/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

Narcissist here, just wanna sadpost and feel sorry for myself. Don't need (you)s feel free to skip, thanks. (I'm not a good person, so content warning)
>Crippling intimacy issues after long (and I mean long) and only relationship ended.
>Been like, almost 2 years now and still I'm not back to whatever normal looks like.
>Hate that I wasted so much of my life and am this old now.
>Hate that I settled for so little and ruined so many opportunities for happiness.
>Hate how weak I've been and still am.
>Hate how I'm still not my dream weight at this age and haven't been since I was a teenager despite working so hard and getting so close and struggling with ED.
>Hate how I can't erase the last decade of my life and start fresh and innocent with someone new.
>Hate how I'll never feel good enough for someone no matter how much they seem to want me. I feel like he just doesn't know the real me yet and I'm just good at "tricking" them all from a distance.
>Getting addicted to the feeling of be pinned over from a distance and never getting any closer cause its the only way I can feel remotely desirable. Gone as far as going on dates or two and then ghosting.
>Hate how now I'm letting my crazy potentially hurt and play with other people's hearts when I know I have no intention of being anything more than a "tease" no matter how much I like the guy.
>My job which I loved started getting messy with how many coworkers I was entertaining in my mind and unable to stop flirting with which made me feel like even shittier of a person, yet I couldn't seem to stop myself.
>Was invited out for drinks after work one night with coworkers but it ended up just being me and a new hire and I didn't have a flirty dynamic with cause he never acted anything but professional.
>After a few drink suddenly that all changed and we were getting emotionally intimate then he says he always had thing for me.
>Then he kisses me and I just let it happen. First time since anyone but my ex.
continued.