NO LINKER GENERAL #64 - Vroom Vroom

[Anonymous No.16636654]

Sergey's Dad zips through traffic and does a screeching handbrake 180 into the parking lot all the while revving the engine. He then spins the car around once more as he hits the clutch and proceeds to hop out of the vehicle, vertical doors and all and tosses the cigarette to the ground, "Son! It's so good to see you, I just want to thank you and your "investors" for the car."

Sergey beams as smile back and scratches his beard, "you know what they say Dad", he chuckles, "you only raise money from the three Fs; fools, family and friends."

His Dad bursts into laughter and slaps his back as they begin walking along to the temporary Chainlink offices in downtown San Francisco. "But son, what will they say when you're spending so much money?"

"Well, I'm not spending the money" his son sheepishly grins. "The company is, based in the Caymen's, it's outside of US jurisdiction. We just vaccum up the money and drop it there, then we'll just keep piping it to you under your names so if they investigate me, they won't find anything. In fact, I haven't bought myself anything new, I still wear the same shirt day after day." He lifts up his jacket and the familiar plaid shirt is there.

"I see" his Father nods. "But you'll have to show, these i-investors, hahaha" he barely contains himself then wipes away a tear as he keeps laughing. "These investors, they'll want to see something."

"Easy. We hire temporary shills, well basically market promoters all across Asia and North America to keep marketing our token, it's an ever expanding market." And then, he pauses, "as for progress, we set-up some real easy APIs quoting prices and keep drawing out the timeline, so it looks like work is being done but it's not. We show up to some conferences and we never open up any offical offices, moving from here to there so that if anyone does come and knock, they'll see a bunch of wires everywhere and some weird programmers in the corner and then the next day, we just pick and move shop."

[Anonymous No.16636676]

His Dad wears an expression of approval and almost admiration. "You know in Russia, everything was about scheming and scamming. I almost got sent to the gulag for scamming the entire village outside of Leningrad. Ahh those were the days..."

"I know Dad, but things are different now. America is easy. They're fat pigs begging to be ripped off"

His Dad responds worringly, "but then the market will respond. If you're not actually doing work what will you do when rumors or "FUD" as you call it spreads?"

"This... is the best part Dad. I found a kleptomatic internet culture, essentially an entire internet board of people to parade around our token and market it for us. When people doubt us, they just say, "didn't read, never selling." They... actually belive it! They just keep spouting off "never selling!" They actually believe it Dad! Best of all, I convinced these idiots that this token was never meant for them and it was built for business to business scaling. That they were never supposed to discover it in the first place."

"Mhm... the same guys you talked to, to give them low prices on the ICO and hold the token so that they could spread it and reap in profits."

"Well, yeah Dad, that's how good scams work, you cut the profit a little bit each way so that everyone benefits. I even messaged the moderators and admins, they're called "jannies" and got them to look sideways for all the paid shilling and corruption, to spread the token further. Things are looking great Dad, I tell ya"

"Hmh, of course, now let's get some lobster and steak."

"You betcha, I already had three today. But first, let me show you where we operate. We're in San Francisco to convince these dumb neets that we're in tech capital and attend different shows. These- thes-these hahaha, these morons... sorry, they promote our tokens through so called "organic groups" hosting their own events. I swear, this is a carnie level of theatricalism."

[Anonymous No.16636684]

>>16636654
that photo is from 2016, that lambo was bought with the NXT scam which was much less successful than link
IMAGINE, JUST IMAGINE the type of shit hes buying his dad from the LINK scam. my guess is private jet pic next year

[Anonymous No.16636697]

They arrive in the offices, Sergey flings his coat and throws it in the corner. "Pick it up wagie!"

"Yes Master" a kowtow employee humblly slinks off to pick it up.

"You should've seen the guy who tweeted that dumbass MOAB token tweet, I nearly beat his ass." Just then, Sergey's phone rings, "yes, yes... yes... no..."

"What was that about?"

"The guys from gravel coin called me asking for free link, I told them to buy it off binance."

"Binance"

"It's a chink exchange that I network with. They help handle the money laundering. We sell tokens over the counter from wallets we recycled from the ICO."

"This is much- much too complicated for me son."

"It's simple. Before we ICO'ed I made some threads and recruited some guys. I then fudded other tokens and paid Indians to promote it over the internet. We had the ICO then recycled funds back into it to make it pump. Theoretically we sold 35% but it was probably closer to half, maybe even a quarter, I don't remember the numbers."

"Ah, the classic distraction. Like a magician you lure your targets away from the trick."

"Exactly. By making it seem highly in-demand and creating false group-think, we made it seem many more people buying than they actually were. Then we needed money, we contacted the exchange, shuffled the tokens through there and got the funds. In exchange they got discounted prices and we made money."

"I see... and Google?"

"Same process. Bribe the devs with tokens, assure them a pump will happen then we contacted Coinbase and told them if we got a major company to mention us they would list us. Hey! Hey, give me the big mac, now god damn it!"

An employee scurries to hand Sergey a big mac, unwrapped and ready.

[Anonymous No.16636714]

"But Sergey, we are going to go to the restau-"

"Nonsense. I eat at all times and do what I want, hey, blow."

An employee scurries over the Sergey and his Father with a mirror loaded with glistening white lines and two shot glasses.

"Ah, classic Russian snack. Don't mind if I do" he says as he picks up a small cut straw. A loud and an almost snorting sound comes from Sergey's Father as he tilts his head back and comically begins to swallow. "Good shit. Nostrovia!"

"Nostrovia." They gulp down the shots and smash them on the ground. "Pick it up wagie! Anyway, let me give you a tour." They proceed to walk around the cramped offices.

"So when are you going to pull the plug?"

"Well the money machine just keeps going. To be honest, I don't even know what the fuck oracles are."

"Here's what I don't understand. If it's a good making machine, there's sure to be Jews and Russians and sometimes both in the mix."

"Oh they are. Chinks too. There's this twinked out meth-head named Vitalik. He blew me off because he saw through me and he refused bribes because he has his own scam going."

"The guy you're developing for?"

"Well... it's complicated. I promised investors, hahaha, I love saying that word. Investors... anyways, I promsied them something something, derivatives, basically data would go through us for a stock exchange."

"Why?"

"Because, they're stupid. Just connect big words together. Blockchain agnostic. Smart contract oracles. Decentralized node protocols. And bam you have money!"

"Huh, let me try... mhmm... Real time node operators..."

"Hahaha, you got it Pops! It's easy."

[Anonymous No.16636728]

They turn a sharp corner and Sergey angrily slaps the back of the head of one of his employees. "God damn it Rory."

"What, what did I do" he stammers out.

"Nothing. Fuck you, that's what." Both Sergey and his Father burst into laughter as they turn another corner, "This is my office, just a black telephone and a oneahole to blow off steam and... of course" He opens up a closet and there in pristine condition are thirty different shirts, all of the same type.

"The classic Steve Jobs. Son, I am impressed. You've learned big business so well, I only wish your Grandfather was here to see you. He would be so proud how you've milked these internet losers for money."

"NEETs, Dad, they're called NEETs. And I couldn't have done it without your backing."

"Ah, I see your philosophy degree is hung up here."

"Yeah, they made fun of me for it, but I can't help but think it helps me out-think the Fudders. Every time they almost catch us and every time we cover it up."

"And your exit plan."

"Russia of course. They won't extradite."

"Well, you've raised so much damn money... is there a chance to actuallly of pulling it off?"

"Not a chance. There is zero need for a token, you know I thought about it for a while but most of these protocols could be funded just as progress goes along. I picked something intentionally easy to obsfucate but also very easy to develop, but just added a layer of decentralization to make it extra hard."

"Why? Why not just deliver oracles?"

"Because they're fucking useless Dad. Like tarot cards or any other indicator, you just need an API to connect. All we're doing is technically setting up a layer for people to create their own APIs to act as a node to deliver data."

"Ahh, yes data... yes certainly Data is a great scam, but it's old no?"

"Of course, "big data, data is the new oil, yada, yada", but just throw a token on there and the word decentralization and bam! You have big money."

[Anonymous No.16637276]

tl;dr?

[Anonymous No.16637318]

>>16637276
Hold.

[Anonymous No.16637349]

>>16637318
>All in, max leverage, max credit cards, triple mortgage, kids and wife loaned to Muslim princes.


A-am I gonna make it?