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/biz/ - Business & Finance

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897800 No.897800 [Reply] [Original]

I just lied on my resume and landed a great job at a financial firm (Stevens). Today is my first day, and I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. They told me to take the first day and walk around the offices and get a feel for the place.

What the fuck do I do, /biz/

>> No.897803

>>897800
When you are exposed your reputation will be ruined. Forever.

Must be scary.

>> No.897805

>>897803
*Stephens inc.

Like I give a fuck. I was building porches before this. I schmoozed my way through the interview and I have no idea why they chose me for the job. All I did was watch Wolf of Wall Street and read some books from Barnes and Noble.

>> No.897806

>>897805
You will do great, I can feel it.

>> No.897808

They usually check references and qualifications, don't that?

They checked mine (I'm in the UK).

>> No.897809

>>897800
Kek
You can do it OP.
Just ask around what the former guy in your position did, ask around for people's jobs, read yourself. Act like this and you'll get to a better job in a month.

>> No.897810

>>897808
I gave a ton of references. I dropped about $250 on burner phones just for this reason. Kept them at my house and answered them with accents. Gave myself glowing reviews.

>> No.897811

Just act annoyed all the time, people will think you're busy working hard

>> No.897812

>>897805
You will care when nobody trusts you anymore and it becomes difficult to find a decent job.

Your living standards will plummet. Good luck.

>> No.897813

>>897810
( admire your dedication

>> No.897814

>>897812
>move to another city
>"hey we can't hire you because you were a dick to a few people four years ago in another city"

Or, alternatively, I just keep building decks. Good, tax-free money.

>> No.897816

>>897814
Good luck lolol :)

>> No.897818

Get coffee and lunch when they ask for it. It's really not that hard.

>> No.897819

>>897818
>implying I came in as an intern

If you're gonna lie, do it big, nigga

>> No.897822

>>897819
HAHA THATS MY GUY

>> No.897834

>>897800
Do exactly as they told you - walk around the office, see where the cute chicks are, take lunch. Once they'll need something from you, they'll ask you. Whoever gives you the work - ask for pointers, and you're good.

>> No.897835

Dont worry op u will fit right in with the executives of most firms. Enjoy.

>> No.897841

OP, don't listen to the faggots in here. You'll be fine. You have your job, just learn shit you don't know as you go along. You're not either a doctor, lawyer or engineer, education is useless. Just Google everything.

If you find you can't do it, quit after your probationary period if you have one. Make up some family excuse (someone has cancer, therefore my mind was elsewhere etc). It'll give you a real reference and guide you on what you need to self teach yourself for next time.

Good luck, stay confident and don't fuck up

>> No.897849

>>897810
If serious, you are sick. How about University applications? Can you give more details, what did you tell them? 30 years experience at the age of 25?

>> No.897859

Hahahahahhahaha. OP, you made my fucking day.

>> No.897860

more details about how you lied, please.

>> No.897920

Jesus, OP. If this is real you're one hilarious motherfucker.

>> No.897923

>>897800
OP is a faggot who is being reckless with his faggotry because he is pranking the guys at Stevens who read this part of 4chan.

>> No.897953

>>897800
so OP good luck, I lasted about a year in my work before they figured out I wasnt qualified. Upon my exit interview they remarked that they could not understand the damage I did to them in the time I was working there. Pro tip, always subtly suggest that you like sucking dick or are a jew. This way you can easily bypass any trouble with your minority card. Try to avoid meeting any clients in the first couple months unless you know someone is going to be leading the meeting, it gets rather trickesome to stay around when a bunch of clients are demanding blood for your fuckups. And remember, no matter how much people claim you are incompetent never ever admit to it. After the first month of work you will have lied so much that there is no going back, so you are forced to completely reinvent yourself. Just dont go reinventing yourself as dr house, he actually knew what he was doing and you could get more complaints for calling everyone incompetent around you. It will work as long as you can dance, and remember sue them fuckers if they fire you for anything less then a legitimate reason.

>> No.897961

>>897805
>>897800

Don't listen to these posers.

make the lie real. that's how you really move up in the business world.

bill gates is rich as fuck because he lied, because he said he had something he didn't. he made the lie real and became the most successful entrepreneur to date.

You have all the ressources to succeed.

I believe in you brother.

>> No.897966

Good job OP those fags don't need to know shit. I dropped out of college and lied for every job I have had. Now a C-level exec at a 20 million dollar business at 26.

>> No.897975

>>897800
Fake it til you make it brotha

>> No.897985

>>897805
lel, I don't believe any of this but keep going, this is funny.

>> No.897987

>>897800

Walk around the office, get to know people. See what people do. You never know, you might be able to last a year there before they realize you are worthless. If you can, save every penny you get.

>> No.897988
File: 42 KB, 425x350, day bow bow.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
897988

>>897800
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7i0V26wWiM

>> No.897993

Op here.

What the actual fuck. They asked me to analyze some reports at lunch (just left for Subway. Jared Fogle is my inspiration). I plan to just slap them on my boss's desk and ask him why the hell they're so screwed up.

>>897849
I told them that I graduated from a college in London and interned at Lloyd's. I also told them that I volunteer and am a long term member of our state's Republican Party.

>>897953
I actually look just slightly Jewish. I'm sure I could throw on a yamaka and fool everyone.

>>897987
There's actually another new guy and he's blowing it. He graduated from Duke but is aspie as fuck. No one likes him so far. I'm making friends left and right.
>tfw we're competing for the same job and 30% of our evaluation comes from co-workers

>> No.898000

>>897993
>slaps reports on bosses' desk
>shouts at boss "who the hell put these reports together, they are completely screwed up"
>silence
>it draws out for several long minutes of the two of you staring at each other
>finally he claps..slowly at first then stands up clapping hard
>Most of these over-educated, under-experienced clowns take years to learn to properly analyze, I haven't seen someone with your gall since stephens himself!
>He walks out onto the office floor and says LADIES AND GENTLEMAN A TRUE ANALYST HAS FINALLY JOINED STEPHENS INC
>THIS MAN IS NOW YOUR BOSS, ALL REPORTS GO THROUGH HIM DIRECTLY


day bow bow chic-chic chikah day bow bow day bow bow beautiful

>> No.898002

>>898000
Fuck, that's actually the scenario I have in mind. My worst nightmare is him asking "what's so bad about them?"
I plan to respond with "just look at the numbers. I know for a fact that they're not supposed to look like that."

>> No.898009

>>897993
>>898002
Ask someone what the boss likes to see in report analysis, google how to do it, get it done fast

>> No.898017

>>898000
do it. Trips demand it.

>> No.898028

>>897810

My friend did this for me. He'd have him, his Brother, and his Sister answer. He was a true bro.

>> No.898075
File: 70 KB, 755x801, 1434543309573.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
898075

>>897810
>I dropped about $250 on burner phones just for this reason.
Yes, because they wouldn't call the official numbers for companies/people, just the bullshit ones you wrote for them.

>> No.898078

>>897800
MAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT
pretend your life is a comedy with a happy ending

>> No.898086

>>898075
I did all of the above as OP did, but I only gave references to companies that no longer exist or have been part of consolidation.

>> No.898092
File: 36 KB, 570x500, 1408662259948.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
898092

Bump this shit is gold

>> No.898119

Is OP kill? Work day is winding down in Eastern Time zone. Come on. How'd the reports go?

>> No.898124

>>898119
This goddamn son

>> No.898148

>>897800
OP, you remind me of Jim Carrey in "I love You Philip Morris". Literally a movie about your situation and lifestyle you choose.

>> No.898162

OP got fired, then arrested.

>i know for a fact those numbers aren't supposed to look like that.

That's all you got? Oh man I am laffin.

>> No.898168

>>897800
Who starts work on a Friday?
What kind of financial questions did they ask you on the interview?
What buzzwords did you use?

Unfortunately, unless you can give us a timestamp picture from your phone of... oh, some letterhead with "sup /biz/", today's date, and the office in the background--- i'm calling bullshit.

>> No.898186

>>897812
>can't get a decent job
>lie to get a decent job
>somehow this is going to make it more difficult in the future

>> No.898204

Rip in peace

>> No.898246

>>897810
Stop and realize you're hard working.

>> No.898249

>>898168
We need to synergize our global initiatives.

>> No.898313

>>898009

Literally this. But we all know this thread is a lie.

>> No.898316

OP here. Left the office about an hour ago, had drinks with some of the office people. They were asking me about London and Europe, and we were all making fun of the other (real) new guy. They have no idea that there's a fake amongst them.

I did a little spin on the numbers sheet he handed me. I plopped it down on his desk, and just shook my head in disbelief. He said "I know, right? That's what we're hoping to fix with some fresh minds."

First day successfully mastered. I've got a long weekend ahead of me. Anyone have any good resources on how to be a good financial analyst lol

>> No.898323

>>898316

nice one bruh.

I want to be like you but i'm too smart to lie about being smart

>> No.898328

>>898323
I've actually learned a ton today just by watching and talking to people. I'm hoping by the time I'm seriously tested, I'll know enough to actually be able to work.

>> No.898332
File: 64 KB, 590x572, 1435712092537.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
898332

>>898000
>stephens himself

>> No.898337

>>898075
If the company is big enough background and reference work is not handled by the people who are interviewing you. I have seen to many freshers in my day, system is too easybto game.

>> No.898344

>>898328
You're living the dream OP
Go to vegas with that luck

>> No.898358

>>898337
Stephens is pretty big, I'm led to believe. Apparently not very bright with background checks.

>>898344
I actually don't gamble. I know enough about stats and finances to at least not do it.

>> No.898361

>>898358
Op best of luck to you i am not going to say i did this kind of thing but if i did i feel it would have been the best descion of my life. God speed.

>> No.898362

>>897805
Whenever someone asks you something you don't know act like they're asking you some random thing that only they know, there's tons of things in finance that people act like its important when they're the only one who cares about it

Just treat every question like they're an idiot asking you about some useless shit

>> No.898365

>>898362
or just act like you can't remember and need to jog your memory
there's tons of shit I don't remember from school

>anon what inventory method is this company using?
>God inventories, I haven't thought twice about accounting since freshman year amirite guys B^)

>> No.898440

>>897800

Who gives a fuck.

You'll be fine man, just watch and learn.

>> No.898452

>>898086

This. When they see nothing but closed companies on my resume, I say

>I'm a very loyal employee and if you commit to me, I will commit to you until one of us is no longer around.

I had no real job experience. I'm a Team Leader now. Make $50-80k a year depending on overtime and how busy we are.

>> No.898454

>>898328

If not, outsource the work to some Indians.

I'm sure you can find someone in New Delhi with a financial degree who will work for $5 an hour.

>> No.898455

>>898454
Holy shit, this might actually work if I can find a hookup in Trashcanistan. But even a 5-minute talk over the phone with them would leave me smelling like curry (forgot to mention the other new guy is Indian and reeks of curry and cheap cologne)

>> No.898456

>>898075
For references it is standard to give them a personal number. I've been straight up told by companies that they cannot and will not call work numbers.

>> No.898460

>>898456
This. I've always given personal numbers on real applications. After checking with the person being called, of course.

>> No.898494

>>897800
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5txHN4EuOc

>> No.898506

OP if you get fired, you don't even have to worry about putting this job on your next application so you'll be fine!

>> No.898515

>>897803

What a load of shit.

>Hypothetically OP gets fired
>Alter resume to never include working at company
>Apply to different field (finance is for boring fags anyway)
>Use different references

It's not that hard you fucking morons.

>>897800

You'll do great OP I like you already.

>> No.898517

>>897803
No one listen to this idiot. When a company call your old job for references, they are legally not allowed to say anything that would keep you from getting a job or you can sue them for libel and slander.

If you are really concerned OP, have a freind call the old job and ask them to act like they are a prospective employer and find out what they say about you.

>> No.898518

>>898075
I have worked for many start ups that got acquired and no longer exist. Not an issue to call for references for a company that no longer exists especially in the bay area.

>> No.898519

>>897800
OP, here is some advice. For the first 90 days, shut up and listen. Dont speak. Just learn. After 90 days, start to provide input. Dont talk with people in the office about "real shit", larn how to talk with out saying anything. Stay the fuck away from women. If they ask you out for a drink after work, go, but only have at most 2 drinks over the course of the evening. You wont look like the drunk you are, and when other get drunk you might learn a thing or two or some gossip and fit in.

>> No.898546

>>897953
>they could not understand the damage I did to them in the time I was working there.
TOP KEK
How did you last a year and not learn what to do though?

>> No.898572

I fucking love this thread.

>> No.898586

op: what is your official job position and what are you're duties?

p.s, write down all the lies that you have told. keep that list and read it 2x every night before you go to bed. become your lies, my friend. good journey to you.

p.s.s this could make a great movie.

>> No.898604

>>897811
Lel, something's off when a person just acts and is for real.

>> No.898622

>>898517
>they are legally not allowed to say anything that would keep you from getting a job or you can sue them for libel and slander.

The truth is a positive defense against libel and slander in the US. They just have to back up what they say with documentation.

They probably would just send the records to Equifax, and let them turn up in background checks if they really wanted to screw you over.

>> No.898636

Be me at 21, college dropout and get a job at a marketing firm in Midtown.

Get the job after outbeating 100 aspie retards with degrees.

All the guys in the office are in their late 20's early 30's.

Top guys that do the best all have accents.

Joke around with them that i should put on a British accent.

Next day start talking in a british accent. All the top head guys dig it and find it amusing, everyone else hates my shit.
Spent the entire day talking in a British accent.

Quit my job the day after cause I realized i wanted to be an actor.

Went out and partied afterwards and snorted coke with a model while using my british accent.


Coke hits me and I start talking like sherlock holmes.

"I deduce that you need another drink. Utilizing my ratiocination skills and my uncanny eye for seeing beyond reality, i suspect that after this drink we go back home and inspect each others bodies even further"

Get too riled up and decide it would be more kinkier having sex in an alleyway.

After i cum all over her back, i say in my British accent " well that was a smashing success"


Wake up the next day with heart palpitations and go to the doctors.

"Anon your heart is functioning like a 60 year old man"
I quip back in a british accent" Well i knew i had an old soul, but now i do literally"

Doctor looks at me like i'm retarded, tells me to lay off the drugs and try to change my lifestyle.

Become a born again Christian afterwards

>> No.898642

>>898636
damn...you fucked up son

>> No.898646

>>897849
>30 years experience at 25
>Implying any HR department would ever connect the dots.

>> No.898650

>>898646
>implying HR department will connect the dots
HR is the dumping ground for people with no skills

>> No.898654

>>898650
The government had to think of some way to create jobs for the ever increasing number of people with degrees in sociology and 'communication' majors.

What better way than create an immensely complex legal code for the workplace that forces employers to hire people whose job boils down to occasionally playing 20 minute videos for workers about workplace conduct, listening to people bitch about their co-workers. It's either that or pay out a few million in lawsuits.

>> No.898666

Unlike op i'm going to begin going in banks/private finance firms in my area (southern california) and walk in and ask for a chance for a job, if i show up at the same places every week and have a good personality on top of trading for a few years independently what are the chances of success? I'm 20 by the way i have an internship at an IT place right now but no college experience. I want to move up in the world

>> No.898670

>>898636
>well that was a smashing success
i'm stealing your line

>> No.898674

Unless its a prestigious firm, most companies never check your background. If its the government you bet your ass they will talk to your first grade teacher. But just fake it to you make it, OP. Google what you don't know and do it Office Space style. Make it look like you're working. HR doesn't have the time to check up on your references. Most companies stopped doing this because they know most people lie. If its run by boomers, you need references. If its a Gen Xers, then that person knows you lie on your references so they won't call. But there is a way to find out about bankrupted/acquired companies. You go to the state register office.

>> No.898711

>>898586
It already did
http://m.imdb.com/title/tt0093936/

>> No.898721

OP here.

>>898586
Investment analyst. I was assuming I'd just be picking stocks or something out of a barrel all day.

>>898666
You'd have a better chance by lying on your resume. Trust me, I know.

>>898519
I told my boss that I was going to do this, pretty much. I said that I didn't know exactly how things were done here, so I wanted to watch and learn their way.

>> No.898733

>>897811
Thanks Costanza

>> No.898746

>>898721
What's your salary?

>> No.898752

OP I took a $45,000/year job as a SQL data manager for a web based resource information tool, for a non profit, in 2009, with absolutely no experience in SQL whatsoever.

I started out generating simple reports. I did most of my sorting in Excel but put in an effort to learn aggregations and pivoting so I could design more of the reporting in SQL

I learned basic performance management skills to speed up queries and page loads

And I focused on the product side of things. I grew partnerships with like minded non profits in order to share their data. I grew the size of the database from 5000 records to a quarter million.

In 2011, I applied for and obtained a business intelligence job for a subsidiary of IBM, knowing nothing about basic concepts of architecture or modeling

I became a team lead and survived not one but two mass layoffs

I currently work as a Senior Business Intelligence Engineer for a major telecom at $95k/year

It can be done. You can, indeed, fake it until you make it.

But you better start researching the fundamentals of the industry. I would actually recommend reddit, as there are niche boards dedicated to your line of work.

You'll have a brief period where you're allowed to make mistakes. But if you don't catch up quickly you'll be sniffed out and eliminated. I've seen it happen.

>> No.898764

>>898746
55k for the first year plus benefits.

>> No.898976

thats just gret m8 keep it up

>> No.899064

>>898622
What does a credit reporting agency have anything to do with background checks for a job?

>> No.899079

>>898316
"how to be a good financial analyst lol"

go to edex find a analyst course
or let me google this for you
https://www.google.fr/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=financial+analyst+course+edx

>> No.899080

>>899064
They're not just credit reporting anymore; they're branching out. They collect and report all types of information.

They've partnered with most of the payroll processors, and online HR tools to suck in data from everywhere, and sell it .

You can see what they have on file for you by sending in this form: http://www.theworknumber.com/employee/DataReport/report_request.pdf

There's a sample report here: http://www.theworknumber.com/samples/The-Work-Number-Employment-Data-Report-EFX-WS-0205-11-21-14.pdf

>> No.899083

>>898316
and give us more
info from what you found on edx

>> No.899089

Well Yahoo former CEO lied on his resume and well he got outed but he made bank.

>> No.899709
File: 83 KB, 307x284, 1441793601219.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
899709

>>897800
>>897805
>>897810
>>897814
>>897819
>>898316
>>898328
>>898358
>>898455
>>898460
>>898721
>>898764

I wish I had your balls, OP, I really do.

Actually now that I think about it: how do i increase my confidence? I'm kind of a useless fuck up.

>> No.899731

>>899709
I love this thread.

OP what are your best tips for lying and bluffing your way through the interviews to a job?

>> No.899745

>>899080

Why is why you freeze your shit. ;)

>> No.899747

>>898518

This. Actually, there's probably a business opportunity here.

>We will create your fake job history using real jobs and real references!
>Find real companies that closed down
>Find some guy that worked there and pay him a kickback for vouching for random people
>Charge the prospective employees an ass fee.

>> No.899750

>>899731

Start lying to people in public. And here's what I mean by that:

>go get a hair cut in a large city 30 minutes or so away from you
>get a woman to cut your hair since many women do interviews now
>start talking to her
>just make up shit as you go along

I do this all the time. Got my hair cut the other week and told her how I used to be a military contractor. Talked about different cultures and all kinds of shit. Bullshitted entirely but she took it hook, line, and sinker. I had her engaged the entire time she was cutting my hair.

>or maybe I'm just good at lying and being a narcissist.

>> No.899754

>>899750
I've got that covered. I'm in the closet and 90% of my day is lying to people about who I am.

>> No.899756

>>899754
how is that possible? you just have people coming up to you all day like "hey man you straight?" "are you sure you're not gay"

it's not like you're putting on blackface every morning and telling everyone you're a black guy named Tyrone.

How many questions can you get about your sexuality?

>> No.899774

>>899750
op?

>> No.899778

>>899756

Maybe he's like mister Smithers from The Simpsons - every time you see him outside of the work environment, he's like a completely different person - an utter fairy.

>> No.899780

>>899778
>>899778
Maybe he's so very gay that homosexual tendencies are inherent in his mannerisms and demeanor, so he's got to spend most of his mental faculties on not being so damn gay.

Nigga, he gay.

>> No.899784

>>899756
Well 90% is an exaggeration I guess. Though, I had about six months of internalised rage during the referendum campaign for gay marriage in my country. I live in a homophobic household and rural area.

>> No.899808
File: 1.82 MB, 3264x2448, image.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
899808

OP here

>>899709
The three C's, nigga. Cool, calm, and confident. I used to be like you. Super shy and shit. Just start talking to literally everyone you can.

>>899731
Practice makes perfect. Tell the next cashier you see about your Chinese business trip.

>>899747
This is a real thing. There are some places that will even set up a website for the fake company.

>>899750
This guy is 100% right. It's better if you can see their face, though. Helps to get rid of your tics.

>>899784
Bitch, move. Politics aside, if you live in a toxic or hostile environment, you need to get your ass out. You're doing nothing for yourself. No excuses, bro. Just save up some money and haul ass to a new city.

>> No.899833

>>899808
How did you fake your education? Also what did your resume look like?
I'm really impressed by what you manged to pull off here and am looking to do something similar. Like what was said before being able to bullshit 1 on 1 is a needed skill which I believe I have.

Would love to talk more 1 on 1 with you about some of these things, if you have time hit me up at
allin0ne@protonmail.com

>> No.899834

>>899808
My god, that salad looks absolutely horrid.
No vinaigrette,hardly any stuff beside the greens in the lettuce, no composing what so ever.

1/10 would not pay for.

>> No.899838

>>899833
It's easiest to pick a foreign college. They wouldn't keep American hours, and there's a language barrier if you pick a non-English one. But then you would have to know the foreign language to pull it off. I told them that I finished up school in Paris, and cemented it thanks to my five years of French in school.

>>899834
>paying for a salad
>ever
The dressing was actually pretty good. Some sort of Asian ginger soy shit.

>> No.899842

>>898494
read my fucking mind

>> No.899845

>>899834
Throw in a shitload of spiky inedible rocket and that is the perfect salad in italy

>> No.899851

Op you've inspired me. I'm thinking about lying on my resume to get a retail job. It's hard because they want prior experience so it's a catch 22. How am I going to put down references without having any though?

>> No.899855

>>899851
Also tips on the interview? How did you get around them asking about your previous experience?

>> No.899858

>>899851
Literally just make shit up. Get friends to be your references. The interview will be a breeze. Don't stress about it. The absolute worst thing that can happen is that they politely ask you to leave.

>> No.899860

lmao normie

>> No.899862

>>899858
Could you hit me up on the mail when you have time please?
Also good thread dude, one of the few that has actually helped a lot of people.

>> No.899870

>>899862
I'll need your address, your mother's maiden name and your banking account router numbers to hit you up on the mail bro.

>> No.899871

>>899834
the green stuff is spinach, not lettuce

>> No.899874

>>897841
THIIIIIIIIS. I'm a Chemical Engineer and over 80% of the jobs in engineering only require Algebra to do. THAT´S IT. Wasted my time with Thermo, Dynamics, Unit Ops, Calc, etc.

>> No.899888

>>899862
Absolutely!

>> No.899958

>>897800
just improvise