/ck/ - Food & Cooking

Last week during the formal lunch break at work someone mentioned that they had been berry picking. While the dreary and monotonous droning of my coworkers is something I suffer with on a daily basis, I was interested in this topic of conversation and began expounding on the virtues of berry-based pies versus other fruit pies.

As my monologue was building to its zenith, a particularly detestable colleague remarked, "I bet you don't like hair pie". This gave me pause and I admitted that I had never heard of hair pie let alone tasted it and that to be honest it did not sound very appetizing. This harmless remark invited scornful laughter and rather overt side glances. I can detect subtle changes in body language and it was clear I had inadvertently become their mark.

When I arrived home I searched the term "hair pie" and quickly realized it was a crass euphemism for vagina or "pussy" as that despicable coworker likely refers to it. My cheeks still burn when I think about how they ridiculed me.

I have decided upon serving them hair pie, not now of course as that would be obvious, but perhaps exactly one year to the day of this transgression. I will simply leave a pie in the shared refrigerator with one slice removed and a note saying, "enjoy". Of course I will collect hair from the barber so that DNA testing or morphological analysis cannot be traced back to me. I do tolerate 2-3 coworkers but they unfortunately may be collateral damage. Such is life.

I believe blackberry pie would be ideal as the moisture, appearance, and texture would respectively prevent the hair from burning during the baking process and sufficiently mask its appearance and texture until it is too late for these horrible individuals. However, I am open for suggestions or advice, especially if someone has experience with baking hair in a moist matrix (is burning a significant risk?).