/ck/ - Food & Cooking

haha imagine if you snuck a little bit into a girls dishes every day lol
and like she got really bloated while you were hanging out together and couldn't help but keep farting haha that'd be so funny
and imagine she takes a poop so big that it doesn't flush in your toilet and she gets really embarrassed and has to ask you to help and you gotta go use your plunger to force it down and see it and smell it and stuff aha that'd be hilarious lol

>>15441579

>>15441563
Not only that but you feel light as a feather afterwards and usually have a clean snapper too, I still wipe to make sure but you can damn near put the toilet paper back on the roll.

>>15441563
envisage the odour

>>15441579

>>15441706
just as a little smelly prank haha maybe sneak it into some beans and ice cream to really get her brewing lol

>>15441563
that shit doesnt work for me

>>15441869
Are you a cow?

You diet is pretty poor if this is what it takes to have a good bowel movement.

If you are going to suppliment fiber, get a variety through flax seed and chia seeds. Psylium husk is usually what they use in processed foods to increase the fiber count, so you are probably getting enough already.

Rhonda Patrick has a really good podcast on the subject:
https://www.foundmyfitness.com/episodes/the-sonnenburgs

>>15441563
gays have been using this for decades

>>15441579
Imagine her sheer humiliation when you won't stop making fun of her big gorilla shits

>>15441900
fuck off rhonda, you cow

>>15441912
we got a gay expert here, what other insider gay secrets can you share?

>>15441914
women don't get embarrassed about bodily functions they literally bleed out of a hole between their legs once a month

>>15441926
t. virgin

>>15441563
I started dumping a couple teaspoons of this in my protein shakes. It's risky, though, since there seems to be a 50/50 chance that it'll either produce solid bog logs or a torrent of anus-clinging goop.

My last colonoscopy was normal.

>>15441936
why are you getting a colonoscopy at age 30?

You keep this up, and you'll wind up needing it permanently.

>>15441563
How do you get it down? One time in highschool I had really bad ulcers in my lower intestine because of some HGH shit I took without any cycle support, and the doctor gave me some antibiotics and told me to get a bag of that stuff so I did but I couldn’t figure out what to do with it. There’s too much of it to just cook into stuff, it would ruin everything in both taste and texture. I tried mixing it into water and chugging it down, fuck no. Tried pouring it on top of the water and drinking it all down in one gulp, nope. I tried just eating spoonfuls of it and pouring water in my mouth as needed, also didn’t work. Do you have to blend this shit into a fruit smoothie like 2 tbsp at a time? Or make oatmeal cookies with it or something? I have no idea how to get this shit down

>>15441944
Family history of serious Crohn's disease. My dad had to have his bowels ressectioned in his 30s.

I just eat these for breakfast, keeps you regular
the name brand has a strawberry cheesecake one that's real good too

>>15441973
Is it nice having a cute nurse probe your asshole for 30 minutes? I would definitely get one if they asked me to

>>15441994
It's a 3-man operation, the GI doctor plus a nurse and an anesthetist, but they give you a fentanyl IV drip so you're not lucid for the most of the procedure. I went from vaguely feeling something sliding up my ass to waking up in the recovery room with a towel between my cheeks.

I imagine I now know what it feels like for a gay guy that gets dateraped.

>>15441990
>keeps me regular
Yes, by making you shit out things that you have had time to properly digest yet. You’re putting your digestive system under stress without even getting the nutrients out of your food that you intended to get, just pushing out shit with no reward. Like stepping on the gas of a car that has no wheels, you’ll stress the engine with normal wear and tear without the reward of getting anywhere.

>>15442037
sounds kind of boring, good to know

>>15442120
not that anon but for my colonoscopy i was able to stay awake the whole time despite fenty drip and they turned the monitor so i could watch with the doctor
it's pretty cool

>>15442134
I hadn't slept the night before thanks to the anti-freeze I had to drink turning my ass into a garden hose. I appreciated getting knocked out, and I think I understand why people get addicted to opiates. Best fucking sleep I had in weeks.

>>15441869
Take more and drink more water

>>15441579

>>15441579
and you say to her "just shit on the floor next time and i'll get a bag, it'll be easier!" so you can take the shit and huff the smell later on

>>15442165
oh man imagine it smearing in the bowl and accidentally dripping out onto the floor haha that'd be such a funny end to the prank lol

>>15441973
>family history of serious Crohn's disease
>family history of eating garbage

>>15442216
Yeah, probly, though genetic factors play much more heavily than environmental factors according to my GI.

>>15441900
Especially considering a tablespoon of that stuff is only a few grams of fiber.

>>15441923
ur a faget

>>15441969
oj

>>15442320
Shit's high-tier fibre, though. Honestly, it'll give you fucking bezoars if you don't drink enough water with it.

>>15441912
explains why OP and (you) know about that

>>15442371
i asked a gay why he got husks

>>15441969
They come in pills too.

Or you could just eat a healthy diet, shitbird. If you have to fix your digestion with husk then you're either on opioids, an alcoholic, or eat processed garbage all fucking day.

>>15442490
No.

>>15442490
care to post your meals from the past 48 hours anon

>>15442490
>you're either on opioids, an alcoholic, or eat processed garbage all fucking day.

>or

>>15442532
Veggie + fruit smoothie both mornings (6-7 servings in each smoothie). Dinner yesterday was leftover beef tacos with homemade beans and spanish rice, tonight will be a sausage, bean, and broccoli ragout.

Get fucked.

>>15441926
My girlfriend would literally run the sink for the entirety of the time that she'd go to use the shitter when we lived together. In two years of dating (about a quarter of that time we lived together) I think I only heard her even fart once and she vehemently denied it when I laughed about it.

>>15442542
that's awfully nondescript for someone so assblasted over fibre anon i'm guessing you literally don't count macros/micros and still aren't hitting fibre targets

>>15441579
>>15441616

>>15441990
Fucked up thing is that those taste better than the actual fiberone brownies

>>15441563
I take this every day, plus I eat a lot of fiber. My shits are so massive, I usually have to flush twice. It’s amazing. I rarely have to wipe more than once or twice, and I feel like I’ve lost a lot of weight.

>>15441579
Yes anon, that would be hilarious indeed

>>15442933
roblox if he real

>>15441579
hello, based department?

>eat lots of veggies and some fruit
>shit regularly once or twice a day
feelsgoodman.bmp

>>15442490
As an alcoholic I shit just fine thank you very much.

>>15441579
Imagine having sex and then her stomach starts rumbling and she says 'oh no anon i think my stomach is upset' and she takes a big shit on the bed haha

>>15441926
Not true. My gf has gushed her period blood in the shower with me and we have had period sex, but she hates when I comment on it.

>>15441579
you ok man?

>>15441936
>>15441944
>>15441973
Why the FUCK is nobody concerned anon called out another's age for his recent anal leakage

>>15443023
haha yeah just thinking about funny pranks like what about if i made peanut butter cookies and put like a teaspoon or more of psyllium powder in each one and gave the to a girl i like at the beginning of a date and then while we're out she's getting squirmy and embarrassed and eventually has to give in and start farting like at a restaurant or brewery but i take her to one that only has a unisex bathroom and eventually she has to excuse herself to take a big poop and when she comes back i try to politely say how i've been waiting (since it's 1 unisex bathroom) and then i get up and go to check it out and give it a sniff lol i bet it'd smell so bad lmao that'd be a good prank lol

>>15441923
I like to put a little vaseline on my lips before oral.

>>15441579

>>15441579

>>15441563
where to get?

>>15443042
We are all almost 30

>>15443050
Well that's...I would like my gf did that

>>15441923
A little tiger balm ultra rubbed on to your hand right before giving a handy. I used it all the time in the town bathhouse/gloryholes before corona cock blocked me.

>>15443043
You’re revolting. Please self-immolate.

>>15442982
oh man that'd be so funny and kinda cute lol but like cute and funny like an embarrassing prank is right and i'd get to clean it all up after for her lol

>>15442561
>getting 8+ servings of fruit and veg per day, not even counting fiber in potatoes or beans or anything else
>not hitting fiber target
you're dumber than a box of rocks, you inbred faggot

>>15442490
There are several medical conditions that cause constipation no matter how perfect your diet is.

>>15444721
then how the fuck will adding this to their diet help, you shit slurping turd

psyllium husk and coconut cream makes the best vegan cheese.

>>15442065
That's ...a great analogy Anon.

>soluble fiber
>insoluble fiber
>omega 3

is there a better shit encourager than the humble flax seed?

>>15443043
fucking foul, shit your pants in public.

>>15441944

Have a former Dr, lost his license, in my neighborhood putting handouts on everybody's front door, offering a $10 colo-rectal/prostate exam in a little clinic he has in his garage, my father is considering it.
We also have a guy who has an off-the-books barbershop in a shed, in his backyard.
Used to have a Mexican Dr who did teeth cleanings, filled cavities, tooth extractions and worked on dentures, in a spare room of his wife's house, state police arrested him in November, for extra his wife would give you a pedicure or manicure while you had your teeth cleaned.
Got another guy a few blocks over who makes home-made chorizo and goat cheese, he comes around in the evening with a push cart, sells chicharrones, carmel apples, work gloves and sunglasses.

>>15442237
are you american? if so he might just be saying that to normalize the habits that lead people into his office (perhaps without realizing, maybe he was trained to really believe it). ofc the damage is done might as well trust him now

>>15441900
>flax seed and chia
>soi women meme diet
>Massive estrogen influx
>Absorbs nutrients from your body
>Tears intestines
This is why you don't take advice from retards

>>15442490
t. retard

>>15450380
>muh estrogen
>muh antinutrients
fuck off with your pseudoscience

>>15443577
I hope you get shot.
>>15446369
You too ya dumb cunt.

>>15450476
You will never be a woman.

>>15447414
Quaffee

>>15450916
I know, so I can eat all the phytoestrogens and """antinutrients""" I want, because it's not going to do shit to anyone

faggot

>>15442540
kek

>>15442958
>bmp

>>15441563
>This shit is crazy.
Carloooooos

>>15449406
This all sounds comfy as hell. I hope you give chorizo man your business when you can

>>15449406
Where do you live? That sounds like a fucking comfy neighbourhood.

>>15447414
Flax ain't to good to eat in big quantities they are phytoestrogenic iirc and they are slightly poisonous, but small amounts are obviously fine
Everything in moderation

>>15451460
Don't mind him anon, anyone who talks like that is just hyper insecure about their own low T

>>15441563
I always take that the day before getting pound in the ass.

>>15449406
Sounds lime a based as fuck society within our “society”. Rules rules rules, fucj rules, man.

>>15447414
the morning cigarette

>>15442037
>>15442134
Lucky bastards. I had nothing besides an ativan. Zero pain help.

Try some chia seeds, bro.

>>15441563
>>drink a tablespoon of this
>>deliver a 3 pound baby arm into the toilet the next morning
>This shit is crazy.
don't do that. just eat like whole wheat bread or something.
you can tear your anus and get an anal fissure and have years of pain and blood while pooping like what happened to me.
But by eating plenty of fibrous and water and starchy foods, and never eating rice, Im completely healed. you do not need any surgery! just wait and it will heal by itself.

>>15453961
You're stupid, stop posting about things that you don't understand..
Psyllium husk is not some kind of chemical laxative, it's just regular fiber, the same you found in what you call 'fibrous food'. It IS a fibrous food, nothing less nothing more.

>>15441563
IDK why, but that mental image is making me kek uncontrollably rn.

>>15441563
It's really good to mix into whatever other flour you use too. Makes the dough good and moist

>>15454018
m8 ur an idiot. psyllium husk does what op describes, it bulks up the stool. it can bulk your stool so much that you will tear your anus pooping it out. that is why happened to me! I misused psyllium husk and tore by anus and every bowel movement was a bloody painful mess for over a year. Do not fuck around with psyllium husk. use tiny amounts with lots fo water if you must use it, but I wouldn't.

best way to beat constipation is to not eat rice and to reduce fat intake

>>15454122
I insist, you're a retard. The same thing would have happen if you have over eaten any kind of fiber. Of course excess of fiber is bad for you, it is bad like anything is bad in excess. You just didn't balance your diet appropriately, that's the reason why you ended up shitting a child.

Is this supposed to be taken before or after meals?

>>15454203
psyllium husk is dietary supplement and a concentrated form of fiber. Im sharing my experience so others can learn. I don't want anyone to suffer my experience. Psyllium husk is no joke. Hopefully people will listen to me, take it seriously, and use very little of it or none at all, and ignore you.

>>15442555
Girls who are too shy to fart around you are the best. It really keeps up the illusion. I've been with mine for a year and a half and only heard her do it twice. Both times in her sleep, and both times they were absolute cheek clappers.

She did leave a coil in the toilet for me to find once though. Said she got a phone call halfway through and didn't want them to know, so she was going to go back later and flush but forgot. I beat her pretty good and she hasn't done it since. Fucking disgusting creature.

>>15454326

Wait... I thought girls didn't fart or shit. Somebody lied to me.