/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>6919606
>look away from bowl of soup for a moment
>spoon has fallen into it and is completely submerged

>>6919606
Use the side of your finger dumbass

>>6919606
>>go to open can of soda
>>tab breaks off

>squeeze lemon slice into drink
>it squirts into your eye

take bite of delish jalapeno popper
the whole inside comes out in one bite and all you have left is breaded breading coat.

>open can of soda
>back of the tab scrapes up your finger
Why don't they flip these things?

>>6919632
I may be wrong, but it's possible that you just have the most bitch fingers. I literally do no work with my hands, only calluses on my left fingers from guitar, and I've never had this problem. My fingers are so soft that I almost gave up changing my car's thermostat today because all the digging around and twisting in tight places made my fingers raw, but I've never had your problem.

>go to take a bite of pizza
>cheese slides off and burns rhe shit out of you chin

>>6919606
>go on /ck/
>post shit reaction thread
Got ya' you little cunt.

>>6919751
>posting reaction images on an image board is bad

This thread is for "dumb/annoying shit that happens with food", its not my fault that your autism only allows you to see things as memes

>chopping jalapenos
>30 minutes later, eyes itch
>

>go to open can of soda
>cut fingernails too short, can't open can

>>6919782
Don't forget to wash your hands before you take a piss. Lesson learned

>peeling garlic
>sharp piece slides under fingernail

>chopping vegetables
>slice off fingernail

Wait, you guys use your fingernails to open cans of soda? I push down on the part that you drink from, the tab pushes up a bit, then just tug it with my finger.

>>6919857
>I push down on the part that you drink from,

>push down too hard one day and you cut your finger open
Nah, fuck that

>cooking
>die
Such is life

>bite into onion ring
>entire onion comes out of the breading

>>6919822
>slide knife under tab to open it up a bit.

>>6919862
>>push down too hard one day and you cut your finger open
>Nah, fuck that
what? That doesn't even sound plausible

>>6919901
if youve opened tens of thousands of beer cans you would know this anomaly

>>6919857
you can cut your finger doing that shit

>>6919782
I once jerked it after cutting habaneros. It was not a good burn.

>>6919935

Lol. I jerked it once after eating jalapeños from the jar. It was not pleasant. Took me a second to link everything together as to why my dick caught on fire.

>>6919606

>Forget to soak an onion in water before chopping.

>soda

>>6919995
Are you trying to tell me that Fresca isn't delicious and refreshing?

>eat popcorn
>piece of hard corn skin jams right between my tooth and gums

>>6919827
A sharp piece of what?

>>6920032
sharp piece of knife

>>6920037
Ah

>Making Cinnamon buns with the cinnamon cooked directly into the sweet bread and the filling is coca butter brown sugar combination
>Grab the buns out and some of the hot coca filling drips out onto your skin

>read instructions on curry paste bucket
>"Fry paste, add coconut milk"
>put paste into hot pan
>create mustard gas

>eating ribs at home one drunken evening
>think I'd like some more bbq sauce
>man, but I don't want it to be cold...
>microwave for 30-60 seconds
>accidently spill it all over my hand when taking it out of microwave
>napalm. Took a month to heal

>>6920037
Last Friday chopping tops off garlic to roast it.

>>6920144

How.

>>6920149
The garlic I bought has a really thick skin, started pushing instead of pulling toward me for one smaller clove. One slip and I died. Being drunk didn't help. First time I've cut myself in over 5 years

>>6920175
>First time I've cut myself in over 5 years

It's good that you're making progress and this little relapse, well, we'll just forget about that, ok? The big picture is what counts. Stay strong

>>6920180
This little fucker

>>6919606
>Decide to mix sauce into pot with cooked noodles so that its already hot
>stirring it
>noodle stuck to bottom of the pot
>spoon skips off of the noodle and catapaults boiling sauce on me
>2nd degree burn on my arm and killed all of the nerves in the affected areas
>people see the scars and ask me if I have Lyme disease or ringworm

>put off sharpening my knife
>slicing onion
>knife slips

Every god damn time I've cut myself, it's been dealing with onions.

>>6920194

No, don't blame the knife. You know that it came from you, deep down.
Also, it's Wüsthof. And German knives don't cut what they aren't supposed to cut.

>leave a beer in the freezer because it's warm
>forget about it and now it's completely solid

>>6920214
>its not quite completely frozen
>open the bottle and a worm of frozen foam starts to come out

>>6920203
You're right, Anon. No excuses.

>>6920214

Just be glad that it didn't fucking explode in your freezer

>>6920199
Don't ever buy a mango then

>>6920224

Major steps in the right direction, mate. And you post a phone screenshot with your battery at over 90%, that's fucking amazing, buddy. And this image is hilarious as shit to boot. Fuck. I'm more drunk than I should be.

>>6920199

If I had knife slips, my groin would be in a bloody bad state.
GODFUCKINGDAMN IS THAT A JOKE OR WHAT

>>6920234

>>6920225

the top of the can ballooned outward and I'm not sure the tab will function as intended

>>6920225
I don't give a fuck how bad I want to drink something in a can....never again will I clean that shit out of the freezer...fucking. everywhere.

>>6920256

Oh. Can. Well, you know, just use a can opener. You can do it, friendo!

>Absentmindedly cooking with milk
>Doing half a dozen things at once, set the milk aside and continue cooking.
>Realize you need more milk
>Look in the regular spot in the fridge
>Not there
>Spend the next 20 minutes looking around the house where you might have put the milk
>Wonder if you got early onset Dementia or Alzheimer or something.
>Fuck it, use cream instead
>Realize you put the milk in the freezer door next to the cream.

What the fuck.

>>6920256
Just take it with you next time you go driving and throw it at the first vegan you see.

>>6920263

I just don't understand why people require their beer to be cold. I mean, dude, good beer tastes good no matter what, you know? Like, "Hey I just bought this beer and want to drink it" and if you have good beer, you can just crack open the bottle/can/flask/crate/keg and be done with it. I mean, I even drank American beer at room temperature and it was alright (it was like drinking water but whatever). So DAMN, man, you know? Either put it in your fridge or drink it as it is. And don't store it next to your stove/oven/uranium rods

>>6920284

Fridge, not freezer

>>6919606

>Not having short fingernails

Are you female?

>>6920292

Not anybody related but: I started paying attention to people's hands (because people have hands) and realized that a surprisingly high number of dudes has weirdly long fingernails.

>>6920298
Why do some people leave their pinky nail long and cut the others? Not cocaine

>>6920306

Maybe they just don't know what this is all about and drink their coke out of their fingernail

>>6920309
Oh we're still talking about the pop tab?

>>6920286

I like you

>>6920298
I've noticed from a very young age that black dudes nearly always have long, clawlike finger nails.

>>6920289

>implying I drink good beer

>>6920320

I've noticed recently that I have never interacted with a black person in my country. Because there are very few. But the ones that are here look so fucking cool, I mean, you look at them and think "Fuckdamn they look cool", you know? They pull off this whole "I'm black and cool" thing.
Anyways, I just started to notice those long fingernails on my coworkers and I just don't know why that is a thing. It's dudes with a girlfriend or wife! Don't they care? I have no clue. What?

>>6920325

Well, matey potatey, we all have our vices.

>>6920330
Where are you from?

>>6920493

When you look at the country I am from, you'd think "Gee whiz, that's a lot of germs"
Because it's Germany.

>>6920518
>German
Yeah, that terrible joke proves it.

>>6919871
Don't sacrifice your knife. Either end of a spoon works just as well. And if you're outside, a quarter will save you too.

>soda
dumb amerifat

>>6919782
>Not wearing gloves when working with chili because you know you're a dumb fuck.

>>6919606
>Bite nails as kid
>No nails but want to open my can of tango
>attempting to open
>edge of tab cuts into my finger
>blood goes everywhere
>tango tastes like my blood
>drink it anyway
>spend rest of life asking someone to open my can for me or shivering in disgust as i risk cutting myself by opening one.

>>6922255
c a r . k e y s .
h
e
c
k
e
d

>Work a month at catering
>Spend 4 of 5 weeks with minor cuts in left finger tip
>Every single vegetable burns in the cut if i don't use gloves

>eat fish
>forget to rinse plate afterwards
>my nose when

>>6919606
>trying to make caramel
>it seizes
How do I prevent this bros? I had to run to the store after the third try and that's pretty embarrassing.

>>6919606
>eating candy
>goes in cavity

>eating taco bell burrito
>pull away from a bite, notice light coming out from the other end
> big pile of beans and cheese and sauce right on my groin

>>6919606
>already half way done with food

>see a human hair buried in a part of it

>Try to open a glass bottle of soda
>Am convinced that it's a screw-off bottle cap
>It's not
>Continue trying to force it off because I don't want to look like a pussy
>Tear off the skin of the outside of my finger

>>6923496
This. I once got chinese food and there was a thick hair with such a big follicle that it had to be either a pube or armpit hair. I noticed the cooks were wearing sleeveless shirts so I assume the latter. Either way I threw up.

I've seen a few different people say different ways of opening soda cans; car keys, fork, spoon, whatever.

Am I seriously the only one here that just uses my fuckin teeth? I use my teeth to pop the tab open slightly enough to just use my finger for the rest

>>6919606

> open can of soda
> drink it
> instantly die of diabetes

>>6919606
>order Domino's® pizza
>call family to eat
>go to the bathroom
>come out
>all the pizza is gone
>mfw

Well what can you expect when you're dealing with the delicious taste of Domino's® pizza???

>>6923605
>"ANON COME UP FOR DINNER!"
>finish what I'm doing quickly and head up
>nothing but scraps left and everyone is on their second plate
>"Its too bad you got up here too late anon, dinner is delicious tonight"

>>6923628
>nothing but scraps left and everyone is on their second plate
>"Its too bad you got up here too late anon, dinner is delicious tonight"

Your family is a bunch of passive-aggressive, overweight children

>>6923628
>>6923605

what the fuck kind of family does this

>>6923603
Hate it when that happens

>Be eating burger at Mcdiddleys
>Go to take bite
>ketchup falls onto your white shirt
>followed by mustard
>onions start flying into your pants
>cheese melts off and lands on your naked body
>entire burger grows legs and ass-rapes you
>shiieet

>Cooking bacon and eggs in my undies
>Grease splatters when I flip the eggs
Now I've got burns all over my tummy

>>6923628
>>6923605
This happened with my birthday cake when I was too sick to eat it on my 15th or so birthday. Since then, I don't celebrate birthdays

>>6923677
That's a pretty stupid reason to quit celebrating your birthday

>>6923680
They gave me a safe on my 10th birthday instead of miniature cars I wanted. I don't have friends so no birthday parties. Once they just gave me eggs because my birthday landed in easter. There were a lot of reasons.

>>6923686
Sorry but I laughed at that last part about the eggs. At first I pictured them just giving you two literal eggs, not chocolate eggs. Kek

Anyway that sucks though m8 sorry to hear that

>>6923692
Nah they were real eggs, i don't know where there's good chocolate eggs tbh.

>>6920194
You can't use that knife anymore. It's tasted human flesh.

>>6923707
Hahahahaha fuckin kek holy shit that's hilarious im so sorry, srsly tho your parents sounds terrible

>slice steak to show that perfect medium rare
>worms

>sink teeth into hot brat sandwich
>grease squirts out on my chin and shirt

>>6923628
>have to work late
>mom makes a plate for me
>it's like 1/5th the amount I would usually eat
>don't even bother taking it out of the fridge, just open a box of kraft diner instead

;_;

>>6923628
>mom texts me that diner is ready
>[17:10:00] sppr is redy
>[17:10:09] r u comn
>[17:10:20] r u comin
>[17:10:32] rpond rsvp
>[17:10:53] f u arnt comn up say so

>get wisdom teeth removed
>see the thread from last week about what to eat
>co-workers tell me that they got over their operations pretty quickly
>can't eat anything after the surgery without projectile vomiting it back out
>try to drink a protein shake, wind up throwing up so hard on the drive back to my house that it comes out of my nose

>>6923956
best feeling right here

>softening frozen butter in microwave
>don't unwrap it
>butter explodes
>buttered microwave

>girl who works at the deli is trying to cut open a block of cheese with a knife
>pulling it toward her
>knife cuts through the packaging and goes right at her face
>fucking eyeball ends up hanging out of the socket

That shit haunted me for a week. The corned beef was good though.

>>6919742
>Man_brutally_murders_child.gif
I'm being TESTED.

>>6923628
feels good to be man
family makes sure everyone gets food

>>6923605
>>6923628
what the fuck is wrong with your family

>Making oatmeal in the microwave
>Oats balloon up and spill all around the bowl and microwave making a cement like mess

>>6919606
tbh I just open soda cans with my teeth

>wash dishes
>something has really stuck to a fucking pot
>crusted and dried super hard
>scrubbing isn't working
>try to scratch it off with your nail
>it goes under the nail, hard

>>6923686
I had the eggs happen to me too, and my dad didn't know they were for my birthday so he at half of them.

>>6924785
worked in a restaurant as a dishwasher and the sink just had a regular plughole, so when it got blocked up with scraps i just had to pull it all out. one day i chipped a plate without noticing and a large sliver of plate ended up in the plughole. i reach in to clear the plughole and slice my finger wide open. felt no pain for 24 hours, but there was a fuckton of blood.

>>6920330
>look so fucking cool,
That's eight got. Black people are so cool and nice!

>>6923485
>eating burrito
>notice a little bit starting to come out the other end
>try to take a bigger bite to get more filling so it stops
>even more comes out

>>6923591
I don't know why people don't just use their finger

>>6924785
>walk in my workshop without shoes one day
>metal splinter goes into the midsection of one of my toes
>literally caught and bent on the bone

>make bechamel for lasagna
>after 1 hour work lasagna is done
>sour as fuck
>turns out the milk used for the bechamel was an open carton from 3 weeks ago

>be 10
>want ramen
>mom says to be careful with the hot water, i could burn myself
>whatever mom
>dad asks if i need help pouring the water after it's boiling
>no, i can do it by myself
>pour it with no spills
>let cook in shitty Styrofoam
>open it to cool
>trip and spill contents on my chest
>parents rush to see what happens
>skin peeling off, was blackening a bit too iirc
>get patched up at ER
>brothers and sisters keep making fun of me for it since then

>>6919606
>put together giant delicious burger
>take first bite
>accidentally used Horse Radish instead of Sauerkraut

>>6920306
Supposedly some Chinese immigrants keep a long pinky nail to represent that they migrated from a poor/farming village

>>6919935
did it once too... strangely i enjoyed the experience.

>>6920320
>I've noticed from a very young age that black dudes nearly always have long, clawlike finger nails.
It's a vestigial trait from tree-climbing.

>drink coffee
>crema solidified into a film on top

>>6919870
every time

>>6928542
>coffee
>crema

>about to open soda
>tab breaks off
>can't get it open

>>6920022
i was just about to type this out

chinese water torture

>>6923676
Thats what you get for flipping eggs

>>6928564
had to mean CREAM, as crema doesn't "solidified" anyway.

>getting drunk
>move onto my second bottle of red
>cork won't budge
>pull as hard as I can
>half of the cork just rips off
>use knife
>other half of cork goes into bottle
>takes me ages just to pour half a shitty glass with bits of cork floating in it

>>6923686
My dad made me rake the yard when i was a kid and i would bitch about it so he got me a leaf blower for my birthday

>>6919630
Same with onion ring.

>Chicken Kiev
>Slightest flaw
>All the butter leaks out

>>6925094
I did that last night with a broken glass in my own sink. Poor finger

>working at the deep fry
>gun falls into oil and a bullet goes off striking that one really cute coworker in the head killing her

>>6930226
we've all lost someone like that anon

>>6923628
>>6923677
Somthing similar to this has happened to me
>be in room using laptop with headphones on
> parents call me for diner but I don't hear cause headphones
>they usually call again or come get me if I'm not down stairs in 30 seconds even if I yell back that I'll be down in a sec
>go down stairs cause I'm hungry
>the entire meal is gone mom tells me I have to make my own diner which I'm kinda ok with besides the fact my mom mad super dank bbq chicken for dinner
> about to look in the fridge and my mom says anon you can't use any of meat or veggies.
>literally the only think I'm allowed to eat is 1 can of tomato soup and an iceburg lettuce salad with ranch
>tell her she is gonna give me money to eat out cause that's bs and I'll sti be hungry
>gives me money
>damn McDonald's blows dick why the fuck did I spend the money there
> now my parents call for me literally every 5 seconds when diner is ready an I'm not at the table

>be eating food
>wake up
>remember im poor

>>6930226
nice try, nigger. even if the bullet managed to exit the oil, the friction of the oil would significantly reduce its velocity.

>>6919616
>REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

>>6930754
He should know. He went to college and learn all about oils.

>>6930754

Only if the gun is a large calibre hand gun, if it's just a .22 it will hardly slow down at all.

>>6930000
>Getting drunk on wine

That's your fucking problem right there

>>6919606
>bite into egg sandwich
>yolk breaks on opposite side
>everything drips onto fingers and plate

>peel freshly boiled eggs
>burn fingers

>>6930870
>some of the white gets stuck to the shell

>mummy makes me poached eggs with beans and soldiers to dip in
>stick soldier in first egg
>HARD YOLK
>stick soldier in second egg
>HARD YOLK

Ruined

>>6932383
>mummy
>beans and soldiers
u wot?

>>6932412

>Mummy - Mommy
>Beans - Baked Beans in tomato sauce or whatever it is
>Soldiers - thin strips of toast to dip in egg yolk WHEN IT'S FUCKING SOFT

>>6919742
>eat microwaveable french bread pizza
>go to take a bite
>three days later the roof of your mouth is peeling

>>6919989
why though?

>>6932420
Egg and Soldiers is God tier lunch.

What do foreigners call it?

>>6924785
Fuck nigga you me?
Piece of burnt egg stabbed me

>>6933047
Dippy eggs

>>6933058

You should really put a party hat on that.

>>6933047

Chucky eggs,

from northern england

>>6933058
Why are your eggs burning?

Eggs should be cooked on low heat and you can never walk away from them.

>>6923485
I didn't know taco bell burritos emitted light.

Or maybe my reading comprehension sucks.

>>6919606
>Cook bacon
>shirtless

>>6933047
eggs and toast

>>6925286
what's it look like now

>>6933085
>Eggs should be cooked on low heat and you can never walk away from them.
Sounds like you need to git gud.

>>6933090
they meant that there was a hole straight through the burrito due to all the junk falling out.

>>6933106
How cook egg?

>>6933085
Cooked perfect eggs, left some scramble on the pan, while I ate, didn't turn off the stove.