/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

> mfw have been depressed all my teenage and adult life
>shitty parents never helped me even though they rarely saw me awake and instead decided to ridicule me and bunch of other shit including making me into a servant of my little bro
>somefuckinghow find myself in university and building my own life
>still depressed tho but barely functioning
>until last year (before pandemic)
>life starts to slip through my fingers
>end result is me hiding in my home barely speaking to anybody
>hate myself as much as one can and want to end everything
>can't even finish a sentence or take care of myself let alone wear lolita
>finally get help and sick leave after almost 2 years of struggling
>they say I'm getting better even though I have never been this bad this long
I have been thinking about it hard since I heard it. And it's right. Did I even exist back then? It's like I was offline for years, not feeling anything and gone. I hope this time getting better means getting better for good. I have been filled with joy and excitement to see my interest in lolita come back. I was so worried I lost the joy for this fashion completely, everything I used to do have been feeling so distant. Maybe there is still hope. I would even take my depressed but functioning self back forever screaming if this one went away and never came back. Thinking about everything I have makes me cry, it's all I have ever needed and I don't want to loose it to this disease. I'm afraid it wears me down before it gets better.

>supposed to do a wardrobe post in holidays
>start SSRI medication after Christmas
>can't be any worse can it?
>same evening after taking the first pill
>my hands and feet sweat like crazy but they are as cold as dead
>hysterical crying
>manage to get a sleep with melatonin
>wake up in the middle of the night to lay on the bathroom floor while crying in panic bc sure my relationship is ruined
>had to cancel a meet up in the morning
>not like I can wear anything nice bc of sweat
>mfw my wardrobe post is probably ruined again bc all I can do is cry and hold a piece of paper in my sweaty af hands
Just when it got better I had to take a second one and I get this "wow this feels nice"-feeling right before it takes a complete nose dive.