/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>5158071

Whenever I drop food, deep in my heart, I know it was for all my dead Homies.

>RIP in peace, Homies.

>around five years old
>at circus
>holy shit this is so much fun
>eating a snow cone
>clowns come out
>they have a cannon
>lol what are they gonna do with tha--
>cannon goes off
>I jump
>snow cone is now on the floor

>>5158071
I worked in a cafe for 8 years and never dropped a dish. Drunken nights at home are a different story. Rip in peace

>sunday night about a year ago
>wife is out of town
>go to butcher and get an inch thick strip steak
>fuckhuge russet
>a gazillion brussels sprouts
>12pk of stone IPA
2hrs later
>a new hope on the flat screen
>3 shots of jack in me and a couple beers
>potato and sprouts are done
>room temp steak goes in and out of cast iron
>seared perfectly and mid rare
8min later
>steak rested
>potato overflowing with butter, sour cream and some chives and pepper on top
>sprouts are garlicy and buttery and delicious
>head to livingroom to watch the end of movie
>CAT OUT OF NOWHERE RUNNING AT THE SPEED OF SOUND DOWN HALLWAY
>sidestep cat
>plate catches edge of door
>dump everything on the carpet
>mfw there's cat hair on everything
>mfw i spend 20min cleaning sour cream and steak juice out of the carpet
>mfw i had frozen pizza for dinner

>being a kid eating icecream while seated
>ICECREAM FALLS.....right down to my palm placed in my crotch.
>put icecream on cone and keep eating

Not today, motherfuckers. Not today

>>5158095
I'm getting feels

>>5158088
nigga, it's just ice

>>5158095

I'd have been eating cat for dinner.

I spilled a milkshake in my car once, car never smelled right after that. Glad it wasn't Kevin's chili tho.

>>5158146
this
not even kidding
skinned, gutted, muscles detached, half an hour in pineapple juice, skewered, done
> I don't know honey, I'll ask the neighbors if they saw the poor thing

>>5158222
>Kevin's chili
I literally cannot watch that scene, it's too sad

>Making a cake for my friends birthday
>We both haven't been having the best of days lately
>Cake will surely cheer us up
>As SOON as I put the finishing touches on it and lift it up to carry to the table
>Drop it
>No way in hell I could have saved it no matter how hard I tried (trust me, I tried)
>splat
>Just fucking stare at it on the floor for about 5 minutes
>Just fucking sit next to it and look at it for about another 10 just thinking about all the bullshit in my life

Man, those were bad times.

>lunch with my friends at work
>go to our favorite place
>we all order sandwiches
>I haven't eat anything
>got the most gorgeous sandwich I've ever seen
>walk out of the restaurant
>trip and drop the sandwich
>everyone stares at the sandwich as if it's a dead body or a crime scene
>my best friend gives me half of his sandwich because I'm about to cry
>clerk silently cleans up the mess and looks sad as fuck

>>5158071
5 second rule, it's still good. Stop squandering your time on /ck/ and hurry and recover it before it's overtaken by germs.

when i was like 12, my dad had cooked a bunch of pot pies in the oven. i was really hungry so i couldnt wait the whole time for it to cool down. when i picked up the tin i got about 2 feet from the stove before it hurt so bad and i yelped and dropped it top down on the floor

>get new indoor grill for Christmas
>it's curved to allow juices to drain into the drain pan
>put hot dogs on grill
>hot dogs are cooking
>go to flip them
>they all roll off the slanted grill onto the floor
>mfw

>putting away groceries
>egg carton is knocked
>hands full oh shit
>catch the carton between two fingers
>carton opens and three eggs fall
>I'm 20 and can't even put away groceries without breaking shit

>Taking an 8 hour long class
>Building has Dunkin Donuts in it
>Skip breakfast that morning because hurried as fuck
>Finally get a break in class long enough to run downstairs to buy the last glazed donut
>As soon as I sit back down in class the donut falls from my hands
>Pick that shit up and eat it anyway because I've eaten worse while deployed
>No one even thinks it's weird

>>5158095

>Be like 9
>Fix one of those Dinty Moore microwave chili things
>Go into living room to eat it
>Drop it and get it all over the carpet because parents had white trash doublewide
>Parents say I did it on purpose because I was saying it looked like cat food earlier
>Burned my foot
fug

>>5158587
Forgot to add:
>Anon clean that shit up, if you want to waste good food then you can at least have the damn decency to not make us clean it up
>mfw thinking about it now

>work with a catering service
>we're doing a lunch buffet for a few hundred people
>its a convention so we have to fit all our hotboxes and equipment in tighter quarters than we like
>there are some convention bags and stuff right next to the hotbox
>there's nobody at the booth so i just move them as far out of the way as possible
>buffet goes on and i'm carrying a pan of chicken parm from our kitchen set up to the hot box
>one of our servers moves behind the curtain to get something
>i move to the side, the curtain catches the sheet pan and i dump chicken and tomato sauce all over the bags.

i cleaned it up as best i could but i never found the guy, he probably thinks were a bunch of assholes

>beautiful summer day
>on the boardwalk at beach with my GF
>on vacation, everything is perfect
>get some awesome beach pizza, sit down on bench to eat it
>seagull shits on my plate
>amazing pizza is covered in white shit, and it splattered all over my chest

Fuck those monsters

>>5158394

>>5158095
this is possibly the saddest story I've ever heard

>work at sub shop
>Be making subs during rush hour
>making vegetarian sub
>drop whole lettuce bucket on ground in front of a bunch of customers
>turn around to pick up and knock over bottle of spice while doing it
>look at customers and theyre giving me dirty looks
not a good night that night. I proceeded to drop some more stuff and i just said fuck it

>>5158095

>>5158071
>drop plate of spaghetti
>on keyboard

>walking away from gas station with shitty lunch time hot dogs
>bird shits on my hand and the dogs

>>5159696
>>5158694
i've been shit on by a bird exactly one time

coincidentally i happened to be at the trap range and about to call "pull" for my next clay.

> At my Aunt & Uncle's place for christmas dinner a few years ago
> Appetizer is Foie Gras on top of toast
> College aged and never tried it, so I was extremely excited
> Pick up toast while chatting with my family
> This shit just slow motion slides off the toast, bounces off my lap, and onto the floor
> Floor is a rug, no doubt with some traces of cat fur from their cat
> Quickly pick it up as my family laughs
> Inspect Foie piece
> Aunt and Uncle "joke" about how much they paid to buy it & have it shipped
> ... pluck out a cat hair stuck onto the Foie, eat it.

>19 year old meek geek living with stoners
>live in the kinda half destroyed drug house you see in movies
>finally do the coveted wake and bake, for the first time in my life
>decide too roll all my cupboards and fridge have left into waffles
>make 2 of them 1 for me one for my roomie who smoked my down
>whip up whats left of the heavy creme into whipped creme
>simmer some frozen berries in simple syrup to make a topping
>use a knife to make chocolate shavings
>set plates on shitty small counter maybe a 1/5th of my plate hanging over the edge
>entire house is wildly unlevel
>counter has a rounded edge
>give my roommate his waffle
>go back to put away cooking stuff
>put what's left of the berries back in the freezer
>the impact of the freezer door closing
>plus the weight of all the topping and whipped cream shifting to the edge of the plate because of the houses slant
>the plate falls it's trajectory perfected guided by the rounded counter edge to land upside down
>all light has vanished from my life
>I raise my voice for maybe the first time in anger to just say "FUCK"

>7 years old
>just moved into a new town
>my dad takes me to a nearby ice cream shop to celebrate the move-in
>strawberry ice cream on a waffle cone hnnng
>as we are walking home, I lick the scoop too hard, and it falls straight onto the sidewalk


>but my dad scoops it back up and puts it back on the cone, and I don't care cuz 5 sec rule
>find a big strawberry, bite into it
>lose a tooth because it was actually a rock from the sidewalk

>>5161096
you need to stop being a pussy

>>5158095
Not only is this the saddest story I have hear, but I am afraid I have some bad news.
Your wife was out of town cheating on you.

>>5158095
>Having a bad day
>Just got off work, decide to make one of my favorite 'feel good' meals, Chicken Picatta
>Buy some delicious looking chicken
>Get home, start to prep
>Pound out chicken, dredge in flour
>Sear the chicken perfectly
>Make some basmatti rice with rosemary celery sea salt seasonings mixed in
>Make the best picatta sauce I have ever made with the last of the white wine and capers I had
>All this took about an hour
>Plate it up nice
>Finally starting to have a decent day, start cracking a smile
>get a tall glass of milk and head to my room to watch a movie while I eat
>Step on a dog bone in the hallway my plate and glass of milk soars down the hallway and smashes into the wall, breaking the plate and the glass of milk
>Stupid ass dogs start eating my dinner, scream at them cause of the broken glass.
>Spend over an hour and half cleaning fucking white win butter sauce and milk from my carpet, and cutting my hands on the broken glass and ceramic chunks that are too big to go in the vacuum
>Day is officially fucking shit, start to tear up
>Go to bed without eating and without watching the movie I wanted to watch

>be like 8 years old
>have a friend over
>he tells me he's hungry
>say me too and go to the kitchen
>get out some motherfucking RITZ crackers and peanut butter and a plate
>think about the melt in your mouth deliciousness we're about to eat
>spread peanut butter on nearly every cracker from the box and put them on the plate
>down to the last few
>hurry hurry
>oh god this is gonna be so good
>spreading pb on the last one
>mum walks into the kitchen and starts yelling at me because I used the whole packet
>takes the fucking plate off the bench and goes somewhere with it
>;_;

>A few weeks ago
>Working from 6am to 10pm
>Get home
>Have no food but some leftover spaghetti
>Heat that shit up, go to take it upstairs to my room
>As I'm opening the door, I drop it. It goes all over the floor and is completely unsalvagable
>Hungry, I cry myself to sleep.

>>5161804
I should point out I don't have any food because I'm poor, which is why I have to work 14 hour shifts.

>At grandma's, probably 5 or 6yo
>Uncle brought his gf home to visit (now my aunt)
>having spaghetti
>everyone loads their plates, heads for living room
>Aunt's spaghetti is wet, doesn't stick to her plate
>whole plate of spaghetti slid off onto the carpet.
>she was mortified, we couldn't stop laughing
we give her shit about that to this day.

>make english breakfast with the last of my bacon
>bacon, eggs, spicy beans, sausages, toast
>carrying plate into my room
>edge of carpet is sticking up for no good reason
>trip and drop plate, lands upside down on carpet
Day went from great to shit in a split second.

>at a nightclub
>spend the last of my money on a tall rum and coke with lime
>light my last cigarette
>relax
>drop cigarette in drink
It's like I just won't let myself be happy.

>>5161820
...you drink that shit or you're a pussy

cigarette is a total loss, but don't be a faggot
i'm willing to bet that there's no smoker on this board that hasn't ashed in to their own drink on accident


faggot

>Make small pizza in toaster oven
>plate it, turn to go sit by tv
>stumble
>whole pizza slides off plate
>face down on the carpet
>spent an entire day washing cheese and grease out of the carpet

http://buzzfeed.tumblr.com/post/63740576784/sound-of-silence-plays

I know >tumblr but still

>>5161827
If I'd been wasted I might've done, but I've drank beer out of a can, not knowing that someone had put a cig in it, and it was foul. I have too much self respect to do that to myself on purpose.

And don't call me a faggot /b/tard, you don't know me.

Is anyone else incredibly clumsy? I'm a massive klutz with everything around me.

>be at older sisters house
>eating home made mini pizzas on the couch
the couch is a shitty fucking 2 seater op shop couch
>my mum walks over to me and goes to sit down thinking I'll just move over next to her
>fucking not happening as you sink half a foot down when you sit on it
>quickly try and move out of the way while holding mini pizza awkwardly
>she pretty much sits on me and I drop the pizza on the carpet
>everyone yells my name in anger

Another time.

>be at my bros
>having chicken burgers he cooked up in a pan
>plate up
>I go to grab a chicken breast off the plate with some tongs
>realize I don't have a good hold on it as I lift it to the bun
>yell FUCK as it drops to the floor
>he just say's "Dude.."


I'm so fucking clumsy, guys, I have to reflexes of a dead person and everything is a struggle ;_;

>>5161834
no, i don't know you, but i know enough people like you to know that dropping a cigarette in your own drink is by no means grounds for not drinking your drink. you made your bed and you fucking lay in it, faggot.

>>5161837
clumsy is usually cured by forethought

"i'm just gonna do this" doesn't really translate into real life "these are the things in need to do for this to take place"

pay attention

>>5161844
How do I get better reflexes, anon? My friends and siblings deliberately toss things to me knowing I'll react like a complete autist and fumble everything all the time and I always do.

>tfw talking to new housemates
>keeping spaghetti in control and being interesting/having good conversation with them
>get asked if I want another beer
>say sure
>get tossed a bottle of beer
>I completely spaz out and it drops and breaks on the ground covering my legs in beer

>>5161837
A friend of mine sometimes does little sound effects to accompany his actions, and he's pretty clumsy as well so somebody gave him the nickname "Destruction FX."

I'm usually quite dextrous but today I wanted to eat some soup in bed, got my place mat thing whatever you call it (a coaster for plates), put the bowl on it, and within a minute I'd reached over it for something and my baggy sleeve (I wear a karate suit in bed) caught on the corner of the place mat and threw the whole thing off the bed. Good job I don't have a carpet.

>>5161849
if you're actually paying attention to your surroundings someone giving you warning and then tossing you a beverage should not be a traumatic event

situational awareness

>>5161849
I'd say certain types of videogames are the best way to improve reflexes and hand-eye coordination.

I have a friend who absolutely refuses to even attempt to catch anything.

>>5161858
>I have a friend who absolutely refuses to even attempt to catch anything.

I've always done that too, same with throwing. I'd rather flat out refuse then attempt it and fail embarrassing myself.

>>5161866
>>5161858
>refuses to even attempt to catch anything

wow...just fucking wow

you do realize that missing a catch with a little "fuck you" and then laughing about it is much more sociable than just standing there like a retard and letting a roll of tape hit you in the face

>>5161874
Now I want to hit someone in the face with a roll of tape...

>working on a commercial boat
>about to load passengers
>have to get a tall pot of veg soup up the outer stairs cause kitchen didn't have it done early like usual
>trip half way
>soup goes forwards and splashes off of steps and rolls over my arms
>squeal like a pig

It was about 45F that morning and the wind was blowing. I probably would have had some burns if it hadn't whisked the heat off my arms so quickly.

pic kinda related.

>>5161874
Of course I'll attempt to catch it if it's thrown I mean, but if someone motions to me that they're going to throw me something I'll just say "Don't", and walk up to them to take it.

>>5161888
you are a female

>>5158095
posted before

good story though;_;

>yr 10
>friends parants go away for 2 weeks
>we all stay at his place
>by day 3 the house is down to just flour and pasta
>friend had stashed a cake in his shed
>grab cake and baracade myself in his computer room
>4 hungry teens trying to smash down the door as i hurriedly scoff down the cake
>get 1/3 of the way through
>open his window and reach out to put it on top of the recycling bin
>open the door and they see it through the window
>they all rush outside to the cake
>i walk out and see the xbox on with the game paused
>take the AV cable and walk home (lived down the street)

serves them right for fucking hording that cake from me

>>5161939
i think that's the gayest story ever told that didnt' involve a man's ass

>>5161942
you have no idea how animalistic shit gets when theres no food in a house

>>5161943
no, cuz in situations like that i just went and bought food.
i didn't grow up rich but i always had my own money.

>>5161948
>cuz
speak english not nigger.

we spent it all on weed and booze, dumb fuck

>>5161951
what the fuck do you think i did with my money?
i always had money for food

CUZ, i wasn't a nigger piece of shit

>>5161959
>still typing like a nigger

ignoring you until you act like a human, kid

>>5161963
i'm actually a 33yr old white adult. i have a well paying job and, although, i did finish much college i manage to drink a lot of fucking alcohol.

do i care what random asshole in /ck/ thinks about my grammar?
no.

but i will keep drinking even though my grandfather clock is about to strike 8am
that should remind the wife that she should have been in the shower 15min ago

>>5161985
oh shit, i'm sorry. i meant to type didn't.

>>5158071
I'm not a clutz, I don't drop food.

>>5161985
nah, your just some little nigger who cant speak english ,kid

>>5162032
waaa

>>5161887
>working on a commercial boat
I thought you were going to go on about clumsily dropping all of the passengers off the boat lol

>>5161925
No, I'm a male.

>>5158095
I swear animals do this kind of shit on purpose just to be an asshole.

>>5161802
wat

>>5163109
>>5162032
>>5161985
>>5161963
>>5161959
>>5161951
>>5161948
>arguing on the internet

>sit on couch relaxing trying to watch TV
>take pizza out of fridge to bake that shit up
>ate some frozen pizza in the mean time
>pizza all hot and good looking
>place on plate proceed to enjoy TV
>put plate on couch
>mom comes in and sat on it without looking
>still having released she sat on the pizza so I slid my hands in trying to grab the pizza
>cop a feel of mums ass
>she looks at me noticing what I was doing
>doesnt stop me and looks away
>feelsgoodman.png

>>5163723
nice one anon

>last 2 grams of weed grinded up and put into baggy
>fall asleep
>feel something around my toes when I wake up in the morning
>empty baggy
FUUUUUUUAAUAUAUUAUAUUAUAUUAUCKCKKIIIING SHIIITTTTSOSOSIDUOSI

>>5163723
>still having released
Holy shit what the hell is wrong with me
I meant to say "still havent realised"

>>5158071
>Leaving grocery store
>got a bottle of malt vinegar to put on sweet potato fries i have at home
>wife hands me bags with vinegar as soon as we're in the parking lot
>Fucking drop it, bottle smashes on the ground
>>5158095
>cat hair on teh steak

this is horrible

>>5161985
>college dropout, on 4chan drunk all night

your life sounds horrible

>>5158071
>eating chili
>become full
>get up to put the leftovers in the fridge
>accidentally spill the chili all over the wall
another chili story
>be walking down stairs with chili
>trip on stair
>chili all over the carpet

>love waking up to the smell of cooking bacon
>leave a george foreman on the floor next to my bed with bacon on it the night before
>when alarm wakes me up I plug in the george foreman and hit the snooze button
>10 minutes later I wake up to the smell of perfrct sizzling bacon
>this morning I accidentally stepped out of bed and burned my foot on the grill
>mfw

>>5164054
How long have you been doing this anon, and why would you have it near where your feet go?

>be 10
>helping mom carry in groceries
>grab plastic bag containing gallon of milk
>walking from parking lot to front door (apartment complex)
>decide to start spinning around the bag
>arm is rotating in a full circle like a windmill
>several rotations go by smoothly
>bag rips
>gallon of milk flies mile high into air
>lands next to mom
>gigantic explosion of milk soaks mom's jeans and shoes
>mom is pissed that her stuff is dirty and that we need to go back to the store for more milk
>deducts price of replacement gallon from my $5 weekly allowance, makes me clean her shoes and do a load of laundry consisting of just the jeans she was wearing

>>5164145
>putting your milk in a plastic bag

>>5164174
canucks

>>5161851
>I wear a karate suit in bed
what

>>5164114
>he's not aware

>>5165082

It's probably the martial arts movie version of those guys who watched one too many Charles Bronson films and feel the need to carry a pistol hidden in their clothes when they're in public.

People of low intelligence tend to confuse a movie fantasy with the way the world actually works and they begin to obsess over being "prepared" for some unspecified moment when everyone around them turns into generic movie bad guys, attacking one by one. See for example, the tripfag known as Progun.

>>5158081
>RIP in peace, Homies.
Rest In Peace In Piece?

>do you even TLA?

>>5165503

it's a funny maymay, casualfag

>>5165092
>Progun

Progun died. I think he was jerking off his brother and got hit by a bus or something

>>5163167
Your name is Toby.

>>5165692
I heard he was giving a non-homo handy-J to his bro and using their lonely tears as lube when he had a heart attack and fell mouth-first on his bros 4" nub.

The nub wasn't big enough to choke a healthy person, but Progun's apnea, heart disease, and other maladies resulted in heart failure.

Luckily he bought a fat finger phone and premature ejaculation runs in the family, because his bro was able to call 911 after finishing. The paramedics were able to use the jaws of life, fatty harness, and reinforced gurney to get him to the hospital before too much brain damage occurred.

Unfortunately, all that struggling to get him in the ambulance combined with his pasty complexion and large surface area resulted in prolonged UV exposure that his body was not used to. Stage IV melanoma ensued and he was buried at sea.

The resulting water displacement caused the disappearance of Micronesia and Papua New Guinea.

>be 17
>wake up at 10 am, school starts late today
>disoriented as fuck
>manage to put my bowl of cereal with milk on the table
>sit down and try to grab the newspaper
>elbow catches bowl
>dump everything on my pants
>consider going back to bed

>cutting potatoes for home made fries
>trash can next to me for peels/bad spots
>bowl in front of me for cut taters
>cut off the bad spots, slice up the tater
>throw the bad parts into the bowl
>potato in the trash
>grab another potato
>....wait..
godammit

>early as fuck
>make some coffee
>put filter in the top part
>fill the pot with water
>put a scoop of coffee in the tank
>but the pot on the the...
FUCK

>>5167679
Kunte kinte.

>>5158871
See watermark. Go to bighotdog.com half expecting gay porn. See $100 hit dog. Wtf man.

>>5167712
>The resulting water displacement caused the disappearance of Micronesia and Papua New Guinea.
oh lawdy

>>5169168
This happens every time I'm peeling carrots out of my garden, every fourth carrot or so goes into the trash and the skin into the carrots.

>>5158284
>>Just fucking sit next to it and look at it for about another 10 just thinking about all the bullshit in my life

thats the saddest thing i've ever read

im sorry

>>5167712
>I heard he was giving a non-homo handy-J to his bro and using their lonely tears as lube when he had a heart attack and fell mouth-first on his bros 4" nub.
Is this true?

>>5169433
yes

>>5165092

Look buddy there's a difference between arguing about the stopping power of 9 vs .45 or the practicality of a double stack versus a single and the rarity of a situation where it would matter but if you even for a second think someone is a fool for wanting to defend himself or ignore the thousands of times a year concealed carry has saved lives and property then you've got quite a poor and ignorant world view and probably have your head further in the sand than whoever you're mocking

>>5169735
this

i don't know what it is about guns but the subject turns people into complete morons.
like arguing with a creationist. no matter how much evidence you give them their response is "I DON"T CARE! GUNS ARE BAD AND YOU"RE A BAD PERSON!"

>>5171854
>>5169735
Says the Americans who have an increasing rate of crime...

>>5171884
actually, we don't. crime has gone down every year for the last 30+yrs.

dont' listen to everything you hear on the news
http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/05/07/gun-crime-drops-but-americans-think-its-worse/2139421/

http://articles.latimes.com/2013/may/07/nation/la-na-nn-gun-crimes-pew-report-20130507

retard

>>5171884
>being this misinformed

must be yuropoor posting time

>>5171923
Enjoy your prison state!

>>5171937
>prison state

what exactly do you think this word means, and please explain how it doesn't apply to your country.

>>5171937
Not the guy you're responding to but the prison industrial complex is a great growth industry. You should consider investing.

bamp