/ck/ - Food & Cooking

Very early one morning I was cooking some bacon and eggs for supper (for me, an early supper is before midnight). Unfortunately, I was out of eggs.

A few months earlier, my younger brother told me that if I needed eggs, he had plenty -- just come and get them. So I went and got a couple of eggs from his refrigerator. He was asleep so I didn't bother to ask him.

I was boiling the eggs. They floated pretty high in the water. When I took the shell off, instead of having one air bubble dent on one end, they had one on each end.

I couldn't smell anything bad with them and so I carefully took a bite. They tasted off, but not bad.

So I went ahead and ate them with the bacon, hash browns, and toast.

I later found out from my younger brother that those were the same eggs he had told me months earlier to be free and eat. They were at least six months old.

With that, he did cure me out of raiding his refrigerator.

>>5984044
This one time I made a huge dinner for about 20 or so people, It was for my birthday, but no one showed up. Had to eat that for lunch and dinners the remaining week

>>5984080
It's ok :)

>>5984080
why did you cook for 20 people if no one was coming?

also, no one out of an expected 20 people came?

>>5984080
Whaaaat! They must not have been very good friends then. :(

>>5984044
>you mistook sugar for salt
I kind of did this as a third grader when I was trying to make my mom's simple-as-fuck brownie recipe. For some reason, I thought the recipe called for 1 cup of salt and not 1 tsp/tbsp/whatever small measurement it was. I realized the fuck up before I finished mixing it, but added a few ingredients past that before thinking, "That was so wrong you idiot."

My boss told me a story where she was making pea salad (peas, mayo/vinegar, celery, onion, cheese cubes, etc.) and thought the peas weren't brightly colored enough, so she thought she'd make the peas brighter by adding some green food coloring. Looked like a sad food abortion. Sometimes I think about neon green pea salad with sad grey peas still in it and laugh.

>>5984044
>decide to make hamburger steak with a milk gravy over it
>hamburger might have been a bit past its date
>garlic powder shakers explodes over sauce

only dish ive ever had to throw out

>>5984112

>thought the food mistake was making something called a pea salad with cheese cubes

>lold hard at sad food abortion

>be little 12 year old shit
>mom teaching me how to cook
>we make a key lime pie
>"but mom limes are green why is the pie yellow i want a green pie"
>pats me on the head and tells me to just finish it up
>stupid bitch i want a green pie
>drop a couple drops of green food coloring into the mix
>hmm not really too green, think ill add more
>end up emptying entire bottle into mix
>it was one of those big bottles of dye so now the pie is soupy and looks like nuclear baby shit

and now i make a very good key lime pie

>>5984080
>grandma has dementia
>she's 90 years old but surprisingly can walk around and is mobile enough to take the bus to the grocery store and other places
>occasionally she gets at-home care from a private hospice just to check on her
>last year we came to visit her for her birthday
>she welcomed us and seemed really excited
>we noticed that she had set placements in her dining room
>mac n cheese, burnt little muffins with a single candle in each, dollar store soda
>we asked her who the plates and food were for
>she replied for her friends and went on to list ~12 or so people that she insisted would show up at any minute
>almost all, with the exception of two, were deceased
>and the two had been in nursing homes for the last five years and had dropped contact
>my grandma for some reason thought it was 1982
>we had to tell her that it was 2013 and all of her friends were dead
>she didn't cry, she just replied "Oh.."
>she asked how each of them died
>we didn't know or remember, so we gave vague answers
>she stared blankly at the burning candles
>we could see tears welling in her eyes
>it was a good seven minutes of silence before we noticed a burning smell emanating from the kitchen
>something was distantly on fire in the oven
>grandma had made "Birthday dough" out of windex, candle wax, bubble gum, and flour
>she had baked it in the oven at 400F for approximately an hour
>most horrifying smell ever
>grandma began laughing hysterically and didn't tell us the ingredient list until we coaxed it out of her hours later

Grandma went into a nursing home after that.

>>5984157
this a look into the abyss

>>5984157
>she didn't cry, she just replied "Oh.."
that got me right in the feels man

>>5984157
Oh my God, you win. Unfortunately.

>>5984074
o_O

>>5984115
What is a hamburger steak?
What is milk gravy?

>>5984044
I was 9yo and wanted marshmallow cream stuff for my ice cream.

Got a pot, got some marchmallows and threw it on the stove and walked away while it cooked down into the cream.

It didn't work out very well...

>>5984044
Today I was cooking one of my dad's steaks cause he went to the store and asked me to do it.

I don't know what the fuck he put on that steak, but it caught fire while on the grill and wouldn't go out.

The first side cooked well, but then I flipped it thinking that whatever was causing the fire was stuck to the steak and not to the grill. That wasn't so, it was stuck to the grill. So anyway, the first side cooked fine cause the fire didn't start until like 2 minutes into cooking. The second side was charred to a crisp cause it was on fire like the entire time it was cooking.

I don't know why I didn't do anything about it. Probably cause I was stoned and was too lazy to pick it up off the grill, let it cool, wipe it down and start all over again.

Anyway, that steak was fucked up but like half of it got eaten cause it wasn't bad if you cut off the little piece that was charred.

It was medium rare, btw, even after the charring.

>>5984275
Is that a fucking bat?

>>5984157

>she didn't cry, she just replied "Oh.."

I've been there, bro. I had to tell my 97 year old grandmother her mother had been dead for 35 years. She gave me the same short answer and that look of utter confusing. Alzheimers is horrible.

>>5984275
poor bat!

>>5984112
I did the mistaking amounts with muffins when I was like six; I thought 2/3 c meant 2 to 3 cups so my blueberry muffins came out really milky.

>>5984294
I thought that was banana pudding and vanilla wafers pizza from the thumb.

>>5984044
My friend and I were making curry once; we couldn't find lentils and I was stupid so I thought chickpeas would work. The dish came out watery because chickpeas clearly lack the properties of lentils, but the worst thing was the rice. I don't normally fuck up rice but in my chickpea horror I made something more akin to rice porridge instead of regular rice. My friend is asian and didn't know how to make rice without a rice cooker but was also really pretentious about his rice, so he ended up not eating any of the food and I cried.

>>5984298
no, it's a dead bat

>>5984294
i delight in making food like this during downward spirals

>>5984365
WHY

>>5984372
Lol /fit/

>>5984395
Wouldn't it be recta?

>>5984395

Why?

>>5984044
I'm sick
I made a simple chicken soup.
I wanted a little color
Turmeric!
lid comes off
2/3 of a cup falls into soup
whole house smells like an Indian blew up.
soup is disgusting.
epic fail.

>>5984157

A perfect way to start morning

>>5984372
nothing wrong there. If you don't have a baby palate and aren't a smoker there's plenty of flavour in that plate.

>>5984783
Dude ..... that looks really good!

>>5984157
sorry anon that's a really sad stor-
>grandma began laughing hysterically and didn't tell us the ingredient list until we coaxed it out of her hours later
i need to go take a shower

>>5984812
said no one ever

>>5984798
>mfw there's no reason to not add salt and pepper to the chicken and cinnamon to the sweet potato

>>5984044
>you mistook sugar for salt
I did that recently because they were in identical jars
now the salt jar has a huge SALT written on the lid so my retard self wont do this again

>>5984134
is it green?

Who wants a slice?

>>5984842
I'll take two. Gluten is unhealthy so I'm avoiding that and I need more animal protons.

>sweatband on her wrist
the poor, poor thing

>get home late from bar
>hungryasfuck.jpg
>find kraft mac and cheeeese in pantry
>turn on stove
>boil water
>add noos
>drain
>add cheese, milk, butta
>all done, stove off
>room mate walks in just as I fill bowl with shitty mac
>he drunk too
>start eating
>leaning against stove chatting with room mate while eating
>ass hits gas burner dial
>full up, pass out for a few hours
>wake up, still dark out
>turn on light in bedroom
>house explodes
>mfw

>>5984157
thats a sad story but also I couldnt help but laugh. this is the human condition folks

>>5984783
your confounding lack of appreciation for that sausage is OVER THE LINE
>sincerely, a triggered german

>>5984287
projectile vomit.jpg

Once I was making some veggies stroganoff and wanted to add some sort of coffee hint in the sauce. I hadn't have any on my pantry so I tried some Bailey's.

The sauce got super sweet and not tasty at all. Had to put a shit ton of lemon and other stuff just to take away the sweet. Was acceptable after.

>>5984044
Never had much bad luck cooking for some reason, only one time that was significant-ish.

>be me, 9
>been only making sauces and precooked sausage since not too confident
>decide to try baking
>gonna make some orange and currant scones
>mistake 2 tablespoons for 2 teaspoons of baking powder
>mfw they tasted horrendous

>>5984157

Fuck, man... who put these onions here?

>>5984913

Mein neger!

>>5984945

>veggies
>stroganoff

...faggot

Once when I was making muffins, I had a brainfart and misread the recipe as saying a litre of milk, rather than a decilitre. Ended up making waffles instead.

>>5984978
Yes.

>>5984044
>be me
>cooking at this cozy little place
>love my job
>stupid mother fucker keeps sending back his fries
>alright
>trythisshityoufaggot.exe
>cut it super fuckin thin
>he loves it
>whole town starts loving it
>tfw I fucked up on purpose and invented potato chips

>>5984044
one time me and my gf wanted some jello, so we started boiling the water and it was taking really long so we went upstairs and forgot about it and watched tv all of a sudden i remembered and ran downstairs and there was n water left in the pot and the fire detector started going off.

>>5984157
What would you tell her all her friends are dead? The fuck man at least be all oh man something came up but they said to give you their best or some shit, leave her with her blissful not knowing

>>5984997
10/10 would patent

>>5984287
It looks a thousand like haunted faces..

>>5984349
Fuck you

>>5984044
Happened a few weeks ago

I was buying groceries and decided to have fish for dinner. I bought some pike because it was cheap as fuck. I thought the fillet i picked looked whiter than the other ones, but i didn't think much of it. When i got home, i opened the package and my kitchen was instantly filled with death. I should've just thrown the fucker out but it decided to cook it anyway and see if it would come out edible, but it didn't. The texture was all rubbery and it tasted like sweaty socks. I ended up eating brussel sprouts and wishing i had checked the quality of the fish at the store.

Learn new 'erry day

>>5984365
>"Blue cheese"

>>5984986
Did it actually say decilitre or 100ml?
I've never seen decilitre used in cooking or outside of chemistry for that matter

>>5984044

1)
>Making slow cooked lamb shanks
>Going to serve them with a red wine reduction
>Lamb has been roasting in some wine for a few hours
>Just before it's ready, I take all the juices out of the roasting dish to make the reduction
>Have to strain out all the crap before reducing
>Pour juices through a sieve and into the sink
>Left with a sieve full of crap
>Just stood there slowly realizing what I've done


2)

>Been dating Bulgarian girl for few months
>Have cooked a number of Bulgarian dishes for her
>Feeling adventurous so decide to cook Shkembe Chorba for her (Tripe soup)
>Never had tripe in my life before, it's not at all popular here
>Have to commute into the capital to find a butcher that even has it
>Have to poach the stuff in milk for a couple hours
>Entire house smells like shit for days after
>Follow recipe word for word (Though it looks like it was translated by google)
>Pour it into a flask (Thermos for you amerifats) and head to her house
>By the time I get there, the soup has coagulated into a jellyish glue.
>Cannot get it out of the flask no matter how much I shake and smack it
>Squishing and sucking sounds coming from the flask are making my stomach churn
>End up throwing the entire flask out and ordering food
>Won't be trying that again

>>5985026
People with dementia get belligerent if you play along with their delusions. So for example, had anon lied to her and told her that her friends didn't show up for reasons, she may become paranoid that the family is isolating her from seeing her friends, or that maybe her friends are angry at her for an unknown reason. Not only that, but she would be insistent to carry on the "celebration" if she thought that there was a possibility that friends might still show up.

It's better to tell the truth and remain a credible figure in their lives than get caught in a lie.

>>5985247
This
My granny has alzheimer's and if she catches on that you're lying to her or treating her like a child, she goes fucking mad at you.

>>5984242
what is google

winter had just started and i wanted to make something huge and warming, decided to stew some chicken with chorizo and white beans

broke down a chicken, seared it off well, sweated off some other shit, threw the chicken in, threw the beans in, threw a burnt lemon in

but for some reason i just let it cook in the oven for like an entire day, and when i went to eat it the chicken had just fallen apart into dried out splinters of protein and it tasted of burnt beans and lemon peel. i don't know why the fuck i did that. plus it gave me the worst farts i've ever known.

2 days ago I overcooked strudel and the dough became really hard.

>>5984157
your grangran sounds like a baller

I was once boiling some stewing steak off when I felt an unbelievable urge to fap so I topped the water up and away I went to fap. Just as I jizzed and descended down from solar orbit I noticed a horrifying smell coming from somewhere
>shit is the house on fire
>run downstairs with dick still dripping
>can not see through the kitchen door there is so much smoke
>can not breathe
>fight my way to the source of what looks like two meteors sitting In the bottom of the pan.
>turn it off
>open all windows
>house smelled horrific for almost a week.

Mfw I haven't had a steak pie since, the thought it sends my senses into overdrive and the memory of that horrific smell makes me gag

>>5985334
Jesus what kind of retarded dipshit are you?

>>5984372
Chicken Breast with skin an a dick shaped sweet potato?

>>5985250
My grandmother was convinced children were living in her basement, stealing her cans of coke and tying her shoelaces together to trip her. She also said she wanted a divorce from my grandfather (who died 11 years prior). He died in that house so maybe it was just him fucking with her. His bedroom is still the way he left it. Her cat used to go in there, stand on the dresser and just meow all day.

>>5984294
The hotdogs were bad enough but anyone that reheats pizza with a Kraft slice deserves permanent hypogeusia.

>>5985247
Thank you.

I had tons of dumbasses trying to convince me that it's the right thing to do to lie about that shit with some feel good article about how beneficial it can be.

Honestly, it feels bad but it's better than giving false hope.

>>5984486
probably sausage casings

>>5984112
>pea salad (peas, mayo/vinegar, celery, onion, cheese cubes, etc.)

Physically gagged.

>>5984157
>>grandma had made "Birthday dough" out of windex, candle wax, bubble gum, and flour

That's terrifying.

>>5984372

My dad made stuff like this. It was alright if you don't mind dry, flavorless chicken. Sweet potatoes are the best.

>>5984395

The real crime is the price for that offal. I'd eat it, but not for three bucks.

>>5984798
>>5984825
>mfw eating a plate

>>5984044
> be 11
> get home from school to a message from mom on the answering machine
> "hey, honey, i'm going to be home late from work. would you mind making the pizza for dinner? There are directions on the counter for cooking it on the stove."
> go to kitchen and get stuff for pizza/ put together
> check counter and see print-out of directions for pizza
> can't find stove directions
> look for stove directions for almost twenty minutes before saying "fuck it" and deciding to wing it
> get largest pan and put on stove on low
> put pizza in pan and cover with lid to try and cook both sides evenly
> check every few minutes and realize after half an hour that the bottom is cooking and the top isn't
> a-am i supposed to flip it???
> flip it
> a few minutes later and the stove is a fucking mess
> dad gets home and sees, starts yelling
> mom gets home, hears dad yelling and me trying to explain myself, near tears
> mom sees mess, starts asking me why I always have to be such a smart as and look at all the food i wasted
> "b-but you said to look for the st-stove directions!"
> "you know full well what i meant!"
> mfw that is the exact moment i realized she misspoke in her directions and meant oven
> mfw i realize my parents underestimated how stupid i am
> mfw my parents will tease me about this incident for the next 15 years
> mfw i have no face

>>5985544
>> mfw i realize my parents underestimated how stupid i am

This is adorable. What a retarded little shit you were, would son-o.

>>5985544

>be a child
>used to getting given hot strawberry cordial when i'm sick
>mum goes to hospital, i have to look after myself for a bit
>get sick
>make hot strawberry cordial to drink while eating my chicken nuggets and baked beans all day erry day
>mum comes back
>every day she remarks on her tea having a weird flavour
>i just assume the kettle's rotted or something
>finally she asks me if i could think of a reason for why the hot water from the kettle tastes of strawberry
>well DUH i made strawberry cordial when i was sick
>humiliation

> Grew up with a family that rarely cooked.
> Grandma used to make box cakes.
> Would say "Add a little extra oil to make it more moist".
>In high school I decided to try making brownies.
>Followed the directions as the box described.
>Suddenly have flash of genius.
>will make moist brownies
>add more oil
>not ridiculous amounts
>proceed to bake
>finally take out of oven
>iiiit liiiiiiiiiivessssss
>whathaveIdone.jpg
>peer into the pan
>see my creation floating in it's own lifeblood
>tiny brown shriveled lump
>too pathetic to call brownies
>pan is full of oil
>put abomination out of its misery
> never speak of it again

The first and last time I ever made brownies.

>>5984044

>Moving back to my hometown for new job.
>Find nice apartment but not available for a month.
>Parents let me live in partly renovated part of a 4 apartment house they own, 2 rooms but share kitchen with them.

>Electric range with 2 out of the 4 hotplates working. One is a low watt "economy" hotplate.
>Owen works, sort of. Takes 40 minutes to heat up. If instructions calls for 10 minutes at 200 Celsius best to just set it at max and hope the food is cooked after 30 minutes.
>3 Fridge/freezer combo cabinets, i get one for my stuff. Fridge maintains a fresh 10 degrees celsius.
>Cats litterbox 3 feet from the stove, cat has severe gastrointestinal issues.
>All kitchen top surfaces and the sink is full of unwashed dishes, impossible to wash dishes since too much crap in the sink.
>Sink drain is too clogged to drain water anyway.
>Coffee tastes awful, take a look at the coffeemaker. There is algae growing in the watertank.

>mfw

>Go into town and buy coffeemaker, hotplate, microwave, box freezer and a month supply of ramen nudles and microwave dinners.
>Never set foot in the kitchen again.

I honestly don´t know how they survive that shit.

>>5985635

Jesus christ how horrifying. Algae? Catbox in kitchen. Lord save us.

>>5985262
In your own words.

>>5984683
Lol I accidentally put a couple tablespoons of turmeric into a single pot of rice... seriously it was caking around the edges of the pot.

Housemates loved it.

>you forgot the birthday girl was horribly allergic to nuts

That's a story I like to hear.

>>5985015
You need one of these. Plugged into the wall, it boils water in less time and turns off automatically when it's done.

>>5985242
Ooh, the classic sieve mistake. Did that once with drippings/gravy.

Couple of months ago I had this brilliant idea to stuff some banana into a chicken breast and wrap the whole thing in filo pastry. Not good.

>>5985366
They say one in three Americans believes in ghosts.

Guess you're part of the lucky 33%!

>>5985605
If you want your brownies to be moist, follow the instructions on the box but use an equal amount of melted better instead of oil. Also don't over bake them - this kills the brownie.

>>5986130
Damn it man, this isn't the 60s.

>>5986144
Goddamn, I remember someone posting that shit. Aspic in everything, Sprite as a flavor enhancer.

The things people did to stretch a dollar.

>>5985605
Cooking time varies on pan.

I use two packages in a 13x9 pan, grease the pan and cook for 22-24 minutes. Once I see the bubble forming, I turn off the over, leave them in for about 5-7 more minutes for the residual heat to pick up some slack, take the shit out and let cool for 40 minutes. They're suppose to liquid-y for a bit when you take 'em out but cooling helps define the shape.

>>5985334
This reminds me of when I mistook the stove directions on a thai flat bread for microwave instructions
>Microwaved for 13 minutes, still in plastic
>the heaviest, blackest smog fills the kitchen
>immediate trhought is to run in and turn off the microwave, but I breath in the smog

I was coffing blood for the next few days, and needed a new microwave.

>>5986156

>>5984044
> made chili for Christmas party at work
> everyone loved it
> vegetarian bitch flips her shit after finding out there was real meat in it after eating it
> I refuse to cook a Goddamn thing for work now because I thought that vegetarian ginger was going to murder me

>>5986239
There's meatless chili?

captcha: pedantic gtheofs

>>5986249
I've made it before. I used lentil, some beans, and sweet potato. Was quite good.

>>5986249
I probably shoulda told her, but she's an adult. I think she survived without any life threatening complications. Also, I think she enjoyed it. She ate two fucking bowls of it before going on her ground chicken tirade

>>5984395
>not loving tripas

>>5984157
Yeah, I'm gonna off myself around 60 if we don't find a way around that shit by the time I get to that age. Goddamn, it's like being taken apart from the inside.

>>5985334
>I've got some chicken on right now
>Just been fapping for god knows how long to Stoya vids
Guys my house might be burning down.

>>5985581

You're swedish aren't you?

>>5984044
>you mistook sugar for salt
Did this once.
Not while cooking, but I was in Amsterdam and I thought that the sugar thing was just some fancy schmancy Yuro salt shaker so I poured that shit all over my chips.

Worst part is they actually tasted breddy good.

>>5984044
>making a casserole a while ago
>preheat oven before i start prepping my ingredients
>im almost ready to throw everything into the oven to bake
>the casserole dish was glass
>open the oven and a puff of smoke comes out
>wtf
>turns out it was some cleaning stuff you put inside put on by one of my family members, and they forgot to wash it out
>continue making the casserole
>decide i'll put it on the burner for a few minutes, but not too long so nothing happens
>get side attracted, by the time i come back it seems done (juices bubbling, cheese melted)
>right when i reach to move it off it makes a sound
>it fucking cracks and starts sizzling, its exploding all over my stove
>had to clean it up and throw it all away
>sad because it looked really fucking delicous

My idiot step-son almost set my kitchen on fire trying to make fried chicken once. Started a grease fire and threw a pan of water on it. I'm lucky to be alive.

>>5986323
>get side attracted

>>5986254
> puts meat in chili
> ground fucking chicken


the fuck are you doing?

Once, when I was 16 years old, I bought a large container of instant coffee. (I didn't know any better.) My older sister decided to use the instant coffee like regular coffee grounds one day, which resulted in a thick, syrupy coffee goo. Then she refused to clean her mess and mold grew in the goo.

>>5986336
Not one person in the house decided "man, someone really needs to clean the coffee maker?" Was she the sole user of this specific coffee maker?

When I was a kid, maybe around 9 or 10 I made pancakes with baking soda instead of baking powder. Tasted fucking awful so I just fed it to a dog that happily ate it all up.

When I was a kid, I decided to make my parents breakfast in bed one day (Just buttered toast and tea).
I opened the teabags and poured the contents into the cups, then added hot water and milk

Jesus Christ, my ex. I've been in the restaurant business for 15 years, half of that as a cook. Her, though... To quote David Thorne, "She is capable of the process of cooking, but she cannot cook in the same way that an octopus cannot ride a bike; it has enough arms to reach the pedals and handlebars but the result will rarely be a successful journey from A to B."

Examples:

>she wants to make meatloaf
>recipe calls for breadcrumbs
>she does not own breadcrumbs
>decides to use panko
>sloppy soupy mess

>finds recipe online for a slow-cooker stroganoff
>requires a biscuit topping
>uses a box of Bisquick she opened six months ago
>sad soupy mess

>finds a recipe online for some sort of fish stew
>uses all sorts of horrible smelly fish
>apartment smells like rancid vagina for a week

And then she'd get mad at me for not helping her clean up, after I refused to eat her culinary abortions. If not for the fact that I worked at restaurants, I'm pretty sure I would have starved during our relationship.

>>5986372
How did... how did she fuck up substituting breadcrumbs for panko? It's basically the same fucking thing..............

I don't even

>>5986392
Not so! Breadcrumbs will absorb a lot more moisture due to their structure. In a lot of recipes it doesn't matter which one you use, but not that one.

>>5986395
The legend.

I was boiling some sugar water for barley tea just a while ago and forgot about it. The water evaporated and the sugar attempted caramelization but burnt to a crisp. I didn't realize this until I started smelling delicious burnt caramel which I thought was coming from outside or another apartment and then I remembered. My entire kitchen, living room and the nearby bathroom were full of smoke and I was lucky the detectors didn't come off. Now my lovely pan is ruined and there's a bitter smell in the house that won't go away.

>>5986372
I've made panko meatloaf tons of times and it turns out really well. I don't think that it was the panko, it just sounds like she's bad.

This happened a few days ago.

>Roommate wants to make shitty F+T pollock palatable
>Finds a recipe in ancient Betty Crocker book for "pecan-crusted fish"
>He is allergic to pecans
>I'll just use more breadcrumbs and egg for the coating
>Meticulously measures oil into saucepan
>Breading soaks up all the oil
>Constantly moving it around with a spatula
>Is it done yet? It's not flaking.
By the time I told him to add more oil the outside was burnt and the inside was still raw, but it made a noise like a viper pit when he did so.
>His girlfriend tries some when it's "done"
>It tastes... eggy
>mfw

Not sure if this counts, but...

>be me
>be waiter
>woman orders "the most expensive Scotch you have, on the rocks, with Coke"
>mfw I had to watch this woman drink 18-year Highland Park with Coke

>>5984298
Chicken of the Cave (tm)

>>5986449
Meh, who cares. It's her money, if she wants to be a retarded hick when spending it, it's her business.

Had it been YOUR highland park bottle it would've been a different story.

>making a glazed pork roast, like I usually do whenever presented with a roast
>sauce seems to be too runny to glaze properly
>too lazy to thicken it with a roux
>no understanding of how corn starch works but decide to try it since I at least know its a thickener
>immersion blend a fuck-ton of corn starch with sauce
>barely visible difference, oh well
>proceed to pour over roast and cook
>pull out roast later to find a fucking sauce biscuit on top of roast

It still tasted good, at least. When you cracked open the biscuit there was like a moist sauce deposit, almost like a gooey brownie.

>>5986480

>>5984112
i bet the flavor of that salad still had a nice, hearty peaness

>>5986395

>>5986482
>My shitty rum cost 180$. Have fun paying half my rent next month.

>>5984157
fake and gay.

>>5986475
With extra Ebola seasoning

Here's a story from a fellow cook:

>restaurant has shitty pastry girl with the power of disappointment in her fingertips.
>Restaurant also has a dish that calls for Demi glacé made from about $200 of veal bones reduced to a black satin sauce
> pastry girl (with the power of disappointment in her fingertips) makes caramalized sugar
>pastry girl lets it go way past that in to a black smoking mess
>she puts water in the pot and outs if back on to the stove to let it cook clean a bit
>comes back to pour it out and pours out Demi glacé instead.

>>5986519
Dear god. Why was she doing someone else's job if she's the pastry girl?

>>5986189

>coffing

>>5986520
Seems like she was trying to make caramel at the stove and confused her pan with someone else's. It's probably one big kitchen with a shared station.

>>5986402

bollocks.

>she does not own breadcrumbs
>decides to use panko
>sloppy soupy mess

she's just a retard, it's nothing to do with the panko.

>>5986522
Who knows what the long term effects of inhaling those fumes might be...

>>5986449

poorfags bitching about how people enjoy their whisky are infuriating.

>>5984683
Use soy sauce for color. You just need a 1/2tsp and it gets a perfect fake golden color.

Old coworker stories:
>guy at work who pretends to know how to cook is given the task to make a special with some seasoned ground meat (pork I think), just to give him a chance.
>decides to make stuffed cabbage rolls
>over blanches cabbage to wet toilet paper status
>adds shredded Apple to batch of pork to make it go bad within a day

>girl who acts like she knows how to cook but avoids it at all costs
>orders fresh sheep cheese, expensive, very perishable
>right before her weekend so we have to make a special before it goes bad
>throw together nice special, but half the cheese still goes bad before a week
>rub girls nose in the spoiled cheese three months later when we pulled it out of the fridge
>mfw she says the special was hers

>>5986543
>rub girls nose in the spoiled cheese
The fuck?

>>5986497

Might be fake, but to be honest, dementia patients can be like that.

My Grandmother passed away about a year ago, and her sister and sister's husband were on a slow decline into dementia. My mother house-sits for them, and she's seen them do and say weird shit.

The husband died recently, but my mom said he would disappear sometimes and reappear wearing a neckbrace, sunglasses, and a hat.

My Grandmother's sister and the sister's husband would argue about rooms in the basement that didn't exist.

One time, the sister told my mom she was making coffee, and when my mom checked the coffee maker, it turned out she had dumped leftover Chinese food into the coffee maker.

>>5986615
We need to invest in anti-aging technology

>>5986626
No, I think aging and mortality are important parts of being human. Forms of mental degradation like dementia and Alzheimer's are shit, though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wK7GSARUs_Q

>>5986481

This sounds fucking delicious. You must perfect this new culinary experience.

>>5986126
lol i actually have one of those now. the light on the bottom is and it feels lie im boiling water in space. Compared to the rest of my kitchen that things futuristic as shit.

>>5986679
This, thank you.

>>5986704
LAVA BISCUITS, inspired by LAVA CAKES!

>>5986705
light on the bottom is blue*

I was maybe 15 or so, and discovered this prepackaged Thai flavoured tuna steak in a airtight package. Cant think of the brand anymore.

> Open package, Put in Skillet
> Read directions, seems easy enough
> No sign of expiry date.. Hmm..
> very little sense of smell so ask mom
> Says it smells spicy and tart
> Assume its the Thai flavour
> Walk away
> Return to mom putting left over boiled potatoes into the pan with the steak
> Wtf! "Oh I thought they'd go nice with it."
> O-Okay.. well.. can't be that bad..
> She proceeds to add a can of water chestnuts
> Oh gods why.

Ended up being a sour, overly spiced mess of disgusting spoiled fish. Still the only thing to date that I haven't been able to make myself finish. I tried to take a few bites but instant gag reflex, hurting my tongue and instant stomach churn. Didnt eat fish for a good long while after that.

>making pizza from scratch
>start with the dough
>let it proof for a while
>come back to punch it down
>wife comes in bitching about some stupid shit
>punching the dough, getting frustrated
>"are you even listening, anon?!"
>shoves me
>punch her in the face
>she calls the fucking cops on me
>spend the night in jail
>find all my shit thrown out on the lawn the next day
>it's my house
>front door is locked
>kick it down
>catch some guy trying to sneak out without his pants on
>beat the shit out of him
>cops arrive again
>stab guy with knife on counter
>stab wife with knife on counter
>stab cop with knife on counter
>get in police cruiser
>drive it off a cliff

fucking gamestop.


YOU DIDNT TYPE THE CAPTCHA CORRECTLY. YOU DIDNT TYPE THE CAPTCHA CORRECTLY. YOU DIDNT TYPE THE CAPTCHA CORRECTLY. YOU DIDNT TYPE THE CAPTCHA CORRECTLY.

>>5986126
Can I ask a serious question for a minute?

Are these really a rare thing to own in America or something?

Over here you'd never find a house without one.

>>5986772
Nobody in my family has one, but I have one. I don't see them often. They're fantastic.

>>5986772
Tea aint as big here mr bongistani

>>5986772
Apparently. My parents have one so I assumed it was the norm for a while, but I've only seen one other household with an electric kettle or "hot pot" as we call it. Dunno why.

>>5986788
Irish actually, but yeah we use it for tea too.
But it's handy as fuck. You need to make pasta. rice, boiled eggs, stock, whatever; just fill it up and it's boiling in 2 minutes, pour it into a pot and you've a boiling pot of water in no time.
Also what do you do if you need to say fill a hot water bottle?

>>5986799
Never needed to fill a hot water bottle before. My mom is the only american i know who has one but shes a teafag too

>>5986772
For whatever reason they're really just not popular here. I hadn't even seen one until a few years ago and it convinced me to buy one for myself since they're so handy to have around.

It's ridiculous, really.

From ages 5 through 5 1/2 I was the families foremost expert at making my famous peppermint milkshake.
A glass of water and a few good squeezes of spearmint toothpaste.
Yummy.
(yes I know it wasn't milk or even peppermint toothpaste lol)

>>5984157
My 91 year old grandma with dementia died recently, it's hard to see them become like that, you have my sympathy.

Mine did weird shit like heating frozen dinners in the sun and eating them, my aunt also found a soup pot thrown into the yard which may have been her last attempt at hamburger soup, apparently it was covered with ants.

I only have a vague memory of this, but here's what my mom says happened:

>me, my sister, my dad at home
>mom at work
>dad CANNOT COOK
>Daddy, let's make a cake!
>Sure, how hard could it be?
>cake apparently was just flour, water, cocoa powder
>baked until black
>mom arrives home
>Mommy, look what we made!
>she actually tastes it and tells us it's yummy
>she ended up having to throw out the pan

I don't know why the fuck our dad let us do that.

>>5986990
Learning experience

>>5984287
WHAT IN SATAN'S ASSHOLE IS THIS MONSTROSITY

>>5986189
Haha, something similar happened when my family first got a microwave. My mom decided the first thing we'd cook in there was a frozen chicken patty. But this was before most people had microwaves, so the only directions on the box were for the regular oven. She microwaved it for nine minutes. It came out looking like a sad shriveled hockey puck.

>>5987047
it's a burger, duh, didn't you see the filename

>>5987078
Well, yeah; I guess a more accurate question would have been how in all holy fuck did someone manage to make a burger look like that?

>>5987084
They ground up too many spare parts. I see those tubes a lot when I butcher and they're weird and rubbery. I'd imagine they get through some grinders.

>>5984044
Mayo and cold steak sandwich. Literally a chunk of overcooked steak, plain, untoasted bread slathered with mayo.
Yep.

>>5987102
Ah, that would make sense. Still freaky-looking, though.

>>5986347
Yeah, she was the sole user of it. No one in the house drank coffee except the two of us, and I was drinking instant at the time

>>5986935
I watched my granny try to put both rows of her false teeth in the top for about fifteen minutes

>>5987102

Pretty confident that doesn't use actual animals, it looks like the hamburgers they sell in school which werent meat

One time I was going to make some cannibutter to make some cookies so I had all the shit (bud & butter) simmering on the stove. While it was cooking I smoked a bowl and fell asleep and woke up to some disgusting shit burned to the bottom of my pan, and my entire hallway in my appartment smelled terrible

>>5986799
>what do you do if you need to say fill a hot water bottle?

what the actual fuck is "hot water bottle"? and why would I need one if I lived in a highly civilized, first-world (and first class) nation?

>>5987195
It's a rubber bottle that you fill with hot water to keep you warm or ease pain.

>why would I need one if I lived in a highly civilized, first-world (and first class) nation?
Some people have girlfriends and said girlfriends get period pains.
Also why the fuck should I put on the heating and heat a fuckton of water when I can just bring one of these to bed?

>>5987195
>and why would I need one if I lived in a highly civilized, first-world (and first class) nation?

This pleb.

>>5987212
>Some people have girlfriends and said girlfriends get period pains.

what kind of Ebola-infested shit hole nation doesn't have heating pads? They were invented specifically for easing menstrual pains.

Meanwhile, your silly rubber bladder seems like a soaked mattress/couch waiting to happen. disgusting.

>>5984157
>windex, candle wax, bubble gum, and flour

that's hilarious as fuck

>1 year ago
>I still remember the horror

Scored myself a sweet cut of pork belly about 12"x12" from the local butcher. Beautiful piece of meat, nice mix of lean and fat well distributed.

Proceed to score, scald and brine, alltogether about a 2 day process to get it prepped (wanted deep flavor and crispy skin).

Slow roasted in oven on a rack to render a bit, and get the meat up to temp.

>Last step is to brush on peanut oil and hi-broil at 5 minute intervals to "fry" skin in oven.
>Lock oven
>Lock jammed
>Door stuck closed
>pls
>Immediately turned off heat
>Damned well-insulated modern technology

>30 minutes later it's all burnt to a crisp by the time I can unbolt the whole front panel of the oven door

>pls

>>5985366
The end of one's life is full of meaningless suffering.

>>5986772
My folks have one but we're decently well-to-do so that may affect it.

>>5984395
Oh God, why.

>busy summer saturday getting slammed by massholes
>running out of creme brulees at 10 o'clock
>would normally 86, but chef wants to keep the train rolling all night long
>put batch into oven with water bath and cover
>proceed to get fucked with dessert orders and pan pick ups
>end of night shut off ovens wrap everything up drink beers on the dock and go the fuck home
>Next morning get call from chef
>"Anon, what did you forget last night?"
>entire batch of cremers cooked to death. blackened burnt cream and several cracked dishes
>spent that night in the dish pit salvaging the rest of the plates.

>cook mapo tofu with flatmate
>no meat available
>fuck this, cooking anyways
>pour instant sauce
>the amount seems to be not enough according to Chinese cartoons..
>dump entire bottle
>dump in tofu
>bean paste taste is now too strong
>add water, too runny
>add cornstarch
>give up, eat with disgust
>mfw flatmate just outright pours half of it into his food container, adds A TON MORE water (without cooking it), together with some stir fry mushroom

>>5985334
>takes so long to jack off that an entire pot of water boils away

Nigger what the fuck are you doing

>>5986372
>wants to make meatloaf
>needs a recipe

What the fuck.

>>5984044
i'll tell 2 stories.

>come home from a bar, roughly 5am.
>be hungry as fuck, decide to put a frozen pizza into the oven
>"dear lord, it takes at least 10 minutes for it to bake, gonna go chill on the couch while i wait"
>fall asleep
>wake up at some point, the pizza still in the oven. a completely black "coin" of coal, the ovenwindow is black as the night as well.

2nd.

>make special dinner for gf's birthday
>make redwine sauce from scratch for the steak
>"ok, so i need to sift all these things"
>pour the sauce down the drain, collect the stuff that i didn't need

>>5985227
In some countries like Sweden I think they use the decilitre for cooking. Saw a recipe on here from a swedefag that used it, at least.

>>5987102
Those "tubes" are bubbles of grease that solidified.

>>5984287
>>5984287
nope.jpg

All so what the holy hell is that!?!?!

forgot to put water in microwaveable ramen noodles

yep I'm smart

>>5987395
How late do you stay open? Assuming it's not past 2, what retard chef thinks you can make and cool creme brûlée in time?.

>>5984783
This

>>5986449
I had 10-year highland park with coke, wasn't too bad

God I wish I still had the picture of my old roommate, but here's my story:

> work night hours 5 pm to 5 am
> get off work, get to condo I share with three other roommates
> Trevor is passes the fuck out in the kitchen. Between the stove and the dishwasher (dishwasher door is open and he's leaning into it)
> stove top has a couple of eyes burning red hot, giant pot of water boiling away, almost all evaporated away
> burnt ass toast in the toaster
> a giant fucking slab of raw salmon just chilling on the counter next to a sink full of dirty dishes
> I turn the oven off before the condo gets burned down, take a picture of roommate, laugh, and go to bed.

I think he made sushi with that salmon and got himself and another roommate stupid sick, I had a couple pieces and felt fine.

>>5984287
this looks like organ tissue (kidney or lung maybe ?)

>ominous ... after nuts
Pedo detected

>>5984294
/r/shittyfoodporn pls go

>>5985499
Mah nigga

>>5985447
Never thought of it like that. I thought only intestines were used as casing...

>>5984946
Haha, my friend did this, his dad told the story:
>Anon made muffins
>his dad: Wow, they are so fluffy and big, hod did he manage to do this?
>taste them
>he switched the amounts of flour and baking soda with each other
>inedible

Oh, you want food gore?

Here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dU4PJeeC1Q0

>>5986302
>eating my swedish sour milk in swedish school with swedish friends
>oh fuck
>I forgot the sugar
>Go get sugar
>come back to table
>"hey anon i put sugar on for you!"
>I look at my plate and see the dots you see when sugar has been sprinkled
>gee, thanks!
>put a spoon in mouth
>it was salt

>>5984294
I'm living in Italy right now and you can honest to god get pizza with sliced up hot dogs on it. It's not bad.

>>5986156
I collect these pics, and fuck... This has to be one of the worst. I'm picturing a bunch of stoners putting random ingredients in to index cards, shuffling them and then combining them into a dish, ala test kitchen only with beards and Quaaludes.

I think it's test kitchen... They give 3 chefs apicnic basket with gummi bears, a Loisianne license plate, two sweat stocks and a wooden puppet and tell them to come up with the best dish..

.

>>5987212
Those were commonly used as a kit in the 50s and 60s asked included a douchebag nozzle for enemas and douches.

>>5986475

>girlfriend comes over, wants to cook for me
>I'm going to make you Spatzle
>moderatelyconcerned.jpg
>mixes up ingredients, following a recipe
>Boils water, starts dropping pieces in, pulls them out to fry
>entire time, no seasoning or extra anything for flavor
>absolutely nothing
>serves it to my mom (professional chef)
>I can tell my mom is holding back a laugh/gag
>looks like dog barf, tastes like mildly wet flour
She made it and ate it, completely unfazed like it was delicious, but I can't imagine how she tasted anything but soggy oatmeal.

>>5989599
You're thinking of Chopped.

>>5988817
This looks tasty as shit you clod

>>5989599
It still lives....http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/cheesy-ham-and-banana-casserole-recipe.html

>>5989599
I'm really liking what you did with the wooden puppet and the sweat socks, but I'm barely tasting the license plate. I really want to be able to have that flavor in there; I feel like it would have just made this dish.

I've got a pair one from me and one from my sister

>Sister is young and we're camping
>Wake up and start doing breakfast things
>She wants hot chocolate made with milk
>Pours milk into plastic travel mug
>Asks my mom for help
>Busy mom says to put it in a pot on the stove
>Puts the whole travel mug in the pot with the milk inside
>RIP pot

Then mine
>Be me
>Want to nuke some canned soup
>Nothing around to cover it with
>Girlfriend's pot lid is sitting around
>Quick visual inspection, just glass and plastic
>Score!
>Put it in microwave as cover
>It was a lie.
>Tiny screw affixes plastic to the glass
>Melt the handle of the nice pot lid

>>5987489
This was me last week. I tried to make it from scratch. It ended up being tofu in a bowl of oil. not good.

>>5989795
>>5987489
Did you not watch cooking with dog on how to do it?

>>5986772
we just have regular stove kettles..........

>>5986772
I just use a kettle.

>>5984074

Well.. if nothing bad happened then I guess it's okay.

>>5987212
>to keep you warm

we have heating

>>5985581
>mom goes to hospital
>get sick within matter of hours, or who is looking after you
>assume a kettle has rotted

euros

>>5986417
i love how shitty cooks will be like

>Hm, cant use that ingredient... I know! Ill substitute with something completely different!

>first time cooking for gf and her family at their house
>gf always spouted how good I was
>parents were upstairs while I was cooking, gf was with me in kitchen
>finished prepping and put pan on stove, had oil nearby
>gf comes up behind me and says something about how sexy i look
>we start making out and all that jazz
>next thing i know i smell smoke
>turn around
>ohfuck
>forgot to put oil in pan, their shitty cookware cracked and started to burn
>fuckfuckfuck
>take pan off heat, turn on fan and try wafting smoke
>alarm starts going off
>parents come downstairs
>dad mocks me, mother visibly pissed about the pan
>try to explain myself
>mother ends up cooking and i sit through the most awkward meal of my life

i did up cooking for them but i did it at home and brought it to them. we laugh about it now

>>5985247

Eh... my grandma had some pretty weird ass delusions, but my aunts were adamant that we play along with whatever she was thinking.

I have pretended to be both my father, my uncle, two dead uncles that died as children, the milk deliveryman, and their first domestic help. Either my acting is good or my grandma was way out of it.

She passed last year.

In any event, I guess it depends on the person.

Some dumbass in an apartment building I used to live at burned half the place down because he decided to take a nap while deep frying potato skins. But I guess before he went to sleep he disabled the smoke alarm because it was annoying him.

>>5984157
I was going to feel sad and then
>grandma had made "Birthday dough" out of windex, candle wax, bubble gum, and flour

>>5985227
Even as a chemist I don't use deciliters. Just use milliliters and liters.

The worst thing that ever happened to me is when I was making a breakfast frittata in a stainless steel pan, put it in the oven to finish, pulled it out and then immediately forgot that the pan was over 350 degrees, grabbed the steel handle with my bare hand and burnt the fuck out of my palm. Other than that, no fucked up meals, no horrible cuts, nothing.

>be kid
>be at grandmas
>steal a spoonful of sugar from the counter while grandma is cooking
>its not sugar
>full blooded korean grandma yells WHY THE FUCK YOU EAT THE SALT
>simultaneously spewing salt on grandmas kitchen floor

>>5985227
>>5990229

I'm a chemist too, and I DO use deciliters, but only for cooking and baking. I guess it's a Central European thing.

>Be amazing at making recipes
>Somehow too mentally retarded to actually succeed at the act of cooking, so I purchase ingredients and have my roommate cook for me since hey free food for him
>Roommate is out of town for a week
>It is 2AM. I am hungry. I do not want the sketchy 24 hour pizza.
>Decide to make chicken pot pie
>Get the ingredients together, everything looks good so far
>Cutting chicken: slice into my hand, blood everywhere on the kitchen
>Opening can of sweet peas: slice my other hand on the lid
>Spill hot water the potatoes were boiling in all over myself
>Decide I won't let this stop me
>Finally get the pie together, put it in oven
>10 minutes later, I see flames in the oven
>Start screaming and trying to put fire out
>Smoke detectors going off at this point
>Slip on my own blood and bang my head on the lower cabinet
>Screams of agony
>NEET roommate comes out of room for the first time in ages to see why the smoke detector is still going on
>Puts fire out, calls an ambulance to check on my head, cleans the blood up
>Pay him to not tell our other roommate about this incident
>Never attempt to cook by myself again

Before you ask "Are you retarded?" I'm pretty sure I'm like halfway retarded at the very least.

>Be little me
>Have a bottle of eucalyptus oil
>Lovethatshit.svg
>Oil is solid in the bottle, needs to be warmed to put it onto something
>Put it in the cooling down oven to use the residual heat to melt it
>Forget it
>Mother prepares lasagne
>Sets oven timer, so the lasagne will be ready for lunch
>Everybody leaves the house
>Coming back from school
>Whole house smells like an exploded eucalyptus grove

The heat of the oven melted the plastic cap of the bottle and the whole bottle evaporated... Took several hours until you could enter the kitchen again without getting tears in your eyes. The whole house smelled for days.

Pretty lame one but I was making baked sea bass (first time baking fish) and it was slightly undercooked after the specified time, so I threw it back in for another 10 minutes and it came out hard as rubber

>>5984044
>be me
>dinner
>one of fav foods is toasted ravioli
>mum makes toasted ravioli
>mfw
>eat half of a ravioli (about 2 inch squares)
>mfw coated in powdered sugar instead of flours
>mumsfacewhen
:/

>>5984080
Fuck that. That's awesome!

>>5984287
>when you fuck up a bean burrito so bad...

>>5984044
When I was 12 I tried making bread without a recipe, or rather one I made up in my head. Key ingredients that left out were eggs and salt.

Visually it looked just like a continental loaf, but I shit you not, It was at harder than gypsum

>>5984816
Dimentia>Alzheimer's

>>5984080
That's really upsetting, I'm sorry.

>>5990476
I hastily tried making hushpuppies in the fryer and pretty much ended up with fried hardtack.

Probably the dumbest thing i've ever done was trying to make jelly donuts at 5 in the morning, after all the trouble of making the perfect dough, instead of cutting it evenly and frying small flat disks i literally dropped jelly donut sizes of dough in the oil

>>5990423
>Before you ask "Are you retarded?" I'm pretty sure I'm like halfway retarded at the very least.
I laughed out loud at this. I appreciate your candidness.

>>5987254
>Lock oven
wat

>>5984829
Wait till you swap the lids around

>>5984429
No, greek roots get the -s plural treatment, like octopuses.

>>5984783
>Manchild who can't appreciate good food

>>5984798
go back to /fit/. Not even any pepper or anything on the chicken. It's literally just chicken breast. It looks boiled. Flavorless. Sweet potato isn't as bad but could have definitely been prepared better than that.

>>5984945
>veggie stroganoff
>Coffee hint
>fixed it with shit ton of lemon and "other stuff"
You must be the most autistic cook in the world. Seriously how do you function?

>>5985242
tripe has tons of collagen in it. Keep that shit hot and water it down a fuck ton or you get tripe jelly

>>5986251
I don't know what you made but it wasn't chili

>>5986328
This one sentence gives me a frightening glimpse into your terrible angry life.

>>5990747

>buzzwords dude lmao

>>5990637
A lot of ovens have locks that engage at broiling temps.

>>5984287

>>5986772
In america, as opposed to in England, the power supply is 110V rather than 240V. As such, the kettles are less powerful, and they might as well use the stove. Whereas for us, the kettle is waaaaay quicker than the stove.

>>5984783
A few years ago this would've been me, but recently i've really started to appreciate onions.

>>5984275
Was that on purpose?..

>>5984287
Muh trichtophobia

>>5984365
WOW that actually takes some dedication

>>5986990

When I was a tiny child, something like 4, and my sister only 2, we woke up in the early hours of the morning (as small children are wont to do), and for some reason decided to make a cake. Into a bowl went flour, sugar, milk, and vanilla essence, along with a hefty dose of blue colouring. My mother was woken by the racket we were making, and helped us by adding the missing ingredients and baking the thing appropriately. Imagine the surprise when it turned out perfectly light and flavoursome, though somewhat lurid in colour.

>>5987102
>>5987111
>>5987140

It's a kind of watery meat slurry that cheap frozen burgers will exude. It cooks solid, and then forms into bubbles as evaporating water escapes the patty.

>>5986990
Moms like that are the best. I bet you had a great childhood

>>5987306

You can buy a perfectly serviceable electric kettle for about £5. I would argue that it's the kitchen appliance that least rewards additional investment - boiling water is boiling water, after all.

>>5984842
Looks like butter, not mustard.
>>5984946
Man I did that with my last baking experience and I'm 20

>>5988817

What's the problem here? A hot toddy is one of the most ancient of cocktails.

>>5990892
I agree that a £5 kettle will most certainly do the job, and probably last a while if you don't knock it around.

However, my mum has a fancy eco friendly kettle that can heat from 70-100 at 10 degree increments, I find coffee tastes a little nicer with 90 or 80 degree water than 100 and it's at a drinkable temperature faster. She drinks a shit load of cafetiere coffee though, so it's probably worth it more for her than most people.

>>5990955

Ah, now I can see why that might be a worthwhile investment. Most of the time though all you're paying for is a shinier kettle - you can fork out north of £150 for a kettle whose only function is on/off. At that kind of price your money is better spent on installing a boiling/filtered water tap.

>working at a restaurant
>frying bananas and calamari
>accidentally put a piece of calamari on the plate the banana was supposed to be
>mfw realizing someone was going to eat calamari and ice cream
>mfw too late
oddly enough I never got a complaint

>>5984157

peanut butter is some sorth of oddity here
bought a jar, made peanut butter noodles, pretty good
a lot of peanut butter left, look recipe for cookies, says to add an egg and somesugar and bake 350 deegrees
oven only reaches 250 deegrees
ok, bake them more time, they arent done
bake them more time still not done
start smelling a little bit burned so i give up and take them off
put them in a bag ready to throw them to the garbage
they cool down and have awesome crunchie brownie consistensy, shame instead of letting them cool down i scrapped them hot so now i have a bad of delicious cookie mess instead

>>5990029

a neighbour looked after me when she got the chance, made sure i was eating and shit.

>assume a kettle has rotted

i was a dumb kid

>>5986156
>to stretch a dollar

Oh, this wasn't about saving money. They actually thought these were GOOD IDEAS.

>>5986144
>"contemporary cooking"

>cooking ramen at around 8 years old
>I've somewhat done this before
>put two cups of water on to boil
>"gee watching this boil sure is boring"
>go off and do 8 year old stuff
>wander back into the kitchen about 10 minutes later
>humidity: 110%
>pot of water is 3/4 through the way of boiling
>oh shit
>add more water to it to compensate and it's still hot as fuck
>decide to add noodles
>turn heat down a little
>leave again because i'm a retarded 8 year old shit
>come back another 10 minutes later
>noodles are full boiling and completely soggy
>turn off heat
>"it will be fine once it stops boiling"
>add flavor pack
>taste one noodle
>down the drain it goes

>making microwave ravioli in 6th grade
>school has a microwave in one of the rooms
>I've done this so many times it's become automatic
>without thinking I shove the bowl in there and set the industrial strength microwave to 1:30 on max power
>talking with friend standing in line behind me
>[THOOM] comes from microwave, large impact shudders through me
>peer inside after turning it off
>can't see anything
>open it
>sauce and ravioli coat every surface
>metal lid that I failed to remove stuck to the top of the microwave and searing hot
>a kid runs up, steals a ravioli from the microwave and eats it
>dean comes by
>makes me clean it out
>this happened again in 7th grade but after peering inside to check the status I saw the container was nearly spherical shaped
>oh fuck
>carefully remove it
>place it at the table
>"guys what do I do I forgot to take the lid off"
>lid is too hot to remove normally
>borrow a fork from some kid
>try to pry it open
>this is EOD-tier
>give up
>eventually it cools and assumes its origonal shape
>still delicous

>>5991192
>>a kid runs up, steals a ravioli from the microwave and eats it
I don't know why but that made me lol

>>5987495
Edging.

I was trying to make dried mustard seeds once as a snack. I washed them a bunch, soaked them in whatever it was I was supposed to soak them in, put them in the pressure cooker, and forgot about them for 3 days. By the time I checked them, they were just one crispy black mass.

>5 min ago
>making turkey sandwich with grilled cheese and mustard
>decide to use goat cheese
Why do some cheeses taste so horrible when melted? Is there a way of telling which ones are good and which ones are not? It's not the first time this happens

>>5991566
I've only had goat cheese once and it had such a strong barn yard taste to it I pitched the rest. I'm not sure if it was the brand purchased or what. Is that a normal taste it to? I couldn't get past it. All I imagined was a goat pissing and shitting in a pile of hay and walking all over it.

>>5991566
Does it stink? Then it's not going to taste good melted.

>>5991012

>>5991592
Sounds reasonable, thanks.

>>5991566
>>5991586
>>5991592
>not liking lightly coated and pan fried goat cheese

Plebs everywhere on this board.

>>5986249
Yes; it's called bean soup.

>>5987395
>massholes

Do I detect a fellow 603 /ck/er?

>>5985242
>dating a Bulgarian

That's your first mistake

>>5985242
Nigga, we use the term flask as well.

>>5991895
I'm going to try this butter chicken ramen recipe.

>>5992051
I had a Bulgarian flatmate who just ate boiled potatoes and hamburgers from her work. She and her roommate would boil a whole kilo of taters at a time, then peel and store them in a giant tupperware. She hated fruit and veg too but seemed really healthy.

>mfw find out she and roommate were secret lesbian love affair later

>>5992225

>tfw no crazy Bulgarian potato gf

>>5992236
She was a legit genius, got straight As in everything, won math competitions and shit. Fucking potato lesbian magic.

>>5984044
>late night with friends, about 3
>hungry, decide to make some kraft
>friend starts boiling noodles, I get milk, third one gets butter
>first friend gets distracted, way too tired to notice he's not paying attention
>I put in milk. put in 3 cups instead of 1/3 cup.
>last person puts in butter, whole stick instead of a couple tablespoons.
>stop for first time and look at the whole thing.
>realize noodles guy forgot about it.
>he ends up burning the noodles because he didn't use enough water, non burned noodles all super limp now.
>oh god what have we created
>agree to never cook again, lest we make that god awful macaroni soup again.

>>5992442
How even do you fuck up Kraft mac and cheese that badly?

>>5992225

Those kinds of things don't really catch up to you until later in life

I don't visit /ck/ often, but I can only assume this screencap is reposted in every cooking disaster thread.

>be me
>be an al/ck/oholic
>have a nice place but money is still tight
>only eating simple and cheap ingredient foods suck ass eggs
>one night I'm drunk and have the munchies
>decide to boil a single egg for a nice snack
>egg cracks as I drop it in
>lol whatever it'll just cook over
>lay down on couch just to relax for a minute or two
>wake up four hours later
>my back and neck hurts like hell because couch
>smells a little like fried chicken but don't give it much thought since I'm tired
>lay in bed and get comfy
>FUCK.jpg
>run into kitchen to witness pure horrer
>no more water in sauce pan
>large crack has formed through the side of the
egg with bits of it popping out in every direction
>my calcite crystal back splash has bit of over-cooked egg all between it
>mfw

>>5992515
Oh good, I've always been looking for a hot substitute for ice cream.

Why blue food coloring before adding fudge?

>>5991586
>>5991566
>>5991643

Sometimes when I make tomato sawss for my pasta, I like to put a dollop of goats cheese on the top of the sawws.
It jutlst adds the nice bit of creaminess to the sawss

Just last week...

>In culinary school
>We make 3-4 recipes per day in class
>Today one of the recipes was polenta
>Easy as fuck, just stir cornmeal into water and add butter and whatever else you want
>Make mine with a little powdered milk and wheat germ
>Just salt and pepper to taste, make mine thick
>Curious to see what other groups have done with theirs
>Group of these 2 chicks presents their polenta
>It looks like fucking Captain Crunch
>Lumpy as hell
>They added cornstarch to thicken it up, thinking that that would somehow un-lump it
>Somehow it's slightly grey

Every week it's something like this

>>5992554
Jesus fucking christ how does one fuck up polenta that badly
At culinary school????

>>5992575

These two chicks do things like this every week. They've fucked up good venison and other expensive stuff too.

>>5985247
>>5985250
>>5990070

>In any event, I guess it depends on the person.

If there is one lesson I have learned from being a nurse aide in a long term care facility, it is that there is no such thing as a "typical" case of dementia. Each resident will have varying degrees and periods of orientation that respond in different ways to different stimuli at different stages of whatever disease they might be happening to suffer from.

Some residents will regain their orientation if you talk to them. Some are so far gone there is no point. After I do my fluid rounds and initial incontinence checks, I might stop and talk to the resident who is waiting for the bus to go to her job as a board operator for AT&T. I've done this for about 2 years straight now with this woman, pleasant as can be, same conversation every single day.

Hell, one of my residents thinks he just got back from the war, except he knows there is a nigger president. Dude is peachy as can be, just don't mention anything that could be associated with politics, then it's "THAT GOD DAMNED NIGGER PRESIDENT, HE'S THE REASON I GOT LAID OFF OF MY JOB AT JACOB'S" (some kinda of factory, I've gathered) for the next 15 minutes.

It's fascinating, sad, and terrifying.

>>5984044

I've done the salt in my tea.

The best was when my mom and I got drunk one night for my birthday and we put a pizza in the oven and completely forgot about it overnight. Had to clean the oven like 3 times to get the smell out.

>>5987047

Our burgers looked like that in school when I was a kid. We got told they were soy-beans, heh.

>>5990702
Octopus has 3 viable plural versions
>Octopuses
>Octopi
and the truly old school
>Octopodes

>>5984044
>just got into highschool
>play football
>start to eat more
>start to cook for myself
>potstickers
>"To pan fry, start with some water or oil in a pan"
>WHYNOTBOTH
>crazy popping of oil and water mixture
>throw blanket over it
>ruin blanket

>>5993277
>Hell, one of my residents thinks he just got back from the war, except he knows there is a nigger president
kek. Sounds like /pol/ in old man form.

>>5984783
It's also wrapped in bacon