/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

Ugh I know 4chan won't understand my tranny-fag ass but it's a feels thread so whatever

>be me growing up (F)
>poor family, moms a druggy whore
>dad moved away 6+ hours when I was born
>still comes to visit, he's my idol
>finally he gets custody of me
>move to Cali
>learn about jfash
>welp here comes my emo kawaii desu desu phase
>gets made fun of constantly for acting like a boy or looking like a lesbian
>becomes very insecure so I start starving myself to be pretty desu
>move to Colorado
>still getting "you look like a lesbian haha you have a dick!!!!1" jokes
>years later I realize I'm non-binary
>accept my manish attitude
>never outgrew my jfash love

I love presenting as a high femme woman, and I consider myself sapphic wlw but I know the moment I bring up I'm trans to anyone who doesn't know me I'll get bombarded with "wow I couldn't even tell!" As in "wow you used to be a dude?!!'"
>activate intense dysphoria
I just want to look pretty as fuck, my Frills are one of the only things left in my life that give me real purpose. I've been actually taking care of myself since I started wearing lolita, and I started losing actual weight because I have a goal finally. I know I shouldn't care what others think but I don't want potential friends or comm members thinking I'm some a tumblr fuckhead who thinks being a cat is a gender. I just don't id with entirely male or female, does that mean I can't like inherently effeminate or masculine things?

I don't know I needed to get my thoughts out. It makes me sad I'm not entirely welcomed for something I can't really help.