/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>be me, maybe 5 years ago
>want some easy Mac
>read instructions on package
>"add 2/3 cup of water "
>brainfart
>think it means two to three
>2 1/2 cups!
>end up with soupy Mac
>everyone still laughs at me about it

>be me
>roasting a whole chicken
>slightly overcook it
>breast meat is dry
>fall on my knife
>survive thanks to quick emt response
>forced to live with the shame of overcooking a chicken
>become an alcohol destorying his family

>6 years old
>brother tells me to make him bacon
>thought that you add water so I put bacon and water in a pan
>I made boiled bacon

>>6324644
...how was it?

>>6324665
If he added some spices and didn't drown the shit, probably not too bad

>>6324644
I do this if the bacon is super fatty and I want to render some bacon grease.

Eventually the water will evaporate and you'll still get crispy bacon

>>6324642
What alcohol did you become? This is CK after all.

>>6324644
>7 years old
>Helping my older brother make something in the kitchen
>He tells me that my favourite food at the time, potato salad, is made with raw potatoes
>Encourages me kindly to smear a whole raw potato with mayonnaise
>Watches me take a big bite
>Laughs

Another story
>5 years old
>Get some ice cream out of the freezer
>Tub has some ice on it
>I eat the ice
>My brother tells me that freezer ice is poisonous and I will die in a few hours
>Mum comes home from the shop
>Finds me washing my tongue with washing up liquid
>Turn to her with tears in my eyes
>"This will wash the poison away, won't it mummy?"
>My brother laughs

>Family coming over for dinner
>Get up early that morning to prep beef shin stew to go in the slow cooker
>gonnabedelicious.png
>20 minutes before everyone arrives, I go to check on the food
>The slow cooker is not plugged in

>>6324603
since i see a bunch of failures from childhood, i'll share mine
>be 5 or 6, i forget, helping mom make dinner
>sitting on a stool we had, portioning out the spices for her.
>"anon, pass mom the butter, please"
>reach over to get the butter
>lean too far over and fall
>stick my arm out to break my fall, break wrist instead
>crying, pain, go to hospital for cast
>no clue what happened to the dinner, i can only assume it got tossed for being half done.

>be me
>put oil on the pan
>it's not oil
>i'm holding my dick
>it's semen

it was delicious

>Have a big bag of old ass stale potato chips
>Be super drunk
>Remember that I read somewhere that you could microwave stale potato chips to make them un-stale
>Put chips in the microwave
>Go and take a shit and drunk text some ladies
>Return to microwave to retrieve chips
>Chip bag turns into molten lava and adheres to my had burning the shit out of it
>Shriek like a little bitch and wake up roommates
>Stick hand in toilet as sink is full of dishes
>Be me 10 years later and still have a a scarred up hand from a bag of Lays
>Tell chicks it was from a hunting accident
>Yee

A dishwasher who got put on the fryers; he's doing fine until he gets asked to drop a bunch of fries at once - we have a bucket of freshly cut potatoes in water waiting to be drained, kid actually dumps the bucket, water and all, straight into the vat

>>6325382
was he horribly burned or did the fryer just boil over?

>>6325388
he got away without any injuries, but fucked the fryer, obviously. Somehow the oil didn't hit any exposed flames, so it really just made a gigantic mess and melted his shoes. I honestly thought the reaction would've been more...violent all around

>>6324864
Damn, that sucks bro.

So did you do eggs and toast or order out? :)

>>6324851
>washing up liquid
Is this some britbong term I haven't heard before?

>>6327657
I sent everybody home with nothing.


That's a lie. We ordered pizza. Everyone laughed and had a jolly old time.

>>6327678
Uh, I guess you yanks call it dish soap or some shit.

>>6327695
Yeah, just messing around. I'm gonna call it washing up liquid from now on.

>>6324864
I'm cooking a pork shoulder in the crock pot right now and you can smell it throughout the house.

I'm calling bullshit.

lol.where in heaven or hell did you get that pic. shopped or not. Thank's ck. fell out my chair laughing. (Mom was Britt,Dad USA, as were uncles, in war two, I have several German cousins, and a history buff myself .By marriage, many Japanese. Try not too f it up ck.Or African or MidEast, we all bleed red. I know, many hate this.... but...ask anyway... Isreal, lot of land, otherwise,why picking on them?It's tiny. I have nothing against true Islam, nor any other religions, hell, I dislike many of my own "ilk". fire breathing "preachers" who have not known God. I feel sorry for them Do the best you can. that's tough enough.

>>6327805
Israel will not fail. though Christian.myself.just the way it is. And Arabic nations are great, (well,you better know what you are doing...things can turn very bad in a heartbeat.) but great, never had a problem with true Islam. linda like Christianity. we are supposed to proystelelazive. just not point of a sword anymore.I have read the Koran. unlike many. would never "flush" it. Some is hard to believe, and some pretty , well brutal. and you get a crowd... any faith or denomitation, they want blood..Same as old and new testamentsnothing much changes. except maybe you. Ilike hall'all or chickpea fallafel, or motzball or chicken noodle. or ribs. same difference.I teach you this.. all turns on a gem... forgive your enemies...I did not say that He did. Actually, who is thy neighbor? do likewise.

>first time using deep fryer
>dad tells me to put the nuggets in
>hands me a sieve scooper
>look at it for 5 seconds
>throw nuggets in like a basketball
>SON WHY
>lesson learned

>10 years later
>cooking fried chicken tenders by myself
>fuck I'm really hungry
>repeat

>>6327805
>>6327877

>13 years old
>making mashed/whipped potatoes with a friend
>using an egg beater
>dumb ass self leans in to smell potatoes
>forget about my extremely long hair
>AUGHAUGHUGH
I turned the beaters off before I was snatched bald, but god damn that was terrifying.

>>6327805
>>6327877

ROG, you're alright.

>being baby sat by neighbor like 12 years ago
>she is like 15 and a bit ditzy
>makes me kool-aid
>adds 6 cups of sugar
That shit was like syrup
I wonder how long it took to stir that up

>sister makes brownies
>they come out of the oven like tar
>I ask what happened
>she says we had no eggs so she said fuck it
>mfw it took 2 weeks of soaking scraping and washing to get that pan clean

>Be me
>Always order chicken fried steak at diners
>Mom knows I love it
>Says she's making it one night
>She just puts breading on regular steaks and bakes them in the oven

I appreciated the good intentions, but good god.

PS
>green text is hard to read
>does not indicate you are smart
infact indicates about 10 or ten years behind. I don't care,
<stopped reading green text.
- my eyes, my eyes, they, they feel better. better.

First time I ever made a lasagna, I must have fucked up the mixture because it basically-tomato came out like some bizarre ricotta soup. Didnt hold at all and swished around in the pan

>>6329454
Holy fuck, phone.

Basically came out as tomato-ricotta soup.

>>6329454
Why are you putting ricotta in a lasagne ?

>Mother-in-law uses put to boil milk
>She leaves heat on high as she goes away to do some other shit
>comes back 10 minutes later
>bottom of pan has this burnt layer of crust on it
>impossible to get out
>left soaking for days, nothing would get that shit out
>finally after days of attempts it comes off
>she does the same the next day
>"I just don't know whats up with this pan"

>>6329469

Because bechamel lasagna is frozen food tier garbage from yuroshit countries

>>6329522
Plebeian detected.

>>6324603
>be me
Fuckoff. Who else would you be? I fucking hate this 'be me' shit. Go to reddit or >>>/b/.

>>6329555
Summer must be here because you're misusing the green text tool and it rustles my jimmies. Also nice trips. Did you just get here from gaia online? I hear that is where all the newfags come from. I bet you can't even triforce.

>be total retard in the world of cooking
>this one fine bitch I wanna slam says she likes it when guys cook for her
>decide now is my time
>set up a time for her to come over to my place
>gonna cook her a romantic dinner and shit
>she seems excited
>a bit before she comes over I fly to /ck/
>learn what I can in 30 minutes about cooking
>decide I know enough and wanna boil some lobsters
>hell fucking yeah
>go over to the market and get four of their finest lobsters
>read somewhere online to bring a chill-chest to keep the lobsters in
>do just that
>walk around the store with my delicious friends in their new chilly home
>don't know how dumb I look
>bring them home
>have a bit of time before girl comes over
>decide to make some biscuits as an appetizer
>read somewhere that as a fun family game you can put coins inside biscuits and have people break them open
>think I'm gonna get lucky so I put a condom in hers
>lol I'm so suave
>she arrives
>tell her I'm just about to boil the lobsters
>she's obviously unfamiliar with the high art of boiling
>inform it must be done while they're alive
>she's really upset
>assure her they feel no pain
>put two of 'em in a pot of water
>want them to boil quickly so put flame on high
>leave the kitchen so we can chat it up on the couch
>a few minutes pass
>present her with the biscuits
>tell her to break hers open for a surprise wink wink
>she does
>nothing in hers
>take a big chomp of mine
>the most disgusting taste of rubber and plastic fills my mouth
>jesus christ it baked into the biscuit
>what was I thinking

>>6329563
Keep going, I love this pasta. The cleats make it.

>he freaks the fuck out
>asks if the soups are screaming
>say "if you were being boiled alive, wouldn't you?"
>why the fuck did I say that
>smoke starts coming from kitchen
>oh fuck
>remember I left the paper bag with the other two soups near the burner
>fly in there
>water is on a rapid fucking boil sending hot ass water everywhere
>paper bag is on fire
>oh fuck
>only one soup is ash
>there were two
>where the fuc-
>one of the soups is clear in the hell on the other side of the kitchen
>it's rolling around to avoid flame and boiling water
>mootiekins starts screaming
>run up to can
>stomp on it
>I'm wearing my cleats
>soup goes everyewhere
>mertles stops screaming
>the room is covered in spaghetti and soup
>he just looks horrified
>look over to him
>decide to just go for it and say "bon appetit, wanna fuck?"
>he slaps me and leaves a turd in my toilet
>tells all his friends who tell all my friends
>the chins now call me chef boy-r-dumb

raptor jesus fucking christ

>>6329522

>not putting bechamel in your lasagna
kekkest of keks

>>6327736
Is that a hammy down?

>making cheese sauce for the first time
>comes out fine, but a bit thick
>add some milk
>shit, now it's too thin
>add some flour
>shit, it's gotten too thick again
>repeat several times
>end up with about four pints of lumpy, floury milk

>>6325336
You're fucking retarded. Why not put them on a plate

>>6329442
>I actually don't read a story unless its green text. Fuck you old timer

>>6325336
this is why outdating natural selection is a bad thing

>>6324630
My girlfriends brothers did the same when making pizza dough once.
They had to bake four pizzas instead of the usual one.

>making boxed mac and cheese
>take empty box to the trash can
>proceed to tear open the cheese packet and dump it into the trash

>>6324603
>Pyrex baking dish

You should blame Pryex for using inferior soda glass to cause this problem in the first place

>decide to make a sweet potato in the microwave
>put it in for too long cause I always just hit a random time and watch it like a hawk till I think it's done
>I accidentally forget it while still in there for an long time
>house is filled with sweet potato smoke in all rooms
>spend the rest of the day attempting to get all the smoke out
>entire house smelled like burnt sweet potato for days, it was even in the shower curtain

I burnt a lot of food by accident before but that was by far the worst burning I ever experienced. Burnt sweet potatoes will wreck your place like no other food for some reason.

>making mashed potatoes
>recipe calls for 2 tablespoons of salt
>somehow misread it
>put 2 cups of salt in instead
>never realize I did anything wrong until someone takes the first bite and immediately spits it out
We had to throw it out, it was literally inedible.

>>6324851
Why are older brothers such shitheads? I hated growing up with mine and I hope he has tons of kids that were as awful as he was.

Put some pecans in a pan with garlic, sesame oil, salt, and paprika last night. Turned it on low heat and immediately forgot about it. They didn't char or anything but they basically turned to straight carbon. They looked great but I took a bite and couldn't get the bitter taste out of my mouth for over an hour.

>Go to grills house I am trying to date for "thanksgiving dinner" with her housemates
>Bring wine
>Get there right as dinner is "done"
>Stove Top Stuffing
>Turkey so dry its unable to be eaten
>No gravy
>Literally NO SEASONING on anything
>Cornbread from a box that didnt rise
>Potatoes watery like soup
>Like WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY DO
>Choke it down, feel physically ill
>Go into kitchen to put my dish in the sink
>Come face to face with a blender
>Its filled with potatoes
>OH GOD NO
>Ask them how they made the potatoes
>Oh, we just ran the potatoes through the blender, it was so much easier
>Oh-ok
>At least we banged for a year before she unleashed her batshit crazy side and tried to stab my dog for barking
>Never EVER let her cook for me

I cant describe the texture of the potatoes. It was like when you get Italian ice (also know as water ice) and let it melt 75% of the way, then mix it up

>>6327736
Basically, after I prepped it, I went back to bed and forgot about it until people were arriving soon

>>6329709
>Making cheese sauce for the first time
>I have no idea what I did wrong
>Thought I followed the recipe perfectly
>Comes out as basically thick lumpy cheese glue
>No saving this
>Take pan through the back garden into an alleyway and tip it out
>Nothing comes out of the pan
>Throw pan in bush
>nobodycaneverknow.mp4

>>6330099
three dubs nice

>>6327736
what a way to ruin a shoulder . get a fuckin smooker m8

>>6329573
"anon are the soups screaming?"

>>6329834
>You should blame Pryex for using inferior soda glass to cause this problem in the first place

>mfw I read that pyrex have been making cookware the same way for decades

>except in the USA where they switched to cheap tempered glass

Top kek.

>>6330121

Wait wut. I'm not a Yank what are thanksgiving potatoes supposed to be?

Were they trying to make mashed potato by blending raw potatoes?

Postng this so I can enlarge the image. Pls ignore

>>6329563
>>6329573
God damn it. Just post the fucking original.

>>6330471
And they call this generation "digital natives".

>>6330576
I'm 38. I don't think I'm "this generation"

>>6325284
kek i wrote that

never knew they capped it

>>6330639
That's almost worse. You posted that image because you couldn't figure out how to view it otherwise?

>>6330639
>>6330471

You should fetch your legal guardian when you encounter problems like this in the future. It's really not safe to let the mentally handicapped handle something as complex as a computer by themselves.

>>6330471

>>6329643
Nope. Bought it at Target a couple of years ago.

>>6330264
Hurr Durr, Mah Smoker...It's 10 fucking degrees outside and I had to work all day. Crock Pot is love. Crock Pot is life.

>>6330880
>10 fucking degrees outside

So what? It's not like you have to stand there the whole time. Load up the smoker, get it going, come back later.

So I'm away at college but still close enough I can come back any weekend if I want to. I decide to go home to watch a football game. My parents went out of town for the weekend and the house is empty but wreaks like rancid asshole
Look at stove and there is week old broccoli water on the stove
Fuck that was miserable

>>6330455
Yes.

Most families have mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving.

>>6330455
Kinda. It seems like they overcooked them to shit, then just blended them with the cooking water.

In reality in case you bongs dont do mashed potatoes
>Cook potatoes nicely
>Add milk, butter, spices (I usually put garlic and chives but I am a simple guy)
>Smash them with something flat
>Repeat till desired consistance (Some like chunks, some like smooth)

Either way they are supposed to be firm

>>6324644

actually it's a good thing if you want the fat to go out.

>>6325331

For what i've seen, it not looks delicious

>>6331763
Important step you left out for anyone who genuinely doesn't into mash: drain the water before mashing spuds.

>Be me, about 11 years old
>School day and I've had pop-tarts for about 4 days in a row
>Decide I want something different
>Decide I want some oatmeal
>Grab a plastic bowl and some oatmeal mix
>Fill the bowl halfway with water
>Add the mix in
>Stick it in the microwave
>Accidentally put in 14:30 without thinking twice
>Few minutes later I start seeing smoke from the kitchen
>Ohshitohshit.jpg
>Run to kitchen
>See that the smoke is coming from the microwave
>See the timer and it still has a few minutes
>Realize mistake
>Stop timer and open microwave
>Clear out the smoke and look inside
>The fucking bowl melted and the oatmeal burned
>The kitchen smelt like burnt plastic for a month

>>6329834
Its a dummy problem, not a soda glass problem. Pyrex is durable, not magic. Any pyrex be it borosilicate glass or soda glass will explode if you take it from flaming hot to ice cold instantly.

>>6331855
These people just cant into thermal shock

>>6327805
>>6327877
What. The. Fuck.

>>6329555
You're a fucking piece of work.
>be me
started here. I don't know about redshit or twatter, or where ever the fuck you're from, but fuck you.

>>6331893
there's some skizoid poster around, you'll see him in a few other threads, drugs are bad mmkay.

>>6331855
>Someone told me pyrex mugs would bounce if you dropped them onto concrete.
>I dropped a pyrex mug 3 times onto concrete, and it just bounced
>Hey grandma, watch this!
>I drop the same mug, it shatters into a million pieces
>"oh ok dear..." she starts cleaning it up
>RIP grandma :, (

>>6331909
She killed herself because of you

>>6331909
You found out what Chemists have known for decades. When it doesn't matter glassware will survive a fall, the second it matters in the least, glassware will shatter.

>>6331918

This is true.

> be me
> drinking 40s with a friend (Old-English)
> finish bottle, decide to cause some damage
> hold the bottle, spin with the force of a thousand suns, and release it perfectly to launch it into the air
> must have gotten like 100 feet up in the air
> middle of a big intersection
> Thisgonnbegood.jpg
> Fucking shit meteors down and fucking BOUNCES... an empty glass bottle fucking bounces like 3 times and just rolls away
> bottle is like "deal with it"
> fuck you

>about 13 years old
>home alone
>decide to make rice krispies treats
>mix ingredients
>set oven to 400
>bake for 20 minutes
>krispies hard as a rock
>maybe I have to let them cool
>still hard
>maybe if I cover them in peanut butter they'll soften
>still hard and now covered in peanut butter
>cut two pieces with a steak knife
>eat both to try to prove to myself I did nothing wrong

>>6329811
>implying this is a fail

>22
>making fish fingers, frozen veggies & potatoes
>that needs two pans and one pot
>only have one pan
>and only 2 places to heat things, plus that mini oven I use for frozen pizza
>(student, single. get over my low level cooking)
> anyway, decide to make fish fingers in the oven while multitasking the other things
>set off smoke alarm in the whole building

other
>same place, same age, same oven
>decide to make frozen pizza into edible pizza
>set oven on fire in the process
>kinda push it into the sink with a long spoon, turn on water to put out fire
>smoke alarm does not go off
>pizza is kill

Today

>get off work hella early, swing by comissary and get ribeye.
>heat up my cast iron in the oven while heating up some peanut oil to deep fry some potato I just cut
>Throw steak in cast iron
>Put fries in oil, all at once. Realize my error.
>I used a smaller (6-7") pan because making literally one potato worth of fries.
>See the oil quickly bubbling up, fuck.
>It goes over the edge, I knew what was going to happen next.
>fire erupts, I grab the pan, put it in my sink, not giving a shit about the possible water explosion.
>Extinguish both fires, the one on my stove and the one in my sink.
>Cast iron is smoking now, flip my ribeye and turn the heat down.
>Steak turned out shitty and the fries were actually alright.

Shitty day.

>>6330471
jesus FUCK carbonara isnt supposed to have any cream in it.

>be like 12 years old
>home alone during the summer as i am to young to work and too old for daycare and my mom works
>decide to make some noodles
>those shitty tri color salad spiral noodles
>get big pot boiling
>add noodles
>get about 2/3rds of the way done and see pot of coffee next to stove
>autistic lightbulb goes off in my head and i add the coffee to the boiling noodles
>finish boiling them and decide to try one
>tastes like absolute shit
>dump whole pot in garbage
>sulk and rethink my life

>>6331909
I like Corelle plates because they're thin, lightweight and fairly shatter proof when dropped a few times. But after a few drops it does break into a million tiny shards.

>>6330471
>cream
>barely any pepper

It's shit.

>>6330071
>two tablespoon of salt
Jesus, how much mash were you making!?

>>6331967
Slav detected

>>6329407
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlLiGkTipQk&t=60

>>6329442
Just highlight the text if you're eyes a shit.

>>6329555
> be me

Stopped reading right there.

>>>/out/

>7 years old
>Often help in the kitchen but never allowed to make a dish myself
>Parents finally let me cook something, scrambled eggs.
>Igotthis.jpg
>Consistency turned out fine, not runny, not brown.
>Small bits of eggshell throughout.
>Knew it was fail, instantly thinking about self-correction, stepdad continues to fault me for it for over 10 years. Never heard the end of it.
>Eggshell bits left maybe twice in the two decades of cooking many eggs since
Rotten cunt, he was.

>>6324603
>cleaning spoon
>water hits it at high velocity
>goes absolutely everywhere

i think you can figure out what happened here

>>6334423
You think spoons are bad, try accidentally turning the tap on one of these murderous steam inverting fuckers.
>DOWN IS NOW UP

>>6334418
Later in life...
>First "girlfriend" in sophomore year of high school.
>Want to impress her with dinner, decide on Chicken Saltimbocca, flatten & stuff chicken early with prosciutto and (Provolone? Swiss? Can't quite recall) and pepper, pair it with spaghetti and green beans because dumb and spaghetti.
>Time everything out horribly, chicken is already done when she shows up and I'm ready to drop the pasta in the water.
>Green beans just going on to steam, didn't leave oven on low so chicken is cooling, pan-heating alfredo from jar because pleb then.
>She mentions her family way of checking the pasta, throwing it at the fridge to see if a noodle sticks. I've literally never heard of this before.
>Try to be cute and let us both do the 'throw test' which 'passes', I drain the pasta and chomp a green bean, they need more time.
>Beans finally finish, service time.
>Chicken is now warm at best, pasta is about 2/3rds to al dente, green beans are the only thing that's hot.
>mfw
>She's still super-impressed that I even took this amount of effort, says it still tastes fine.
>I can't hear her through all this uncooked spaghetti I'm holding.
And that's when I first started giving serious thought to pacing.

>>6334424
The mommy pizza cheated on the daddy pizza with a black guy?

>>6324603
>be my sister
>can't cook for shit
>Try to make cereal
>We're out of milk
>Let's try using coca cola!
>eat it
>whatwasIthinking.jpeg

>>6334458
when i was a kid i thought homeless people had to put water in their cereal because they were too poor to afford milk

>>6324630
>my step-mom's brother is watching my siblings and I for the night
>he decides to make mac-n-cheese
>the colander is dirty
>instead of quickly washing it, he just leaves all the water in the mac
>mfw

>>6334423
>washing ice cream scoop
>faucet on full blast
>accidentally let it hit the concave side of the scoop
>water three feet in the air

>>6334535
Trailer park life.

>>6334463
I ate sugar packets once when I was starving and homeless.

>high as fuck
>got serious munchies for some dish with macaronis
>fucking forget how to cook macaronis
>read the instructions on the box
>go out for a smoke while the macaronis are boiling
>come back
>they're charred and smoking
>i mistook water for macaronis, so i took 6dl pasta and 1dl water
>got a pizza instead
>it was delicious

>>6334724
>friend has been smoking all night
>wants mac & cheese
>asks her if she knows how to use a gas stove
>she says she does
>leave her alone downstairs to cook
>a few minutes later she comes upstairs
>"hey is your stove supposed to smell like gas"
>go downstairs
>just the pilot is on, the entire kitchen smells of gas
That's the last time I let her cook.

>be me in middle school
>try to make puppy chow
>just roll some chex mix in cocoa powder
>take a bite
>no.jpg

>last year
>really hungry
>decide to make bananas
>figure they would be good fried in brown sugar
>expect it to crisp up
>didn't bread it or anything
>it turned into gross mush

>>6334740
Holy shit man that could've ended badly! Did you atleast bang her?

>>6334740
i don't believe you