/biz/ - Business & Finance

>ooook this interview is over

holy fucking based

>>54366815
>yes it is.

This is how my interview will go tomorrow

>>54366835
Make sure to record it on one of those hidden cameras and post it online.

>Can you explain this gap in your employment?
>Yes that's the time I was fucking your mom.

Great thread op

>>54366774
Quick hide the thread, janny is coming. Financially speaking

>>54366918
Kek. That would make a good viral video.

>>54366774
>make it
>apply for jobs for fun
>show up to interviews and be a total piece of shit to wagies
>piss pants during interview then take a flask out and drink
>call hr girls “honey” till they tell me stop then switch to “sweetie” or “buttercup” for pure seethe
>rip ass from protein shakes but never acknowledge it
>look at phone constantly, ask them to repeat questions
>take way to long to answer questions
>when get bored just walk out without saying anything
>know they have no power over me the entire time
>watch them seethe

>>54367071
Unfathomably based desu. I want to believe that this is real damn it.

>>54366774
trolling recruiters is based
I love applying for jobs and asking them to provide me 5 references of previous employees for the job listed and their total compensation
the interview is always over at that point but I'm a comfy neet and they can all tongue my anus

>>54367287
It's ironic that I'm supposed to fill out 10 forms and schedule 3 different interviews
But if you ask for former employee experiences they get all buttblasted

If I was interviewing you, you'd be hired on the spot.

>>54367318
I agree, the double standards are gay
another good one is to ask them why this job opening exists and what happened to the last person. it's rare that it's a new opening and usually the recruiter gets defensive while providing a rote response such as normal turnover or the previous person moved on, yes but why? in general, everything they require from you they will be loathe to provide in turn and it's hilarious

Digital Asset Fund Manager
>Managed a high value digital asset portfolio on behalf of third-party entities via personalized risk assessment strategies; achieving extreme consistent growth (AAR: 900%)
>(bought a few linkies for mum)

Liquidity Provider
>Provided high value liquidity to leading Automated Market Maker protocols
>(parked linkies on amm scam)

APR Strategist:
>Established various APR generating strategies via distributed service provisioning models; such as peer-to-peer lending and liquidity providing, and data aggregating, data curating and court arbitrating protocols.
>(memestaking and yield farming)

Angel Investor/Venture Capitalist:
>Assisted cutting-edge startups in securing early-stage funding via distributed protocols; consultancy on hyper-growth scaling and marketing
>(threw a few eths at scam ico's, shilled in telegram groups)

Marketing Consultant/Lead Visual Designer
>Contributed key artwork and led marketing strategy campaigns for leading fintech startups
>(made a few pepes, hired pajeets to shill on biz)

Fintech (Financial Technology) Expert & Research
>Deep dive research and up-to-date expertise focused on academic whitepapers, industry reports, R&D in the fast-moving fintech sector
>(read the first pages of chainlink and wef whitepapers)

Quantitative Algorithmic Trader & Technical Market Analyst
>Developed specialized trading automation tools and applied advanced mathematical and geometrical study models to succeed in high-risk financial market environments
>(made a shitbot and drew some lines)

Fiscal Optimizer
>Optimized fiscal contributions via legal loopholes, geographic relocation and fund reallocation strategies
>(monero'd wallet and fucked off to Thailand)

>>54366774
>Please provide 3 references
>1) your mom
>2) your mom
>3) your mom

>>54366774
oh oh ho ho ho ho

>Can you explain this gap in your employment?
Yes. (refuses to elaborate further)

>>54367071
Kek

>>54368023
>uhh well. Go on?
>huh?
>about the gap?
>what?

>>54366774
you may not have gotten the job, but the based department would like a word

>>54366774

kek a biz thread thats actually hilarious? this is a first

>>54367491
Using this, ty anon

>>54366774
>Get the job
>Actually befriend your boss's mom
>Fuck her and make her join you in a scheme to mess with your boss
>Manipulate his savings to buy huge ammounts of VINU (important)
>Convince him that you actually were fucking his mother that time and make her confirm your story
And that's how you break a man

>wh... what the HECK did you just friggen say?!?!?!
>I swear on fauci and on all of science, you'll NEVER have a job ever aga-...
>DONT CUT ME OFF!!! WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!?!?
>RARSHAUNDA!!! CALL PARKESH AT THE FRONT DESK AND GET ME SECURITY

>>54366774
Yeah, you are hired.

>>54366774
>Can you explain this gap in your employment?
>It is proportional to the gap in your dad's ass

>>54367491
It seems you are overqualified for this position. Interview terminated

>It's none of your business.
This is the kino response.

>>54366774
AyV84

>>54366815
>>54366835
>>54366774
You have to go back.

Okay, can we please talk about your remuneration package?

How much?

>>54366774
>Can you explain this gap in your employment?
Yes

>>54367071
I'd be tempted to get a black T-shirt that said TOTAL NIGGER DEATH on it in white faux-Germanic letters in the front and the entire roundhouse kick pasta on the back, then just wander around San Francisco offices saying "Hi, I'm here for the job interview" to see how fast they call security.

>>54366774
Based.
Not even looking for a job, but I would just get an interview to try that joke.

>>54368023
oh someone already said it

Btw they should fucking evaluate a candidate by the time he was not working, not by the time he was slaving.
If for any reason I have a 5 years gap that's the best possible business card, it means that for reason I can provide myself a way to survive out of the rat race.

>>54366774
>

>>54368102
>I already said "Yes".

>>54373032
>Can you explain this gap in your employment?
Yeah, I didn't feel like working
>what did you do during that time?
idk just whatever really
>so why should I hire you?
you ask a lot of questions ma'am.

>>54373007
I mean that would be fucking epic but you'd need a jacket or something to wear in between destinations.

>>54373081
Black leather, obviously.

>>54366774

Please provide 3 professional references
>mfw I give the numbers of 3 of my friends that'll bullshit for me because I've burnt every bridge in my past

>>54367071
how do I achieve step 1?

>>54373146
I did it myself with different sim cards and old phones. HR toasties are clueless

>>54367071
this is what i would do once I make it

just apply to my local mcdonalds and see how much shit I can pull before they fire me

Employersisters, our response?

>sorry we don't provide salary info before giving an offer because we look for candidates who are in for the passion and not the money

>>54366835
I wish my job interviews were like that, I would be waiting for my fifth yacht with my sora card, and not for my new fridge bought at marketplace to be fucked up

>>54366774
made me laugh

>>54366774
>for 10 years?
>huh?
>10 years gap?
>mh?
>it's a 10 years gap?
>what?
>there is a 10 years gap?
>why?
>I'm asking you to explain?
>what?
>the gap?
>what gap?
>the 10 years gap in your resume?
>what resume?
>well, yours?
>my what?
>the 10 years gap in your resume?
>hold on - I have to take this call

>hello? oh just one question to answer before you can schedule the zoom meeting?
>the ten years gap?
>...
>uh-hu, what gap?
>...
>in my resume?
>...
>you called the former employer?
>...
>what did he say?
>...
>ten years ago?
>...
>the timeframe?
>...
>this is part of NDA
>...
>it's ten years ago?
>...
>uh-hu
>...
>mmh
>...
>that is about ten years
>...
>a gap?
>...
>uhh-hu. tomorrow?
>...
>200 k a year?
>...
>mmh. tomorrow 10 pm.
>...
>thank you.

>sorry. I had to take this call
>what the hell?
>so we we're talking about what?
>we we're talking about your 10 year gap
>what gap?
>the gap in your resume
>I don't know what you are talking about
>there is a ten year gap in your resume?
>mh. what ten years?
>the ten years between your last jobs.
>what jobs?
>get out!
>sorry I have to go, Meeting tomorrow and this is sadly leading nowhere here.
>get out!
>what?
>out!
>where?
>you. go. out!
>like now?
>yes now!
>but the 10 year gap. I was just going to explain
>so you know about your 10 year gap in the resume
>what resume?
>go out!
>where?
>you have to leave.
>I was already leaving. I just saw there is a 10 year gap in my resume. I should fix this.
>so you acknowledge your 10 year gap?
>what gap? sorry this is ridiculous, I don't have to waste my time here. Thank you for your time
>just leave already
>this is very unprofessional Sir, I will leave now

>>54366774
>>Can you explain this gap in your employment?
>I'm sorry, but I am required not to disclose my activities during that time.

you'll get the job AND get the hr roastie wet for you

>54374397
reads like a junior high kid trying to impress high schoolers

>>54373221
>Told them my reference was abroad and provided an Gmail address I produced 2 minutes earlier

Honest question: Why not put something company in there that went out of business since then?
How could HR roasties verify that I didn't work for SVB the last three years?

>>54374792
>Risk Manager
>FTX

>>54374859
Obviously not something critical in the companys downfall. But there must be a lot of drones that lost their job as well right?

>>54366774
Put Tourette's Syndrome somewhere in the resume and insult the everliving shit out of recruiters

>>54374892
How about having a serious resume but then you add something like
>2014 - 2016 Prison (sexual assault on HR worker)

>have female interviewer/recruiter
>constantly tell her that you're supportive of trans women like her

>>54366774
COVID.

>>54374397
Lmao I wish I had the charisma to pull off some stunt like that in an interview

>>54366774

this is way funnier than it has right to be