an overwhelming fear strikes deep into his soul
>"sir, are you sure about this"
>I nod, unwilling to leave without my beloved snacks
>I follow him into the backroom, other workers stopping in the tracks as we pass. we come to a large wooden door shrouded in darkness at the end of the hall.
>the worker lifted the heavy key ring from his belt, each form of metal clinging against one another as he searched through them. He found the key, and all was quiet except the dull wind escaping from the door

"Anon, are you sure about this? There are other chips; you do not have to go through with this." The worker had desperation in his voice; fearing for his own life, as well as mine.

With confidence I spoke. "Listen-" I placed my hand onto him shoulder softly- his attention went from his thoughts to me. "- we are here because we understand the risks; we know what lies beyond that door, and we signed up for this because we know who we are, and what we are capable of. We can do this! Together!" I placed my hand on his other shoulder and smiled. He smiled back. "We can do this."

"Yeah, anon-" He left out a small chuckle, looked into my eyes and nodded."We can." He handed me a pulse rifle from the wall, and went straight to the door. He struck the key into the hole, and turned it with one swift motion. The mechanisms churned with might as the door's lock was released, and it slowly eased open before us. The worker grabbed a rifle for himself, and reached out for my hand. I gently felt his fingers before holding his hand to mind.

"You ready, anon." He said, with a sly look.

"I am ready. For ketchup flavor!" I shouted and raised my gun!

He raised his gun high. "FOR KETCHUP!"

Into the darkness we went, knowing that our lives are worth the taste of a superior chip. Never settle, for bravery brings flavor.

[Anonymous No.15645997]

>>15645994
>ketchup flavor
I hope you get murdered by a fucking crypt crab

[Anonymous No.15646005]

Sure is reddit in here

[Anonymous No.15646015]

>>15645923
why wouldn't it? Have you even shopped for groceries, before?

[Anonymous No.15646462]

>>15645666
but they're the best chip type?

[Anonymous No.15646496]

>>15645677
This.

[Anonymous No.15646715]

>at the grocery store
>nervously walking through the aisles
>looking over my shoulder
>I know it's coming
>time passes, I grab my last few items
>starting to calm down, I was worrying over nothing
>start walking toward the checkout
>all of a sudden I hear it
>"HEE HEE HA HA HOOOO HAHA HEE"
>oh no
>out of nowhere the grocery store jester jumps out from behind the cheese ball display
>I try to run but there's no use
>he grabs me and pushes me to the ground
>yanks down my pants and spanks my ass red
>I'm humiliated, getting up off the floor
>forgot to use coupons at the checkout due to PTSD
Should I talk to a therapist or what? Could use some advice on dealing with this guy.

[Anonymous No.15646766]

>>15645873
You'll be fine anon, it's only 11:45 am. 12 am wont happen for over 12 hours.
Those are probably just old people. and the supermarket lobster is just fucking with the intercom

[Anonymous No.15646785]

>>15646462
He's satan, don't listen to him, just look at those digits!

[Anonymous No.15646788]

>>15644003
Looks sexually degenerate, got any more?

[Anonymous No.15646815]

>>15645677
agreed

[Anonymous No.15646848]

>Walking through the store
>No bullshit's happening
>Fill up my cart and make it to the checkout line
>Sudden tap on my shoulder
>It's the fucking Grocery Wizard
>"Unpackaged protein, you do lack"
>"And so I must contrive"
>"Your chicken breasts"
>"Are now chicken nests"
>"And cost one-hundred five!"
>Look down and my cart is full of fucking nests with chickens clucking and shitting everywhere
>Grocery Wizard instantly teleports away
>Grocery bill is $700

[Anonymous No.15647396]

>store actually has an aisle monitor to make sure people are following the floor arrows during covid

[Anonymous No.15647433]

>>15645923
Those are pecs

[Anonymous No.15647450]

>>15647396
>be in the front of a group of people forced to file through the aisle in only one direction
>rip silent but deadlies the whole way through
>whole crowd is forced to remain in my putrid cloud

[Anonymous No.15647465]

>>15645911
dude fuck grocery necromancers
>making a stop off at the store for some snacks
>hear a fucking explosion from the necromancer's room by the milk section
>the absolute moron wanted to "try something new" and summoned hounds of tindalos
>watch as like 5 people get their fluids drained and raped to death by non-euclidean transdimentional beings because they looked around the corner
>didnt even fire the guy or compensate the customers for having to bring in the exorcist squad

[Anonymous No.15647474]

>>15645923
save up gbp and find out

[Anonymous No.15647495]

>Decide I want to go buy some groceries
>The wal-mart greeter says "welcome to wal-mart" while flashing his gun
>I see a few things I'm trying to get, but the entire aisle is blocked by 3 fat people on disability scooters, they had to stop to eat some McDonald's™
>I decided to go around, turning this entire 2 minute shopping trip into a 20 minute adventure
>There's someone trying to return an obviously stolen laptop
>There's someone sampling the produce by eating an entire banana with the peel on
>There's someone desperately trying to climb back in their Wal-Mart™ scooter
>I finally find the items I want, but get knocked off balance after someone threw a pie at my face
>The aisle jester runs off, giggling

[Anonymous No.15647531]

[Anonymous No.15647542]

>>15644003
Fake, you didn't mention the part where the jester pulled down your pants

[Anonymous No.15647656]

>>15645873

[Anonymous No.15648306]

>>15644003
I thought this was the toonami guy

[Anonymous No.15648310]

>>15644003
Do people really have a lobster dress-up fetish?

[Anonymous No.15648324]

>>15648310
n- no..

[Anonymous No.15648354]

>>15648310

It looks like a Power Rangers monster of the week, so I assume its a Kamen Rider or Super Sentai promotion in Japen.

[Anonymous No.15648479]

>>15644003
>down at the Wegmans hoping to get a nice sandwich lunch break
>get my sandwich, pay and leave
>realize I forgot to get milk, go back inside
>as I pass the entrance bunker an employee gives me a funny look from down a side trench
>"You gonna pay for that food there sugar?"
>"I already paid for it, haha. Forgot the milk"
>she gives me a funny look, clearly skeptical
>dairy section is across the store beyond no-mans-land (vegetarian section)
>line up with the rest of the shoppers, all of us clearly nervous
>grocery sergeant eyes us as he passes down the line
>I raise my necklace of clipped coupons to my lips for good luck
>the whistle blows and we go over the top
>elderly couple next to me instantly killed by machine gun fire from paper towel pillbox
>follow an instacart shopper speeding through his order, he knows this place better than anyone
>in his haste he doesn't see the tripping hazard marked minefield, paying no heed to the yellow plastic signage
>when the smoke clears I find his broken body in a bloody heap
>I hold his hand as he sputters out words through a ragged bloody cough
>"f-finish the mission"
>b-but sir i-ii can't. I don't know ho-"
>"FINISH THE MISSION"
>he pushes a small item into my hand, an iPhone at 9% battery
>his body falls limp
>I know what I must do
>waiting for nightfall I advance up the aisles hitting poptarts, mayonnaise, 3 boxes of Franzia and 20lbs of parboiled rice
>finally I can go home, away from the front
>scuttling back through the darkness I spy a glint of light in the distance
>suddenly a spotlight flickers to life, then another
>they're Looking for me, yes I've made it!
>the theft deterrent howitzer siren begins to wail
>I run as fast as I can ignoring the top shelf snipers
>a hot force picks me up off the ground and throws me high in the air
>the world goes dark
>in my fading consciousness I see a cute cashier standing over me
>I finished the mission, I did good
>mfw I forgot the milk

[Anonymous No.15648481]

>>15648479
>mfw forgot mfw

[Anonymous No.15648574]

>>15644003
I like the taste of the live shrimp in the tank. But I can't stand how they make the ones you want crawl all over you in the kiddie pool behind the service desk

[Anonymous No.15650052]

>>15647495
best in thread

[Anonymous No.15650081]

>out getting my daily two cans of sardines because of commie-rationing
>armed grocery guards are patrolling the three-block line up to enter the store
>lardo social distancing warrior standing 2 metres in front of me loudly tries to virtue signal whenever a grocery guard comes by
>"I am SOO thankful for you guys helping #flattenthecurve!"
>next time the grocery guards come by, I point at her and yell:
>"OFFICER, THIS WOMAN STOOD WITHIN 2 METRES OF ME!"
>grocery guard bruiser shoulder tackles her to the pavement
>bottles of hand-sanitizer spill out of her purse
>"SHE'S HOARDING HAND-SANITIZER! GET HER!"
>line up turns into a mob riot as everyone scrambles to steal this social distancing warrior's bottles of home-brewed hand sanitizer
>I sneak to the front of the line and past the grocery guards
>grab my two cans of sardines
>head through self checkout to pay for my purchase
>set down my cans in the bagging area as I pull out my wallet and pay for them
>pull my card out of the reader, it's covered in black ink
>I go to retrieve my cans
>the entire bagging area is covered in a puddle of superglue
>receipt dispenser whirs before ejecting a fifteen mile long wad of coupons straight into my groin
Essential service, my ass...

[bruce No.15650166]

>go to Stop and Shop
>see Robert the Rape Robot slowly approaching out of the corner of my eye
>throw fedora in its path to stop it
>pull pocket katana out of my trenchcoat
>rub energy crystals in my pocket with one hand, assault the Rape Bot with the other
>defeat the feisty fiend!
>other shoppers cheer and pick me up in their arms
>hailed as a Hero
>"I'm just a regular man, I put my cargo pants one leg at a time"
>the crowd goes absolutely insane
>they drop me and start clawing at each other in a moment of sheer madness and chaos
>old men and children get trampled into a gelatinous goo of flesh
>I walk out without paying for my pizza rolls and hot pockets
>just another day as a Christian hero

[Anonymous No.15650169]

>>15646462
No they aren't. They're too damn hard and hurt your teeth.

[Anonymous No.15650273]

>when the supermarket jester gets gun-down in an armed robbery
Gonna miss that lil fella

[Anonymous No.15650288]

>>15650273
>Implying that wasn't just part of his ruse
He's gonna shove a carton of eggs down your pants next time you visit, happened to me. Classic prank.

[bruce No.15650311]

>>15650169
>he has soft teeth

[Anonymous No.15650932]

[Anonymous No.15650994]

>>15644003
This is why I always have a gun

[Anonymous No.15651019]

>>15645994
>flavor I cravor
kek'd

[Anonymous No.15651097]

>>15644003
>be me
>go grocery shopping one day looking for the essentials
>wander up and down the aisles aimlessly because I can't find anything that I'm looking for
>while scanning the shelves I'm suddenly startled by a Jew
>his beady eyes and long snout pierce my gentile soul to it's core
>realize that there is a group of Jews staring at me
>get nervous and try to escape
>I'm surrounded by glass walls and can't escape
>The stench of failed dreams surrounds me like the scent of a carnival
>The staring of those Jews and my own hysteria finally overtake me and I pass out
>Awaken to a clerk begging me to wake up
>regain my bearings but my eyes quickly scan towards the direction of my semitic tormentors
>notice a hastily scrawled message on the entrance to their lair
>"Feeder rats: 2/$1.00"
>See cats, dogs, birds on the shelves
>I was shopping for groceries at a pet store
>mfw

[Anonymous No.15651144]

>out of eggs
>just quickly duck in to supermarket
>don't look at the programme because I'll just be in and out
>bee line for the egg aisle
>grab a dozen
>head for the checkouts
>bit of a queue
>suddenly spotlight on me and two others
>one of them has this smug grin and obviously gets off on this bullshit
>shoppers take their seats
>ok maybe I can wing it
>start sweating
>other two look at me expectantly
>gonna have to take a guess
>Whe- When shall we three meet again, i- in thunder, lightning, rain?
>silence
>smug prick glaring at me like I don't deserve to be there
>oh fuck
>guy in the back start booing
>more booing
>teenagers skulking around probably only here to shoplift marker pens and white out start throwing stuff from the stationery aisle
>everyone else joins with whatever they have in their baskets
>dodge a carton of orange juice
>cop a tomato on the side of my head
>a scrunched up programme lands at my feet
>it was King Lear tonight
>slink off filthy and ashamed, trying to hide my face
>ushers confiscate my eggs on the way out

[Anonymous No.15651191]

>>15646848
https://voca.ro/14DyppwD3YAc

[Anonymous No.15651224]

You fuckin guys and your wild imaginations, the shit posted is killing me. :^)
>>15651191
Calculating audio has a 90% of making me laugh and punch my desk while a little piss comes

[Anonymous No.15651248]

What the fuck is all this supermarket lobster jester larping?

[Anonymous No.15651249]

>>15651224
Thanks, I couldn't read that bit without hearing that voice in my head, that anon had the best story, only grocery ghouls comes close.

[Anonymous No.15651255]

>>15651248
Newfriend detected. This kind of shit is what made 4chan remotely good, but go ahead and continue being super serious.

[Anonymous No.15651267]

>>15651255
Nigga I've been on 4chan for nearly 10 years and I haven't seen fuck all about supermarket jesters

[Anonymous No.15651272]

>>15651267
Shit, I've been here for nearly a decade, where'd I go?

[Anonymous No.15651288]

>>15651267
>He's never been pranked by the supermarket jester, even after all this time
It's almost as bad as if you were still a virgin.

[Anonymous No.15651304]

>>15651288
I don't know what you mean my supermarket jesters. Is this some dumb american thing?

[Anonymous No.15651325]

>>15651304
>Imagine being such a loser that even the supermarket jester doesn't mess with you
Every supermarket in the world has a supermarket jester, you dunce.

[Anonymous No.15651345]

>>15651325
>Every supermarket in the world has a supermarket jester, you dunce.
No it doesn't, I don't see a Tesco tickler or a Morrisons molester. You're talking shit

[Anonymous No.15651355]

>>15651345
>he hasnt been chosen
literal NPC
you know you've got it bad when even the supermarket jester dosen't know you exist.

[Anonymous No.15651363]

>>15645966
kek

[Anonymous No.15651365]

>>15651345
Damn bro, even I got touched by the Tesco Tickler, and I was only in London for a few days on vacation. You lead a sad life, I'll pray for you.

[Anonymous No.15651366]

>>15651304
It's all real anon, the super market wizards, alchemists, jesters, necromancers, robots and even vampires in large city where some super markets are open 24hrs stores 7 days a week. Another thing, clipped coupons necklaces can be a life saver, ward off these things, but not after closing, these super markets assume coupon holders are paying serious customers, and no one likes to fuck or kill off their cussies, but they know you're not there to shop when store is closed so the coupon necklaces or armbands are useless.

[Anonymous No.15651368]

>>15651355
This has to be a stupid american thing then because there are no supermarket jesters here in britbong. If there were you'd probably need a license for it

[Anonymous No.15651403]

>>15651365
Bet you never had the little Berkley Jensen pervert thing chase you down one of those 100ft+ low traffic aisles and pull your pants down to give you a BJ, but who am I kidding, I let him catch me, fake tripped over something and landed face down ass up.

[Anonymous No.15651409]

No Faggot leather lobster is going to get between me and my lemons.

[Anonymous No.15651456]

>>15645873
This happened to me yesterday

[Anonymous No.15651482]

>>15651144

[Anonymous No.15651492]

>>15651267
The biggest corporate hirers of jesters are grocery stores, movie theaters, fucking Gamestops, and RenFaires.

The RenFaire circuit and movie theaters were hit too hard by the economic downturn of the past year, leading to more grocery jesters than previously thought.

Most stores simply can't afford have two jesters, so the competition is fierce and the pranks are nearly devilish.

[Anonymous No.15651542]

Fellas, my grocery store's old jester had a heart attack and in the name of diversity/breaking tradition they hired a female jester.
I gotta tell you, I've got a hankering for that clussy. What are your best tips for turning the tables on a grocery jester?

[Anonymous No.15651635]

>>15647495
Everything but the last two lines of this is real.

[Anonymous No.15651642]

>>15650081
Shit, negro, I got one that's for real.

>middle of June 2020, Chicongo Illinois
>everyone's already sick of stupid mask bullshit
>go into Jewel/Osco
>shrieking sheboon is shrilly shouting at grocery workers at the checkout counter
>wander around and do my shopping
>vegetables, turkey, whatever
>two guys without masks on because fuck this bullshit
>I grab some soda, head for the checkout
>bitch is still screaming her damn fool head off thirty minutes later
>must have impressive vocal exercise regimen to be able to scream that long
>looks like the store finally called the cops
>six of them standing around doing nothing but watching this nogger making a scene
>listen while I wait for the checkout chick to process me
>whole reason the psycho is screaming is she saw two WHITE guys without masks on
>dark meat types are more at risk of ACTUALLY DYING
>this is WHITE SUPREMACISTS TRYING TO GENOCIDE MEEEEEE
>HOW DARE THE RACIST GROCERY STORE NOT DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE NAZIS TRYING TO MURDER ALL THE JUNGLE BUNNIES
>it's INSTITUTIONAL RACISM AND WHITE PRIVILEGE
>checkout chick finishes processing me
>stand around and watch some more just laugh about it
>finally
>cops decide enough is enough, start herding her out
>what the everbleeding fuckhole
>truly our essential workers are frontline heroes in this war

Seriously, I wish I carried a smartphone so I could've put her on Whirlstar or something.

[Anonymous No.15651728]

>>15651642
trying too hard

[Anonymous No.15651797]

>>15647396
The sad thing is there are some people who will try to do that for free.

[Anonymous No.15651805]

>>15650288
you have to pay for the eggs btw

[Anonymous No.15651835]

>>15650166
>>"I'm just a regular man, I put my cargo pants one leg at a time"

[Anonymous No.15651891]

>>15651304
it's like the clown that hides from losers at michelin starred restaurants

[Anonymous No.15652871]

>>15651542
>What are your best tips for turning the tables on a grocery jester?
>Slip and fall, claim compensation
>act deranged, scream about the glowies until she leaves
>act mental, drop/throw your basket and run out the store
>tell her to fuck off and flash your piece
>Shout "I'M SORRY I AM A HOMOSEXUAL"
>"I didn't know walmart/shop hired obese clowns"
>tell the security guard she's acting delusional
>"THE FUCK YO YOU CALL ME A NIGGA BITCH" only applies if you're black
>eat banana the drop the peel behind her
>slap her ass, then claim she tries to touch you and you're homosexual
>"THAT'S MY PURSE I DON'T KNOW YOU"
>Insult her until she runs off in tears
>put scowl on face and ignore her every act, like she doesn't exist
>"Where's the manager?" Bonus if you know the managers name and attempt to establish yourself as an area manager, i forming her she'll get a writeup
>pull out gun and sing about how you feel like dancing.
>punch her face in the face
>laugh very loudly And forcefully in her face
>cough on her/remove your mask if applicable
>spiy on the floor tell her she's an ugly roastie
>act retarded enough to make her uncomfortable
>pretend to be blind
Pretty much all I've gor so far

[Anonymous No.15652946]

>>15651728
At no point does that story cease sounding probable.

[Anonymous No.15652976]

>be shopping
>in and out real fast because I'm a man and I know what I need to cook my meals
>hear high pitched screaming
>turn around and see the supermarket jester took a cart away from a woman and is spinning it in circles like a dreidel
>there's a kid in the cart screaming
>the car is so unbalanced it starts wobbling and tipping over
>everyone looks on in horror sure that he kid is gonna get brained against the floor
>jester grabs the cart and brings it to a halt
>for one brief moment everyone is relieved that we didn't just witness a homicide
>kid pukes everywhere
>everyone laughs and takes out their phones to take selfies with the kid
>some shoppers lay down on the ground and take selfies with the puke
>kid is crying
>after paying for my shit I see the kid and mom heading for their hybrid
>the jester happens to be nearby, so I give him a silver dollar and tell him to go do it again
>his smile is gone
>his eyes hold mine own
>this is what he says to me:
>"You fool. Do you believe your money can move mountains? Do you wish you were adored by all? Do you think that because you believe in goodness you will be saved? Know that I too once believed as you do."
>then he threw my money on the ground and chased the kid and mom around the parking lot making indian battle cries

[Anonymous No.15652980]

>>15646848
>That fucking spell
MY SIDES

[Anonymous No.15653012]

i think this thread is a bit funny

[Anonymous No.15653029]

>>15652946
And at no point does he cease sounding like a giant faggot