/ck/ - Food & Cooking

When I was in college, I burnt spices while trying to toast them for a recipe. The fumes of my poor man's mustard gas caused the entire floor to evacuate.

>>18181453
>when you get drunk and start dinner and then pass out until morning

>>18181453
Cremation is done in an instant pot nowadays?

>>18181453
>in college dorm sleeping
>fire alarm goes off
>me and my roommate/his gf look at each other, both seem to agree to just sleep and ignore it
>someone knocks on our door
>fuck it have to get up
>"I'm coming"
>"it's your room"
>look at stove, there's a blackened piece of bread in a pot charring away
>our other roommate was making ??? and fucked off
fuck you chris for making me wake up, how are you so shit at cooking

My mom did OPs image, but with eggs. Started hard-boiling them at night so they're ready in the morning, accidentally fell asleep after laying down for a moment. Woke up in the AM to the most revolting smell of charcoal rotten eggs. The pan was totally unsalvageable.

>forget to add water to the tray
>microwave set to 4 minutes
>fuck off and go back to my battlestation to shitpost
>it literally catches fire and engulfs the microwave in flames
>black smoke fills the kitchen
>smoke detector hasn't worked in years
>I start smelling the smoke from the basement
>run upstairs to see smoke billowing out of the microwave
>immediately fill a bowl with water and throw it into the microwave
>kitchen basically ruined, everything in the house smells like smoke, wall needs to be repainted, microwave replaced, everything around the microwave has a brownish tinge
Yeah, mom freaked.

>Middle of winter
>Mate comes to stay for the weekend to get pissed and watch ruggers
>Make a mince and cheese pie for dinner
>Get pissed up during the game
>After the game put the rest of the pie in the oven and crank it to 200
>In the bathroom shaving my mates head
>Smell something
>Say to mate "who the fuck is having a barbecue in the rain at 11 o'clock"
>"Oh fuck the pie"
>Run out to the kitchen and get the pie out of the oven
>Put it on a cutting board then put outside on the table
>Finish shaving my mates head
>Pie is burnt but we aren't letting it go to waste
>Pour T sauce all over it and stand in the rain eating it with a couple forks

>>18181553
fookin lads

>>18181544
you better treat your mom right after fucking up her kitchen you sperg

>Be drinking and and shitposting
>Drunk as hell but hungry so I decide to make some beans
>Set the pot, dump in a can on high heat, and drink some more
>Pass out in my chair, at this point it's probably 2am
>Wake up to the fire alarm going off
>Jump out of my chair and see a pot full of smoke and some black substance
>Open doors/windows and wait for alarm to stop
Luckily my roommate wasn't home and none of my neighbors bothered me about it, cleaning the pot was a bitch though.

>>18181459
been there, fren
tried to saute habaneros in olive oil

instead made fucking crowd dispersal in my one bedroom apartment

>>18181461
>>18181553
>>18181631
Drunkards...is there anything worse? Pissing life away, losing your wits, and making a DAMN fool of yourself. Drop the bottle, pick up a book.

>>18181453
>When you're a metroid.

>>18181661
Most great authors were alcoholics, you teetotaling femboy.

>>18181661
meh, I use to be real bad when I lived there, I have since cut back a lot since moving out. I also stopped eating beans by themselves.

>>18181453
>my face
>my soul

>>18181453
Holy shit, now that's some Teutonic-Kosher fusion cuisine right there.

>>18181661
/ck/ is the fuckin drinking board cunt.

>>18181453
8 years old cooking ramen in microwave, at this age I'm tiny could barely reach the microwave without a chair. Thought I don't need, I got this one. Fumble the bowl around I spilled scalding hot water over my arm. Second degree burn still have a scar from it.

>>18181553
>In the bathroom shaving my mates head

>>18181453
>Be me
>be 9
>want to heat up soup
>soup is in fridge in metal pot with metal lid
>put whole metal pot and lid with soup in microwave
>lightening storm in microwave ensues
>dad comes in kitchen asking whats the smell
>point to lightening storm in microwave
>dad flips the fuck out
>I learn that metal does not go in the microwave.

>>18181661
just about finishing up my PhD while being a massive drunk and also a pretty good husband and father. i'm almost certainly smarter, better looking, and in better shape (aside from my liver) than you. i may hate myself, but i don't suck, so you can eat shit, Anon.

>>18181802
>alcoholic delusions

>>18181671
Yea when u gonna drop that novel lmao

probably funniest cope for alcoholism ive ever seen

>>18181802
Big if true

>>18181769
Where do you cut your hair? In the lounge?

>>18181671
What you meant to say was some authors were great IN SPITE OF being alcoholics

>>18181802
>Having such low self-esteem you need to defend yourself on an anonymous Slovakian gin subreddit

>>18181881
He probably thinks you should go to the hairdresser to shave your head bald like some sort of idiot who likes wasting money and time

>>18181661
While you were out reading, I was studying the bottle.

>>18181919
I'd rather pay a hairdresser a few bucks to get the job done right the first time

Oops! Accidentally made me some jew ashes!

>>18181661
cool bait poindexter

>be retarded kid
>want some hot chocolate
>put glass of milk in the microwave for a few minutes
>wait I forgot to put milk in the glass
>take hot as fuck glass out with an oven mitt
>oh well I’ll just pour in some milk and microwave it again
>pour the cold milk into the hot glass
>glass fucking explodes

>>18181453
Ashen one....

>>18181553
Sounds really gay man.
>1 guy comes to visit you for a weekend
>you start baking a pie for him and you
>give eachother haircuts
>both standing outside in the rain together alone

>>18182203
That's the English for you

>>18181916
>Slovakian gin
AKA Borovička

>>18182203
bongs have malformed ogre heads, they need a second "man" to shave it for them

>>18181553
>>Pour T sauce all over it and stand in the rain eating it with a couple forks
why didn't you eat it inside? smoke?

>>18181453
>even the bones are charcoal
We don't make mistakes, we just have happy accidents.

>>18181544
>Basement
>Mom
Kek

>>18182211
Well shit there IS a Slovakian gin

>>18182233
It was already outside

>>18182203
I cut my own hair, he's never used clippers before so it was easier for me to do it for him.

>>18182203
you can't omitt the part about the game. it's like saying "no homo" after french kissing your buddy

>>18182294
show proof you aren't a queer faggot

>be a stupid kid
>staying up late playing games or some shit
>decide to make late night snack
>read directions and times for oven
>put pizza rolls in microwave for 10+minutes
>smoke all over the house
>plate is completely black now
>family is awake now
>look like a fucking idiot and get in trouble

>>18182303

>>18182322
still not convinced AIDS maggot

>>18182325
Whatever you say you gay obsessed retard.

>>18181453
when I first got into cooking, it said
"1 clove of garlic"
I thought it meant one head of garlic

Made the most garlicy egg fried rice and stunk out the break room at work.
I ate 2 portions before i realised what went wrong

>>18181453
>be a dumbass noob who knows nothing of cooking
>decide I'm going to make some tempura >pour sunflower oil into a cast iron dutch oven with a thermometer on the stove
>turn on the heat then start prepping my meat and veggies
>turn around and see my thermometer is reading 405 and rising
>"Holy shit isn't the flashpoint of sunflower oil like 410 or something?" (that's actually the smoke point, not flashpoint, but I was a dumbass)
>take the cast iron dutch oven off the the hot burner
>temperature continues to rise rapidly
>oil starts to smoke
>temperature continues to rise
>panicking, I grab the ice tray from the freezer and try to cool down the oil . . .

>>18181928
You don't know how to shave?

>>18181661
You are going to kill yourself

>>18181661
>Drop the bottle, pick up a book
reading the wrong book is far more harmful than alcohol.
just look at russians.
they're much better on the booze than on the commie.

>>18182348
russians are genetically inferior to the rest of the western world when it comes to alcohol. Their genes make them far more likely to become addicted to alcohol

>>18181712
Shut up drunk, it's not a drinking board

>>18181881
Outside in the yard or backyard so I don't need to sweep up the hair

>>18182333
How the hell did you know the smoking point but did not know you shouldn't throw ice in hot oil?

>have to fry up some mince
>heat up pan
>pour some oil on it
>immediately catches on fire
>run outside with flaming pan in hand and throw it on the ground to put it out
that's how I learned you're supposed to put the oil on the pan before putting the heat on

>>18182481
What the fuck are you talking about? Heating the oil up with the pan is perfectly fine. Did you have water in there too? Did you throw everything in the pan then turn the heat up? What the fuck did you do that would cause the oil to splatter and ignite?

>be me
>try to make pick related but with Viennese Schnitzel
>ignite pan
>realize that a lot more oil is in there for frying stuff
>have to wait ages for it to burn out
>pan wrecked
>order pizza

>>18182487
I heated up the pan and only poured in the oil when the pan was already hot. can you read ?

>>18182487
not him but my mom used to warn me not to preheat my pan too much and then dump my oil in as it might catch fire. i'm less sure about it now that i've seen dozens of videos of people cranking their cast irons to 6 million degrees and then squirting oil on them with seemingly no issue

>>18182495
And that's not possible unless you spilled it over the side or had water or something in the pan causing it to go airborne and ignite.

>>18182495
do you realize how hot your pan must be for the oil to autoignite? you fucked up

>>18182501
>that's not possible
yeah it is. it practically exploded into flames too.
>>18182505
>you fucked up
I know, that's what this thread is about

>>18182511
The laws of thermodynamics do not work differently for you than everyone else. You did something you're not telling us.

>>18181453
I got a second degree burn on my foot. We were making food on several big camp stoves and my dumb ass managed to tip over one of the kettles (which, in all fairness, wasn't all that steady in the first place) and dump all the boiling water on my foot while wearing sandals.

>>18182513
which law of thermodynamics states that oil cannot ignite on a pan?

>>18182206
>>18182212
>mate
>ruggers
>mince and cheese pie
Wow, Anglos really do live rent free in the minds of mutts, because this guy was obviously a fuckin aussie

>be me
>want some fries
>mommy threw out the the deep frier for some stupid reason
>fuck it, put the oil in a pot and heat it up
>fucking forget about it after five seconds
>fire alarm is going off, the oil is boiling
>panick, push the pot of the stove before it starts to burn
>get the boiling oil all over my hand
Man that fucking hurt.

>>18181459
>first try at steak au poivre
>barely skimmed some recipes
>coarsly crack several fists full of black pepper and mummify the steaks with it
>toss them in ripping hot skillet
>the acrid spirits of shoah's past descend upon me
Somehow the steaks were still breddy gud, after I chiseled away the layer of carbonized death

>be 21, on my own for the first time.
>just learning how to cook.
>don't understand the difference between roast cuts and steak cuts, beef is beef.
>see chuck roast on sale, buy 2 lbs.
>barely sear it because I am big tough independent man and I eat my steak blue.
>begin eating and quickly realize a fork and knife are fucking useless here.
>spend the next six hours viciously gnawing on a cold 32 oz chunk of beef like some kinda fucking savage.
I'll be honest, there was something satisfyingly primal about just tearing into flesh, but it was a fucking ordeal. Didn't eat beef for maybe three months after, I was just sick of it by the end.

>>18182522
where do you think australians come from my man?

>look up chef john's rosemary cookie recipe
>woah rosemary in in cookies? that sounds radical
>measure my ingredients, combine, form squares
>after 5 minutes in the oven everything melts and merges together
>mfw i must have converted one of the ingredients wrong
it was good though. you could crack it into pieces and munch on it. it tasted better than the actual cookies i made later, which makes sense since it must have been like 50% or more butter

>try pan-frying a steak
>use a nonstick pan instead of a cast iron pan
>nonstick coating vaporizes
Thankfully I had the lid on so the toxic fumes were pretty much contained, but I think I ruined the pan.

>try to make soup broth with garlic and ginger
>need to simmer the broth so the flavors will leech out of the aromatics, but want to store in the fridge afterward to save it for the next day
>get big-brain idea
>mix the ingredients in a plastic container
>put the container in a saucepan with water, and boil the water
>edge of container touches the edge of the saucepan
>melts but thankfully not all the way through
Other than that I think it went pretty well.

>>18181453
>the "aerosolized pepper spray from trying to toast chilis" incident
>the "roommate got drunk and used the electric kettle on the stovetop until the bottom melted" incident
>the "used a stockpot that a friend had thrown up into at a party without cleaning it after and I didn't look first" incident
>the "ate a part of a setpiece for a television show" incident
>the "forgot to turn off the (at the time electric coil) stove so when I went into the kitchen after eating the whole stovetop was red hot" incident
>the "molten off fingertips from gripping cast iron out of the oven" incident
>the "holy fuck I think that was the tip of my finger" incident when learning to use sharp knives
>the "roommate put my first decent knife into the sink, then dishwasher" incident
>the "after interviewing a star television cook I puked all over the table in his restaurant" incident
>that phase as a kid where I was convinced microwaving frozen pizza was not deranged behavior
Fun times.

>>18181507
you've never cremated your pet boiled chicken?

>>18182780
>>the "ate a part of a setpiece for a television show" incident
Quick rundown?

>>18183002
Sure. My father worked in television and they had a episode that was supposed to show how different foods spoil and how many preservatives are in a lot of processed foods. To do so they had a experiment where they had a lot of food, together with each a replica food that looked like normal food but wasn't (and wouldn't spoil). Then they'd leave each together and film it so you had a visual reference for how it used to look or something.
I was a kid and all I knew was that there was food on our kitchen table, among the work stuff of my father, so I bit into one (it was one of the replicas). Tasted like plastic and foam, probably because it was, and I spit it out again. First didn't tell my father and it almost fucked up one of the scenes, but a cameraman caught it and they rotated the replica food so my bite wasn't visible anymore.

>>18181544
This you?

>>18181661
reading the bible makes me drink more.

>>18181453
My worst was when I was about 6 and home alone. I put some microwave bao in but I didn't realise they had a piece of plastic (not paper??) under each bun. They were supposed to take 8 minutes or so but our microwave was shit so I put them in for 13 minutes. When I went to check on them the whole kitchen was engulfed in this totally still black smog that no joke, had visibility like this. Useless fucking smoke alarm didn't even go off until after I opened the doors and started fanning the house out. I coughed up blood after this and probably should have been taken to the hospital because I felt sick for like a week afterwards

>>18182351
Cause they're mongoloid rape babies

>Cooking pork butt on the smoker
>Run out of charcoal with a couple hours left to cook so move it to my gas grill to finish
>Rip foil wrap in the process and didn't notice it was dripping a lot of fat
>Fire up grill a couple days later and throw on some ribeyes
>Drippings catch fire and spreads to the huge pool of pork fat I didn't realize at the time was in the drip pan
>Absolutely massive grill fire erupts, flames several feet high. Smells really good though
>Burns for a couple minutes while I run inside to grab some baking soda
>Fire goes out quickly but $60 worth of steak ruined and one of the grill burners no longer works

>>18182327
based

yum my favorite silver bones

I accidentally left the lid to my grill ajar. The coals burned hot. Just did this today

Thought the sink was full of soap water when it was actually dirty pinesol water because my dad was mopping. Ended up washing plates in it and damn near poisoned us all the next morning

>>18181453
It's raw!

>>18181453
what in the FUCK happened to that duck?

>>18183597
Cremation.
Also the Holocaust is fake.

>>18181812
fucking kek

>>18183553
kek'd

>>18183530
is the meat inside still good tho??

>>18183625
Yep. I got it out in time. Just a smidge overcooked in some places. I'llake some sauce to compensate

>>18181661
This anon is posting from a portal from the 1910s.

>>18181453
me on the right

>>18182333
>take the cast iron dutch oven off the the hot burner
>temperature continues to rise rapidly
And you didn’t realize that the thermometer is just lagging behind?

>>18181453
When I was running entremetier at a restaurant some years ago we had a deep-fried garnish that came from my station but no deep fryer as it wasn't all that common that we did this. No problem, had a pot on the stove with a thermometer attached.
Problem was this means I lose one of the six burners. I had the brilliant idea that since I needed to keep the oil at 350f and my oven was at the same temp, I would keep the oil in the oven and just bring it up to a burner when I needed it.
This worked for about a week until a clumsy cook that we were training tripped and hit the stove to catch his balance, knocking over the oil. Holy shit, the fire was huge. Not my finest moment.

>first time making pizza from scratch
>make the dough
>yeast didn't bloom
>don't care
>mix together dough
>shit isn't rising
>wait a while
>give up
>throw dough in garbage can
>try making new dough
>throw something away
>dough in garbage has risen
>feel stupid
it's very minor but it still bothered me a lot.

I tried to cook lentils and didn't realise how much water they soaked up. I left the room, my pan instantly boiled dry and when I came back the lentil mass had welded itself in one concrete block to my pan

People unironically immolate themselves passing out drunk with shit in the oven or a cigarette lit

Its too bad we will never hear from the anons it happens to

>>18183530
based spatchcock ignorer
I but that bitch on and forget about it for at least an hour

>Grab 4 pack of 16 oz 9% beers
>Buy 15 lbs of onions
>Drink first beer 6 hours after lunch
>Cut 10 lbs of onions
>Drink second beer
>Finish cutting 5 lbs of onions
>Drink 3rd beer
>Onions on stove reducing
>Tipsy me cracks the 4th telling myself "I have an hour till those onions need to be stirred, might as well get baked and have some fun"
>2 Pulls off a marijuana vape pen
>INSTANTLY ACQUIRE SPINS
>NAUSEUS
>GO TO BATHROOM AND LAY ON THE FLOOR
>Every time I try to sit up I get spins
>Fiance calls me, don't want to humiliate myself
>Realize I don't know how long I've been down on the floor
>THE ONIONS
>Spend 5 minutes rallying, go to check onions
>Begin to stir pot, seems to be no resistance
>Onions on top look perfectly caramelized
>Sheet of reduced charred onions immediately incoporates into the rest
>What could have been an incredible soup becomes only great with acrid nuggets I do my best to eat around

>>18181802
>a massive drunk and also a pretty good husband and father
Your children hate you. Trust me.

I was still pretty inexperienced but probably knew better. gave myself salmonella after roasting a chicken that was thawed on the outside but frozen on the inside. I noticed it was frozen on the inside before I cooked it. I was too inflexible to change my dinner plans to give it a day or two to thaw. in the oven it goes. a couple hours later it comes out. looks done! and it was perfectly safe and well cooked on the outsode. inside was pink and well inside the danger zone. I think a lot of things could have been done differently to avoid this outcome, but eating around the pink was probably the stupidest thing I'd ever done in my adult life.

>>18181453
>spill entire bottle of vinegar
>used chlorox bleach spray
>made chlorine gas

>>18181453
forgot i was simmering beans on the stove. we left, came back to the house completely full of smoke. the beans had completely burned, they weren't even smoking any more. It honestly fucked our lives up--it made our house smell like smoke for months,

>>18182203
Tbh sounds like a lockdown story from back when barbers were shut

>>18183864
I have what my family calls an oven sense. I know when to check on things. I don't use timers.

>>18184220
You have a well temporally-developed subconscious

>>18181544
>>18181744
>>18181783
>>18181943
>>18182311
>>18182780
>>18183078
>>18183474
>>18183553
Whelp, this thread has definitely reinforced my decision to never have kids. Holy shit kids are retards.

>>18182348
>Implying they had to choose

>what "rarefags" think welldone meat looks like

>>18184263
they still lived to tell the tale on here, so i'd say things worked out, even with life's speedbumps.

>>18184263
>children make mistakes
>Lol fuck kids
The only retard is you
you need to go back

>>18181453
> Dinner at a friends house
> Every guest is expected to make a dish
> Spent hours making a traditional beef stew
> Running late, ao want to cool it rapidly because I have to transport it
> Get the amazing idea to float the pan with stew in a bucket of cold water to cool it
> Put pan in bucker, it floats okay, but due to bobbing of the pan on the surface of the water, the contents of the pan shifts
> Pan sideways in bucket
> Stew is now a diluted soup in a bucket normally used for cleaning
> Mfw

>>18181544
not as bad as this one, but I forgot to add water to my oats when making oatmeal once. also quiclky back to the battlestation, lol. three minutes later it smells a bit, probably caught fire in there and put itself out. there was just some sot and burnt oats, pretty easy to wash out but my microwave smelled like shit for a month or two

>>18181453
>really fucking drunk cooking something in the pan on the stove
>should be hot by now
>fuck it let's try the back burner
>place is a fucking mess, so I tend to put my plates on burners
>plate is hot ceramic burning my skin that I had already lifted and switched with the pan
>wrong fucking burner was on
Those three digits don't really feel for shit and I haven't worked in a kitchen in a year and a half.
Overnight nachos are a rite of passage and if that's the worst you've done, count your blessings and make sure your smoke alarm works.

>>18182351
Has nothing to do with the govt making it illegal to make your own vodka, then opening plants to make the shit cheaper and sell it to the masses. The wildest part is a 1 liter bottle of vodka didn't have a resealable top, they just assumed you were gonna down the whole thing it one sitting.

>>18182212
Pretty sure he's Australian.

>Drunk anons in this thread burn the fuck out of their food
That's why the oven/stovetop are strictly off-limits for me if I get smashed. I just grab a block of shitty hard industrial mozz (the one for supercheap storebrand frozen pizzas) and munch on it. I always keep at least one in the fridge.
I have vivid memories of the old man regularly setting shit on fire on the stovetop when sauced up.

Maybe a few tiny frying burns, other than that, nothing. My sister "burned" water once. She puts water on to boil, forgets about it, and I arrive home to a smoking pot. She's older than me.

>>18181511
Fuck Chris

>>18183553
Do you not rinse dishes after you wash them?

>>18185041
>rinsing plates cleans things off them
There's a reason dishwashers, or 3 compartment sinks; 1 for soap, one for water, and one for multichemical sanitizer is required in businesses.

>>18185083
ESL or just intentionally obtuse?
>rinse dishes after you wash
>after you wash
>after
You rinse with clean water after scrubbing with soap (or pinesol as the case may be).

>>18181453
When I was a kid I made french fries and after I was finished I decided to throw some ice cubes in the hot oil to cool it down quickly

Not me but my coked up stepmom once buttered her bread before putting it in the toaster. The whole house smelled of ‘burnt’ for weeks
I wanted to fuck her so bad

>>18182203
>>18182303
>>18182295
>>18184058
>americans dont have friends

>>18185162
Loneliness is an epidemic to young men in the US. They have been sheltered for so long that they think friendly gestures are expressions of homosexuality.

>>18183504
> be me, earlier this summer at a family funtion
> dad grilling
>im drinking beer and watching wood bees eat the retard homeowners unfinished deck
>chicken done, dad goes to get the steak
>grill starts to smoke
Suspicion.exe
>keep watching, note in my head it's going to flame before he gets back
>don't care not my shitty gill and deck
>chernobyl levels of black smoke pouring out of this grill
>people looking at me like they are telepathically trying to make me do something as I'm the closest
>alas I am not the chef
Flames.gif
>other guests begin mooing in near panic
>dad nonchalantly ignores the flames and grills the steak
Breddy gud steak desu, not sure what they were on about

>>18184484
Should've just put it in the sink

>>18184753
Honey, the microwave is for when you're drunk. You don't have to eat a block of cheese like a caveman.

I just freaked out reading this thread and went to check my oven and stovetop. Everything was fine.

>>18183899
easier to use the oven to caramelize that many onions for french onion soup. chef john has a video on it

>>18182322
I had the cutest twinkiest little coworker you can imagine but he grew hair quickly and densely. I swear that boy was fucking Italian. Must have spent a fortune on wax

>>18184263
>so little self-confidence he cannot see himself raising better kids than boomer spawn

>>18182481
There was water in that pan or you're leaving something out

>>18181661
>not being able to drink and read
I bet you can’t read while in a moving vehicle either, pussy.

>>18181812
I’ve written fetish porn for money. Stuffing and fat fetish porn. I wrote it drunk, drank the profits. So nyeh.

>>18183790
KEK this made my night thank you anon

>>18181453
Really early into cooking when most people start with a fried egg. Filet of salmon. Didn't even bother to scale it. Ended up simultaneously burnt and raw. Smoked up the entire house. The taste of warm gooey salmon skin lingered in my soul for a week.

>>18181511
My favorite meal. Bread left to stew overnight, minus the stew.

>>18186146
post

>play around with my pet hamster when I'm 7
>mom is cooking meat using a meat grinder
>leaves the kitchen for a phone call
>watched some edgy shit like SAW and pretend to play around with the hamster and the meat grinder
>turn it on and start dangling the little shit over it
>he gets enough of my shit and bites me
>I drop him into the grinder
>shit goes through him so fast he doesn't even make a squeak
>now my hamster is in the bowl with the rest of the meat
>try to cover it up by mixing everything until nobody notices
>mom tastes the meat for salt, then notices chunks of fur, blood and bones in the bowl
>I realize that I will get caught so I admit to her what happened
>she vomits into the kitchen sink, not even able to answer or get to the bathroom
>get fucking destroyed by my gorilla dad
>never get pets afterwards
Never cared for the pets though, the hamster was more of a gift, never asked for him

>highschool me
>mom somehow presumes I have a short day of classes
>puts beef on a low flame to slow cook
>decides to go to fucking bed thinking that I will be home in 10 minutes to take over for whatever fucking reason
>2 hours later I come home
>entire floor is blue of smoke
>burning in the pan
>dog is freaking out like wtf
>I yell for mom cause wtf
>she was still in bed sleeping, didn't hear or smell a thing

That's probably her worst cause of the usual cookingstyle she has aka put something on and watch tv, come back in 15min or tell someone else to do it for her.

>>18186349
nigga

>>18182780
People like you wouldn’t have survived in the olden days.

>>18186441
It was funny as shit though. Especially mom puking. I wasn't even upset, I found it hilarious

>>18186544
Thanks for the epic greentext my fellow re-I mean 4chan user

>>18182481
The pan would have to literally be glowing hot for that to happen, you're not telling us something

>be me
>learning how to cook with the interactive recipe book for the Nintendo DS
>apple crumble recipe
>follow it to the letter
>be ignorant about pirex and other heat resistant materials
>put everything in a glass dish
>180°C
>mom has to remove the destroyed glass pieces from the oven after letting it cool
>still ate most of the crumble

>>18186407
Is your mother suicidal?

i fucked up boiling water once

>>18186535
I am well aware.

>>18186778
don't worry, the russians do that all the time

>>18184263
coping cuckold

>>18184263
ok cat man

>>18182513
He's clearly an idiot who probably turned his stove on it's hottest setting and let the pan get just as hot. What he's describing is possible in theory, it's just incredibly rare because you'd have to a massive idiot to let it get that hot.

>>18181453
Honestly? Exactly the same thinv that happened in OPs pick but without the chicken. Now the whole bottom has this weird bluish charred burnmark and since it won't come off easily I just ignore that pot.

>>18183474
>Useless fucking smoke alarm didn't even go off
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DuAeaIcAXtg

>Overwhelming majority of posts start with the poster being a child or drunk
And that's why we don't drink and drive.

>>18184263
And a toast to you fellow r/childfree scholar

>>18181802
Dude your children know. If you love them be better than that.

>>18184263
Yes holy shit kids are retards, imagine that, they don't know about thermodynamics and chemistry the moment they're shat out and therefore have to learn (lol) what to NOT do in a kitchen, wtf, such idiots.

So here's mine, shockingly not terrible for as long as I've been cooking
>in my teens about to make some chicken
>have frozen hot peppers from the summer in the freezer and want it spicy
>put a good amount of oil in the pan, get it nice and hot
>throw a big handful of peppers in
>kitchen instantly fills with fumes
>coughing uncontrollably, can't see because my eyes are so full of tears
>skin starts feeling like it's burning all over
>5 seconds maybe has gone by, feels like 5 hours
>quickly turn heat down, throw chicken in and stumble outside
>20 minutes later burning has stopped, air in the kitchen is clear
>result was delicious, tear gas chicken was born that day

when i completely missed a recipe's steak marinade as being meant for 6 steaks, it made so much marinade but i only wanted 1 steak.
then i doubled down on the tard by believing every recipe that says medium high heat means 7 out of a max of 9 on the dial. my house filled so thick with smoke i could barely see, had to open every window and hope nobody called the fire dept on me.

I made gluten free sweet potato gnocchi for a friend and it turned out fantastic. A few months later I was visiting family and we were cooking together. One person was also gluten free so I thought I’d be kind and make that tasty pasta. Problem is, I used gluten free bisquick the first time, this time I just used gluten free flour…

After boiling the gnocchi was suspiciously soft but I pressed on and pan fried them. They of course all got stuck together into a gummy mass which I shamefully had to present at the dinner table. My gran with only 6 teeth enjoyed it at least.

>>18184753
Just order a pizza dude

>>18181802
post body and thesis

>>18186349
sociopath

>>18181453
So one time I was cooking ramen. Somehow it boiled over quite violently. It spilled onto those aluminum guards you place around the burners so you can just throw em away when they get dirty. And the aluminum legit disintegrated.
It didn't melt, it was just gone. The stove top was fine though, just that aluminum guard.

>>18184263
You post on 4chan, you were never having kids.

>>18186349
Now I don't mean to profile, but are you white?

worst i've had was making bbq pulled pork and forgetting about it. Not a huge disaster as majority was salvageable but was a pain to clean the pot.

>>18183078
how about the other one?
>the "after interviewing a star television cook I puked all over the table in his restaurant" incident

>>18181802
no one would ever lie on the internet.

>>18188115
Also happened when I was a kid. I was semi active in our schools student paper, and the new issue didn't have any interesting story.
The father of a friend of mine used to go to the same culinary school as one of the most popular tv cooks in my country, and that friend was also active in the paper, so we reached out for a interview. He was nice about it and invited us to his restaurant for a meal during a time where he wasn't filming and offered us a interview after.
When I was young I had a issue where when I got nervous I would get sick, sometimes when we had something at school I wasn't looking forward to I'd get nauseous, vomit on my way to school, then either wash my mouth and go anyways, or get excused for being sick. I usually felt fine after, no idea what caused it, so my guess is nerves or something.
Anyways, we went to that restaurant, had the entree (I had a cold seafood platter), a first course, then we had a short time for the interview in a adjacent room to the main restaurant with him. He was super nice to us, answered our questions and I even got a signed copy of one of his books. After getting our interview we went back to the restaurant and had the next course. Somewhere between that third course and the dessert I got ultra nauseous again, probably a combination of anxiety and it getting late. I tried to hold it in because it was embarassing, but it only got worse. When I finally decided to go to the bathroom it was too late and when I stood up I projectile vomited all over the table, to the horror of most people there. I was very ashamed of it honestly, but the waiters were nice about it and cleaned it up.
I also distinctly remember going through the restaurant shortly before our reservated timeslot and hearing that tv cook absolutely shit on a cook (my guess is an apprentice) in the kitchen through a window for overcooking fish.

>>18181802
They may be kids but they know how fucked you get, that's a sad sight. You wouldn't know you fatherless retard, lower your consumption or quit entirely

>>18181802
you're probably a terrible father and worse husband and in absolute denial. wake the fuck up, narc cunt

>A hair cut and someone calling kids stupid completely derails the thread and triggers the man children
Sure is Reddir up in here

>>18181744
wait... a friend of mines daughter did this to herself... are you her?

>>18188759
Yes. I've always had a crush on you if you're who I think.

>>18185162
kinda true. most of them will take advantage of you or bang your lady.

>>18182481
You're supposed to warm the pan before adding oil.

>>18186349
Holy shit your poor mom

>>18184263
>reinforced my decision to never have kids
>my decision

>>18181661
Am I the only one who read this as some old timey southern Baptist-type yelling at you?

>>18187553
I don't get it, what happened?

>>18188759
>>18188772
Aww how sweet

one time i had an electric stovetop element short and make an arc like a welder, had a spot in my vision for the rest of the day.

>>18181544
How do you forget the 1 step???

>>18190571
Forgot.

>>18182468
Some article I read about the best oil to use for deep frying talked about smoke points and flash points, but not basic safety tips any dumbass should have known.

>>18190734
it's called natural selection

>>18181661
Hvilþu ha mjøð?

>>18182322
lame hair growth fag

>>18181712
Yes, and /r9k/ is the alcoholism board.
But the critical mass of self-loathing there means some anons will seek any other board to talk about it.

>>18190734
bruh why did they just stare at it for 40 seconds

>>18182589
China

>Be idiot kid
>Want a glass of water
>Grab glass and chunk of ice from freezer
>Try to press the ice into the glass instead of melt it with water because I was dumb
>Glass breaks and slices my index finger open
>Didn't go to hospital or anything just cleaned it with water and alcohol and wrap it up
>Went back to my room with water in a plastic cup

>>18181553
>>In the bathroom shaving my mates head
You mean knobbing off his cock, right?

>>18181453
a couple nights ago i tried to do a beef roast in a ton of butter

>>18190898
>a man
It was a lawyer. That's why we didn't care.

>>18182589
prison

>>18187318
Interesting, still I think it might have been more my parents didn't change the battery.

>>18187318
Wait I got further in, probably means it was an ionisation smoke alarm. JFC that's scary

>>18185129
>I wanted to fuck her so bad

>>18185129
Your old man wouldn't let you tag team her?

>>18181461
Back when I used to drink I did that exactly one time. Fell asleep at like 1am browning hamburger. Woke up to it completely carbonized with this incredibly foul-smelling oil remaining. Took weeks for the smell to dissipate completely, and I had to replace everything the oil touched.

God knows how much turbocancer I gave myself with those fumes. Smelled like some kind of petroleum fire

Had to dig this picture up, this is from when I first moved out and was first learning how to cook for myself. When I tried to put black pepper in the top of my grinder came off and all of the peppercorns fell into the pan. Was an absolute bitch to clean up, and stepping on a peppercorn is like stepping on a lego.

>>18185041
I'm a heterosexual male.

>>18191133
fellas is it gay to not eat soap every time you use a plate

>>18181453
>move to apartment by myself when I was really young
>get drunk and decide to make hash browns
>time_travel.exe
>wake up to alarm going off and thick smoke
>hash brown has literally become charcoal on the stove
>don't even remember putting it on and have no idea what's happening
>house and clothes smell like smoke permanently
>move out of apartment and accept that I can't be left alone

>>18190795
caveman brain

>>18186349
gorilla dad didnt finish the job given you are still alive

>be me uni student living in apartment
>cooking tea one night
>smell something faintly acrid
>wtf.jpeg
>wasn't coming from my kitchen
>think nothing else of it
>wake up next morning to furious banging at my door
>neighbour is in tears begging me to come over
>their apartment smells like the ovens of auschwitz and the remnants of the carbonised chosen ones
>fucking idiot stuck her laptop on the stove, turned it on, forgot about it and went to bed
>laptop was completely melted and baked onto the stove, only thing stopping it from exploding was the battery not being on the hotspot

>>18190981
>>18190984
Yeah they're pretty shit unless used in an area where you expect immediate ignition.

>>18181453
one time i completely forgot i was boiling eggs. I was on the attic just minding my business and suddenly there was smoke in my room. I rushed downstairs and the complete house was full of smoke, all water was gone, the eggs were completely black and the pan was semi ruined

>>18191295
I've got one in my 3d printers closet, but yeah I might change out my wired ones for the other type now

>>18186349
See this is what I mean. Kids are retarded and you're better off not having them.

>>18182322
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bear_(gay_culture)
Nice try, Booboo

>>18182539
>>the acrid spirits of shoah's past descend upon me

>>18188772
Does your name end with an L?

>>18186349
this greentext is so KEK lol!!! many updoots will be had on my favorite subreddit

>>18191289
>neighbour is in tears begging me to come over
but why

>>18181453
Piss off bitch, what are yours?
I'm not doing your research for you, you lazy sack of shit.

2 in particular.

1) Recently tried to make chicken Alfredo for a party of 12 people. While I was making the Alfredo sauce, it got too hot and precipitated.
Got super fucking mad about that.
2) Started boiling some eggs while I was drunk, got distracted and took a nap. Woke up to the sound of gunshots. Turns out all the water boiled away while I was sleeping, and the eggs exploded. That was fun to clean up.

>>18191751
To see the problem

>>18191789
You will put on these glasses and eat the bugs

>>18181453
>be 9 Y.O
>Guests coming into our home
>Mom told me to make them drink
>have no idea how to make tea or coffee
>try something new
>mix ketchup and sweet soy sauce
>serve the drinks to the guests
>one of the guests drink it
>they tried to be friendly and said "I think we need to see your mom, we don't need to drink anymore, we're good"
>guests are finally gone
> I got the most vicious and nasties whooping in my life because my mom beat me and simultaneously made me drink the "drink".

I still genuinely don't know how it tastes.

>19 years old and living on my own for uni
>i was admittedly spoiled as my mother and father cooked all my meals for me up to this point
>make spaghetti
>set the noodles on fire
>try to fry some chicken
>under cook it and have wicked stomach bug for 2 days afterwards
>make eggs for breakfast
>while trying to flip an omelette, it misses the pan and goes all over the stovetop
I should have listened to my parents when they tried to encourage me into cooking when I was much younger. It's a miracle I'm now in my 30s and can cook fine now.

If this thread has taught us anything it's to
>A. Supervise your kids
and
>B. Never cook drunk

I got one.
Decided to cook some chicken wings. I usually slightly boil my wings before I fry them. I got super drunk btw....anyway. I was playing video games while my wings boiled and the oil to deep fry them heated up next to it.....im sure you can see where this is going.
I lost track of time and when I go out to my kitchen theres a gigantic fucking fire on my stove. It was winter time.....ive been using the same jacket for years, never washed it, i usuually wear it when i do snow removal so its just covered with 'salt'....it was DRY as fuck.
im not sure what kinda material it was made of....all I could think of was to cover it really fast then run out and throw it out my sliding glass door. As im running to the door my jacket just BURSTS into flames, small chunks of melted jacket are spraying in my face and running down my hands and on my carpet.

yeah, my entire hood/vent and stove had to be replaced, and kitchen painted.
I looked like a fucking crack head for about 2 weeks with all these sores from the burned jacket all over my face and hands.

>>18191126
That's unfortunate.

>>18191620
kek

>>18181511
fuck chris, you needed dave, he's pro at cooking

>>18181453
Not really cooking related but
>Mom decides to clean the kitchen
>She accidentally hits one of the buttons on the oven while cleaning it and it starts cooking
>30 minutes later hear the smoke alarm go off and she is panicking
>Oven was used for storage and had some plastic and pyrex containers with rubber lids
>Also had a unused stand with the paper still on it that combusted
>Come back after everything cooled off and the containers were either shattered or melted and went into the openings inside the over
>Had to spend an entire day taking apart everything and clean it
>Mom is now banned from touching the oven

>>18192703
>>Mom is now banned from touching the oven
kek

>>18192703
>Oven was used for storage
this seems like an 'everyone was at fault' kind of situation

>>18192785
You know it's only one person who was doing that. You also know it was the woman. Logic defies them.

>>18181453
Was making Chilaquiles with a Mexican friend. I think it was technically a project or some shit for his advanced spanish class back in highschool. Had a paper towel close to the stove burner, it caught on fire. Put it out in the sink quickly, but still that was way to close.

>>18192793
I use my oven for storage, but it is broken.

>>18184263
You don't have a womb and you'll never be a woman

>>18192840

>>18186544
Ever had a formal diagnosis of sociopathy?

>college
>only drinking tea because I'm too lazy and cheap to get bottled water but too dignified to drink straight from the tap
>making tea one day while shitposting
>oh shit gotta go to class
>come back 10 hours later
>stove is still on, pot is hot red and ashy black inside, no trace of water or leaves
>cool it down, scrubbed the fuck of it, over and over
>keep using the same pot for probably like 6 months because it's the only good one even though water feels weird in it and I'm probably drinking metal

>>18191751
>stuck her laptop
>her
key part. female did something and now she requires immediate attention and sympathy from random people. probably posted it on all her social media too

>>18188891
He sautéed super hot peppers at way too high of a heat. I've done it before. Fills the room and you can't even breathe

>>18181453
Not me, but an ex-girlfriend I lived with.

>bitch can't cook for shit
>I have to do all the cooking
>this is fine as I enjoy cooking, especially cooking for other people
>but I'm working 12 hour shifts at the time, 5-7 days a week as needed
>despite my cooking being damn good and there always being leftovers in the fridge she still sometimes makes convenience foods like Ramen while I'm at work and not there to do it for her
>bitch cannot boil water with out burning it
>literally
>every time she decided to make something she ruined the pan, the pot, or the stove
>on break at work one day
>check my phone
>a few voicemails from hours ago
>first one is our apartment company telling me that our apartment is on fire and that the FD is on their way
>second is from her and it begins with "Don't be mad at me, but..."

As for myself, one time I was really high and drunk and I tried to take the pizza rolls out of the oven with a paper towel instead of an oven mitt. I ended up panicking and throwing the cookie sheet, Totino's and all, through the window and screaming so loud the neighbor called the cops.

>Drunk
>Feel like eating egg salad
>Boil up some water add 6 eggs
>Sit down at PC to play some games and keep drinking
>Zone out and forget about eggs
>40 minutes goes by and start hearing popping noises
>Ignore it thinking it's neighbors
>Finally get hit with burning egg smell
>Go into the kitchen and find burnt egg bits plastered everywhere
>Start to clean up, burp as I'm bending over and puke
>House smells fucking awful for the guests coming the next day

Bonus:
>Want pizza rolls
>Pre-heat oven
>Start to smell burning cardboard
>Open oven and find forgotten pizza boxes inside

>>18193728
>water feels weird in it
?

>>18181661
I drink a litre of gin a day and still maintain my job as a head chef at a tapas and meze bar. I will likely be dead within the decade but I'm proof it's possible to be a functional alcoholic.

>making caramel to go with some dessert I made for a party (don't even remember anymore, I was 12-13 when this happened)
>having people over so also cooking dinner
>I'm pretty frazzled trying to juggle everything
>caramel perfect but dumbass me forgot to have container ready
>grab tupperware and dump it in without thinking
>turn around and finishing up dinner
>hear weird hissing sound
>caramel melted the tupperware and slowly spreading and hardening on the counter
>now inedible and had to use a paint scraper to get it off the counter
all things considered I could've done worse, especially judging by this thread, but my mom still occasionally busts me over it.

>>18181453
Texas Roadhouse cook, I dropped a whole pan of ribs my second day of work.

>>18181453
>I think I was like 13
>No idea how to cook
>Cooking chicken breast in pan thats too hot
>"Hmmm, food needs spices to taste good"
>Dumb a random amount of paprika, tumeric and cinamon into pan
>Immediatly begin to cough my lungs up because I put powdered spice into a hot pan
>Eyes begin to water
>Immedatly take off heat and open windows
>Everyone in house is coughing for the next few hours
>Chicken tasted horrible but was suprislingly well cooked
This nearly had me swear off cooking

>>18191833
What the fuck did she expect, martinis? Psycho mom, I hope you're doing well.

>>18193999
Related to op and your comment.
A liter of gin was my go to after every workday. I would get smashed and cook something usually a soup or stew because in my wisdom it seemed low risk. I was making chicken stock and woke up 5am to my house filled with smoke and the Hebraic remnants of a chicken carcass in my stock pot. My house still smells like smoke

>>18182539
>the acrid spirits of shoah's past descend upon me
good line

>>18182635
Kek. My sister did this making rice crispy treats for our family one time, if i remember correctly she added like 6 cups of butter and they were egregious, we all ate them, reminding her after every bite how damn rich and runny it was. Still an ongoing joke In the family when she cooks

>>18185202
Like father, like son. And you're a pretty shitty son.

>>18186776
No. I think shes an low key alchohol.

>>18194820
She a driver too?

>>18181453
Nothing major thankfully
>tiny student apartment with a tiny kitchen
>want to cook lasagna, preheat oven while I cook the sauces
>almost done, move on to assembly
>smell something foul, confused for a second
>suddenly remember I had put a plastic bowl along with a pan in the oven to have space for cleaning the kitchen
>put on oven mitts and get that shit out, hit by a wave of noxious fumes burning my nose hairs away
>plastic bowl partly melted on bottom and on one side where the side of the pan touched it
Surprisingly I could keep the bowl, cut away some of the melted parts of the bottom so it would be flat again and the side melted into a spout
Had to toss the pan though, couldnt get all of the plastic out

a friend of my dad's tossed a frozen pizza in the oven without taking the cardboard off and almost burned it all down

I was smoking a deer ham. They're really lean so I had some beef fat trimmings I was going to render down and inject into it so I put them in a metal bowl on the smoker next to it. It wasn't melting like I wanted, so so stuffed it in a coffee cup and put it in the microwave. I came back to a black nasty crustiness poofing smoke out like a volcano.

>>18182494
Why can't you just scope some oil out?

>>18195352
scoop out burning oil? doesn't sound like a very good idea. where does he even put it?

>making rice in a pot
>chill on the couch in the other room
>15 minutes later go check on the rice
>stare at the lump of charcoal in the pot that was once rice
>realize I never turned the heat down when the water started boiling, causing it to evaporate
>mfw
>spend the next hour chipping and scraping out a mass of burnt rice of the pot with a flat head screwdriver and steel wool

>>18181453
>Have some few days old cooked chicken breast in my fridge
>Decide to heat it up in the microwave
>Forgot to add water
>Chicken turns into literal rocks
>nothing else edible in my fridge

my mom tried to make biscuits in the microwave once. they were hard as a rock. i made a joke about painting them green and putting them on dad's train set. we teased her about those things for 30 years.

>>18196625
Why didn't you tease your father for being an adult with a train set?

>be me
>9
>want hot chocolate
>scared to used the stove
>have brilliant idea
>fill metal stovetop kettle with water
>put entire metal kettle into microwave
>feel so smart
>microwave explodes
And that's how I learn not to put metal in a microwave.

>>18196629
because i was a kid and all my friends loved it because it took up five 4x8 sheets of plywood every year.

>be about 10 years old
>mom made jelly
>want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich
>don't want to bother mom
>spread peanut butter on a slice of bread
>climb onto the counter and try to spoon some jelly onto a sandwich
>the whole 10-quart pot of jelly tips over
Never managed to live that one down

3 that standout to me
>7 or 8 year old me
>want cup-o-noodle
>microwave it for fuck knows how long
>take boiling hot noodle cup into room and plop down on reclining chair
>chair rocks back boiling water spills all over my leg
>still have a quarter sized scar on leg

>around same age, want hot chocolate
>see fancy glass that look like wine glass my mother would use for deserts
>fill thin as fuck wine glass with water and boil in microwave for a few minutes
>take glass out of microwave and put cold spoon in glass, second it touched the glass the side exploded

and last
>few years ago at my mothers
>she asked me to make her some homemade deep fryed french fries
>everything goes to plan, when i'm finished frying she tells me to save the oil in tupperware container on the counter so she can dispose of it later.
>not thinking i pour hot oil into the tupperware container which disintegrated the container instantly
>spent the next 40 minutes cleaning that mess

>>18181661
FATHER I CANNOT CLICK THE BOOK

>be about 3, maybe 4
>dad pours me a glass of milk
>i decide to be a big boy
>grab the cup with one hand this time
>dad sees and tells me to be careful
>the cup slips right out of my hand
>milk all over the floor
>dad is annoyed
>im crying
>get a new glass of milk
>we watched a movie
was a good night

>>18195663
Place lid on pan to put out the fire. That or cool off the oil fire by adding something cold, like ice.

>>18196629
Fuck you trains are cool

>>18196999
How do people remember things this young? O
I only really start remembering things around 7

>Be five
>Read picture book about farm animals at school
>Conclude that cows have multiple, funny looking penises and that cow's milk is just cow peepee
>Start telling all my classmates
>Teacher tells me I'm wrong and to stop. Refuses to explain further
>Lunch time comes around
>Tell my milk=peepee hypothesis to all the other kids sitting at the table with me
>All the other kids join me in refusing to drink milk
>Get sentenced to eating at the punishment table for the rest of the week. Teachers still refuse to explain anything
>"God why are adults so stupid. Milk is obviously peepee. I know! I'll prove it to them!"
>At home, I take a plastic bottle of chocolate milk, pour out the milk, and fill it with piss and chocolate syrup
>Leave it on the teachers desk the next day
>The day after that, recess is cancelled for our class and we all have to listen to a lecture from the Principle explaining that no, milk is not urine

>cat diet nosed with epilepsy
>has liquid phenobarbital now
>always drips when loading syringe
>all over island in kitchen
>tell self will clean but no napkins and fat fuck
>eat din din one day
>everyone feeling off
>see cooking space is on island
>knucklesohno.mp3
>dad floured surface to roll out tortillas
>no one goes to er or dr because american dream
>mfw dad and I accidentally drugged our household

>>18197252
>diet nosed

>>18191592
>eats 20 chickens a year but killing a hamster is grounds for not having children

>>18197155

>>18196728
what clown country do you live in that necessitates buying jelly in quantities of 2 and a half fucking gallons at once?

>>18181544
at least your misfortune gave me a good belly laugh

>>18197517
They/them didn't buy/purchase the jelly. They/them made/produced it.

>>18197058
my earliest memories started around 2. when you're an only child with split parents things stick out more i guess.

>>18197290
Straw man

>>18197574
She did. His mom made it. She

>>18197155
big kek

>just moved to my new apartment
>decide to cook a pot roast with chopped potatoes and onions for my first meal
>chop up potatoes and onions, place them in the pan alongside the roast, and put it all in the oven at 375 for 1 1/2 hours
>roast comes out medium, while the potatoes and onions are charred to a crisp and stuck on the bottom
>some of the potatoes are salvageable, but the onions are literally charcoal

Gotten a bit better at cooking since then. Haven't had many big fuckups lately.

>18 years old, first job
>working nightshift for a japanese company that makes auto electrics.
>most of the production workers are asian women/girls
>second night of work, mommy made me some spaghetti and put it in a pyrex dish
>there is a line to use the microwaves
>starving
>decide to use the induction stove in the corner
>after about 5mins the pyrex dish explodes
>room full of asian women are now screaming and shouting jibberish
>i quickly try and clean my spaghetti up while acting calm, inside I want to die
>have to finish shift on empty stomach getting mocked and jeered by cutie asian girls.

>Asshole friend starts bragging about his new girlfriend
>Says she's nervous about being introduced into our friend group
>"Who gives a shit? Just show up with her next time we're all hanging out."
>Insists on meeting friend group one at a time to ease her into things
>I don't agree to this.
>Tells me he and his girlfriend are coming over for dinner, and that she's on the keto diet
>"Bitch, I still don't agree to this. Just have her show up to the group the next time we are all hanging out. We're chill, we aren't going to hurt her."
>Tells me he's coming over anyways, oh and don't forget the keto thing
>"Stupid cunt, it's calories in versus calories out. What you eat doesn't matter at all."
>The night they are supposed to come over comes and I half ass a meal
>Salad, breaded pork chops, sauteed potatoes, and canned spinach
>Lie and tell her the breading is crushed pork rinds and the potato is jicama
>30 minutes later she's on the floor having an insulin attack

>Earlier this year
>Sister's 25th birthday is coming up
>Going to have a party
>Mum and I get put in charge of organising food
>Mum does all the sweat stuff like cakes and slices, while I'll do most of the hot food
>I'm told to make a couple of certain things that sister wants/likes and then told to make whatever I want to
>Get the idea to make home-made slow-cooked pepper steak party pies
>3 days before the party
>Get some nice chuck steak, season it, brown it off in a fry pan
>Put it into a crock-pot/slow cooker, along with some diced fried onions and mushrooms, some diced carrots, salt and black pepper, a dash of worcestershire sauce and a little bit of beef stock
>Let the whole thing slowly cook for about 24 hours
>Give it a quick taste test
>It's really good
>It's full of flavour and the beef is so tender that just melts in your mouth
>Set up my party pie maker and get pastry ready
>Go back to crock-pot
>Crock-pot is a hand-me-down from my mother and probably originally from the 80s
>Still worked fine though
>Pick related, it looked very similar
>Lift up lid of crock-pot
>The handle, which was just a glass ball (like pic related) slips out of my hand
>Hits the crock-pot
>Shatters
>90% of the glass goes into the crock-pot/meat
>FUCK
>Pick out a couple of big shards of glass
>Can see smaller shards in amongst the meat
>Some about the size of my fingernail
>Some are tiny slivers
>No way in hell am I going to get all the glass out of the meat
>Can't serve this
>Can't even give it to my dogs to eat
>Have to throw the whole batch out
>FUCK
>Crock-pot is now pretty much useless as it has no lid
>Still have 2 days
>Get a new slow-cooker
>This one has a loop for the handle
>No way this one is slipping out of my fucking hands
>Cook meat all over again
>Second batch is just as good as the first
>Make party pies
>Make other foods
>Take to sister's party
>Everyone loved my cooking, especially the party pies

>>18198313
>gaijin LITERALLY spilled his spaghetti in front of qt girls
Pain.

>>18182203
>Two bros hanging out for the weekend for fun.
>hur dur it's ghey
This is why male suicide rate is higher than the women.

>>18198349
You claim to be chill but nothing about your post reads as you being chill.

>>18198349
I don't blame him, you sound like a total fuckin loser

>>18197517
You do know that different things are called Jelly depending on where in the world you are, right?
In most of the english speaking world, jelly refers exclusively to a gelatin dessert, which is what I assume you're thinking of. In North America it refers to a type of fruit preserve like jam, but made of fruit juices instead of whole fruits so that it has less pulp and actual fruit in it.

>>18198511
>it's normal to buy 11 liter containers of jam.

>>18198541
>it's normal to make 11 liter of jam to put in the pantry, give to friends and family or even sell

fixed that there for you as what your wrote was a shitty attempt at sarcasm, that failed due to you being a retard that doesn't understand the basic idea of making preserves.

>>18198552
>butthurt about jam

>>18198392
You can use the ceramic pot in the oven. I read up about them once and they say the pot is oven proof but don't use the lid.

>>18198570
Yeah I kept the old crock-pot for that exact reason and also because I figure that I may be able to find a replacement lid one day, hopefully one with a better handle.

>>18198587
Find a pan the same size with one of those Pyrex lids with the stainless steel rim and handle.

>>18198392
I read somewhere those old ceramic crock pots and old pyrex can leech lead.
Food for thought

>>18197517
She didn't buy it, she made it to leave some to us, give some to both sets of my grandparents and to some of our aunts, uncles and cousins

>>18191126
hahaha

>>18181553
comfy

>>18197043
Retard, ice will cause a violent reaction. If your oil starts burning the best thing to do is to just add a dash of room temp water to it. Stay safe bros.

>>18198313
big oof

>>18198461
No that's because women live life on easy mode and gain resources by merely existing, but men have to struggle and suffer for nothing at all.

Just a heads up this >>18199266 anon is lying. He doesn't want you to be safe. Ice is the best solution for burning oil. Have to cool it as quick as possible to avoid an accident.

>>18186349
I find it funny that instead of trying to throw it out and say it fell on the floor, you're okay with your family EATING IT.