/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

I met a guy who is no kind of pervert, likes my frills, and it feels very comfortable even when we don't say a word to each other, but a girl (already in a relationship) who works with us gets to spend way more time around him than I do. My inferiority complex says that every girl is better at being a girl than me and I hate myself for being such a frumpy weirdo with anxiety instead of a normal well-adjusted basic bitch.

I used to think I wanted to be a man. I think I just feel like I have failed at being a woman. And... I don't really know why. I want to be mad at all the other circumstances in my life right now as well but instead I am just sad. I lost a lot of weight, my skin is getting better, I bought a bunch of nice clothes, I am getting back into the things I love after a several year period of depressed inactivity - but it's not going away, the hollow feeling. Like everything will fall apart, and it kind of always does, too.

I feel like, even if I join communities or make friends or get a boyfriend, I am just a pipe cleaner they can bend until they like my shape. I don't have any trauma I can remember, no life threatening hardships. I'm just broken for no reason. I think I might genuinely be at my best when I am left alone to do my own thing in life, but I've been doing it almost the whole time. Dammit, I didn't want to cry typing this stupid shit. I hate myself so much and I don't even know why. I don't deserve it, I'm not that bad, really. But even knowing that, I still do. This sucks.