/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>19116873
Missing 401?

I once preheated my cat in the oven the next day.

I sometimes leave the door open to let the heat out during winter and the cat always jumps in.

>>19116873
I ruined my best pan by being a drunk idiot the other day. Thankfully I do all my cooking outside like the poor fag that I am

>>19116873
kid looks like a skinwalker

>>19116873
You know you wrong for this lol

>>19116907
I have never ruined any kitchen equipment being drunk.
A lot of friendships, though.

>>19116888
Is he ok?

>>19116873
>[Insert Necromorph running/screaming here]
only us real gamers will understand this

>>19116873
facebook humor

>>19116873
Is that his mom on the left

Must be pretty burnt now

>>19116873
Left a pizza in for too long once. Felt pretty lame about it.
>>19116914
That's clearly a fairy changeling, numbnuts.

>>19116873
>stumble home from the bar around 11
>really fucking hungry
>put some chicken thighs in the oven and sit down to watch tv while I wait
>instantly fall asleep
>wake up at 5 AM
>remove the shriveled husks of the chicken from the oven and eat them anyway

>>19116873
>>19116878
>David Paulides seeing OP's image on his phone at a stop light on the way home from picking up groceries

>>19116873
>Yfw there is more evidence that there was a pizza in the oven than there were jews

>>19116927
I've never ruined a friendship but I definitely forgot I was boiling water. Then I went to sleep. Thankfully I ran out of propane

>>19116888
This is your mind on toxoplasmosis

>>19116873
Anyone else see the crying frog? Wtf.

>>19116873
LONGER THAN YOU THINK!

>>19116873
what did he see?
i need to know

>>19116944
i am exactly high enough for this post, fucking kek

>>19119232
fancy a jaunt?

>>19116873
How did he do it? /out/ always has threads about lone woman hikers getting lost for a day and dying from exposure but this lil bro survived 48 hours on his own. He must have had supernatural help.

>>19120412
SK's novels are mostly shit but he does have some good short stories

>>19120472
his novels range, a couple of stand outs with the rest being fun to dire
his short game though, is indeed, very solid

>>19119270
Nikocado’s sex tapes

>>19119614
DUDE WEED

>>19116873
Bigfoot must have found that boy

>>19116873
He looks like a ginger Harry Melling crossed over with my lil' bro.

>>19116944
>AI trying to recreate an image

Story my uncle once told me
>11pm or a bit later
>high as a kite and drunk as a horse
>decides to order pizza
>calls at the usual place
>guy he knows picks up the phone, says sorry they don't deliver past 11
>my uncle gets mad, tells him to just bring him a pizza
>has to gaslight the guy over the phone to just make one last delivery for the evening
>guy reluctantly agrees, he'll be there in 20 minutes
>my uncle then immediately falls asleep and wakes up at 3am realizing he didn't open the door
we still regularly order at that place

>>19116873
>buy 2 extra large frozen pizzas when doing grocery shopping.
>get home and put them in the freezer
>It's Saturday, time to start drinking and playing on the Minecraft RP server.
>wake up at 4pm on Sunday, must have blacked out and passed out.
>a couple of hours later decide to cook one of the pizzas
>neither are there
>check all over but can't find them
>even check the trash, no evidence.
>check one of my security cams to see if anyone messed with the garbage can after I threw out the trash
>not only did no one mess with it but aftwr checking all the cameras I never even left the house
>nobody came over
>I live alone.
>confirm that I carried the 2 boxes inside my house
This was 4 weekends ago. Like 18" pizzas, boxes are almost 2 feet wide and I have no idea what happened to them.

>>19122835
dont check the basement
they tasted great btw

>>19122835
you're being gangstalked

>take a poop
>it's blood red and the water is red
>my heart sinks
>immediately begin to panic
>call my wife into the bathroom
>she starts crying and calling 911
>suddenly remember I got drunk the previous night and ate and entire red velvet cake

>>19122927
Lol I did that before but I didn't call anyone in the room to check on it. I panicked internally for like 30 seconds and was like, "oh yeah lol." Happened with beets before too.

>>19118588
meds

>>19116873
that boy looks like he's seen the face of God

>>19122947
You mean Liru?

>>19122927
red is fine, usually you just tore your asshole no big deal, but black means internal bleeding, always wigs me out when i drink a whole box of wine and have jet black shit the next day, wondering if i'm dying or just retarded or both

>>19123112
Yes I do this too. I had to stop drinking large amounts wine, I would always drink too much and it gives you the worst hangovers.

>>19122835
this happened to me once but in my story I was mad at my room mate for eating my pizza until I realized I ate the entire thing in a drunken stupor and walked outside and burnt the cardboard box in the fire pit outside so the pizza disappeared from the earth without a trace

>>19116926
Of course. He's just pre heated.

>>19122938
one time I drank a couple glasses of that Mio shit you put in water and a couple hours later I felt sick and puked up a bunch of liquid that exactly mirrored bloody vomit. I spent like the next 12 hours watching myself for signs of blood loss in case I needed to go the hospital. I never buy the red kind again after that.

>>19122835
Did you check the oven?

>>19116873
Friend of mine got drunk and put a tv dinner in the microwave for 40 minutes instead of 4. He fell asleep and would have died from smoke inhalation if a friend hadn’t happened to drop by. Would have been a really dumb way to die.

>>19123539
There's no evidence of fire in the house. I did have an 8 gallon stock pot on the stove that was cleaner than I remember putting it away. I wonder if I boiled it all till it disintegrated and then like flushed it down the toilet or something. But why would I do that? And if I was so drunk I can't even remember like a 20 hour window how could I have physically been able to do it? And what about the plastic bag that's sealed around the pizza inside the box? Times 2.

Maybe I didn't put water in the stock pot at first. It's almost big enough to be able to set one whole pizza down in it. What I'm thinking is fucking stupid, but what if someone were to try to create and improvised stove top pizza oven?

That still doesn't explain what happened to the trash.

>>19123573
Of course I checked the oven I'm not some retard like OP. Only things I haven't checked are my tvs, which are still working and attached to the walls so I doubt I took them apart to put pizza in.

>>19123614
>Of course I checked the oven I'm not some retard like OP
>*Loses two huge pizzas without a trace*
You were saying?

>>19123626
Fuck off, they're only huge til they're cooked and eaten(partially or totally)

>>19123557
>I never buy the red kind again after that.
Because it looked like blood or because it made you puke? Or does the latter not bother you?

>>19123637
Yeah but you lost 2 of them. Not one, but two. But do continue to tell me how you aren't retarded like OP.

>>19120433
His owl like vision helped him avoid danger at night

>>19120433
Women are fuckin retarded.

>>19122835
>you dreamt buying 2 large pizzas and cant find them

>>19123693
>Mfw this dumbass can't even get a grip on reality

Other than lyme and a bathtub, can you bake a kid for days and just remove the mush?

>>19123771
>Other than lyme and a bathtub, can you bake a kid for days and just remove the mush?

WHAT?????

>>19123657
They may have been either consumed or destroyed but not abandoned.

>>19123693
>>19123703
It absolutely happened get a firm grasp on my dick bitch.

>>19123771
you'd be better off cutting in to chunks and stewing in 4 large pots. Eventually even the bones will disintegrate, but you will have to grind up the teeth. After stewing, just rent out a motel room and flush it all down the motel room toilet.

>>19123786
Everything you say is conjecture. There is no evidence these pizzas ever existed.

>>19122835
I bet money you put them in the fridge instead of freezer and just haven't looked there yet

>>19124043
>OPs face when he opens the fridge and finds his 4 week old pizzas

>>19124043
>>19124085
I thought all the fast food posting was memes all these years bit if you guys think it's completely reasonable to not open your fridge for a month I'm not so sure....

>>19124104
Says the dumbass who lost two 18 inch pizzas without a trace.

>>19122927
When I was a kid I ate the Captain Crunch: Oops! All Berries! cereal a lot one day because I really liked it. I shat out extremely colorful turds and panicked. Went to the hospital with my mom and when the doctor asked what I've been eating it started to make a lot more sense.

>>19123602
Is it possible you used the stock pot to burn all the evidence, which also explains why it was cleaner than you remember because the fire from the pizza boxes cooked away all the filth from before

>decide to make some chicken stock
>go digging in the freezer for bones
>find some leg and thigh bones from a pack of chicken quarters about 5 months ago
>and a whole carcass, untouched wings
>weird, don't remember this being here
>the bag it's sealed in has writing on it
>May 2021
bros be straight with me, am I gonna regret this?

>>19123786
yo, >>19123962 raises a good point. did you by the pizzas with cash, do you have the receipt? did you buy them via debit or credit card, where you can just log onto your bank and verify you spent enough money on two would be pizzas at the store you remember buying it at?

>>19124531
I bought them with EBT

>>19116873
I remember watching the mcgregor fight. It starts here at like 4 am and first you have to sit through the undercard before getting to the main event. For some reason i thought it was a good idea to start drinking early. I nearly drank a liter bottle of Jameson before passing out. When i woke up they were putting the belt on Mcgregor. I go to bed and puke all over my carpeting.

>>19124657
Is it possible you ate the packing

>>19122835
Once I got home from the store on a Friday and when I went to make a sandwich for work Monday morning was surprised to find I didn't buy any lunchmeat. It bothered me for a few days because I could have sworn I bought some. suddenly I had an epiphany and checked under the seats of my car and sure enough it had fallen out of the bag and slid under there and rotted for almost a week. The bag it was in was all swollen up and I almost popped it pulling it out from under the seat.

>>19123112
First time I took Pepto Bismol my shit was black and I was horrified, had no idea that was common with Pepto until I looked it up

>>19123112
One time i shit what felt like a gallon of red blood.

>>19124724

>>19124504
No

>Get blackout drunk
>Have random memory of muslim kid knocking on door and offering me a tray of food
>Not sure if it really happened or not
Apartment life can be strange

>>19124108
They're only lost of they weren't eaten or otherwise disposed of.

>>19124190
Maybe bit then you'd thong there would he ash somewhere near or around the stove and a lingering smell of burning cardboard.

>>19124531
>>19124735
I have a security camera video of me carrying them in. I remember specifically using them as a tray to carry the rest of mtly groceries to make less trips.

>>19124657
>>19124724
>>19124954
Not me

>getting drunk in hotel room
>order some food
>suddenly wake up 4 hours later
>AWW FUCK
>open door
>food is still there
>whew
happened like 3 times

>>19123112
>red is fine, usually you just tore your asshole no big deal, but black means internal bleeding
This.

>>19126433
I bare ass farted in a bag of taco that was sitting across the hall from me for at least 3 hours. At some point that day the bag was gone

>>19123614
>I doubt I took them apart to put pizza in.
But are you sure? How can you be sure?

>>19127078
When I'm blackout drunk I can only disassemble electronics, not put them together. That was a joke though, why would I hide pizzas in a tv?

>>19126420
>Not me
How would you even know.

>>19127217
Because I haven't blacked out since saturday-sunday. All I did is drink some smirnoff ices and smoke a little weed and that doesn't even get me buzzed, I just wanted to take a nap.

>>19127233
You lost two 18 inch pizzas without a trace. For all I know I am you.

>drunk
>put raw chicken in a metal bowl because pans all dirty and its cold outside so no bbq
>Fall asleep
>wake up 4 hours later to alarms going off and tons of smoke
>chicken a black clump in bowl
tooks weeks to get the smell out

>>19116873
Shit's happened to me twice. I now prevent it by only keeping microwaveable junk food in the house when I go out drinking.

>Mfw American's can't handle their liquor and are lucky not to have killed themselves

>>19120433
He clearly wasn't poisoned from urban faggotry, only women and subhumans would die from a mere two days in the wilderness.

>>19123112
Had a major health scare. Took a shit and had the blackest stool ever. Paid like 400 bucks for them to tell me its probably something i ate or drank.

>>19123112
>jet black shit the next day
lol an entire package of oreos will do that too

>>19127758
lol

>>19116873
what was his diet, bros?

>>19127858
Smurfs by the looks of him

>>19127858
Mushrooms

>>19127962
Kek

>>19116873
>be drunk at like 2 am saturday night
>roomies going to bed, im hungry af
>dont feel like cooking, foolishly order mcdonalds on uber eats
>pass out on the couch waiting for it
>wake up at like 8 am upset and wondering why im not in my bed
>wake up at like 11 am pic related, thinking 'MY MCDONALDS"
>run outside, still there, but rained on
>eat the mcdoubles as is, reheat fries in oven
if anything rain water probably adds more nutrition to mcd's anyways

>>19127991
My rule of thumb when it comes to McDs is that it usually just sits under a heatlamp anyway. A day outside of a fridge won't kill you.
Yes, I am messy.

>>19127991
mcdonalds on uber eats is like 25$ minimum

>>19117546
>The hangover burnt chicken barf flavour in your mouth later at 11pm

>>19124735
People like you should be put to death for your lack of cognitive function. You brought your groceries in and put them all away without noticing something was missing? You fucking bought it, how could you not notice?

If I had ultimate power I'd kill everyone like you and people who can't remember their childhood because it shows an inferior brain. I remember when I was 2 years old and I'm 32 now. Anyone who can't remember that far back or who frequently forgets what they fucking bought less than 24 hours ago should be gassed and burned.

>>19116888
I always worry my cat will jump in :(

>>19116873
>brother got second degree burns all over his arms after trying to extinguish a pot of flaming oil with tap water

>>19116914
youre a black nigger

>>19117546
kekked i saved your post for my collection ty sir

>>19116873
Woke up one morning after taking a bunch of edibles to my oven beeping. I forgot to turn it off

I do a lot of drinking but have never actually fallen asleep with something cooking and burnt it horribly.
After the many many stories I've read on this board, I set a rule for myself about only using the toaster oven or microwave oven (for ramen or popcorn) when I'm really drunk since those are both on mandatory timers.

>>19129460
This happens to me. I always turn my girlfriend on when drunk and pass out and forget to turn her off and wake up to a bunch of noise and mess.

>>19129473
I unlike many posters on this board have 2 special abilities. 1 is I can handle my liquor and don't pass out after sitting down. The second one is In have a double digit IQ. So I always set the timer on the oven which turns the oven off when done.

>>19129481
>I have a double digit IQ
I believe you

>>19129488

>>19122946
Hopefully that guy doesn't have toxoplasmosis, those meds will break the bank!

>>19129501
You're right; I'm the idiot for believing someone on this site would be stupid enough to write that and mean it.

>>19129520
See my previous reply >>19129501

If you're drinking to the point where you black out and pass out, you have a problem. That is not how normal people use alcohol.

>>19122927

If it's like coffee grounds you are fucked. Either your kidneys are shutting down or your liver is dying. Shitting blood isn't particularly alarming if it doesn't happen very often unless you feel no pain. Otherwise, you probably just tore your asshole.

>drink a bottle of cheap wine.
>finish purple in the face, wet belly dripping on the table, ass moist in my Athena underwear.
>dropping monumental farts, a hot liquid running down my legs.
>smell of chicken fat, sweaty balls, fecal matter and alcohol embalming the room
>wake up breathless in the middle of sleep apnea, letting out one final wind, literally shitting all over my briefs, spilling it all over the chair.
>say to myself that I will wash it later.
>go to the fridge to finish the leftovers macaronis under the cold light of the bulb of the kitchen.
>drink one liter of red wine between two tablespoons of pasta.
>macaronis full of grease turned into an odious pasta cake with the cold.
>wine left in the heat turned into vinegar.
>still gulp it down.
>gobble 4 slices of ham on large pieces of expired brioche buns.
>make a long and oily fart and close the fridge.
>I have eaten again without being hungry.
>return in the armchair full of cockroaches, turn on the TV, begin to masturbate at 8 seconds long late night commercials.
>can't find the strength to finish myself.
>spend the end of the evening smelling the space between my thumb and index while watching life coaching videos.
>tell myself that tomorrow I'll make the effort to start a new life, sports, eating better.
>get up with my ass still full of dried shit and go to the freezer to get a budget ice cream - the last one before my new life.
>finish it up in one go.
>hear my wife calling me in her god forsaken monkey language from the bed.
>pretend not to hear, instead devour up 6 slices of rancid bread roughly spread with andalusian sauce and margarine.
>scream to her that I'll make her clean my ass later with that tongue.
>she doesn't answer, probably doesn't understand.
>she will soon.

>>19116873
this lil fucker made it! hell yeah

>>19129778
Do you think I give a fuck? I'll black out and make you impersonate 2 frozen pizzas.

>>19122835
Do it again. It's the only way

>>19120884
its meth actually

>>19129907
it's your life bud

>>19129891
he looks like he has shell shock. at his age its going to mess him up for life.

>>19116873
This was actually just his face when he saw the diversity hire they flew in from out of state to do the press conference

>>19116873
>tfw I get back from work and realize my fridge wasn't closed all the way

>>19116873
They shoulda left that little boy in the woods

>>19129922
I will do it again, it's my Saturday routine but the food changes. It's the, 2nd Saturday of the month so it actually is pizza time.

>>19116873
Poor little fella. QRD?
>>19118904
You're spending too much time here. But yeah, I see it now you said.

>>19120659
Let me guess, is this fine figure of a fellow what some might term a "mutt"? AKA a "shartistani"? Or a "burger"?

>>19122927
>>19124128
Recently my three year old son ate a lot of cupcakes with blue food colouring at nursery. Gave him green diarrhea. I've had better days...

>>19126525
Kek. Just for that St. Peter isn't going to let you in.

>>19127370
True. In bongistan we're clever enough to just get a doner kebab on the way home. Usually the meat contains minced rape victims too, so it counts as going for dinner date with a woman. Win/win situation.

>>19129520
That pic is pure gold

>>19129886

>>19130364
He’s an adopted Ukrainian

>>19128604

>>19130588
I've had to prep for a colonoscopy

>>19130338
3 year old got lost in the Montana wilderness for 2 days.

>>19129886

>>19131147
Thanks fren, you're a real help. I particularly like the effort you put into the details. Have a great day now!

>>19116927
I've nearly ruined my life several times and friendships were just collateral

Not so much a drinker anymore

>>19130429
Well he is doesn't he better not let his door dash sit outside the pearly gates.

>>19132341
No worries cunt haha

>>19116873
bump

>get drunk one night
>moreso than usual
>pouring another drink (cheap scotch and bundaberg ginger beer) when I notice the bottles of food colouring in the kitchen
>have a pink drink, a green drink, a blue drink
>fucked up with the blue one and poured in way too much, the drink almost takes on a deep black obsidian hue
>finish the drink and go pass out
>wake up the next day, have totally forgotten about the hijinks with the food colouring
>have a coffee to get the bowels going, time for whisky shits
>look down as I'm wiping my arse
>heart skips a beat as I see the interior of the toilet bowl is coated in dark green shit
>what the fuck
>panic for 5 minutes until I remember what happened the night before
Fun times

>>19116873
>Be living in the south
>Be in middle school
>Hear rumor about so many preservatives in fast food it will never spoil
>Go on a trip with family on plane
>Go get a Burger King chicken sandwich and leave it in the back of the family car
>Family leaves the family car at airport for 2 weeks in airport parking
>Come back and I find the chicken sandwich practically looking the same as I left it in the wrapper and bag
>Mfw?
>Eat said sandwich
>My surprise I didn't get sick and it still tasted good, albeit a little shriveled up

>>19136517
Based, did your parents catch you eating it?

>>19122946
good idea

>>19116873
>Left my small burner on the stove on low for like 2 days.
I literally only noticed because I noticed a pot that was sitting on the stove was warm for no reason. Not hot like it was cooking, but like it was left in the sun. I don't even remember why I turned it on

>>19137377
Checked. And I told them. I'm not originally from the south, just a dumb adventurous kid. I have another story.
>Be in middle school
>Worked under the table helping family friends with various crap jobs, like gardening, weed pulling, mowing lawns,
>Parents wouldn't buy me anything
>"Video games and going to the movies are a waste of time"
>Little sperg middle schooler me liked pizza a LOT
>Would order pizza and hide it, because parents would get mad
>Had a system of excuses of why I wasn't hungry or would have to hide the things I bought from them
>Ordered Papa Johns on this particular time because local pizza place has amazing pizza, but wanted to try something new
>Parents come home as I am munching on the Zaa, and playing Prince of Persia on PS2
>Hear door click
>"OH, FUCK! GOTTA HIDE IT OR THROW IT OUT"
>Hide pizza under dirty bed
>Forget about it for rest of day
>Bed time
>Boy am I hungry while I play more GTA
>Remembered pizza under the bed
>Grab pizza box from under bed
>Eat it
>Next day, go to hospital shitting literal blood and water
I was a dumbby kiddo.

>>19127207
You tell me, it was your idea.

>>19137547
>Next day, go to hospital shitting literal blood and water
Typical reaction to Papa Johns

>>19137585
It wasn't my idea.