/cgl/ - Cosplay & EGL

I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like I'm just going to hurt anyone I ever get close to or talk to, and yet, I'm afraid of talking about it to my friends because I don't to guilt trip or well, hurt them. Sometimes I feel absolutely convinced that I cannot do anything right and that I am just a disaster waiting to happen.

>tell someone I think their cosplays are great
>"oh... t-thanks?"
Now I feel like I shouldn't have said that.

I've become very critical of cosplays, though I hardly ever vocalize it. Either of my own or of others. I see a cosplayer and my immediate thoughts are now, "okay, they could have done this part a bit better, their prop is all wrong for this", thoughts along those lines. I basically mentally nitpick at everything. Even when doing my own cosplays, I'm no longer thinking, "alright, I've done my best, this is as far as I can go with this," instead I'm thinking, "well, it doesn't matter how much effort I put into this, it still isn't good." And... I don't know it's a good thing, but sometimes I wish I could just stop. I never say it out loud or anything, just all mental assessments, but... I guess sometimes I wish I could stop thinking about that and just go, "hey, a (name of character) cosplayer, cool" to others, and "alright I think I'm set to be (name of character) for this con, this should be fine" to my own cosplays.

I've been on the cosplay scene for about... a year and a half now.

I've only made a handful of friends, and even then, I'm worried they're getting tired of me. People get tired of me.

Am I just that awful of a human being? Am I just being too paranoid again?

I really love anime conventions, cosplay and the culture in general, but I'm getting more and more depressed when I go to them.

They always make me realize how different I am from other people. I always go alone and I can never make a friend with anybody.

Hell even when I was 4 and started going to school I felt out of place, I've been like this my whole life. When I became a teenager and kids started dating I always thought I just needed a couple more years to be able to be like them, but it never happened. When people asked me out I'd have a panic attack, I guess I started to shut people off so much that now that I'm older they just ignore me. Now I don't think someone would be ok with a 20 something who has less experience than your average 11 year old, meaning zero experience.

Another problem is that this is killing my drive to do anything, I just think "why should I bother working hard when I'll just be a crazy depressed loner anyway?"

Maybe I should accept that I have some serious mental illness and give up on things like having a family or being happy.