/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>8289379
HOW DOES THE TURKEY FALL OFF THE CUTTING BOARD LIKE THAT. THE BOARD IS LEVEL AND SHE WASN'T EVEN STANDING NEAR IT.

Oh please don't remind me this day is approaching.

>>8289388
Maybe she was carrying it and dropped it instead. It looks like a hot fucking turkey. I'd drop it too if I picked it up with my bare hands like a neanderthal

>>8289388
I think she was using the fork to help carry it to the cutting board from the roasting pan but I agree it's a little bit vague

Aunt who died last month always drunk, slumped over at the table thanks to pills and my wife and I's cranberry punch.

Grandma stabbed my aunt 3 years prior on thanksgiving..

Ex gf does in a car accident on Thanksgiving while I was dating her.

>>8289410
What did your ex gf do in her car accident, anon?

>>8289419
Died, autocorrect was trying to unJUST my formitive years.

>>8289394
>filename
I have never used this phrase unironically in my life, but you sir, you triggered me good just now.

threads like this make me glad my family never celebrated thanksgiving

last year i was planning on cooking thanksgiving dinner at parent's house. just 4 of us - mom, dad, sister (she is in her mid 20s), me.

shortly before i'm done cooking, my sister starts inviting her friends over.

she ultimately has 8 extra people have come over. i don't know them and they were all really drunk. one of them grew up in a cult, one of them lived in a van (by choice, not necessity).

i wish i had someplace else to go for holidays, but i'm too much of a sperg to have friends.

>>8289571
LOL

>>8289410
>>8289571
>>8289605

>back in the late 90s/ early 2000s I used to frequent jokes.com
>this was before comedy central fucked the site up
>no one else in my family really browsed the internet back then
>I was about 10-12 years old and telling outlandishly funny jokes to my relatives
> would either censor myself on the cuss words or warn everyone ahead of time
>thanksgiving night
>everyone is drinking and having a good time
>suddenly, my aunt summons me
>"oh, little anon knows a lot of jokes, tell him to come here and tell us one"
> I just started getting into the racist jokes
> I forgot the setup, but I dive into a long joke about a wife who gets a black guy to sleep with her for some biscuits, and the husband ends up yanking out her public hairs. While yanking out the last public hair, he says "come on out you black cunt" and the black guy says "I will if you give me a biscuit"
>Or something along those lines. It was a good fucking joke.
>a couple of uncles genuinely laugh at the punchline, but everyone else is fucking stoneface, or nervously giggling
>what the fuck? I thought it was good
>I look towards the living room and see one of my aunts black neighbors staring at me with a surprised smirk and wide eyes
>thebottomdropped.webm

>>8289410
Pretty curious about the stabbing backstory. In my family, all the holiday drama and grudges come from the women.

Sucks about your ex. I drive a lot on Thanksgiving to visit several different houses and I'm always worried about crazy or drunk drivers, but every year it's bizarrely tame for a change. A couple years ago I realized almost everyone driving was a man.

>>8289863
all of the drama and grudges in every family comes from the women
men just don't give a shit unless they are weak-willed and controlled by the women

>>8289379
Please tell me your uncle beat the hell out of those kids

>>8289410
What the hell happened to make your grandmother stab her own daughter? god damn.

What was your life like if that's something that just happens.

Apparently my uncle's girlfriend's brother once randomly invitied a hobo to eat with him and his family. Do something nice to feel good about yourself and all that. Except that the hobo didnt play along, he didnt thank anyone and kept criticizing the food because it wasnt how he liked it. In the end everyone was just pissed off and they had to air out their house for a week because everything smelled like pee.

>>8289388
shes obviously floating 10cm above ground with the turkey

>>8289379
That face
>when you're having a stroke but first you gotta save your turkey

>>8289913
This. It's clearly a picture from the famous 'zero-g thanksgiving cookery book'

>>8289891
My aunts husband finally left her drunk ass..m she moved into my grandmas house which was really nice at one point.

That bitch stole her check book and her jewelry and anything really to fuel her drug habit.

We seperated them, but on Thanksgiving we got together at her nice house. My aunt showed up and got stabbed in the thigh while sitting at the dinner table.

Christmas stories are good to but only involve my close family.

>>8290714
>stealing her mom's money and jewelry
>retaliatory stabbing
Fuck

>>8289639
pictured this, lol'd

>>8290714
Your nana don't play. I like that.

One time my grandma accidentally made the mashed potatoes with eggnog instead of milk because she cannot see too well. They tasted disgusting.

>>8289867
>>8289863
upboated bros XDDD

>3 years ago
>been feeling kind of sick
>have cyst at top of my asscrack
>cyst pops during thanksgiving dinner
>excuse myself
>go to shower
>squeeze remaining pus/blood out of cyst
>black out in shower
>shit and puke everywhere
>also blood because i hit my head on the bathtub when i fell
>clean myself up
>go back downstairs
>calmly state i just blacked out and theres poop and puke all over the bathroom
>family sees the gash on my eyebrow and they believe me
>go to hospital
>103 degree fever, heartrate was in the 130s
>stay in hospital for 3 days
>mom refuses to bring me the White Castle™ stuffing i made
>brings other gay thanksgiving food instead

last year i said that i was thankful that trump was running for president and half of my relatives (mostly women) got pissed and started ranting over eachother about how trump is bad etc

cant wait for how they react to being thankful that trump is the president

I haven't participated in thanksgiving dinner in around 7 years. After I left home I said fuck it and just order pizza or whatever and get shitfaced. I know I'm not missing out too shit sucked back then I can't imagine now

Havent celebrated thanksgiving or christmas in years due to family being drunk, drug addicted some may or may not have spent time in mental asylums. So its not a good time ever. However my grandparents are on deaths door so im sucking it up.

>"hey anon havent seen you in years why dont you show up anymore"
>oh you know everyone but grandma and grandpa are insufferable addicts who would all be better off dead.

Its also a 2 hour drive there. G*d help me.

>>8292088
>complaining about 2hrs

My parents live 6hrs away.

>>8292113

My parents live 8 hours way

>>8292122
My parents live 10 hours away

>>8292113
>>8292122
>>8292178
my parents live 45 minutes away (:

>>8292113
>>8292122
>>8292178
>>8292180

Maybe we can swap parents if any one of us is closer?

>>8292009
White castle stuffing?

>>8292113
>>8292122
>>8292178
>>8292180
My parents are dead.

>>8292213

I'll make dinner with you then forget parents

>>8289879
He looked ready to, but I think the shock of what happened stunned him too much to do anything substantial for a good couple hours.

I'm going to get fucking hammered and ignore the food until I don't feel like drinking anymore as usual.

>>8289410

Wooo New Jersey.

>>8292191

I think he might be fucking with you but it's a thing.

>>8292191
>>8292234
no im serious. white castle stuffing is a thing. you dice up some sliders and mix in some other shit to make stuffing

>>8292245
I'm not sure how to feel about that. Might be good with some good spices.

Or if you have a really drunk Thanksgiving.

>>8292297

The British will cook a turkey and put fucking RAISINS in the stuffing. If you put sweet items in your stuffing your can go fuck yourself. It should be as savory as possible.

A thanksgiving meal should be savory for sure.

>>8292213
your parents are the rest of your lifetime away

>>8292019
Kek
You should stealthily record the backlash on your phone and post it to vocaroo afterwards. You could be a legend

>>8292365
> raisins
Literal lie

Apricots and apple on the other hand is GOAT stuffing material

>>8292365
you seem as though you are far too rigid for your own good

I could see raisins working well in stuffing; it's as though you've never heard the concept of sweet plus savory

>>8289585
My mom became a Jehovah Witness when I was around 8 and for some reason I don't remember any thanksgivings before that, but by the time I was 14, I got away from her crazy ass and then had thanksgiving with my dad's side of the family which was not fun at all because they were just a different kind of crazy.

>>8290714
Fuck. Tbh

For the past couple of years I would go to a family friends house for thanksgiving (close enough that they're like my second parents) and I'd show up early to help them make the bulk of their food because they always had like 30+ people over.

Anyways the couple have always had some marital issues and it comes out in weird ways. On Thanksgiving it turns into this food rivalry, where they both make a soup and don't tell people who made which one and then get all pissy if they get the less popular one. The thing is; the wife is a much better cook. She's an unabashed Spaniard who uses any sort of grease/salt/delicious thing in the book while the husband has some faggy health food addiction so he never puts any sort of spice or seasoning into his food. So naturally 9/10 he's lost the soup battle and gets grumpy for the whole night.

Also to save his masculine pride he's basically been the one making the turkey the pat few years but because of his aversion to butter, salt, garlic, etc. anything remotely tasty it always comes out like shit and people just eat the ham and sides the wife and I prepare instead.

>>8292113
>My parents live 6hrs away.
20 hours here

>>8293229
>people just eat the ham and sides the wife and I prepare instead.

So you've been giving his wife the best porking you could every Thanksgiving?

I'd be upset too, Anon.

>>8292365
>A thanksgiving meal should be savory for sure.
Says the americlapfat putting fucking MARSHMALLOWS on his sweet potato casserole.

>>8293492
Says the eternally obsessed yuropoor who has obviously never had it.

>>8293498
Not who you're responding to, but I'm american and the tradition of adding candy to sweet potatoes is nauseatingly sickening and entirely reks a perfectly fine vegetable.

>>8289379
>Driveway

Wait, what?

>>8289394
Post the one with the grills

>>8291986
I found the woman.

>>8293498
I'm american. Sweet potatoes with marshmallows on them are fucking disgusting. If you have that as a side on thanksgiving you have shit taste.

Marshmallows are for smores and fluffernutters, not thanksgiving.

>>8293589
If your gonna deep fry a turkey, you do it outside

>>8289597
Fag

>>8289639
I want to know the joke

>10-15 years ago
>dad builds smoker
>just a used 55 gallon drum cut in half
>smokes turkey for 15 hours in it
>looked like a fucking charcoal brick when it came out
>inside was heavenly

Of course the year he did it, it snowed on thanksgiving. I remember waking up at 7 am and he was standing outside watching the smoker in 6" of snow

>>8289379
We never had a fryer disaster but that was probably because no one was allowed within 10 ft of the thing except my dad. Loved when we did it though because we'd also make onion rings to snack on before dinner.

>>8293882
It's been a while, but I'll look it up for you anon.

>>8293605
Even a thread about Thanksgiving on 4chan makes her want to start shit.

>>8291986
Wew

>>8289908
there's a reason hobos are hobos and it isn't that they are nice, clean, friendly people

>>8293882
It was too long to copypaste.

http://ads.funny.com/_star/Jokes/0/C50CB.html

>>8292113
my mom lives 35 hours away

>>8292213
You do this every Thanksgiving Batman!

>>8294685
Lel

>>8293492
That's not an American thing.
That's just the blacks.
Real people don't even make that without the marshmallows.

>>8293492
If I make a sweet potato casserole I don't put marshmallows on that shit. That's disgusting. I like a pecan and brown sugar topping if I MUST have some sweetness to it. It doesn't overwhelm and it compliments nicely.

>>8293589
It's typically safer and smarter to deep fry a turkey outside, since the deep dryer is typically a giant cylinder filled with a few gallons of hot oil. If it pops or spills you won't have oil all over your floor. Not as much burn or slip hazard when it's outside.

Also I imagine the smell of oil would get a little sickening if it sat in your house for too long.

My family and a few others used to "camp" for Thanksgiving. We would go to a place in the woods and the turkeys would be buried under the fire pit for cooking. Us kids would go out and hike, swim in the river, climb trees, catch and release various small critters, all that good stuff. Then after eating we'd find and clean up sticks for s'mores.

>>8295034
found the sensible poster

>>8293229
Why no seasoning? I get being awful and dumb about fats and salt, but herbs and garlic are good for you. And delicious when shoved under turkey skin.

>>8292009

Holy shit is the copypasta?

Or is this a White Castle shill because I'm 99% sure I read this last year.

>>8295034

>pecan & brown sugar

Thank you, Based anon.

>Thanksgiving 6 years ago
>Parents invite me over for dinner
>Insist I don't need to bring anything, but I decide to bring a couple bottles of wine anyway just to be nice
>Wasn't told my alcoholic as fuck cousin would be joining us for dinner
>Fucker nearly drinks both bottles of the wine I bought before dinner is even ready
>Continues drinking anything alcoholic he can get his shitty little hands on
>Roaring drunk, the "Let's scream at everything" level.
>Slams into my mother who was holding a saucer full of scalding hot gravy

I couldn't feel bad for laughing my ass off, the guy was a dick. Nearly half the saucer sloshed onto his shirt and burned the shit out of him.
Pretty sure my dad was trying not to lose it as we tried to help clean him up and treat the burn.

Thanksgiving was pretty gud that year

>>8295849
Glad it got on him and not your mom, I thought that's where this was heading. Fucker had it coming.

>>8289394
>Thanksgiving is never held at your house
>you're able to muster enough willpower and love for your family that you take the time and energy to shower, brush teeth, dress in good casual clothes and show up on time
>this has literally never once happened to me

I'm glad I can't relate to this picture.

>Thanksgiving last year
>Everyone having a good time, good food, ect
>Turn on NBC to watch Macy's thanksgiving parade
>A bunch of Tranny's are dancing in the street
>Room goes quiet. Felt Awkward as fuck.
>Tranny's is what killed Thanksgiving for me.

>>8296000
I hope that shit's gone this year, if not it certainly will be next.

Some set up to this story.

So, I've known my wife since around 7th grade. We were friendly, but never friends. After joining the military and spending a few years in, I eventually talked her into dating me. Her mother and father a very well off. I grew up very poor. Not basic cable "poor", but watch where you step or you could fall through the rotting floor poor.

>2015 Thanksgiving
>start day at wealthy in-laws
>good food, everyone is nice, no crazy stories
>that evening, decide to eat with some of my family
>huge gathering of aunts and cousins
>no uncles because of divorce and death
>wife is overwhelmed by the size of family packed into the small trailer
>food is good, but not ordinary
>because of extreme poverty in most of family food is either cheap like potatoes and rice, or livestock raised and killed by family, or wild game killed by family
>wife notices hose connecting to the sink from outside
>explain that family steals water from the county because they can't afford it otherwise
>halfway through odd, but decent dinner one cousin begins arguing with his mother
>cousin screams about being a disappointment etc.
>cousin grabs knife and holds it to his chest begging for his mother to kill him
>wife is crying, young kids are crying, everyone is freaking out
>eventually subdue cousin before he hurts himself or someone else
>this ends thanksgiving 2015

As we were driving home, my wife commented that she couldn't believe poverty still existed on that level in the US. She knew my upbringing was shit, but she just didn't realize how awful it was. I think I'll just be doing Thanksgiving with the in-laws this year.
>

>>8296699
no you need to teach your over privileged ass wife a lesson.

quit your job, make her work.

>>8296000
your family sounds stupid

>cant laugh at a bunch of trannies on tv

>>8296853
Her parents worked their asses off to get where they are and made their kids do the same. We both work now.

I certainly wasn't trying to teach her a lesson. My family are all in the shape they're in through their own faults for the most part. Drugs, alcohol abuse, having way too many kids when they can't care for one. The only reason I went is because my wife found out about the invite and wanted to meet more of my family. I can't stand most of them.

Having said that, I do have lots of stories involving Thanksgiving gatherings if anyone wants more. Most are fairly humorous.

>>8297046
Yeah anon, share some more.

Your story honestly hit home with me. I had a rough upbringing, and can relate. I'm still in the process of attaining complete financial security, but I make a point of taking my wife and kids out to see my less well-off relatives.

Not to teach them a lesson, or for any ulterior motive, but because I don't want to forget where I came from or alienate my immediate/ extended family.

Even though I can afford to bring the good beer for thanksgiving, and they know it, I'm still showing up with a handle of natty ice, and my family appreciates me for it.

>>8296000
Except that drag queens are really the most socially acceptable form of transvestites. You guys need to chill and watch The Birdcage this year or something. It's meant to be funny because it satirizes retarded Miss America style hyper-sexual femininity.

>be me
>hate Thanksgiving cuz my parents are fags
>my bro invites me to his place for turkey day
>knows he has a sister
>imupallnighttogetlucky.gif
>his sister is fat
>and i mean FAT
>my bro ditches me to hit on his sister's hot friend
>fat sis offers to cook me mac n cheese
>i already hate Columbus Interruptus Day so why the fuck not
>fuck i think she's hitting on me fuck
>escape to clean up with my bro
>she hears me call her fat
>uh oh, gonna get eaten by a landwhale
>dinner goes without a hitch
>safe for another day
>next year rolls around
>celebrating dry poultry day with my bro again
>his sister walks in
>HOLY FUCK SHE GOT HOT
>now a slim beautiful piece of ass
>imupallnighttogetlucky.gif version 2.0
>go into kitchen with her
>i think she's flirting with me fuck yeah
>she grabs carrots and frozen peas and a knife and starts rubbing them, the fuck
>is this some former fat girl way of flirting? playing with the only food you can now eat?
>things get really fucking weird
>the knife slips
>slowmotionfall.webm
>she fucking chops off my baby toe
>when we get to the hospital she fucking picked up a carrot and not my toe
>mfw when I now have only one baby toe
>mfw when I ended up marrying her
>mfw [spoilers]i'll be there for you[/spoilers]

>be me
>hate Thanksgiving cuz my parents are fags
>my bro invites me to his place for turkey day
>knows he has a sister
>imupallnighttogetlucky.gif
>his sister is fat
>and i mean FAT
>my bro ditches me to hit on his sister's hot friend
>fat sis offers to cook me mac n cheese
>i already hate Columbus Interruptus Day so why the fuck not
>fuck i think she's crushing on me fuck
>escape to clean up with my bro
>she hears me call her fat
>uh oh, gonna get eaten by a landwhale
>dinner goes without a hitch
>safe for another day
>next year rolls around
>celebrating dry poultry day with my bro again
>his sister walks in
>HOLY FUCK SHE GOT HOT
>now a slim beautiful piece of ass
>imupallnighttogetlucky.gif version 2.0
>go into kitchen with her
>i think she's flirting with me fuck yeah
>she grabs carrots and frozen peas and a knife and starts rubbing them, the fuck
>is this some former fat girl way of flirting? playing with the only food you can now eat?
>things get really fucking weird
>the knife slips
>slowmotionfall.webm
>she fucking chops off my baby toe
>when we get to the hospital she fucking picked up a carrot and not my toe
>mfw when I now have only one baby toe
>mfw when I ended up marrying her
>mfw i'll be there for you

>last year up at my uncles house
>all the children and what not get on a bench
>about 5 of us on this bench
>semi large cousin comes over
>bench is practically breaking under weight
>bench is also on steep hill
>big guy sits on bench and it just breaks
>I get up and keep balance where as everyone else falls down
>big guy picks up speed and rolls into lake

Funniest moment ever

>>8296000
Hello, Chandler. I see you still haven't gotten over your childhood traumas.

>>8289379
>first time ever baking my own turkey
>it comes out beautifully
>begin carving inside the roasting pan
>get carried away with the knife
>pierce the bottom of the pan
>delicious turkey juices I intended to use for gravy start spewing onto the table and floor like a broken faucet
>panic and soak them up with a towel
>all that juice wasted
>had to throw away the towel
>had to substitute chicken broth for delicious baked turkey juice

>>8295849
Thank heavens he caught the gravy. Fucker probably didn't learn anything, though.

>>8292113
I live with my parents.

>>8292365
My mom loves raisins/apples in stuffing, italian though

It's okay but I prefer savory too, sausage stuffing is GOAT

>>8296000
You should dress up in drag this year. Pic related.

>>8297558
Fat whore skinny whore

open kitchen door, toe on the floor, Everyone walk the dinosaur

>>8296699
>>8297210
I don't think my upbringing was too rough really. We were just broke as fuck.

>thanksgiving not sure when
>finish eating
>time for sports
>watching football and drinking makes uncles long for glory days
>game over, time to go play for real
>uncles are just boozed up enough to lower inhibitions
>things are getting competitive
>older, more drunk uncle gets pissed at younger still slightly athletic uncle
>herecomestheboom.gif
>older uncle tries to blind side younger uncle but fails
>hauling ass, trips in hole, falls flat and immediately vomits
>the smell is unbearable
>younger uncle catches a nose full which makes him sick as well
>he tries to run away while puking and sprays druncle as he goes by
>grandmother watches it all take place and hangs her head in shame

I've got more involving sports and food if anyone else is interested.

>>8290444
Fucking kek

>>8296000
reminds me of this thanksgiving we where invited to extended family summer house and we had a shity old tv with a single channel
t was a parade and the camera zoomed at a girls painted ass and m aunt walks in and makes a comment on the cool mask in the screen then it zoomed off and we laughed our asses off

>>8289913
legit loled. thanks anon

>>8297932
Anon, we always want to know.

>>8297977
Those are the comfiest though. We do that when we visit our family in East Texas
>get drunk
>eat food
>watch Cowboys play on shitty tv in living room with easily 20+ people.
Originally being from Washington and a Seattle fan, I loved giving them shit it was the Raiders against the Cowboys a few years back and I kept giving them shit for being btfo in the first half. Kept mumbling on about "they're a second half team". Was fun though. Went hunting the next morning and got a couple hogs for that afternoons after party. Rednecks country people know how to have a great time.

>>8297932
>druncle

>>8289585
Threads like this make me glad no one in my family is batshit insane.

>>8297558
Chandler get off 4chan!

>5 years after getting comfy job with my masters in chemical engineering
>frugal as fuck with my money, married a Greek jewess fresh out of college because having wife means lower taxes
>basically we had cash to burn so we decided to have a thanksgiving day celebration that would make the great gatsby blush
>spent 50,000 on beer and cider
>20 fried turkeys
>500 pounds of gravey
>1200 pounds of bread
>a jazz band
>and, because my wife is do based, we had a shed in the backyard where me and 6 other guys ran a train on riley reid

2015 was great

>>8297558
Nice story reddit

>>8292365
>Brit bashing in a Thanksgiving thread

O B S E S S E D

>>8297932
>druncle

>>8297932
>>8298010

I'll contribute as long as the thread stays alive.

>come home on leave for thanksgiving
>friend of the family had just died
>asked to be pallbearer
>raining like crazy on way to funeral
>oncoming car hydroplanes and hits us head on
>no serious injuries but mom's wrist is broken
>thanksgiving rolls around and the cooking is squarely on my shoulders
>make all the classic dishes
>mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, rolls, sweet potato casserole
>druncle from previous story demands to fry a turkey this year
>family starts arriving with their various dishes
>typical shit for my family
>fried venison, squirrel, duck, anything you can kill and eat in the south
>druncle arrives with multiple small turkeys
>"what the hell is up with the personal turkeys?"
>turns out he got too drunk and knocked over the fryer
>in his drunken state he did what he believed to be logical
>killed like six of his guineas and deep fried them
>aunt is clearly distraught from the incident

MFW we all realized the guineas were only half cooked at best

>>8289379
I'm a Hispanic who voted Trump and our family hosts Thanksgiving every year, wish me luck!

>>8298428
What a garbage story. If you're going to lie on here, do it well. Your pathetic attempt is insulting.

>>8298736
Guineas, as in guinea pigs??? wtf

>>8299025
No, as in guinea hens.

That's too bad. I feel for the aunt.

>>8289639

This is a fantastic story but the joke is kind of disturbing. You can tell it's written by some horny old man with a cuckolding fetish.

There was a man who was heading away for a week on business. His wife was incredibly horny and needed a good fuck every now and again so she was left with a warning from her husband before he left. He said, "If I find out that you have been shagging another man while I'm gone then I will pull every pubic hair from your crotch!"
He was dead serious but his wife thought she could occupy herself for just one week using her fingers and the handle of her tennis racquet (which she did a lot when her husband was gone).
However she failed and one day before her husband was set to return she was gagging for more than she could get from her fingers and the tennis racquet! So she headed into town in the hope of finding a large well-bodied fuckable man to satisfy her lust. While walking down the High Street she found a very hunky and sexy black man that she wouldn't mind screwing and so she walked up to him and said-"Will you come home with?" and the black man replied, "Only for a chocolate biscuit." She gave him a biscuit and they headed towards her house.
So they got home and the woman said, "Will you come inside and upstairs?"
"Only for a chocolate biscuit" So she gave him another biscuit.
So they got upstairs and into the woman's bedroom. "Will you take off your clothes and lie with me on the bed?"
"Only for a chocolate biscuit" So she gave him yet another biscuit!!
"Will you fuck me until I hit orgasm at least three times!"
"Only for a chocolate biscuit" So she gave him a biscuit leaving only one left in the box and they got to business.

He was drilling into her-fucking her harder and faster until she was dripping wet-screwing her pussy and hitting her G-spot with every hard core thrust. She was at her orgasmic peak and when it was over they were both swollen and sore and so exhausted that they fell asleep together in the bed.
The next mourning the husband arrived home from his trip and headed upstairs to great his wife with a homecoming ride. She heard him coming upstairs and immediately told the black to get into the cupboard and hide. "Only for a chocolate biscuit" he said and so she gave him the last chocolate biscuit and shoved him into the cupboard just before her husband walked in.
He walked towards the bed and began to take off his clothes when he stopped and spotted the white spunk stains on the lilac sheets.
"You've been in bed with another man and don't lie to me!!!!!!!"
His wife didn't say a word and like he had warned he opened her legs and began to pluck all her pubic hairs from her crotch one by one. By the time he reached the last one he couldn't get it to come out and so he shouted, "Come out you black bastard!!!"
And the guy in the cupboard shouted "Only for a chocolate biscuit!!!!!!"

>have autistic cousin
>he thinks he's a trans lesbian
>whatever, alright with him doing his thing
>talking to me about tumblr stuff
>walking parody but remain civil
>someone at the table mentions some religion-stemmed insult about gays
>cousin visibly upset
>won't say anything, doesn't open mouth for rest of meal
>smell something terrible
>look down at his pants
>they're fucking leaking
>he shit himself while glaring at homophobic uncle
>nudge my aunt, his mom beside me, whisper what happened
>she starts to scream and my cousin freaks the fuck out
>he proceeds to puke all over the table
>gets up and starts throwing a bigger fit
>shit leaking out of pantleg
>a couple other relatives get sick
>my mom has to excuse herself to the bathroom
>one uncle goes out on the porch to get out from smell
>cousin proceeds to try and attack the homophobic uncle while shrieking and spelling out a grand miasma
>"HOW DARE YOU, I AM WHAT I AM" every 2 seconds
>grandparents dining room becomes mess in a span of under a minute
>mfw

The mom had to remove her gremlin 23 year old son from the premises, just before the cops were called. The rest of our thanksgiving was spent trying to clean up my poor grandparents home. A pair of extremely old jugs belonging to their grandparents rested on the mantle were broken because of this, and a chair leg was dismantled.

>>8299111
Chris-Chan is your cousin?

>>8292009
>squeeze remaining pus/blood out of cyst
>black out in shower
Smart, anon

>>8299703
This is a copypasta, but wouldn't you? I mean, I'm sure that the first thought on any reasonable person's mind would be cleaning the wound as quickly as possible. So gross.

>>8299710
Yeah but you'd at least sit down or something first. And you usually dry-clean them, not under a shower of water.

>>8297578
HAHAHAHHA

AND DRUNKCLE HEHEH

>>8298736
>>8299025
No they were guineafowl. It's a weird, annoying bird.
We'll do another sports story since the last one went so well.

>thanksgiving I'm around 13
>aside from football younger uncle really pushes the family into baseball
>play baseball or at least batting practice every gathering
>puberty is in full swing, lift weights, play sports
>no vidya games so I'm outside playing all the time
>not real fast but batting is going well
>yuncle refuses to wear a glove
>"I think I'll be okay anon. I played for a long time."
>things are going well but yuncle can't be shown up by a 13 year old
>imrandyjohnson.jpg
>yuncle starts hurling fast balls and shit
>wtf man
>if he's throwing I'm hitting
>a few pitches later I nail one
>oh shit it's a line drive right at him
>he fucking catches it
>he instantly drops it
>blood is pouring from his hand
>hand is shredded and already swelling
>hospital time
Mfw he missed dinner because of this.

The hand was fractured in a couple of places and fucked up for years after that.
It got split open from laces I guess. Being a dumbass, he let it get infected too.

>>8300143
Wow.

I can physically feel the pain of his stupidity.

Was he a good family member for letting you do irresponsible bullshit? That's the usual upside with this kind of family member.

>>8298015
>rednecks
both aunt and uncle (or wathever they are) are judges, they make so much money its funny and that summer house is a fucking palace
still old tv and nothing around but a pool to have fun with

>>8298760
Buena suerte, Wall-E.

>>8300155
Yeah, he wasn't bad really. He was just one of those guys who held onto being young and athletic for too long. He could've easily played D-1 ball if he wasn't so damn set on partying and being stupid. He still has recruiting letters and shit.

I have loads of these kinds of stories involving my family. The posting may be slow, but I will keep going as long as people are getting enjoyment out of them.

>>8300143
Lies lies lies lies lies.
All I see is a big wall of stupid lies.

>>8300228
It's 100% true. If I had pics I'd gladly show them. It really really fucked up his hand trying to bare hand catch a line drive. It's cool though. I understand that people on these boards are full of shit.

>>8300245
I have caught many balls in my life and my hands are fine.

>>8300251
I doubt you've bare hand caught multiple line drives. You may have done this one of two times and been lucky, or maybe my uncle was just very unlucky this one time. Part of what fucked it up for a while was him letting the cuts get infected. Either way, I don't have any proof. I'm just telling stories related to my Thanksgivings.

>>8289908
lol jack and jill

>>8300159
I meant to leave out redneck part as I realized they really aren't rednecks but country people. Well, most. It's in Texas. You're bound to have a redneck or two in a family gathering.

>>8300251
A line drive isn't nothing to mess around with. That's a fast, hard hit ball right down the line. Maybe if it was a pop-up.

>>8295284
That would be kind of cool if it wasn't 20 degrees out every thanksgiving.

>>8299085
i don't get it

>>8300382
They do but he hardly ever shows up

>>8292009

Holy shit dude did you have fucking bacteremia (blood infection) from that cyst? JFC how was that recovery??? Sorry bout ur stuffing

>>8299111
That's what you get for tolerating that kind of behavior. Stomp out the flame before it gets any worse.

>>8292009
Sounds like my cousin's husband. He's a great cook so we went to their place for Christmas. It hadn't snowed yet that year so we were kind of bummed until we heard about the menu for the night. He made amazing lamb chops and beef tenderloin and shrimp. Turned out he had a massive cyst above his ass the entire time. We thought he was drunk, but instead he was on a huge dose of painkillers. He was joking about it, everyone was joking about it (he used to roid and was a massive body builder so we all joked it was an injection cyst) but then after dinner it burst. When I heard the news I leaned over to my sister and said

>looks like it's gonna be a white Christmas after all

He took a load more painkillers and was a hilarious joking mess all night. Great guy.

>>8293257
Oh man I haven't laughed out loud at 4chan in a long time. That was golden.

do americans really stuff their turkeys with marshmallows on thankings day?

>>8300078
>drunkcle..


What you goin on about?

>>8299085
>>8299088
Thats actually pretty funny

>>8289410
>Ex gf dies in a car accident on Thanksgiving while I was dating her

Why do you call her your ex-gf? did you break up with her after she died?

>>8302544
I guess he dont like stiffys :(

lasy year my sister brought 2 of her friends, one is a gay guy that just fucking looooves me, and the other is a girl with a sad story and a kid.
They're coming again this year and I'll have to not only be cooking around a kid running around but also protecting my corn hole.
I'd very much like to prepare my slated dishes in piece.
Damnit.

>>8302648
Do it before they come or close off the kitchen.
I know this sounds like a very hard thing to do but ... no wait this is very easy thing to do! Why didnt we think of this sooner!?


Dumbass

>>8300171
>as long as people are getting enjoyment out of them

>>8302648
just let him suck your dick bro

>>8300143
>>8302850

Cool, I'll post some more. Sorry for the break. I've been doing remodeling around the house, so things have been hectic.

>thanksgiving who the fuck knows when
>cousin, son of druncle, is around 6 or 7
>son of druncle is completely obsessed with toy trucks
>no matter where he goes he has a toy truck in tow
>house is packed with relatives as usual
>son of druncle brought his entire fleet of trucks
>all of the young kids are playing with them
>druncle fucking loved smokey and the bandit movies because he drove trucks for a while and looked like a bloated Burt Reynolds
>son of druncle starts a convoy at druncle's command
>holy fucking white trash
>convoy runs right through the kitchen
>grandma is yelling at kids to get out
>druncle commands the little shits to ignore
>sudden yell and crash
>aunt carrying gravy to table stepped on a truck and ate shit
>grandma's gravy boat is destroyed
>another cousin is covered in hot gravy
>druncle is laughing his ass off
>grandma grabs wooden spoon off wall and beats the shit out of druncle and son

Pic related: grandma's face as we ate with no gravy and a half naked kid with minor burns at the table

>>8289379
Thanks doc

>>8295017
At least black people don't put vegetables, tuna, and mayonnaise in an aspic salad.

Or really, make an aspic salad in the first place. Damn you 1950s.

>>8289394
I don't get it. Its a bunch of people? That's usually what Thanksgiving is about, eating with others.

>>8304477
That's because you are a normal person. You see a bunch of people smiling. People like >>8289394
and myself see it as a bunch of people laughing at me.

>>8299710
Nah, trying to pop a cyst at home is a dangerous thing to do. You run the risk of the infected pus getting into your blood stream and contracting sepsis. That shit is incredibly dangerous and nasty.

>invite homeless family over
>father, mother, 3 children
>they have surprisingly good manners, save for the mother
>the mother doesnt talk at all, while the father is socializing with the rest of us, she reaches over others, and is always talking under her breath
>"hey sweetie you should ta--"
>"DONTCALL ME SWEETIE YOU"
>taller daughter punches mother in the face
>rest of children join in
>my uncle runs into the garage
>dad pulls out what i thought was flour at the time but now realize was cocaine
>starts beating her life flipped upside down
>now let me take a minute just sit right there
>and ill tell you how i became the prince of a town called bel air

>>8304828
t. Medico-pharma boi who wishes to take, not some, but all of your money.

A minor thing like a boil requiring medico-pharma intervention. Just how do you think humans survived before we were subjugated by the medico-pharma industry in the last 40 years?

tfw your uncle blew his brains out at the table four years ago so your family never gets together for thanksgiving anymore.

>>8292019
Lol same happened to me this year (I'm Canadian our turkey day is in October).

My one female cousin who is dumb as fuck actually said "he said he's gunna send all the Paki's back"! Like she didn't even know what he said , or the difference between Paki's and muslims, or that paki was short for Pakistani, etc etc. I think you get what I'm driving at.

>dinner at grandma's house
>she had a small house but had a snes in the corner of the kitchen
>5 year old me was just playing SMW while eating food

>>8304842
not bad bro had me goin

>>8305098
That sounds super comfy anon
My grandmothers house is jn rural Loui, and there was usually opportunity to pick mullberries or greens that would be used for dinner or desert. My granfather kept and still keeps a pretty productive garden

>>8295345
MUH HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE

MUH ALL NATURAL

>>8300373
It took me second to understand what you meant. People actually watched that movie?

>>8300143
>Randy Johnson

My nigga

>>8304828
Ha! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha haha! Could it happen? Yes. Is it likely? Only if you are a retard with questionable hygiene.

>>8304938
Should have used a meme arrow, but nice story.

>>8305128
Thanks, it was my first time.
But were no strangers to baiting
You know the rules
And so do i

>>8292009
>mom refuses to bring me the White Castle™ stuffing i made
>brings other gay thanksgiving food instead

I would be mad if my mom didn't bring my stuffing

>>8292365
I have craisins in my stuffing

>>8289379
A wild turkey broke it's neck against the side of my aunt's house on Thanksgiving a few years ago. My grandpa plucked it and they cooked it up. Apparently, it was gamey but pretty good.

>>8289639
>public hairs

>>8290714
badass or slightly unstable grandma but still cool, nice

>>8304913
>Just how do you think humans survived before we were subjugated by the medico-pharma industry in the last 40 years?

Many didn't. Many died from things that can be cured in a single visit to the doctor.

>>8304664
So stop conditioning yourself to be afraid of people. It's literally all you making yourself afraid.

>>8305098

>>8299111
The piece of shit in this story isn't your cousin, it's your uncle. Autistic peoples' brains are literally fucked up, your uncle is just a cunt.

>>8298428

>>8292503
thats actually a comfy thought, thanks anon

>>8300143
>guineafowl
This shit is sooooo tasty when cooked right