/biz/ - Business & Finance

>>656021
you are a faggot, buy this pen

You'll die if you don't buy this pen.

My slutty sister has this weird thing were she sucks off guys who own pens like this, so I'm trying to get rid of it. Want to buy it?

Hi, do you want to buy this pen? It functions as a pen should and is being sold for a fair price.

>takes pen

My pen now. You aren't worthy of this pen.
You will never be good enough.
But me. I deserve this. My trophy wife and million dollar consulting business is more than you will ever have.
You want this pen.
You can't afford this pen.

>>656021
If you buy this pen, you could stick it up your ass and post a picture of it in a boipussy thread on /soc/

>>656021

Give your signature authority. This beautiful ball-point pen is sure to turn heads when you whip it out in the office to sign your official papers. Men will envy you. Women will lust for you. Everything that you write with this pen will imbue each letter with a persuasive genius expected from none other than Uncle Adolf Hitler himself.

I am a nigerian prince who has a pen that makes the owner get 5% royalties on all oil revenue-there is only a 5000 dollar transfer fee.

>give to actual retard
>tell him to sell it
>people too scared to say no
>pen sold

>>656035
I'll give you $8 for that pen

>>656183

wait what

>>656183
Giving $8.5 for it.

This pen is only 1 dollar. If you write a name down, that person will die.

This only works if you write it in this special notebook though.

The notebook is yours for 1 million dollars.

>>656219
but for you my friend, a special price of $39.99

>>656220
only if you call right now and mention this special.

1800JEWNOTE

>>656021

This is a luxury pen by the Penlux company, straight from England. You can see the elegant 24k Gold overlaid with the black ivory. This pen is loaded with rare whale ink straight from the harbors of Japan. Not only will this pen impress your friends, you're great-grandchildren's great-grandchildren will be using it hundreds of years from now.

All of this can be yours for one steal of a price, but only if you act now. I got people lining up around the corner vying for an opportunity at this exquisite accessory.

>>656183
>>656218
You don't deserve such a pen.

>>656021
Stick it in your pooper.

Oh you don't own a pen? I guess you can't. How can you live with yourself? Poorfag.

>>656021
First let me ask you this anon. What brings you into the market for a pen? What are you looking for in a pen? School? Work? Something to look fancy when you write your signature?

I only target really rich people.

>Me: How big? *nods at client*
Client: *surprised* H-how big what?
>Me: The cupsize of your wife's breasts.
Client: wth man, why do you ask?
>Me: Because I see that you are man who dosen't settle for little.
Client: Haha! Well I'm in a little bit of a hurry so..
>Me: Of course you are! But it just might be this is your lucky day.
Client: Look, kid, what do you want I really need to..
>Me: I see determination in your eyes, a soul that oozes of determination and success. A man that dosen't settle with A cups.
Client: Haha thanks, but I..
>Me: I see you as a man that needs to be perceived for what he is by his surroundings, do you agree?
Client: Well I guess but I don't really see..
>Me: A man who acquires expensive cars, big houses and busty wifes...
>Me: -Yet the most elegant trophy is often times neglected by the successful, and this elegant tool is what separates the real deal from the sheep.
Client: And what is that?.
>Me: This pencil. *pulls out pen that is in a nice little box*
Client: Haha..
>Me: This is what will make your rivals really see you for the man you are.
Client: And how much do you want for it?
>Me: What do you think a pen carried by a man like you should be worth?
Client: I don't know..
>Me: I sold two of these to (insert big shot idiots name here) yesterday. One for work and one for home.
Client: And what did he pay?
>Me: 950 dollars.
Client: Whoa..haha
>Me: His wife has D cups. Seen em, really nice looking. Oh, and he just bought a new Royce last week. But the biggest change of his life came yesterday. When he took the step to show the world what kind of man he really is..
Client: *sigh*.. Okay, I'll take two. You get 1000 Dollars.
>Me: I knew you didn't settle for anything else, but being first.
And with these pencils, everyone else will know it too.

Do you need a pen?

I don't sell pens to people who don't need them. But if you need one, this pen has a full ink cartridge, looks classy and fits snugly in your pocket.

Let me know if your interested, and then we can talk price.

>>656021

Write me your name on this bit of paper

>>656907
You've obviously never met anyone even remotely wealthy.

>>656021
>Take the pen
>Put the pen in your pocket
"What pen?"

>>656021
I really can't sell you this pen. I promised a friend of mine that I'd sell one to him this afternoon and this is my last one. If you'd like we can meet sometime next week and by then I will probably have a few more.

>>656907
Yeah wealthy people are much smarter than you're making them out to be, and that's why they're wealthy and you're on a board on 4chan trying to sell an imaginary pen

>>656923

Winner winner chicken dinner.

People only like buying things if its their own idea.

>>656907
HAHAHa. Wtf?
That was really uncomfortable to read man. Please, you can can just keep the pen.

>>656029
Fuck I wonder if anyone has ever said this

You better give me all of your money for this pen, or i'm going to blow your brains out.

me: i need help solving this equation
it requires some thought
consumer: it seems quite difficult but i can help, we will have to write it down.
me: I have this pencil
consumer: it seems broken
me: well.. i have this pen but its valuable to me. nobody ever touched it and if someone did then i wouldn't see its value to me.
consumer: well than what can we do.
me: if i give up this pen ill need something exchange for it.

>>656229
15$ GIMME THAA GOD DAMN PEN!@

>>656907
If you think that was smooth, intelligent, or would actually make anyone buy your product, you need to get off this board.

>>657286
$15
Is that all success is worth to you?

Not sure if you ever wrote with a really good pen. It is really something special. This happens to be one of those pens. When I found these pens I dropped everything to start selling them because I believe everyone should own something this outstanding. You should at least buy one, but in all honesty you are going to want to replace all your pens. At the office, in the junk drawer, in you home office, by the grocery list. Fortunately we start discounts in quantities of 20 and as always you have our guarantee behind all of our products.

>Me: How big? *nods at client*
Client: *surprised* H-how big what?
>Me: The cupsize of your wife's breasts.
Client: wth man, why do you ask?
>Me: Because I see that you are man who dosen't settle for little.
Client: Haha! Well I'm in a little bit of a hurry so..


Ironically the type of person who's likely to laugh about the cupsize of his wifes tits being a determining factor is the type of person who'll punch you for asking how big they are out of the blue without starting a conversation

Once you try the pen you will realize how special it really is. It is a pen that will revolutionize the industry. Fortunately not many people know about this pen making this a unique time for the right investor.

>>656021
ITT: Faggots who saw The Wolf of Wall Street and think they are financial geniuses/expert stock brokers.

Great movie btw.

>>656021
You can't have it. It's not for sale.

>>656032
eww

>>656907
>implying a $500 pen is somewhat impressive for a rich man

You know that certain makers sell $1,000,000 pens and even more, right?

>>656907
Ah... Wow. I never do this, but you are a special type of retarded, aren't you? You imagined that scene, you wrote all of that out without cringing so hard you copied a tooth, and you posted it, no hesitation. I'm at a loss for words.

>>657409
Made out of wood parts of ye good olde Titanic.

I'd prefer one made out of the iron of the sunken Bismarck.

>>657409
This has to be the greatest thing about capitalism. There is always a bigger and better boat. Kind of cool that even if you are worth 100 million you can still burn it all on a boat. Like even the rich can never be satisfied.

>>656984
I'm probably more wealthy than you will ever be.
>>657005
i know wealthy peeps, including myself.
>>657081
best one here yet easy.
>>657367
best one here, easy.
>>657389
nope
>>657408
Not retarded. Highly educated and well paid. Poor peasants like yourself will never understand the importance of humour when closing deals.

>>657555
Nouveau riche.
Lot's of money, still gutter people.

>>656996
why is this the last pen? Is it defective?

>>657555
Your trips have failed you- I'm simply not convinced. That pitch seemed strained, offensive, and just generally jarring.

I live down the road from a billionaire and I'd bet my net worth he'd push my fucking teeth in if I opened with a line about his wife's tits.

I know humour's great for closing, but opening's a whole new ballgame, ESPECIALLY if you don't know what the client is like well beforehand.

>>657555
I thought your dialogue was satire. But you are actually serious... So let me tell you it's quite bad. You'll never sell stuff with this crap.

That's because you're performing a comedic show, while the client is just saying "haha" or "I don't know". You extract zero valuable information from him. You can't know why he would need a pen, what kind of stuff he wants to hear or buy--nothing at all. You're just dropping "funny" lines like an autist. Selling does not consist in telling jokes. You must hear the client, make him talk. And when I want humour, I go see a comedy; when I'm laughing, I'm not buying a pen.

>>656021
it removes blacky

>>656021

Write a sentence about the first time you used a pen. Oh, you don't have a pen, here I'll give you mine for $1. I'd normally sell it for $2 but since it's friday I'm willing to cut a deal.

>>656993
are you a nigger?

Th-this is my favorite pen. It's v-very nice.

>>657743
Underrated post.

>>657555
>N-no anons, I'm a c-cool guy!
>Y-you're just jealous of my success!
>I'm better than all of you even though you were all criticizing me for being an awful pitchman.

>>657708
Why should I write a sentence, though? Anyway I have a tight schedule, gotta go.

>>657669
I BUY 10!

>>657815
I probably should've assumed this would be a cold approach.

>I definitely understand as I'm on a tight schedule myself but you look as if you could make use of my pens efficiency. I'm not in the business of wasting people time as it's the only commodity that we can't get more of.

>>656021
Rather than using the cheapest damn pens you can get and throwing them away have you ever considered using just one nice pen? Yeah 15$ is a lot more than you have ever spent on a pen before but unlike the shitty bic sticks you are accustomed to these can be refilled. The refills for these pens are way nicer for writing and hold last a lot longer than a six pack crappy bics. Not only are you getting a better writing experience by getting a Parker IM, you are doing something good for the environment by choosing one of these over the disposable junk you would have other wise used. How is this possible you might ask? Well that's because you just keep on using this one pen for the rest of your life.

Well Jim (I'm assuming your name is Jim), given our current backlog, I can get 20k units in 4 weeks, $2.50 a unit. I can have an additional 10k units ready each week thereafter at $2.35 a unit. As far as packing, we can do singles or 2 packs, just need to know 2 weeks before ship. I'll have legal run through your terms and conditions - but it should be fine as we've done business with Staples in the past. (I'm assuming you're the procurement lead for staples because why the fuck else would I be trying to sell you a pen?)

>>657577
Haha, nothing like it fellow.
I suspect, however, that you might fall in to that category yourself. Assuming you have any wealth at all, that is.

Women will literally suck your dick if they see you with this pen.

It costs 20 thousand dollars.

Despite the fact it costs $5 Wholesale to make,
We believe you're the kind of guy who needs expensive status symbols to soothe his ego,
And to justify your outrageous lifestyle.

Here at Acme Pens, we understand this.

We put 80% of our profits into marketing and advertising,
So you can rest assured that any woman who sees this pen, will know it is a $20,000 pen,
And that you are fucking loaded.

A Blowjob is quite common once this knowledge becomes known.

pen thread?
pen thread.
>not using fountain pens
it's like you faggots want to write with bic sticks all your life

>>658288
This is /biz. People who want to be productive don't post here. Fountain pens are a pain in the ass if you aren't going to do lots of writing.

>>658261
>he thinks $20,000 pens cost $5 to make

These pens are generally hand made with platinum, mammoth ivory, meteorite, fossilized wood, lava, diamonds, etc.

>>658319
Some people do write every day and won't let the nib dry out, though. Fountain pens are much better in this situation.

Hey can you write this phone number down for me?
>I don't have a pen.
Here you go.

>Get pen
>Arrange to sell pen to friend for "10M$"
>Omg anon, this is the most expensive pen in the world, you need to have it
>Profit

Hand over card that says "please support my independence by purchasing this pen while I attend the school for the deaf, dumb and mute"

>>656032
post pics of sister

That scene always annoyed me.

I remember working doing web design years ago, and the CEO actually used that line when hiring sales guys. "Sell me this pen" and I'd get to hear people fuck it up on the regular.

I think the only reason he did it was for laughs, because it's a ridiculous idea and merits no real value or information about sales.

Hence why pretty much everyone in this is joking, save for a few idiots who've actually taken it seriously and presumably just have no idea what they're talking about, see:

>>656222
>>656907

Your job as a salesman isn't to sell, unless you're working for a company who's doing it wrong. Your job is qualify, quantify, and to remove any obstacles to the sale. Anything else is just a waste of time.

Hence why these are the only reasonable responses:

>>656923
>>656694

and everything else in this thread is showing why salesmen get paid decent wages.

Set pen up so it is just about to fall apart, give pen to potential customer, when it falls apart go apeshit and demand 10 dollars.

OP, how long have you been in the market for a pen?

>>656021
forget that one,
This is kind of pen you want

>*drops false presigned blank check*
>hey sir, bla bla bla they just stole my wallet and i need some liquids
>i have this valuable pen on me which is very worthy and rare
>i can sell it for 250$ as i'm in need

>>656021
THIS UGLY MOTHERFUCKER GETS BITCH'S PHONE NUMBERS LIKE CRAZY
>buy this pen and his secret will be revealed

Sold! Please send payment here.
bitcoin:12BWhvbJf1FH9fkBJewhwNx7xDapGP47jG

>Hi Mr Johnson, thanks for agreeing to meet with me, i know your time must be valuable. I'm here to pitch you some of our stationary products.
>This here is your biro
>This here is your biro after you step on it, and these are your pants when it leaks, ruining those £200 suit trousers (show pictures).
>This here is one of the pens from our "Finesse Vanguard" line. I've been using the same pen for all my time while selling these incredible things, and can tell you, i personally can not find anything better
>If you're interested, we can sell these pens $2 per unit, obviously with greater quantities we can offer larger discounts, as you can see on this chart. (Hand him small foldable infographic)
>The thing i can't stress enough is that you will actively be saving money in the long run by using these pens, they are extremely durable and will only require cartridge refills when the ink runs out, which we also offer. When an employee is getting through 3/4 pens a month, thats $6 of your money gone. Give them an attractive pen, and they'll be more protective of it, and the extra durability will prevent damage. You've suddenly cutting stationary costs by two thirds. I'm obliged to tell you that we also offer you personalization on each pen for a minimal price, and it seems like an good idea to promote employees to further protect their stationary, but between you and me i've found that can cause conflicts in the workplace.
>I'll leave this one here with you to take a test drive of sorts. If you're interested in hearing more or making us your pen supplier, give me a call on this card. Its not on my card, but i'm also giving you my personal mobile phone number. Call me anytime 24/7 365 days a year. I'll be the one to answer your call and deal with any business. I'll let you get back to work now, thank you for your time.

>"Buy this pen or I'm going to fucking kill you!, >c'mon hurry up, give me your wallet, and the watch.
> hurry hurry faggot, let's go where going to an ATM...
>DONT FUCKING LOOK AT ME!!! TURN AROUND TURN AROUND I'lL FUCKING BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT ON THAT PICTURE OF YOUR KIDS!!!"

I think it would work

>>656021
this pen was designed by apple

It baffles me how pen technology has been stuck in a rut for at least 10 years.

What the fuck is happening? Does companies like Bic not invest in R&D? Do we really not have a better, cleaner substitute for regular ink?

>>659508
no. It's leveled out

>he didn't remove the ink and sell it separately as pen-loadable content