/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>10365554
I once farted when I was standing up from the table while on a date. it was fucking loud, too.

>>10365554
I once tried to flirt with the waitress and the rest of the restaurant staff gave me a polite warning to stop doing what they called "sexual harassment", I never came back there, I was to ashamed.

I ate something that didn't agree with me while I had the flu and threw up at an office christmas party.

>>10365591
No I didn't. That didn't happen. I lied.

>>10365554
>making conversation with waitress
>chatting it up not looking for anything really just actually a cool person to talk to
>friend "ANON STOP TRYING TO BANG THE WAITRESS"
>awkward silence
>leave big tip and leave quickly

>>10365581
Yikes. Are you ugly

I took a first date to my office holiday party while I had the plague and I ate a chicken tendy appetizer and shit all over my date and my coworkers. My boss asked me what was my problem and I ended up shitting on him too.

>>10365577
was that the last date?

>>10365683
Observe the letters in the original writ, yes fag. Twas the terminus of muhdik and it was good sheeit muh niggah. Always date no/pol/ cuz it never fails, yeh? Yeh.

>>10365741
Fucking pathetic faggots and no_life fags. Consider suicide, gays. Seriously.

>>10365577
could probably laugh it off unless you're an autismo

>>10365741
what?

Desperately trying to peel shrimp only to be politely informed by the waiter that it is already peeled
In my defence, it was the first time I ever ate shrimp

>>10366316

I ate some really bad Eggplant Parmesan a few years ago. I was driving home and just had the most horrible and uncontrollable urge to shit. I was still 20 or so minutes from home, but my mother lived just a few minutes from where I was. She was not happy that I just "stopped by" out of the blue to desecrate her bathroom.

Still gives me shit about it.

>>10366316
damn this nigga ate the mixup and ate unpeeled shrimp, what a chump

>>10366396
I ordered so much food they asked me when my guest was coming

>office party
>Big boss for the region retiring
>Mild stomach bug, just the runs no biggie theres bathrooms
>Food comes out, get a plate, go sit down away from most coworkers, my manager is a crossdresser so most people are a little freaked out and dont sit with us
>Silent farts, had 10 already today, gonna have 15 more
>thatsnoordinarygascloud.png
>stand up to go get coffee after dinner, something wet running down my leg
>Walk out the back while my boss gives his speach and everyone else is having dessert
My diarrhea cranked itself up to 11 and For the next week I didnt go to work for fear of shitting myself and having to use an elevator

>>10366713
>my manager is a crossdresser so most people are a little freaked out and dont sit with us

>>10365581
Damn, must be ugly or just totally sperg. Probably the former or both.
>someone naturally attractive does literally the same thing, even if spergy
>DIG IN BAGINA XDDD

>>10365554
sit down and let's talk about that 9gag watermark

>>10366713
>>stand up to go get coffee after dinner, something wet running down my leg
my worst fucking nightmare. i used to bus really long to get to work, and i have a condition that makes me drink lots of water. my bladder would get so full i would nearly piss myself on the bus
>>10366828
fuck off, faggot

>>10365554
Back when I was 3, we went to T.G.I. Friday's and one of the neighboring tables accidentally knocked over their salt and pepper shakers, causing them to shatter all over the floor. Shortly after, I decided to do the same thing since I assumed it was a "game" of sorts.

As a patron, I guess going into the wrong restaurant, sitting down ad getting the menu and realizing I am not in the right place.

While working, a couple years ago I had my wisdom teeth pulled and was given a bottle of Percocets, so I was taking more than I should have, went out drinking the night before a Sunday brunch shift, kept drinking and taking percs while at work and was so fucked up my manager ended up driving me home before shift was over.

While working, I had recently had my wisdom

>>10366898
>tfw you haven't gotten your wisdom yet

>>10365581
oh my goodness

I was sick on the table once. I ordered fried oysters in hong kong expecting them to be the same size as the ones in japan. they were huge. I had one bite, gagged a few times then vomited on the plate.

>>10366371
what kind of mother gives shit for her son using her bathroom

No restaurant experiences, but there was this one time at a supermarket where I was looking at wine, and somehow I bumped and pushed one bottle, after which a whole row of bottles fell to the ground. The whole floor was covered in wine and broken bottles and I started to cry.

I still avoid the wine section of supermarkets whenever I'm doing groceries. A few months ago I tried walking through it to face my fear, but I stopped myself after the first step and walked back very carefully.

>>10367037
Did anyone from the store talk to you when it happened?

>>10367042
I think two to three employees came running to me, some cleaning up and one of them talked to me and asked me whether I was okay in an annoyed tone while also sounding like he thought I did it on purpose

I heard a waitress behind me asking who had the pie shake I ordered, so I raised my hand up and knocked the thing clear out of her hand. The glass shattered on the table and the drink ended up everywhere.

>>10365554
Elbowed a glass of wine into my pasta

I like asian food but whenever I go to a chink restaurants the gook employees always act akward as fuck and look at you like you are the first human they have seen.

>>10365741
huh?

>>10365741
>>10365746
What are you even talking about?

>>10365610
Cringy friend

>>10367183
why do they do this? they seem to all have the personalty of a wet tissue. i get uncomfortable at how uncomfortable they are. especially the ones who bring food out for the buffet, they run out with there eyes to the ground and then run back inside.

>>10367037
i went to the movie store drunk as fuck once and almost knocked over a 20 foot rack FILLED with movies, i didn't but i have nightmare that it couldve and would've had to pick them all up or atleast felt like i had to. i probably would've grabbed a dvd and slit my throat.

>>10365554
I went to a christmas party that was at a night club only open to our party. with a open bar for most of the night. afterwards about 2-3 AM two coworkers and me go to dennys.
I could see that one of the guys wasn't looking to good. looking back I really wish I would of dragged him to the bathroom, but I'm ashamed that I didn't. I was hoping my pancakes got there before he hurled. as the breakfast came. he started with the up chucks and I knew he would blow chunks soon, so I started eating big bites of pancakes. ate 3/4 of it before buddy ducked his head under the table and threw up real loud three times back to back to back.
funniest shit ever, I was 21 but I really am a better person/friend than what I showed. but I was high and drunk so I wasn't thinking straight. grabbed up letsko and threw a few bucks on the table and jetted

>all these stories of nasty sickshit
jesus get your health straightened out

>>10367037
rofl

>>10366857
jesus hostile much?
pretty sure your manager is the faggot dude

>>10365581
Suggesting to have sex is not flirting.

>>10365610
should have said you see her more like a best friend or sister, probably would have banged her. Also you really need to learn some banter.

>>10366371
are you adopted?

>>10365581
More details please. Were you alone? Was she really hot? Underage? Were you telling her she was hot or trying to have a conversation or did you ask her out before even ordering food? I wish to know.

>>10367037
This is a nightmare

>>10366713
I ate too much butterfish sashimi once. The next day I felt like I'm pushing gas a lot.
Was doing some groceries the next morning when suddenly I felt something is crawling up my legs. I swatted it away. Feeling like I squished something, I just wipe it on my pants.
Then I felt it again, just to realize that thing is actually running DOWN my legs.
I looked at my pants and legs only to see there's an orange, oily stains all over the back of my pants.
Luckily my girlfriend helped covering me up on the way to our car by walking closely behind me.

>>10366846
It's a bad form to flirt with a waitress or clerk when they are at a job serving you nonetheless

>>10365741
>>10365746
Calm down autismo.

>>10366713
>>10366857
>>10367515
Do you have a condition ? shitting yourself like that aint right
>>10365610
>women
>cool to talk to
sounds fake anon

>>10367515
Poo in loo

>>10365741
Since you're this autistic I'd assume the answer is yes.

>>10365554
I once got tipped a mans daughter, and accepted it.

>>10367591
probably rectal prolapse.

>>10365554
I was really toasted and this young, pretty cute chick, by hetero standards was waiting on me and these chicks and one dude I was dining with. She does the last water refill and brings the cheque and puts her hand on my shoulder and asks "anything else hun?".

I might have told her to "back the fuck off whore" and asked to speak to the manager. I left a 20% tip, which I confirmed thru my bank statement.

whoops!

>>10367687
Im lost for words. What kind of self centered piece of shit talks to people like that?

>>10367687
>puts her hand on my shoulder and asks "anything else hun?"
unprofessional, you's be right to tell her to fuck off

>>10367710
I might be a complete asshole when I'm intoxicated and not that internet points mean jack shit, but I do feel bad about humiliating a person for no reasonable cause. Obviously I was the dick in the situation, but I understood the nature of the thread was to make confessions.

Deride me at will, she wasn't in the wrong.

>>10365554
I went to the bathroom to fap thinking about the waitress' ass

>>10367430
Sometimes I have nightmares where instead of one row, the entire aisle fell down and everyone laughs at me

>>10365554
>Be me
>Working as a runner
>Have to take a tray full of food to table
>Like 5-6 plates
>They're seated outside on patio
>Door opens towards inside
>Open the door
>Door hits tray
>Tray falls
>Tell manager
>Get fired
I hated working in a restaurant

>>10367752
Maybe it just means youre not supposed to drink?

>>10367795
Go away mom, you don't even bake me cakes or make me chicken pot pie every once in a while.

>>10367815
No Im just saying if alcohol brings out the worst in you, maybe you should stop using it...

I once sent out a broiled haddock and the plate had 2 hairs on it, 2 hairs, MY HAIRS AAAAHHHHH

>Found a long hair in my food
>Wasn't my hair because it was blonde
>Don't really care because I've been here before and I still enjoy the food
>Cheap ass dad wants to make a scene about it
>Tells the waitress who has dyke haircut about it
>Don't want to gross out anyone else at the table so says it quietly
>Manager comes over, immediately blurts out about the hair
>Brings entire kitchen staff, all of them are fucking bald
>"I don't know how it could have possibly been us because they're all bald, but I'm comping the meal anyway"
>Pretty much accusing me of lying at this point
>Don't want to come back even though I wasn't lying

>>10367823
Mama, if you keep spitting the truth in the most profound manner, I'd gladly dig thru your trash every night. You sound hot and it has been a while since I've been burned.

>>10367855
Tell your dad to stop behaving like cheap nigger.

>>10367865
what the actual fuck? Im a man. What the fuck means "dig through my trash"?

>>10367257
As a former diner server I would say that's alot more common than you would think not even just on the weekends just like 4 or so times a week that happens

>>10367884
>what the actual fuck? Im a man.
It's ok baby, we can separate the details when it comes to the details.

>What the fuck means "dig through my trash"?
I would willingly dig thru your trash because you sound interesting, but I don't actually know your physical location, therefore it is most likely impossible for me to actually accomplish that task realistically.

I promise I wash my hands, but you sound interesting.

>>10367710
What kind and unprofessional cunt puts her hands on someone she doesn't know? Do you just touch customers while you are on the clock he obviously in his drunk state blurted it out a little more harshly than was necessary but if he doesn't like to be touched he should tell her to fuck off.
You know damn well if it was a male server touching a female guest nobody would call her names for telling him to fuck off and keep his hands to himself.

>>10367037
My gf and I went to a funeral for one of our coworkers and friends years ago. We both got hammered at the reception and called an uber to a pizza place nearby. After eating some slices we split the check and sat for a few minuets to finish our waters. My gf was resting her feet on the side of this wooden podium thing where they took orders, she suddenly slipped and knocked the podium over, causing such a loud sound that multiple employees came out from the back to see what was going on. A myriad of papers, pens and other such stationary items lay strewn accross the floor as the thin veneer coated particle board podium lay reverberating on the floor of the tiny resturaunt, the employees staring on with equal parts anger, disgust and exasperation ecthed across their faces. I started to laugh hysterically and the manager came out and told us to leave right away.
We still laugh about it to this day but at the time it was quite embarrassing.

>>10367914
dont call me baby. Thats wierd. Unless you're a cia nigger, you have no business in my trashcan. There's nothing really interesting about me.

>>10367783
You don't want to work for a place that would punish you for an actual accident anyway carrying a tray full of food and opening a door in is fucking bullshit and a manager should have been there to help out

>>10367103
Clearly the waitress's fault

>>10367953
It's called a joke, which are often predicated on one of the individuals being ignorant of the premise of initial statements.

I will not be digging thru your trash. I am not attempting to trace your IP to dissertation a reasonable physical location to again, find you.

Chill out, sweetness. You sound boring anyways.

>>10367983
phew almost had me...

>>10367855
>Brings entire kitchen staff, all of them are fucking bald
What the fuck is wrong with that manager? Even if you think they are lying what does doing that kind of shit prove? You don't gain anything other than embarrassing and humiliation to the whole table.

>>10367515
Shart in mart

>>10367983
by far the worst autism i've seen on 4chan

>>10365554
Tried helping the waitress out by grabbing the plate from her that I knew was mine. I was 22. Felt like a fedora tipping autist a split second afterwards.

>>10365741
literally huh?

>>10367953
Why are foreigners so fucking stupid?

>be like 14
>on school trip to Rome
>not Italian; don't speak a word of it
>go to McD's
>need to use the toilet
>the first toilet door I see has a sign saying "SIGNORE"
>stand in front of it trying to figure out whether it's the plural of signora or signor
>Italian-looking dude walks by and just goes in
Guess it is the men's room then
>bathroom only has one stall
>it's occupied
>stand around awkwardly
>flushing_noise.mp3
>woman comes out of the stall

>>10367630
Full story please

>>10368059
huh?

>>10367037
Don't worry, they will never charge you for anything.
Just don't run away, stay there and wait until someone "responsible" (not you) will come along and take care of it.
And this point just leave the scene.
Fin.

>>10368105
Why dont usa niggers get banter?

>dad divorced crazy abusive alcoholic mom who took everything, found a new gf
>extremely nice, makes a lot of money, is friends with pretty much every person in the county via her high-up role on the school board and working the local deli for the past 20 years
>dad takes her and her children out one night to fancy mexican restaurant
>invites me since we hadn't met yet
>amazing food, best nachos i've ever had and chimichanga is delicious
>have to shit
>hate going number 2 public restrooms
>literally have never done it over the past 15 years after stepping in a mound of shit in elementary school
>dad and gf are talking and having drinks for a solid 30 minutes
>really want to leave soon and use the toilet at home
>he keeps talking
>it never ends
>it's been an hour
>REALLY have to shit
>finally decide i can't take it anymore
>stand up
>body does not respond well to sudden movement
>*BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP*
>liquid shit streaming down my leg
>"excuse me for one moment"
>walk away to the bathroom with a visible shit stain on the back of my nice dress pants
>occupied
>entire restaurant smells like diarrhea
>finally get to use it
>come inside
>it's a nice, clean bathroom
>of course it fucking is, it's an upscale dining restaurant
>a sheer sense of dread and massive retardation brushes over me
>come back out and play it off like nothing happened
>even though my pants are still wet and have liquid feces in them
>dad is extremely embarrassed
>dad gf is utterly disgusted
>gf's sons are both chads who immediately start sharing this with everyone on social media
>all of my irl friends quickly hear about this too
>dad's gf awkwardly tries to leave without coming off as rude
>dad just sits there with a sheer look of disappointment on his face
>go home
>dad's gf is now dad's ex-gf

>>10367783
> on patio
What?

>>10365741
It was doomed from the start, even without the farting

>>10368178
fucking kek, after reading this no wonder why your dad is an alchoholic.

>>10366371
Why do white people hate their kids?

>>10368206
he isn't, old ex was.

>>10367515
Shashimi for shitinmypants

>>10368213
oh shit I cant read.

>>10367855
This is comical

>>10367037
I've worked in a grocery store and cleaned up many spills
Generally, they don't give a fuck or judge you. They're just more worried about cleaning up the spill so they don't get in trouble with their boss.
I was scanning the beer section once and knocked over a bottle of strawberry ale all over myself. Smelled like a strawberry slut cake all day
You just take the shit back to reclaim and clean up the spill.
No one thought that badly about you, promise
Although If I was an employee I would've started laughing out of sheer ridiculousness.
Do not be upsetti, buddi

>>10368178
I felt your pain anon

>>10365741
what the fuck

>>10368178
>fancy mexican
>nachos and chimichangas
walk the dinosaur much?

>>10365554
8 year old me was laughing my ass off for reasons I can remember. I was stuffed with pizza from this fancy brickoven place. The laughter made me vomit into my cup of soda, which then fizzled and overflowed, spilling vomit-soda all over the table. It was at a big family gathering too.

>>10367183
>>10367212
because you are a filthy gaijin
that's all

i made fun of the meal i was having and some how the guy that owned the place came up to me and starting questioning me about it

>>10365554
Back when I was a teenager, I threw up all over the floor at a Thai restaurant my family frequented. I hadn't eaten all day and mistook an upset stomach with hunger like a fucking idiot. Never went back.
I fuckin loved it there too, amazing food. The older waitresses would always compliment my eyelashes and complain that they didn't have any eyelashes at all, sure sucks to be and old asian lady

>>10365741
Has the influx of dipshit huh?-posts encouraged people to start posting incomprehensible babble? Because I dig this counterculture countermeasure.

>>10367591
>>10367610
>>10368035
Butterfish actually gives you terrible GI problema invariably. Avoid at all costs.

>>10370447
waefgrschtrdj ouiligkyjvtchrxegr oii.iubgkvyjtdhrxezsw
>implying

>>10365554
I went to an expensive steak restaurant with salt packets in my pocket and got kicked out when I started salting my steak

>>10370593
Did you try it first?

>>10367783
I worked in a place where that would be a 500to 600 dollar mistake and take an hour to fix for the guests.

>>10365554

Not so much a restaurant but a bar/club...

>kind of talking to this cute chick
>want to hang with her
>invite her to this old school jazz club
>so fucking cool, literally underground, full of old black dudes in suits and chain smoking with sunglasses on
>shes super impressed how cool I am for knowing about this place
>i order us some fancy cocktails
>waitress brings them over
>we chit chat for a few minutes, things are going great
>try to rearrange my sitting position and accidentally swing my arm out too far
>knock her drink off the table and it shatters
>band hiccups, everyone in club turns and glares
>oh god oh god oh shit oh god
>run to bar, grab rag and clean it up as best as i can
>run back to bar, grab her another drink
>hunch over so as not to block the band and hustle back to the table
>since im rushing and hunched over i lose my balance and bump the table
>my drink that was on the table goes flying off and shatters
>bartender comes over and says we dont have to pay for anything but we need to leave
>girl calls an uber for herself, never to be seen again

>>10368178
holy shit anon, how long ago was this?

>>10370629
yeah

Hailing someone who wasn't the waiter. Not much luckily.

>>10367515

You done found yourself a keeper, anon.

>>10367855
>Wasn't my hair because it was blonde
Just because the strand looks golden doesn't mean it's not brown, it was probably your hair unless somehow another waitress touched it at some point.

My first job was as a server at a ledos when I was 14. I rounded the corner one day into the server station and slipped on the wet tile. Fell down with a full tray of glassware. I cried in front of all my tables in embarrassment.

>>10367515
literally marriage material

>>10367855
that's an act of big dickery. You can't work in a service industry if you hate giving out service

>>10365554
Going into a Golden Corral, everything about it

>>10367212
>live in hellish society of unabated flowing human flesh. basically human ant, the only human emotions you get is from your family, and even that is muted and rare.
>constant toil for little or nothing, cut back at everything to afford to move to America and get rich
> buy Chinese starter restaurant kit, guaranteed money, cookie cutter everything, no thinking involved, barely any effort required. government gives you tax benefits for being foreign business owner.
>huge white people come in and give you more money then you've ever seen in your life for 30cents of grocery store protein and rice. there isn't many of them but they eat like cows.
>they say thank you and smile, try to talk to you, seem to care, when you don't. You're basically a human food factory, most of your business is the huge inventory you have to keep to feed these huge beasts.
>have no idea what to make of this, you know everything is shit where you're from and you should feel thankful but you can't handle people actually acknowledging you exist when you're basically putting in zero effort into life.
>reflect the positive energy into your children, but they're soon absorbed into the ceaseless cultural juggernaut that is American media and technology.
>you've become spiritually isolated and there's nothing worth putting effort into despite being raised to work very hard.

>>10366929
Kek, what a faggot

>>10368178
fucking pussies not using public toilets

>>10371030
such a good take, screenshotted

>>10370358
>you got something to say faggot?

>Go to shitty tourist trap restaurant in Miami
>been drinking all day on the beach
>slut takes our order after 30 minutes
>food doesn't arrive for another 2 hours
>my meal doesn't come at all
>server says they'll give me free shit
>say fine box it up we need to leave
>looks like shit
>we get the bill
>I end up yelling "so how much do we owe these fucking cocksuckers"
>whole restaurant hears
>didn't notice the waitress is literally standing right next to our table still
>get up and leave without paying
>leave terrible reviews on every site possible
To be fair these whores weren't even white.

>>10370724
last week and it's her birthday

>>10371030
a-are you a china man anon?

>>10371184
no but I lived in China town from a year completely isolated from all human contact besides weird looks from Asians at their grocery stores.

>>10365741
The sheer nonsensical autism of this response makes me pretty sure it was the last date.

How often do you guys shit yourselves?

I took my gf out for a date at a pretty nice Italian place in Philly. In philly, most restaurants are byob so I brought a bottle of Chianti for us to split. She's Asian and weighs like 85 lbs, so 2 glasses of wine and she's drunk as hell. I have an alkie tolerance so I drank the rest of the bottle and was only a little tipsy. Food was good.

Get the check - fuckin guy tried to charge me for the wine I brought. Asked for the manager, he corrected it and told me that waiter was the owners son and tries to charge wine (which they don't sell) when he thinks patrons are too drunk to notice. Never went back even though the food was really good.

>>10372385
>In philly, most restaurants are byob
Hold up nigga what

>>10372385
This post is so gay.

>>10372385
>Bringing your own wine

>>10372385
that is some shyster bullshit

>>10368122
>Full story please
Not him but when I use to work in foodservice some slavic family basically begged me to date their daughter. It was awkward because she wasn't that attractive and I already had a gf

>>10371034
This

>>10371030
fantastic

I started uncontrollably giggling at someone while pissing in a restaurant bathroom because they kept fartshitting repeatedly in little tiny spurts. I'm sorry if I gave any of you trauma.

>>10367753
Shuda asked her out

>>10370665
Ouch

>>10372800
This isn't that crazy of a thing, but restaurants around here charge you like $10 and serve it for you if you do. I can't remember what the term for it was

>>10373312
There's some fucker who brings a bottle of tequila to my bar all the time. It's got a fucking bell on it, which he rings loudly the whole time he's there. He pays out the ass just to show off and annoy a bar full of people.

>>10373312
Corkage

Uhh can we get some more stories that aren't about vomiting/shitting?

>>10366713
>Big boss for the region retiring

>>10373427
Uhhh no

>>10373401
There we go
>>10373392
That sounds annoying. I've never brought alcohol to a place myself. I only saw it done on TV or by my mom and her alcoholic friend

Whenever I'm going through the drive-thru and they ask "Hi how are you?" I always reply "I'm doing great how about you?" and they always say without fail "Order whenever you're ready." Maybe I'm just an autist. I can't not say that though because otherwise I feel like an asshole that's ignoring their question.

>>10366407
Maria?!

>>10372448
There's something like 1 liquor license for every 4 or 5 restaurants so most restaurants can't serve alcohol. So you bring your own.

>>10372800
You have to. They can't sell it.

>/ck/ is full of faggots and literal children who shit themselves
not surprising

>>10373866
wat
How do restaurants make money if they can't serve alcohol?

>>10367855
>long hair
>all the employees are bald
it was a pube, wasn't it?

>>10367037

>>10367037
I did a similar thing when making my own 6 pack at a store. Staff was nicer than they should have been, but this ratty looking punk guy walked up. Looked solemnly at the spilled beer and said "dude...not cool."

>>10367037
>working a supermarket in high school
>someone knocks over an endcap of wine boxes
>must have been at least 7-8 broken bottles
>whole store smells like a drunken hobo
>new kid has to wet mop up the mess while I take the glass shards out and record the loss
>takes him maybe 15min of solid mopping to get it all and the smell/vapor is not going anywhere
>starts to push the mop bucket to the back
>it has a wonky wheel that catches randomly
>wheel locks up and he tips the whole fucking thing
>gallons of dirty mop water and floor wine pour out all over the produce section
>kid is on the edge of tears as he mops it all up

>>10366371
Sounds like you were the one who gave HER shit :^)

>>10367884
It means learn English you subhuman

>>10373981
maybe selling foods?

>>10373401
more like cuckage lol

>>10374678
XD

>>10365554
my little cousin started doing chinese eyes and loudly imitating chinese people halfway through dinner in chinatown

>>10367037
Now you know how superman feels.

>>10368178
to be honest I wanted to feel for you but I hate when people refuse to use public restrooms

>meet girl at bonfire
>get girls number
>we text and flirt every now and then
>free time this week (i work overtime fuck you) so ask to eat somewhere
>she agrees
>get there
>sitting, waiting for 20 min
>she comes in holding some scrawny asian guy's hand
>panic
>rush into bathroom and don't come out for another 20 min
>peak out
>don't see them
>walk out and drive off
>can see fat waitress trying to chase me as i drive off
>later that night text her saying my mom had a heart attack

h-haha i'm such a stud

Fuck. Last night. idk if it was shameful
>Go to a nice seafood restaurant.
>Entree comes out literally halfway through our appetizer. Sick of this shit happening in all the restaurants near me.
>As she starts rearranging our table I kinda loudly sperg out "We're still eating, the entree comes AFTER we're done eating, please stop"
>Waitress apoligizes and comes back 10 minutes later.
>My plate is fucking hot to the touch.
>Ask her why my plate is so hot.
>She says it's because the food is really warm.
>Walk up from the table and find the manager.
Basically I told him what happened, and how I know for a fact they fucking microwaved my food, which is fucking bullshit since it's a 30 dollar salmon dinner with a $20 appetizer like wtf dude. Why are restaurants in NoVA such shit about their timing. I know I might be autistic here but I feel like restaurants in VA are so shit about this and it grates on me every time

>>10375906
wtf I was that asian guy
we were planning to have threesome with you
your lost man

>>10376113
Tbh not even autistic, that's bullshit for an expensive place like that to not know how to "fire" dishes out properly. Especially when on the POS system the waiters should be putting it in properly as courses and not just putting it all in at once.

10 years ago, I ate 2 chili dogs from Weinersnitchel with my then-gf and her best friend. We all lived together at the time.

Cut to an hour later, we're back home and I have an uncontrollable shit coming RIGHT THEN. Our roommate was taking a shower (it was a 1 bathroom apartment that all 3 of us shared) and I literally broke down the door and took a massive diarrhea shit while she was in the shower screaming. She also was very susceptible to smells so she's puking all over the shower while im literally shitting my brains out two feet away.

All 3 of us laugh about it still.

>standing in line to write name in waitlist
>door jingles behind me
>"hi! Welcome to-"
>thinking at mach speed, come up with something to save the situation
>"oh, you're not my friend, and I dont work here."
>didnt go as planned, improvise
>"you can go in front of me" as I step aside
>taking small steps towards the door now, afraid to break eye contact
>mom and dad show up after parking the car
>"Did you already sign in?"
>"I'm leaving!"
>run to car
>door locked
>wait 15 minutes and come back. Surely everyone in line who saw me is gone now
>nope. Everyone is still there.
>one by one the groups are called to a table, except for us.
>mfw never signed in.

>>10371119
...oh, that's okay, then...

>until i'm 10 have a nice life
>then dad leaves for seemingly no reason
>never see him, and he never sends money
>mum struggles and has to work 3 jobs
>we're always poor and often don't have much to eat
>when i'm 15 dad comes back to town with his new wife
>meet him, i'm still angry, but he seems happy and they are both nice to me
>see him pretty often
>that doesn't last long before he moves away again and i don't see him for another 8 years
>he calls me and says he has to meet
>takes me to shitty mexican place
>i'm excited because i've learnt to forgive him and want to rebuild our relationship as a man not a kid
>he shows up and tells me he has another son who is 7 (wtf)
>and he asks my advice on how to best leave his new wife and kid
>he wants to move to australia (why)
>he says he's asking me because i 'know how to handle bad women' (my mum)
>he keeps ordering drinks and ranting about how his new wife and my mum are just the same
>calls them sluts, cunts, etc. It just gets worse and worse
>i am sitting there stunned in silence until i lose it and hit him
>he's a big man and he tackles me onto the floor and puts me in a headlock
>presumably chokes me out although i can't remember, because i wake up on the floor with distressed mexican women all around me
>dad is gone
>have to pay $400 for a window he broke and of course the whole meal
>haven't seen him in 11 years now

on the plus side, the food was pretty good

>>10365741
I deeply enjoyed that reply

>>10376585
A promising career in comedy beckons, my friend

>>10376446
Broke down the door? Wtf like just shit on the floor at this point nigga like

>>10376585
That's a rough one man. Wish you good luck with your future endeavors.

>>10365741
What the fuck did I just read?

>>10376418
your lost....

>>10367967
This, Ive spilled stuff before, broken plates, even forgot orders and if a manager cant fix it or laugh it off you dont want to work woth those kind of people.

>>10365554
One time when i was a kid, i decided to dress into shorts without any underwear before going to my dad's favorite restaurant. As i sat in a booth,this old man started staring me down, and i didn't know why he was until i realized my leg was out and that he was looking inside my shorts. My dad noticed and caused a whole fucking shitshow as people murmured about me. Never went commando again

>Working as a waiter
>Boss is waiting for his food
>Chefs ask me where the food went
>Told them they didn't give it to me
>Some retard argued he gave it to me
>Argue with him and retarded superior argues that I've taken it
>Boss is midly annoyed but i don't wanna argue so i accept the blame
>Five minutes later see thst those retards had stored away the food
>Boss and superior apologizes but superior tries to orchisize me for not saying anything despite telling them multiple times
>Accept apology and brush it off
Also
>Get yelled at for taking a ten minute break for a smoke despite doing all the work
>Chef tells me the wrong table that had that food and then they yell at me for their incompetent

>>10365741
One hell of a date, lad.

>>10365600
ok

>>10365591
>Ywn have a beautifully groomed retriever that dispenses delicious spaghet on command
Why live?

>>10365741
>Chaotic autism

>went to Boston with my mom
>she wants to eat in the Italian quarter for lunch
>wind up picking a restaurant out, the staff all have accents
>my mom assumes accents = no understanding of English
>every time she speaks to the waiter she says everything as loudly and slowly drawn out as possible

>>10365741
>>10365746
This is pure and unfiltered raw autism

>>10366929
Lmao wtf why?

>>10371119
You sound like an uncomfortably hostile individual.

>>10377415

how did I know they would be so big? so big I could barely pick them up with chopsticks.

I think I bit into its giant stomach as well - the worst part. small oysters are lovely and even raw ones are nice. anyway, it was embarrassing. good job I was alone.

>>10376446
>Weinersnitchel
Are you serious

>was literally suffering the early stages of blood poisoning from an infected ingrown hair as a kid
>parents thought i was being a little bitch
>threw up all over the soup bar

>>10365610
That isn't something a friend would do anon.

>>10376484
None of this makes any sense. Learn to greentext a coherent story you dick butt
>>10376942
>orchisize
What?

>Dance Club/Restaurant
>Go with chick from office who had been flirting with me and some of her friends who are also from work
>Nervous wreck because I am horrendous with social situations
>Walk in
>She didn't tell me there would be men walking around in tighty whities
>Get a drink because so I'm not so nervous
>Think it tastes weak as shit compared to the G&Ts I make at home
>Have 3 of them
>Still no buzz
>Friends order me some Long Island Ice Tea
>Drink 3 of them because they also seem weak
>All of a sudden the drunkenness hits me like a fucking truck
>Start grinding up on office girl, grabbing her titties and shit
>She keeps stopping me but I'm too drunk to care
>Her and her friend go to get another drink for themselves
>Random guy comes up to me and shoves his tongue down my throat
>Takes me about 5 minutes to realize this even happened
>Starting to get tired and need to piss
>Go to the bathroom
>Sit down to piss so I don't get piss everywhere
>Doze off
>Door to stall opens up randomly and I wake up
>Some lady has come in, pulled me off the toilet
>She walks me out of the bathroom where a giant line has formed
>My dick is still out the entire time
>Woken up by this but still drunk as hell
>End up getting grinded on by one of the guys in tighty whities
>Pretty sure office girl has photos of this
>We leave and go back to office girls friends house
>I start getting emotional about my dad and crying in front of them
>Start violently vomiting all over their couch
>Get driven home
>Next morning I realize I left my wallet at office girls friends house
>Have to knock on their door and ask them for my wallet
>Still work same hours and department as all of them

>>10379132
Fucking hell I thought it was just me (regarding >>10376484), thanks Anon, I am normal. Relatively

>>10371034
>Have lifelong anxiety about using public restrooms
>Gradually get over it but still unwilling to shit in public because it usually takes me a long time to wipe
>At relatively small local Indian restaurant with parents, finally decide enough is enough and I'm going to use their bathroom
>They only have one small single-occupant bathroom, in the hallway on the way back to the kitchen
>Open bathroom door
>OUR WAITRESS is sitting on the toilet and forgot to lock the door
>look of sheer terror on her face as she raises one hand to close the door, I'm nearly paralyzed with fear
>stumble backwards, close door, rush back to table
>try to convince parents to leave as soon as possible

It's hilarious in retrospect but I somehow keep getting burned almost every time I make a conscious effort to overcome one of my fears.

>>10379150
Oh no, this is way too specific to be made up

>>10379247
Based Ron S

>>10379225
>but still unwilling to shit in public because it usually takes me a long time to wipe
I'm so glad I finally know I'm not the only one with that problem

>>10371119
ryan you're a bad person

>>10373673
you're a bit autistic

they're not being intentionally rude

they just don't literally mean their question, it's more of a polite noise to make at you

>be 16 year old me, new to driving
>go to grocery store, parking car
>store has those one-way parking lot lanes marked by arrows in pavement
>turn down the wrong way
>two cars coming the other way, first driver gets very angry
>waving his hands, yelling, etc
>park in space, guy behind him parks next to me
>go into store
>second guy spots me in store
>says, "hey! You're a really rude person!" really loud
>tell him I'm sorry
>he again tells me "you pissed that guy off, you're really rude!"
>he's like 45 years old so I feel genuinely ashamed
>go home in tears afterwards

I can laugh it off now that I'm older. I looked much older at the time, so he probably thought I was 19-ish and could handle it. If it happened to me now I wouldn't have tolerated it.

>>10367037
>work in coffee kiosk at grocery store
>station is right near exit
>so is the booze. poor planning on their part.
>someone grabs three bottles of wine and starts to walk towards the door
>they did this in front of the manager
>"Hey, stop right there!"
>thief throws the bottles and they shatter everywhere
>runs out the door
>everyone dumbfounded
I saw a lot of stupid grocery store nonsense shit while working in that thing. Felt good to not have to take responsibility for any of that shit being a non-grocery store employee

>>10371030
I always knew Asian culture was just one huge life long black pill but fuck if this doesn't put it in perspective.

>>10370593
>with salt packets in my pocket

bumping for more chinese restaurant shit

>>10368178
>gf leaves dad over something that minor
You helped him dodge a bullet lad

>>10373673
>>10379402
Nah, if you ask someone "How are you?" or "How's it going?", expect a real response sometimes and reply in kind. Moving on to the transaction without answering is rude. Also, what kind of drive thru place asks that? Most just say "Welcome to ____, order whenever you're ready" or something similar.

>>10365554
I fucked a tranny on the prep table after closing

I cut a dinner role in half with a knife at a fancy french restaurant. Apparently you are suppose to break it with your hands.

I burned over $100 in chicken wings at the pizza place I work at because it was a madhouse and forgot to push the timer button

>>10366898
>While working, I had recently had my wisdom
congrats!

>>10371030
this makes sense

>>10368122
yeah, but which was it?

>>10367687
>and asks "anything else hun?".
you have embarrased your peolpe by not consuming sufficently excessive amounts of foof

most dishonerbu, I cringeeverytiem

>>10367983
I am interested in these things you call "jokes", do you mayhap have information on where one can study such?

>>10370593
>I went to an expensive steak restaurant with salt packets in my pocket and got kicked out when I started salting my steak
you fiend

>>10370665
>full of old black dudes
wow, you are so anti-White, err, I mean non-racsit

kewdos brah

>>10375005
omg, I never thought of that

>>10377408
you say that like it's a bad thing

>>10379150
>>Still work same hours and department as all of them

>>10365554
my gf jerked me off under the table while we ate with her parents

>>10365554
had to sit next to someone from Team Peep. he was ugly, smelly, bald, a manlet and probably had a small penis too

>>10367037
>work as cashier in gas station/convenience store
>also main place to get booze on base
>old black guy who can’t talk without slurring regularly drops 40s of malt liquor without telling anyone because he can’t grip them properly
>retiree drops two bottles of the liquor we carry only because it’s conveniently just under the alcohol percentage we have to ration for and then complains that it’s in smaller bottles than it used to be
>guy drops a 6-pack of rare beer that costs $16 a pint and doesn’t even apologize
I’m admittedly unfairly biased against alcohol and those that drink it but It’s these times that I feel I’m in the right
But I’d take pity if someone started crying

>>10367228
what is a movie store? where are you?

>>10365554
Grandma and grandpa couldn't understand the asian waitress lady and complained fairly loudly about hiring people not speaking english at a chinese restaurant/buffet

i puked at the table on mother's day when i was 6 or 7

>>10376919
:(

>>10365554
I was 15-16 and ordered a filet mignon and said fi-let the waiter didn't correct me and apparently glanced and everyone at the table so they wouldn't say anything
Then when he brought out the food he said "and here's your FI-LET!"
Whole table busted out laughing
I turned completely red and barley spoke the rest of the meal

>>10384180
that is adorable, were you a cute (girl)?

>>10377389
>>my mom assumes accents = no understanding of English
>>every time she speaks to the waiter she says everything as loudly and slowly drawn out as possible
My mom starts speaking with whatever accent they have somehow thinking that will bridge the persevered language gap

peep/ general @ /b/

>>>/b/764497836 #
>>>/b/764497836 #
>>>/b/764497836 #
>>>/b/764497836 #

/peep/ general @ /pol/
>>166247427 → #
>>166247427 → #
>>166247427 → #
>>166247427 → #

Team peep unite for the meme war

>>10384275

>>10365591
I would beat the shit out of my dog if it did that

>order blue crab
>no idea how to open a blue crab
>barely able to get a good piece of meat out
>plate ends up looking like Aleppo if it flooded

>>10384205
Ive never been particularly cute desu sorry anon

>>10365610
What? This was a good opportunity to be charming and say something witty that alluded you really did want to bang her. Women like that innuendo stuff.

You sperged out.

>order a “ne-koys” (niçoise) salad
>waiter corrects me
>feel dumb but enjoy delicious salad

>at breakfast joint
>waitress asks me how I want my eggs
>can’t think of any egg options so blurt out first egg thing that comes to mind
>”hard boiled”
>uhh we don’t do that

>>10365741
get your fucking brain checked

>>10384271
this hurts

>>10374122
kek what an adventure

>>10376442
>>10376113
fuck you guys you can eat your entrée when theres still appetizer left on the table. quit being so fucking fat.

>>10376418
who the fuck wants a threesome with an Asian guy except the nastiest white fujoshi walruses

>>10370665
How the hell do you clumbsy bumblefucks make it to the adulthood in the first place without tripping into traffic or something? Jesus Christ. I have better balance when I am hammered.

One time I saw a reflection in my plastic cup full of ice and cola out of the corner of my eye that I perceived as the cup falling over so I panicked and tried to catch it, backhanding it halfway across the restaurant in the process

>>10379150
I was certain this was simply going to end with the revelation that they thought you were gay, hence why they invited you to a gay bar. It ended up much, much worse for you than that.

>>10376113
Yeah I hate when that happens too. Like if you make me wait five billion years for my appetizer don't bring my entrees out at the same time.

Waiters are supposed to apologize when that happens.

>>10384602
>eating all your food at once
>not fat
Dude, normal people can't shove shit down their throat. The whole restaurant experience is talking sharing appetizers, talking some more and getting your entree. Plus if they dare microwave your food so blatantly at an EXPENSIVE restaurant I think they're gonna have to start praying to Gordon Ramsey

>be 14 in pizza-hut with family
>have a cheeky fap in the toilets whilst a fat man takes a dump in the stall next to me

thats it

>>10371184
kek

>>10381778
Full story pls

>>10381787
Another stupid arbitrary fine dining rule
>>10382594
It's signora/signore (ladies) and signor/signori (men)
>>10383780
Full story

Not a restaurant but at the bingo hall
>brother and I are drunk at bingo
>possibly underage to have been drinking
>decide to squeeze me dauber between both palms
>dauber explodes
>red dauber ink all over both of our cards
>employees come over with paper towels
>say we're going to grab more paper towels
>bail
Never went back

>>10371030
holy shit...

>>10372800
>>10373463
people that enjoy wine will occasionally enjoy/indulge in bringing a nice bottle to a restaurant they like so that they can it pair with the food and enjoy in that restaurants atmosphere. restaurants that offer this service are usually mid-upscale to upscale places, not fuckin olive garden. 99 times out of 100 people bring a wine that's not something the restaurant serves and is probably a nicer bottle than the wines they do serve. $10-$15/bottle is normal, they probably charge because you're bringing your own drinks and not buying theirs.

it's really not that odd. some places in my city have a day of the week when they offer free corkage. grab a nice bottle off the shelf, go cork it at a nice restaurant with friend or gf/bf, enjoy some pizza or some french food, don't have to buy drinks... pretty good stuff, really.

>>10376585
your dad is shit. i'm sorry man. i would want to ice that cunt with a baseball bat straight to the temple and leave him fucked up in a parking lot the next time i saw him if i were you.

>>10379225
>>Have lifelong anxiety about using public restrooms
Stopped reading right there
Fucking faggot

>>10376585
Sounds like Bill Burr's backstory. You have a future.

>>10379225
>>10379346
why does wiping take you guys so long? do you take unnecessarily messy shits or something? wiping your asshole should take 2 seconds.

>>10384180
sorry u got fuckin roasted but that's pretty a pretty damn funny story.

>>10365741
What the fuck am I reading?

>go to Chinese restaurant when visiting Australia
>order some tiny cheapo $20 shark fin soup
>shady fucking chinks tried to charge me for the $350 one
>thankfully I straightened it out by calling them out on their cull shit.

>>10385376
it could've been sitting under a heat lamp, not microwaved. or just fresh from the plate warmer

>>10387024
not that guy but:

keeping old food warm is gross, rude and, at a certain point, unsanitary. american restaurants seem to have a disappointing capitalist posturing that sets the agenda that tables need to be turned-over and food needs to be turned out as quickly as it can be made. this is diminishing to the qualities of actually sitting down, enjoying yourself in the curated space of the restaurant, and slowly consuming, and enjoying the food and atmosphere.

you can sit down and eat your heat lamp-treated slop at mcdonalds. people don't pay $30+ a plate for warmed-up laziness.

>>10387262
They ducked up and made the food a little early, what the fuck you want them to do start the whole meal over?

>high school
>go out to a sushi restaurant with weeby shut-in friend
>at conclusion of the meal she says "arigato!" to the waitress
>waitress looks her dead in the eyes and says "im korean"

>high school
>take acid with a friend
>get hungry and decide to go to little caesar's
>nervous & paranoid, trying to act inconspicuous
>approach counter with head looking straight down, arm extended parallel to the floor, $5 bill in hand
>what seemed like ages pass
>hear "c-can I help you"

>college
>first date in a long time, super nervous
>date insists on going to a hibachi restaurant
>bad experiences with hibachi in past makes me even more nervous
>within 20 minutes of arriving I have to shit
>run to the bathroom, come back, have to shit again
>literally going to the bathroom every 5 or so minutes
>date finally asks "do you have.. a tummyache, anon?"
>super embarrassed
on the bright side we're still together

>>10385632
not that much to tell it's a weird situation because you can't tell the bitch to stop without making a scene i had to basically cum looking at her mum the most awkward shit ever

>>10387403
they still always had the option to do it right the first fucking time...

>>10387403
and yeah... you fuck up? you apologize for it and fix your fucking mistake. otherwise you don't earn your money. that's how it fucking goes.

>>10387427
aww. shes a keeper. marry her.

>>10386160
>Wiping
>not scurbbing your ass in the shower and stomping it down the drain

>>10379150

jesus

Went to a restaurant with my friend and his family to celebrate graduation and my friend's dad asked for Pepsi to drink and the waitress said they only had Coke and he went on this long autistic rant to her about how Coke is an evil company and is destroying the Amazon rainforest and fuelled the war in Afghanistan / Iraq.

She just stood there with a nervous smile darting her eyes at me and my friend for help.

>>10367591
Explosive orange oily diarrhoea is a side effect of butter fish

>>10365741
>>10365755
Goddamnit. You fucking Spergs

>>10388038
sounds like my dad we went to some greek restuarant with my gf who was greek and we are anglo and my dad spent the whole dinner talking to the owner about race wars and magic hidden in the earths core to him

>>10387427
fucking Koreans man

>go to sushi place, sit at the bar
>try to chat with the chef about Japan
>he says he's Korean
>i'd been watching a documentary about Korea in ww2 that morning
>tell him I "sympathise with the plight of comfort women"
>he just looks at me with contempt and hatred

>>10365741
I want to be your friend

>>10366828
You must not make much money if you work at a place where a crossdresser can be a manager

>>10368210
state your ethnic background

>>10365554
>go to bar with bud after work
>we both dress nicely and are well groomed
>we have never had mojitos
>order two mojitos for us
>realize how fucking gay we look
>pay for both of us so at least I wear the pants

Same friend a different time
>driving past an urban walking trail
>kid fucking hits the walk button instead of just jay walking to the median like a man
>yell fag out the window
>cop pulls up next to us with the windows open
>he won't pull me over lol
>cop pulls me over
>he gets out
>walks up to the car
>walks to the passenger side
>kneels next to my friend and asks if he's okay
>realize cop thinks I'm domestically abusing my boyfriend
>we aren't gay

>>10388700
>>10388682
go away

>>10368059
Lurk moar

>>10384405
Aaah fuck you just reminded me
>be in London, England on holiday with family
>be like 13 or 14
>getting breakfast at restaurant
>order something that comes with two eggs
>waitress asks how I'd like my eggs
>say "over-easy"
>she looks at me like I started speaking Chinese
>"sorry sir, what's over-easy"
>apparently they don't use that term outside North America
>panic and just ask for scrambled
>"oh okay, over-easy means scrambled? Cool"
>too beta to correct her
Some poor tourist got their order messed up and she probably got yelled at because I couldn't describe what an over-easy egg is

>>10373673
I do this and they seem to always answer me sincerly.
I think they appreciate that kind of thing

>>10374054
That image makes me deeply uncomfortable

>>10388129
I saw you post that in another thread and I must do the same thing here. Fucking awful, especially since you said "empathize" the last time.

>be me
>start at college
>all by myself
>overhear couple of classmates talking about going to the restaurant afterwards
>timetomakefriends.jpg
>walk over ask if I can join in
>they all look at eachothers for what felt like forever
>one of the girls breaks the staring competition and tells me sure
>"O-okay, t-thanks. See ya then"
>walk back to my table
forgottoaskwhen.mp3
>being the sperg I am I realise it's too late to reengage the conversation so I'll just show up early
>classes ends and I'm in the hallway looking for them
>what if they've already went outside?
>run to the gravel path leading to town
nofriendstobehere.png
>decide to wait for them
>nervously act like I'm on my phone as other students pass by because it was too bright to see the screen
>where are they?
>suddenly it hit my head that they probably left by car
>they're probably there already
>engange sonic mode
>run as fast as I can down the gravel hill passing other students
>near bottom of the path I trip nastily
>limp/jog rest of the way there
>adrenaline pumping in my veins as I open the restaurant door and step in
>people inside starts staring at me
>say 'hello' while raising my right hand in a greeting manner

1/2

>>10389736
>why the hell did I do that?
>awkwardly stand there scouting for my classmates
>they're not here
>proceed standing by the door like a sperg waiting for them while wiping sweat off of my forehead intermittently because of the running
>take out my phone
brokenscreen.psd
>angle it in such a way other people won't see the screen while acting like I'm using it
>one of the staff approaches me and asks I'm okay
>say I'm waiting for some classmates
>she asks again
>I reply once again in a slighly higher pitch before being interrupted by her pointing at my knee
>half of my leg is covered in blood
>it's from the fall earlier
>she shows me the way to the toilets so that I can clean myself
>she asks if I need any medical attention
>"N-no, thanks"
>so.. how many will be joining you today?
>"five-six"
>I'll put together two tables for you and your friends
>"O-okay, t-thanks"
>what if they've already made reservations?
>I wrap several rounds of wiping paper around my knee and step outside
>sit down at the table and begin looking through the menu she had laid down for us
>can feel everyone's eyes in the back of my head
>I might have read through the menu a dozen times before the same woman approaches me once again
>anon, I don't think they'll come
>"I-I-I probably got the wrong date. Oops"
>I step up and apologize for the hassle and scoot for the door leaving a trail of spaghetti behind me

Needless to say I didn't talk to them the next day and I dropped out about a week later

2/2

>>10389748

>>10389344
we generally have sunny side up eggs here but for her not to know what over easy means is just jobsworth tier

>>10389748
nothing positive could have possibly come from any of that

>>10389960
them actually showing up perhaps?

>>10389974
even if he wasn't covered in blood it would be really awkward for everybody to see some autist reserve a table for the group
they probably would just get their own table to begin with because they wouldn't assume anon was going to get there super early and get a table
BUT even if he didn't do any of that weird shit he still probably wouldn't have had a good time

>>10388736
if any of this is remotely true you sound like an insufferable 17yearold. you wear your insecurities like a badge of honor making you the least 'manly' person in the room. i'm sure people you know acknowledge it behind your back.

>>10384405
>>can’t think of any egg options so blurt out first egg thing that comes to mind
>>”hard boiled”
>>uhh we don’t do that

fuck that got me

>>10389009
Not an argument

>>10389344
>London, England
I-Is there another London?

>>10390028
i know there's a london, ohio. possibly a few more small towns scattered across the us named london, too. obviously none of them are big enough that, unless you're physically near them, you would need to specify to an american that london, uk is the default

went together with some friends during highschool once. one of them had brought his qt3.14 girlfriend along. we sat down and looked through the menus and I ordered something with spaghetti. while waiting for the food I didn't really talk because there was a hot girl present. we get our food and starts eating. I hadn't learned how to eat spaghetti properly yet so I slurped them up as I normally would. I actually managed to spurt some sauce on her cheek from my slurping. the entire table froze. what the hell do I do now? you obviously try to wipe it off with your fingers and lick it off. and so I did a couple of times before she excused herself off to the restrooms. the guys looked with a disgusted look in their face while I realised what I just had done. "Wouldn't want any of it going to waste" I awkwardly tried to break the tension with. she eventually came back and remainder of the meal was silent

>>10368178
>mexican resturant
>had diarrhea
I know you said it was fancy but it was nothing they hadn't seen before

>>10365741
how much did you have to pay her for the "date"?

>>10365554
Apparently stuck my finger in a pot of butter when I was a kid and tried to butter a baguette as such, that's about it. Now that I think about it, me and a couple others went to the cinemas and we were all teens at the time and super giddy, we went to a Maccy D's after where they faught for popcorn while I just looked like "guys keep it down >///<" and then the popcorn flew everywhere, they ran off and I had to clean up the mess while Gok Wan was telling me how to operate a sweeper from behind.

>>10390035
there's a london ontario
>>10390028
americans are not well-travelled people and so they tend to assume the person they're talking to will need to be alerted to the fact that they're talking about a different country. they literally always say 'paris france'. it's not because they're distinguishing from paris texas. just imagine they're saying 'that's in' between the name of the city and the country. 'i just got back from a honey moon in paris - that's in france!'. 'my husband is on a business trip to london - that's in england!'. they want you to be acutely aware of just how romantic and exciting it is to go somewhere without the second amendment or twinkies.

they also think of the entirety of europe as being a fairly homogenous place like america itself. if you introduce yourself to an american as being from london, they will say 'well gee! london huh! i've been to paris.'

>>10374054
how did you find this picture of me

Why is it so god damn difficult for some people to just not shit themselves?!

>>10365554
I was drunk as shit in a depot grill at 2 am with my wife and a few buddies. Apparently at one point I yelled "I HAVE A LARGE PENIS" for no apparent reason. My wife was the only sober one present and she refuses to go to that depot grill ever again

>>10367855
larry david is that you?

Spewed in the bathroom of a sushi restaurant and told my date, so she didn't think I was shitting.

We haven't gone on a date since. She stopped talking to me.

>>10367037
I'm terrified of this happening. I once almost knocked over one of those beer displays in a gas station that are carefully constructed into shapes. I was high and a young high schooler. Weed unironically sucked for me, stay in school kids

>>10389736
>>10389748
legit felt second hand embarrassment from this
no one likes people who impose themselves on the group especially if you just met them
best course of action in school/college/work is to scout out for other loners or small groups and work your way up until everyone knows everyone or if all else fails just do something like invite them to a party you heard about or a concert or some shit
reminds me of a similar college /ck/ sperg story to drive the moral home
>be first year
>don't know a lot of people and can't stand most of them
>this chubby babyfaced gremlin looking kid comes up to me and asks me to join him at McD's
>nigger looks like he's straight off the set of jersey shore
>like who dresses like that for college
>but sure why not
>he keeps talking about himself and trying to make awkward conversation about the most boring faux-normie shit
>he also eats all weird
>can't explain it but he plays with the food in his hands and mouth
>leave and don't return his calls/messages
>after getting to know everyone I hear he asked all of them to eat with him
>including this one girl who got so creeped out she changed campuses
I have a couple more stories about the dumbest shit he did like when he "banned" me from going to his brother's wedding for joking about showing up there in a wife beater and shorts but they're not remotely /ck/ related so I'll stop here

>>10390580
>no one likes people who impose themselves on the group especially if you just met them
Not necessarily. If you make a good impression you can win over a group very quickly. The problem is not enough people have the confidence to make a good impression, and if they have people like you scaremongering them they’re inevitably going to fail.

>>10390642
>If you make a good impression
good impressions are a meme imo especially when you're talking about college where a lot of people are just putting on an act of being friendly
good impression might be for when you do find a small group you feel you vibe with but nine times out of ten you couldn't just walk up to a group of guys and girls and just force yourself on them no matter how smooth you are

>get the guts to invite a hot girl for dinner
>go to dinner
>shitting myself with anxiety
>order drinks
>realize I can no longer move my neck
>raise drink to mouth really unnaturally
>just adjusting the angle of my jaw enough to sip takes a huge amount of effort and also makes my head SHAKE
>my arm also shakes
>am so preoccupied with this that I barely make conversation
>after this, never spoke to her again and was a virgin for 5 more years

>>10368210
Why do black peoole raise their kids to be criminals

>>10390669
i think you have much better odds than 1 in 10 but whatever, hard to evidence that.

>Ate nothing all day
>Go bowling with friends
>Leave for cheeki nandos
>20 min wait lolno
>Go to "The Counter" burger chain
>Make your own, I have all kinds of shit on it with blue cheese
>chase down with a pint and enjoy the evening
>prepare to walk home
>Make it 500 yards, need to fart

All hell came out my arse, saturated my boxers and trousers

>Frozen still
>180 and head to the nearest place to finish off the job and clean up
>briskly walk into the nearest place, a frankie and bennys
>Into the toilet, a second torrent of shit flows free
>Boxers were a write off, trousers were saved out of necessity to get home
>had to dispose of the shit soaked boxers
>see the smallest pedal bin ever
>will have to do
>call an uber on the pan, make a dash for it when it arrives
>Rasheed takes me home

Most horrid experience, my friends who ate there too had the same problems - lucky for them they were at home. I still feel bad for the person who had to empty that bin.

>>10391056
did you sit naked in the car? how did he/she react?

>>10391285
I managed to save the trousers, they were black so the brownness of the stain didn't show. I managed to wipe most of the shit off the back so it didn't reek out. I don't think the driver caught on, paki uber drivers always load their cars up with magic tree anyway

>>10391315
then why did you 'make a dash for it'?

>>10391454
because I shat myself and was embarrassed?