/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.14614575]

>Go to grocery store
>See grocery jester, didn't think they were still employed in this pandemic
>Ignore jester and continue my shoping
>Suddenly hear bells behind me
>I'm too late to react and the grocery jester fucking rips my face mask off and starts running
>I try to catch the fucker but he's too fast for me
>While chasing him he knocks down my shopping cart which alerts security and the manager
>Manager comes screaming at me why I'm not wearing a mask and charges me for all the shit that spilled from my cart even thought the grocery jester is the one that knocked it over
>Get escorted out of the grocery store by security for not wearing a mask all while the whole store laughs at me and that fucking grocery jester starts floss dancing with my mask in his hands
Why the fuck do grocery store hire grocery jesters again?

[Anonymous No.14614588]

Czech em

[Anonymous No.14614592]

>>14614588
Impressive, very nice.

[Anonymous No.14614607]

>>14614575
You relaxed anon, that's on you.

[Anonymous No.14614616]

>>14614575
The grocery jester union has gotten themselves listed as an essential service. At least they're practising social distancing where I shop.

>out getting my daily two cans of sardines because of commie-rationing
>armed grocery guards are patrolling the three-block line up to enter the store
>lardo social distancing warrior standing 2 metres in front of me loudly tries to virtue signal whenever a grocery guard comes by
>"I am SOO thankful for you guys helping #flattenthecurve!"
>next time the grocery guards come by, I point at her and yell:
>"OFFICER, THIS WOMAN STOOD WITHIN 2 METRES OF ME!"
>grocery guard bruiser shoulder tackles her to the pavement
>bottles of hand-sanitizer spill out of her purse
>"SHE'S HOARDING HAND-SANITIZER! GET HER!"
>line up turns into a mob riot as everyone scrambles to steal this social distancing warrior's bottles of home-brewed hand sanitizer
>I sneak to the front of the line and past the grocery guards
>grab my two cans of sardines
>head through self checkout to pay for my purchase
>set down my cans in the bagging area as I pull out my wallet and pay for them
>pull my card out of the reader, it's covered in black ink
>I go to retrieve my cans
>the entire bagging area is covered in a puddle of superglue
>receipt dispenser whirs before ejecting a fifteen mile long wad of coupons straight into my groin

[Anonymous No.14614639]

this is an odd thread

[Anonymous No.14614644]

Read it

[Anonymous No.14614803]

>>14614575
At least you HAVE a grocery jester. The one by my grocery got fucking killed during the riots. God bless his soul.

[Anonymous No.14614818]

>>14614803
And who killed him?
Can you describe how he looks like?
I have an guess or two lol

[Anonymous No.14614825]

>>14614818
You and me both know anon

[Anonymous No.14614835]

>>14614644
>>14614588

>using your powers for dubs
pathetic

learn to aim higher

[Anonymous No.14614862]

>going to the grocer, plan to make some stir-fry
>grocery blacksmith is making a racket the entire fucking time, hammering shit
>can hear clanging from the parking lot
Why can't they do that shit in the back of the store?

[Anonymous No.14614878]

>>14614835
/ck/ is a slow board. Gets here below 4 digits are underwhelming and pointless.

[Anonymous No.14614918]

>>14614575
>>14614575
>pick up family size box of cheezits for one
>hear bells behind me
>spin 360 degrees around
>just some kid in a stroller playing with a toy
>sigh of relief
>cheezits box violently explodes
>thrown into aisle 12's rack of pickles
>pickle jars smashing everywhere
>pickle juice and glass gets in my eyes
>burst into treats

Fuck you grocery jester

[Anonymous No.14614954]

>>14614575
>go to grocery store
>see grocery jester terrorizing a black family
>screaming racial epitaphs at them as they huddle next to the potatoes

Thank god he was preoccupied that day

[Anonymous No.14614970]

it's just a thing you have to put up with, unless you live in a flyover state. honestly i hardly notice them. i mind my own business and they generally leave me alone. desu i miss them whenever i go back to visit my parents. they really keep the loud minorities in check.

[Anonymous No.14614972]

>>14614575
do Americans really have grocery jesters that play pranks on you?!

[Anonymous No.14614991]

>>14614972
Yes, we can afford them.

[Anonymous No.14614992]

>>14614972
>He doesn't have grocery jesters
Honestly you're lucky

[Anonymous No.14614996]

>>14614972
I think people are exaggerating ITT, mostly the grocery jesters are there to keep crying babies entertained and also help to stock shelves when it's super busy. Last week, though, I bumped into one when I was buying my weekly 48-pack of TP and he spat on my face. I tried to make a complaint at the front but they told me that they have no power over the grocery jesters. I'm not sure who even hires them.

[Anonymous No.14614998]

>>14614972
Yes

[Anonymous No.14615003]

>>14614878
No they isnt

[Anonymous No.14615007]

>>14614972
it's like that restaurant where they throw rolls at you and the waiters pretend to spill water all over you and stuff.

[Anonymous No.14615013]

>>14615007
Dicks! Those guys are so funny. They made a paper dunce hat for my gf that said "I literally suck black cock" we all had a good laugh and bought a lot of margaritas

[Anonymous No.14615053]

>>14614575
>grocery jesters
What?

[Anonymous No.14615079]

>>14614862
It's a ploy grocery stores do, if customers see the produce being freshly made they're inclined to buy more.

[Anonymous No.14615102]

>>14615079
yeah but he's talking about the blacksmith, which we don't do here in texas because people would mistake the clangs for revolver hammers firing on empty cylinders. A lot of people died when they introduced them here trying to protect their families from other families trying to protect their families.

They're still legal in most other states though.

[Anonymous No.14615116]

>>14615102
that's the tradeoff for open carry and stand-your-ground laws. i'd rather have my constitutional rights and just deal with the occasional confused manslaughter.

[Anonymous No.14615135]

>>14615116
yeah but just keep in mind that there is no legal precedent for anyone successfully claiming self-defense in attacking a grocery store jester as they are a kind of protected class, and will probably pull your pants down or something if you tried

[Anonymous No.14615180]

>Grocery jester tries to bamboozle me while I'm in the hardware section
>Grab a toolbox and start beating him over the head with it
>Other shoppers join in, hitting the jester with whatever they could grab
>Even the security started beating the jester
Space Station 13 prepared me for this.

[Anonymous No.14615182]

>place curbside pickup order so i don't have to see that fucking jester
>check order, everything's correct
>next day, getting ready to make an omelette, crack open egg only to find it's filled with mayonnaise
>every egg in the dozen is the same
i have no idea how he did that

[Anonymous No.14615209]

>>14614575
>can't find breakfast lard
>ask security guard where to find breakfast lard
>he puts me in a choke hold and tells me aisle 57
>go to aisle 57
>breakfast lard aisle
>grocery jester is sprawled in the middle of the aisle with his jester pants down showing me the goods
>awkwardly try to tiptoe past him to get my breakfast lard
>it refuses to stop making eye contact with me
>my eyes get watery from embarrassment coupled with the musk emanating from the goods
>can feel his beady little eyes boring into the back of my head as a tiptoe back out

I didn't deserve that

[Anonymous No.14615224]

>>14614972
yes

t. grocery jester for about 2 years

also get fucked op hahaha

[Anonymous No.14615257]

>>14615182
How is that jesting? Thats just vandalism and food tampering.
What if you were deadly allergic to mayonaise ?

[Anonymous No.14615258]

>>14614616

fucking kek

[Anonymous No.14615259]

>>14615182
That was probably the eggs and dairy wizard.

[Anonymous No.14615276]

>>14615257
You shouldn't be buying eggs then if you're allergic to mayonnaise

[Anonymous No.14615352]

>>14615276
Lots of anons who are allergic to mayo have no problem with eggs

[Anonymous No.14615371]

>>14615352
lots of eggs think you're a faggot

[Anonymous No.14615454]

I'm a Leaf, but I definitely enjoyed seeing the grocery jesters while I was cross border shopping in Buffalo. One of them even slapped my ass and told me to go back to my igloo. Funny!

We don't have jesters here, since Canadians are pussies who find them to be "impolite". Instead, we have grocery beagles - friendly little dogs who just roam the aisles while profusely wagging their tails, who will accept petting, belly rubs, and anal sex (hence the Canadian reputation for fucking dogs) from willing customers. In most of the higher quality stores, they're trained to bite black people on command, effective forcing them to shop at Walmart.

[Anonymous No.14615470]

>>14614575
>>Ignore jester and continue my shoping
Here's where you fucked up.

[Anonymous No.14615496]

>>14615257
>what if you were allergic to the thing whose primary ingredient is what you wanted anyway

[Anonymous No.14615695]

>>14615053
lurk more newfriend

[Anonymous No.14615793]

>>14614575
>grew up in small town
>back then the local grocery store jester was pretty low key, swaped tomatos and persimins, dry cat kibble with cerial boxes of similar colours, sometimes would hide in the freezer and flick your dick if you opened it
>simple stuff but it really held the place together
>fast forward to today
>increase in online sales and less people in our small town has made economic hardship common
>jesters health care didn't cover dependents
>his jester child had Meningococcal
>couldn't afford hospital trip so left it untreated and hoped it was just a cold
>child lost 3 limbs and needed daily dialysis
>jester cannot afford
>watched his stump child die painful stinky death
>Now he justs wanders the isles with a blank stare in an unwashed purple striped costume

[Anonymous No.14616173]

>>14615209
at least all yours did was eye ball you
the grocery jester at my store grabbed my foot when i attempted to get past him
i tried getting him off but he kept using his soft silly jester hat to block my blows while repeating "nuh uh you can't do that!" over and over again in that cheery high pitched voice of his
i had no idea what to do so i just dragged him to the cashier and paid for what I had
you'd think he'd let go then but I had to drag him to my car and smash him using the door
he let go and ran back to the store on all fours
i still have nightmares over this

[Anonymous No.14616180]

>>14614575
Ck sure knows how to have fun. Bless you all.

[Anonymous No.14616207]

>>14616180
This is /tv/ shit and I'm angry to see it here.

[Anonymous No.14616265]

>go to grocery store without mask
>do my shopping
>sjw makes remark about no mask
>i tell her to suck my dick
>she does
>grocery jester approves and takes her mask
>people cheer about how chad that was
>manager says all my groceries are on the house
>women flash me on the way out
>betas cry as thier women throw themselves at me
>leave with 4 big brested milfs

[Anonymous No.14616285]

>>14616265
nice I shop at that store too.

[Anonymous No.14616357]

>>14615454
>buying groceries at local chain
>weekday evening, store mostly dead
>thinking out loud: "tapioca flour, where the hell is tapioca flour..."
>hear a very polite indoor-voice (for a dog) "berf!"
>grocery beagle halfway down the aisle
>just a puppy, he's got he training badge
>seems to be doing well though, looks focused
>go in for pats
>he walks just out of reach, looks back
>this repeats
>he's trying to lead me somewhere, did he understand my question?
>holy shit now that is a good boy
>proud of this pup
>eagerly follow
>grocery beagle excitedly picks up the pace
>makes left U-turn into the previous aisle
>I make a left U-turn into the previous aisle after him
>it's empty
>I stupidly say out loud "Hey, where'd you go, bo-"
>a solid kick from behind lands toe-first right in my butthole
>like, all the the force somehow slipped right between my butt cheeks and was delivered straight into my asshole and taint
>I crumple on the ground, clutching my sore taint
>this fucking grocery store jester is jingling around wordlessly making monkey gestures at me, with the beagle puppy from before strapped to him in a baby bjorn smiling and panting at me
>tears uncontrollably well up in my eyes from the unusual pain, as I'm left to wonder how the fuck he pulled that off
It turns out some places still have them. Seems to be an independently-owned thing.

[Anonymous No.14616372]

>>14616207
Honest, there's a lot of overlap between /ck/ and /tv/ shit memes. Me? I'd serve crab legs.

[Anonymous No.14616378]

>>14615454
Bestiality is illegal in every province, unlike in the US where it's legal in multiple states, retard larper.

[Anonymous No.14616458]

>>14616378
Peter Wu Chang sat alone in his room; another lonely Saturday night spent defending the honor of his great nation's colony on an underwater basketweaving forum was going well. The polluted Vancouver air mixed with the smell of a passed-out druggie down the street and the fried Beagle he was having for breakfast tomorrow. He frowned a little at the latter smell, as he hated to part with a lover (with such a talent for BJs, as long as you applied a little peanut butter in the right place) but food was food. He shook his head to clear his thoughts and finished uploading his BLACKED gif on a /tvpol/ thread. Finally, those evil white Chads would be stopped and the stupid shallow Asian race traitor girls at school could see what a nice guy he was! As he closed the tab and refreshed /ck/, with horror he saw a shitpost about bestiality. Those bastards, they knew! With his narrow, slanty eyes rapidly turning red he hammered his flabby fingers on the keyboard and typed out :
>Bestiality is illegal in every province, unlike in the US where it's legal in multiple states, retard larper.
Hyperventilating and with shaky hands, he clicked "Post" and sank back into his """gamer chair""". Another job well done for a true Canadian hero, he thought to himself as he grunted and softly came into tomorrow's dinner, a Cocker Spaniel.

[Anonymous No.14616544]

It's all memes but seriously if we could have something like that I think the world could be a better place. We have forgotten how to laugh at ourselves. Comedians are the first to go when society turns sour.
Don't forget to thank your local grocery jester, his job is more important than you realize.