/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>go to Dairy Queen every day for lunch because killer lunch combos
>decide to try something different, ask for small Oreo Blizzard with combo
>"Don't you usually get a Heath Blizzard?"
>"Yeah, I just.. wanted to try something different today"
>nope the fuck out and go to McD's across the street for the next few weeks

>>6302117

>go to Tim Hortons
>order two donuts
>coffee with some milk
>doncha want cream?
>yes I want cream that's why I said milk
>go across the street to McDonalds
>girl at drive in starts to stalk me
>stay home, listen to audio books and just have Mom make me mackie cheese

>guy at the liquor store asks what I do for a living, where I'm from etc
>forced to quit drinking

>>6302090

>go to local Burger King
Order Whooper with cheese, small fries, choco milk shake
>girl asks, is that all?
>no, I forgot to tell you. you have great tits
>end up marrying girl
>live in Mom;s basement together
>listen to audio books and eat pizza

>>6302141
Wrong attitude. My local package store owner and I are cool. We bitch about local politics and the weather. We're cool enough that the old guy gives me a fifth for Christmas and my birthday every year.

>>6302176

Imagine if he asked you if you had ever been molested as a kid or have you ever jerked off thinking about a family member.

That is basically the equivalent of how uncomfortable normal small talk questions make me feel.

>>6302090
stop posting this shit you retarded jewburger

>>6302194
You can't talk about the weather? The new traffic lights? The stupid new bike lanes? The budget increase for the city council? How bad the game was last night?

Small talk isn't about the size of your peepee or whether you sniff your cousin's underwear. 99% of the human race doesn't give a crap about your sad life. They just want to bitch about the snow and once you're out of sight you are out of mind, snowflake.

>>6302235
>whether you sniff your cousin's underwear

god dammit how did you know?

>>6302194
So have you been molested or jerked off to your aunt?

so nobody realizes this is ancient copypasta i guess but me....wonderful. kill me now.

>>6302235
>Small talk isn't about the size of your peepee or whether you sniff your cousin's underwear
When a person asks me what I do for a living or about sports it may as well be about those. I was just trying to convey how uncomfortable people starting up a conversation makes me feel

>99% of the human race doesn't give a crap about your sad life
It's not about me thinking they care at all. I just don't feel comfortable doing it. I don't think somebody should be allowed to talk to me unless it's absolutely necessary to complete a transaction or something. I'm basically on the verge of a panic attack in any public place and people speaking to me makes it even worse.

>>6302254
we aren't talking about the OP here, nobody really cares

>walk into mcdong's
>wait in line
>my turn to order
>qt employee looks right in my eyes, bright smile
>"hi, how are you?"
>frown, stare at donation box next to register
>ten seconds pass, she knows somethings up
>visibly sweating at this point
>breathing heavily through my open mouth
>whole body is vibrating, cant move
>eyes locked on donation box
>qt: "umm..."
>stammer out "uh...i-i...i..."
>15 seconds pass
>arms straight out by my sides, hands flat, fingers extended
>legs locked, back straight, neck hunched over
>begin loudly and violently clearing my throat
>"i-i...i..."
>suddenly gasp loudly, makes a horrible squeak
>eyes open wide, whole body shaking violently
>sweat dripping down face, drops falling from my chin hit the floor in a small puddle
>sprint to door at top speed, collide with old woman there with her husband
>recieve stares from passerby as i sprint down the block
>hide in a bush in the back of a parking lot for 15 min
>realize i have to get home
>speed-walk out of there and down the block in the direction opposite mcdongers
>approach middle aged woman from behind at crosswalk
>squeak out a "helo" barely audibly
>say "hello" again, this time almost shouting
>she yelps and turns around, startled
>"do... do you have a phone?"
>she looks at me, then smiles
>"of course, sweetie!"
>gets phone from purse and hands to me
>hands shaking, struggling to open shitty flip phone
>hands sweaty as fuck, fingers slipping, keep pressing wrong buttons
>takes forever to type, i can feel her looking at me
>finally press call, hear phone ringing
>crosswalk signal changes to walk
>still waiting with phone up to ear
>stare at signal
>woman is getting impatient
>finally mom picks up
>"hi can you pick me up?"
>"ok where are you at?"
>"mcdonalds."
>fuck why did i say that
>"okay but it'll be a little bit, can you wait?"
>"yeah"
>okay bye
>crosswalk signal is counting down seconds
>hand flip phone to woman
>slips out of my sweaty hands
cont.

>>6302267
>When a person asks me what I do for a living or about sports it may as well be about those.
I really cannot grasp how "hey! our team is undefeated!" equals "does your uncle like to touch you?" If a clerk asks you how you are doing just smile and say "gettin' it done" and leave it at that. That response does not invite further conversation and hides your autism.

> I'm basically on the verge of a panic attack in any public place and people speaking to me makes it even worse.
>>6302289
Is this you?

Gods, I weep for your generation.

>audibly crack as phone hits the pavement, screen's fucked
>pause for a moment
>she looks at me with concern
>sprint back to mcd's with her staring at me
>pace in parking lot muttering to myself for 30 mins
>people inside staring at me
>finally mom comes in shitty minivan
>get in and slam door
>shes just sitting there
>makes eye contact through rearview mirror
>"did u have a good time?"
>"yeah"
>"what did you get?"
>"uhh"
>"chicken nuggets"
>"okay!"
>lets fuckin go
>drive home in silence
>listen to audiobooks in my room
pic related, jesus laughin at me

>>6302309
LOL who the fuck would say getting it done unironically? holy shit. you remind me of my dad he's such an embarrassment to be around in public. hes way too comfortable interacting with other people - you can tell he's making them nervous.

sadly, I have known people like this. injured or hurt,early on, who knows.I know, a regular on ck. but maybe true. I weep for them, and try to
be friends. they need one. and more of them than you might think

>>6302310
Heres my McDonlads experience:

Standing in the line, I order a vanilla milk shake (“Extra -thick,” I warn the guy, who just shakes his head and flips on a machine) and take it to a table up front. Two waitresses from the Cat Club walk in after me and sit in the booth across from mine, both smiling flirtatiously. I play it cool and ignore them. An old, crazy woman, wrinkled, chain-smoking, sits near us, nodding at no one. A police car passes by, and after two more milk shakes my high slowly dissolves, its intensity diminishing. I grow bored, tired; the evening seems horribly anticlimactic and I start cursing myself for not going to that Salvadorian bistro with the guys. The two girls linger, still interested. I check my watch. One of the Mexicans working behind the counter stares at me while smoking a cigarette and he studies the stains on the Soprani jacket in a way that suggests he’s going to say something about it, but a customer comes in, one of the black guys who tried to sell me crack earlier, and he has to take the black guy’s order. So the Mexican puts out his cigarette and that’s what he does.
>mfw

>>6302326
negt;dr

>>6302254
Everyone knows it's pasta. No one has even acknowledged the OP, retard.

>>6302090
I sometimes forget that pasta like this was actually written by someone, it's not just a funny pasta. Who are these people and why don't they understand?

>Go into Maccas
>Get my food
>Don't have existential crisis

Not that hard you bunch of faggots

>>6302317
Sounds like you projecting.

>>6302326
Hi Bateman :)

>>6302335
they're comedians manipulating gullible people like you into spreading their works.

>>6302350

No you projecting

>>6302350
projecting is such a "meme" thing to say. you're not even using it right.

>>6302364
They aren't doing well then since I have never posted pasta in my entire life. But you knew that since you are so smart, yeah?

>walk into mcdiddlers and wait in line
>my turn to order comes up
>the employee, a tall, thin man with neatly combed hair and bright eyes greets me with a smile.
>"Hello sir, a lovely day, wouldn't you say? My name is Robert, and what may I call you?"
>"Those who are unfamiliar with me call me stranger, those who are close call me friend. But those in between, those oft-forgotten acquaintances, may refer to me simply as Charles. Or Charlie, if you might prefer, it makes no difference to me."
>"But Charles, or Charlie, one's calling is intricate to one's identity. The former brings a more formal, more elegant tone, while the latter evokes feelings of youthfulness, carefree and warm. Certainly a choice must be made, but the decision is not mine."
>"Then you, Robert, may call me Charles. I have no wish to be associated with my past, for memories of my youth may haunt me for time to come."
>"Charles, Charles, Charles... you may not be fond of your past, but it is your past that made you. Is this, therefore, not essentially your identity? Share with me your troubles, and I shall offer comfort, as well as a way of overcoming them."
>"Very well... so I shall confide with you my memories of utmost disturbance. My mind is scarred with the memory of my uncle, who, in a drunken state, stumbled his way into my room late at night, as I lay, dreaming peacefully. But his actions weren't limited to stumbling. Now, my mind forbids me to continue. Shall we, then, proceed in our business?"
>"Right we shall, Charles. What then do you wish to dine upon this day?"
>order a big mac and medium drink with fries
>recieve food
>sit at booth and eat fries
>about to eat big mac
>"Go on, take a bite."
>i look up and see Robert leaning on the table, looking up at me with a smile
>"Tell me how it is."
>take a bite, swallow
>he waits patiently for me to finish
>"The Big Mac. It's an excellent sandwich, although I must say I prefer the Quarter Pounder myself." he says
cont.

>"Indeed. Simple, and yet elegant. The transposition of tomato with the perfect amount of lettuce gives a rare sense of complexity for a sandwich of its kind."
>"These moments are what make the trivialities of life so fruitful. Until we meet again, Charles. Next time you are in need of satiating your appetite, I will be here."
>"Farewell then, my... friend."

>>6302235
>How bad the game was last night?
>watching sports

>>6302182
>that image on obama's computer
holy shit I haven't seen that in years. do they still post that on /b/?

>>6303908
yes. on /tv/ and /v/, too.

people still fall for it

>>6302394
you spread it by mere fact of enabling those who post it - aka by posting in this very thread.

dont take it so personally - i wasnt saying its a bad thing. in fact... i take it as a compliment. you may not be aware of this fact, but i am actually one of those such comedians. Yes yes, i have crafted many of the well known posts you have enjoyed time and time again.

... As well as some less successful posts that didnt take off. But you cant let it get to you. In my line of work you're bound to have some flops.

Stale copypasta

>>6302289
>>6302310
Honey dinner's ready, stop posting on your Annie May forum and wash up for supper.

>>6302090
Good Pasta, but here's the reality
Oh no! you became a regular and employees greet you with exceptional service, AND wanted you to come inside so you don't freeze. Stupid loser, what are you afraid of people?

Are you the Irish Stew guy?!?!

>>6304068
You're doing god's work anon

>walk into mcdancingman with my reusable hemp-woven ketchup satch
>head on over to the ketchup pumps and start to fill my satch
>suddenly I feel a crass aura emanating behind me
>"Sorry sir, you have to use the condiment cups," the young nubile whispers to me
>"Sorry sir, you have to use the condiment cups," I reply back to the nubile with my teeth showing
>her aura dampens and she returns to the till
>I walk up and look at her warm face for 10 seconds before tilting my view upward toward the menu
>"I would like to have the 10 piece of chicken nuggets, okay?"
>I empty the contents of my bottom-leftmost cargo pocket onto the counter and again show my teeth
>The nubile searches through the torn polymer sheetbags and drink stops for 19 metal discs of varying mass and hue
>she hands me a the 10 pieces of chicken nuggets, which I hurriedly consume
>"Have a nice day now," her words cutting
>I leave and never return