/biz/ - Business & Finance

>had a burger king binge last night
>went to sleep really late; woke up at 7.30 am; feel really tired
>for once I go straight back to sleep and wake up a few hours later
>browse internet and drink coffee
>have two retailcuck job interviews today
>leave flat; first time I've left flat before 11 am for days; it's sunny and warm and there are chads and Staceys everywhere ("Everyone works a soul crushing job, bro!")
>go to job interview (got rejected by email later today)
>walk near a famous university and see happy young people everywhere, which feels bad
>go to second job interview
>almost don't go in, in case they made me do a trial shift, but I go in
>almost don't ask to see manager for interview because there are zoomer chads and Staceys nearby
>manager really dislikes my CV because I've switched jobs a lot
>go back to flat
>spend 3 hours browsing internet and drinking coffee because I have nothing better to do
>go in to central London for my usual walk
>see lots of officeStaceys, which is demoralising
>now drinking coffee
>not sure what I'll eat today

It will soon not be worth getting a job before my new good one starts because I'll have to leave it so quickly.

I'm in a familiar position: In my 20s, with my own flat in London, huge amounts of free time during summer, a good job coming up which takes away my short and medium term career worries... yet utterly fucking demoralised, wasting all my money on junk food and £3 coffees, and wasting time on either internet browsing or walking around the same places, feeling sad about life. And agonising about life philosophies and epiphanies and my own laziness and my future hard life due to my ugliness etc.

I listened to the BEE / Tarankino podcast (which I have nostalgia over listening to in 2016). I thought about going to the cinema but the magic is dead.

I feel like such a sucker for buying coffee. But setting myself a rule to not buy one feels like cucking myself with spooks. I should freely choose not to buy it.

>had a good old fashioned junk food binge in my flat last night- Doritos, Ben and Jerry's etc.
>wake up at 6.30 am or maybe 7 am
>feel so damn tired but spend a few hours browsing internet on my phone in bed
>go back to sleep for a few hours, wake up at 11.40 am
>browse internet, drink coffee
>suddenly get multiple retailcuck job interviews; immediately feel pathetic for not making use of my NEETness
>go to gym for light lifting
>go in to central London; go for my usual walk; have seen very few Staceys today so I'm not too demoralised (left flat too early to see the officeStaceys); read first 50 pages of a history book in library
>now drinking coffee
>not sure what I'll eat today

I flail around between guilt for wagecuckery and guilt for not making use of my NEETness / guilt for not making as much money as I can at this moment. It's just 24/7 guilt plus agonising over whether or not to start my real and hard working life tomorrow.

I keep thinking of each job as the one that will straighten me out, give me structure, force me to become hard working and value my free time. Of course it never happens.

I get so jelly when I read about people with low rents in large cities because they can stand sharing because they have friends. I take so long to shave and shower and all that.

I tell myself I should draw a line under this long pointless period of my life by updating my (high level and private) diary, maybe compiling my selected posts in to an essential collection, maybe writing a work of fiction that is mostly based on myself. I keep putting it off. The book would be dull shit and focus on trivial things, although I think my shitposts have a definite small amount of sociological value because no other beta male writes as extensively as me on 4chan about everyday life. I guess the definitive beta diary would have him trying and failing. I mostly haven't tried.

I read China Mieville's wiki page and felt depressed at his success at a young age.

>binged on McDonalds last night but I had lifted weights so I didn't feel too fat
>wake up at 6 am after 5 hours of sleep
>browse internet on phone while lying in bed
>have a shit and look in bathroom mirror and see my, I think, slightly worse than before hairline; still probably many years from lookatdisdood tier but I still feel demoralised
>make a two post length life rant topic and post it on a few boards
>try to get back to sleep; can't
>leave bed, drink coffee, browse internet
>decide not to bother exercising because I'm too tired
>go in to central London to walk around; walk for 5.5 miles in total (inb4 an American says "But isn't that exercise???")
>walk past some famous places and the amount of Staceys and Instagram tier Staceys and a few genuine GigaStaceys was demoralising
>walk through some really hipsterish places; feel awful at my lost youth
>walk through some city of London skyscraper places and feel sad; see an investment bank I had an interview at years ago and failed; remembered looking up one of my interviewer's LinkedIn profiles and saw he had done maths at Cambridge (the ultimate in big brain degrees)
>had some supermarket sandwiches and now feel kind of full up
>now drinking coffee

I think I will soon have a job interview for another minimum wagecuck job. I apply for jobs that I don't even know if I want to take. If I don't work, I am a NEET intellectual but poorer. If I do work, I'm a born slave.

At least I don't have the Sunday night wagecuck sad feels.

I am too tired to feel pessimistic or optimistic right now.

>had a large fast food binge last night and went to bed at midnight while feeling so fat
>unironically sleep for 10.5 hours
>wake up today
>browse internet, drink coffee, do chores
>go to gym and heavy lifting goes well; feel less fat
>leave house at a very late time, after 4 pm, to go in to central London to walk around
>walk my usual route
>walk through a park
>listened to cumtown
>saw many Staceys and qts because it's a warm day; felt sad
>now drinking coffee and planning to binge on McDonalds and then go home and maybe read a book but more likely waste time online

At least I have a fond memory of seeing OUATIH yesterday.

There's nothing else to say. As a NEET I know that I won't feel the Sunday night sadness tomorrow.

The McDonalds burgers aren't as meaty as Burger King and it is all kind of bland. But the chips are great, in their own unique way. I have no food in my flat. I have procrastinated buying healthy food for a few weeks.

I read an article about the high rent prices of student flats and felt happy.

I had an afternoon coffee in a large shopping centre a few days ago and looking down at all the people in the large area was like watching ants or NPCs in an RTS. When I walk through the really shiny new developments like Canary Wharf, and similarly styled shopping areas, it feels like being in a videogame where the stores are protected by an invisible wall.,

>had a McDonalds binge last night
>woke up today at 9 am
>browsed internet, drank coffee
>left it really late to go to a fast food retailcuck job interview; leave flat but when it becomes 10 am I go straight back to my flat instead of walking in late; kind of glad I was late because working the job would've been humiliating
>decide to go and see the new Tarankino
>go and see it, and stupidly buy a drink and popcorn; those plus the ticket cost me £26 (felt like a natural sucker) and I suddenly regretted missing the interview
>film was kino
>felt really depressed / demoralised / depressilised after seeing the bathroom mirror reflection of myself after the film
>go for my usual walk in central London
>see lots of Friday Staceys and feel sad
>now drinking coffee
>read a pol topic mentioning NRx and the idea of born slaves and now I'm happier that I'm a NEET
>haven't exercised today and feel fat; will probably have a fast food binge tonight anyway

I hadn't been to the cinema since seeing Blade runner 2049 in late 2017. Film and Hollywood really feels totally dead. I remember going to the cinema a lot to feel better during sad times (basically my entire adult life). Films are not relevant at all, culturally. Just like novels.

I am on NEETbux and have enough money but due to some slightly complicated stuff I won't go in to, an hour worked this month will earn me much more than an hour worked next month.

I listened to Blink 182 while browsing the internet and then saw an LA love letter movie. Not living in the past and in LA is pure cope. Only 80s and 90s New York can compare.

>had a tasty burger king binge last night
>woke up at 10 am, felt tired
>browsed internet, drank coffee, did chores
>read 60 pages of a book (still felt unfulfilled because it's mere consumercuckoldry)
>went to gym and the lifting seemed to be going ok until my tiredness kicked in and I had to finish early because I'm too weak
>also realised that my 3 week routine, which will culminate in 160 kg squats for 10x3, is less impressive than the 5x5 I did of the same weight 2.5 months ago; (the routine also stretched in to a 5 week routine because I skipped so many days)
>go in to central London to walk around
>walk my normal route
>Thursday is the new Friday, so I see lots of Staceys and qts getting ready to enjoy life, which is demoralising
>now drinking coffee

I have a retailcuck job interview tomorrow. I foolishly said I could work any amount of time. I have failed at being productive as a NEET. But I also failed to be productive during my free time as a wagecuck. I feel like this makes me a born slave and I need to turn down the job and work hard on stuff to redeem myself. The best case scenario is that I go tomorrow and get rejected and then I work hard.

I have said to myself a few times before: Just one more period of many hours of work and then I'll have the savings to be a guilt free NEET when the time comes. But I work and waste the money at the same time. I am a born consumercuck slave. But maybe I rationally see that I am ugly, charismaless etc. and therefore doomed.

I can't bear giving up coffee (or even only having it before 6 pm) to get good sleep, to lift well. I am at the max potential for myself in this state of bad sleep and skipped gym days.

I am enjoying the book. It is an upper middlebrow but fun book. The 20th century is the last century where British politicians and secret services can ever be depicted in fiction as anything serious, simply because of the UK's smallness.

Losing my freedom is so awful but I have no motivation to do anything.

>had junk food last night
>woke up at 7 am
>browsed internet on phone in bed instead of going back to sleep
>went back to sleep and was woken by alarm; had a retailcuck job interview at 10.15 am
>rainy day in London
>was almost late but jogged some of the way; I jogged for exercise yesterday; it's like pottery
>had to have a 45 minute trial where they asked me to do the menial retailcuck duties and I felt so pathetic (I'm 28)
>served customers; prepared food; did some cleaning
>I was so bad at cutting food and shit at the technique required
>despite being the school nerd, and having a STEM degree, I worried about being bad at preparing food as an indication of a low IQ (I worry about just-world human sorting, where everyone ends up where they deserve, in terms of their IQ (and IQ is overwhelmingly the main thing to care about and includes the ability to defer gratification, stay motivated etc))
>realise that I'll ask for part time hours because I can't stand full time
>it really hits home to me how I need to learn programming or have expertise in something
>go back to flat
>know I'm too tired to exercise today
>browse internet, drink diet Dr pepper, drink coffee
>sit at laptop in flat and feel like I have no motivation; feel ineffective and powerless; feel like I've never done anything non-trivial in my life
>read LinkedIn accounts; read the account of a guy who lived near me in my hometown (but I've never met) but is making probably over £100k at an exciting and growing company; he's only 2 years older than me
>go outside in to central London, in the rain, which is comfy
>go to the usual places
>walk through a park
>now drinking coffee

I did well at school and came from a middle class family (and I'm ugly and have zero charisma) so I know that society cheers on my failure.

I'm not sure what I'll eat tonight. I keep postponing the rest of my life so a junk food binge is acceptable.

I saw some Staceys and felt sad. Diet cola hasn't stopped my junk food cravings

What are some books or philosophies that will help me to stop wasting every day of my life and start working hard and avoiding wasting my money on junk food and coffee, all without feeling cucked by Taylorism, and also allowing me to feel like I have free will?

>wake up at around 9.30 am
>browse internet, drink coffee, do chores
>apply for jobs that I could leave my future job for if I dislike it; applying for jobs is my only vaguely productive habit and it feels pathetic to not be able to do anything as a NEET except apply to be a wagie
>start reading a new book but it feels so consumercucky and pointless and I will leave it for later
>go jogging and it feels good
>go in to central London
>go to a famous museum and see exhibits
>see Japanese stuff and wonder what the Chinese people in the room think of it
>have a phone call relating to a retailcuck job interview I will have tomorrow, and which I'm likely to get (I can afford to do nothing but I can get more money this way; my current aspirations are more emergency savings, starting a savings account, and putting some money in to crypto so I can feel the market thrills with biz)
>see a demoralising amount of tourist Staceys (see a very demoralising office Stacey / qt hybrid later on)
>go on my usual walk
>sit in a library, skim through a book
>now drinking Starboocks at eets pyoorest
>eaten nothing all day, not sure what I'll have

I see office Staceys and now imagine them giving me bad performance reviews because they dislike me.

The way benefits work in the UK, working one hour could leave me only £3/hr net better off. But not if my some other stuff happens, in which case the hours I'll have worked through the month may leave me £8.21/hr better off. My situation is weird and the only certainty is that I'm lazy, want money, but haven't yet become vaguely frugal.

I made a topic on pol yesterday that really captured the right wing news consumer experience.

http://archive.4plebs.org/pol/thread/222784993

I haven't slept enough and I have felt tired all day.

I need to actually do stuff. I need to make a plan. But I hate plans because it's like admitting I'm an innate failure.

>had a McDonalds binge last night and then went home in the dark but without the Sunday sadness
>woke up today at 7 am, felt so tired
>slept for a few more hours
>woke up, still felt tired
>browse internet, drink coffee, waste time, post some good shitposts
>consider going back to parents'house for a week but trains cost so much
>almost go jogging but decide to postpone things until tomorrow
>go to retailcuck job interview and thankfully it wasn't too involved or long
>go back to flat but buy a small amount of junk food on the way back
>browse internet, delay going in to central London
>lie in bed, feeling tired
>go in to central London and have my usual walk
>now drinking coffee
>almost don't make this topic because nothinghappened lol but I may as well

>woke up at 7 am; had to drink over a litre of water because of yesterday's McDonalds and pepsi max binge; go back to sleep
>woke up at 9 am
>still tired, try to go back to sleep, can't
>browse internet, drink coffee
>have retailcuck interview later today
>have potential job interview at burger king but I don't know if I could mentally bear the humiliation of working there
>want to go back to parents' house for a week but trains are so expensive for some reason; and I need to go to my NEETbux meeting next week
>due to some combination of prior pay, NEETbux, and so on that I won't bother explaining, working now will get me more money than working in the next few months

I have alternated between NEETness and respectable 9-5 office work and retailcuck recently and it's all soul crushing. The NEETness slightly less but not by much

How do I go from lazy to very hard working immediately? From constantly wasting time online to doing productive stuff in my free time?

>have burger king binge last night
>wake up today
>drink coffee, browse internet
>go to wagecuck job interview but I'm late so I don't go in
>go back to flat and clean it; no existential benefits detected
>go jogging and it feels good
>go in to central London to feel sad about life
>walk around; see Staceys and feel sad
>go to library but leave early because being there feels pseudy and pathetic
>ride a bus
>get off and walk around
>go to British museum but only stay there for 5 minutes to use the toilet
>see what books are being sold there and make a mental note to never read them
>see Chinese woman sitting with her eyes closed; Think "'Don't speak. Thinking of luxury goods."
>see the university of London area and feel sad at having missed out on all that
>go to British library and see happy young people and I feel sad
>the place feels so Reddit
>go on underground train
>woman in front of me takes a long time to use the ticket gate; think ">same species"
>group of three men in the underground train are talking to each other and joking
>the sound of irl regular socialising is so unfamiliar to me, I get annoyed at their tones, as if they're trying to act like podcasters in public
>now drinking coffee; plan to go to McDonalds afterwards

I've never been late for something truly important, like a job interview for a job I really wanted or an exam.

>wake up
>drink coffee, browse internet
>do some chores outside
>browse internet, drink coffee
>go to retailcuck interview
>drink coffee, browse internet
>go in to central London for my usual walk
>see a distressing amount of Staceys and qts on the underground
>feel like a loser even though I have free time and a good upcoming job in a few months
>looked at LinkedIn last night and everybody was either an interest rates trader who had gone to a private school and was 4 years younger than me or are senior programmers or something
>looked at Oxford maths and physics MSci past papers and felt like a subhuman for not having gone to an elite university despite having the a levels to do so and being the school nerd
>now drinking coffee on a busy Friday evening, no idea what I'll eat

For some reason I am envisioning my future job, and my not fitting in, and all my co-workers going drinking after work without me and taking part in office parties and so on. I can't be bothered with all that. They will hate me because the UK is a homogenous hivemend.

I've been unhappy during every combination of full time / part time, office / retailcuck, hometown / London, work.

Normies are always happy because every action they take is rewarded by other normies and increases their chances of success.

Some of my lifestyle views have been influenced by Taleb. I still think Antifragile is a great book. But I need to take what's good and move on. I am an autistic Anglo (brain), not a Med or Med wannabe. His "lazy half mafioso don, half Greek philosopher who only needs to laze in the sun to get great insights" schtick is do dumb and try hard. The alt right Twitter accounts are tearing him to shreds in hilarious ways. Although now that I am thinking what will change, I am still in the middle of the nihilistic void.

I pray for news stories about my former co-workers being in car accidents.

Going anywhere in zone 1 or 2 is now boring as fuck.

>woke up at 6.30 am
>I'll just browse the internet on my phone for a short while
>now 9:07 am
>have time for 30 minutes of sleep before I have to go to work

>binged on McDonalds last night and then wasted time on internet as the normies enjoyed life
>wake up at 9 am, feeling really tired
>get out of bed, mindlessly browse internet, drink coffee, do chores
>feel so purposeless at 2 pm; the mindless internet browsing is a sub-consumercuck state
>decide to skip exercise today so I can experience more daytime
>go in to central London and go walking
>walk over 6 miles; feel sad at seeing qts and Staceys
>currently drinking coffee and unsure whether to binge at McDonalds or burger king or eat something at home

I'm just so aimless. There are brief moments where I think an epiphany will come: yesterday after McDonalds in the evening as I was on the underground train home and the carriage was filled with happy young people, including GigaStaceys and I realise there is no chance of me being one of them; when I accidentally make eye contact with random girls and they look away instantly and I'm reminded my beta ugliness and my life on hard mode. I think that these incidents might jolt me in to working hard on stuff in my free time and becoming frugal or whatever. But I always remain a passenger in life.

My NEETbux will probably be higher than I expected.

I may finally finish a book today when I get home, if I don't waste time on the internet.

>woke up at around 9 am, feeling kind of tired
>browse internet in bed for around an hour, then try to get back to sleep but I can't
>get out of bed, drink coffee, browse internet
>go to gym and lifting goes great; feel physically great after two consecutive days of exercise
>go in to central London to walk around and feel sad about life
>walk my usual walk
>feel demoralised after seeing Staceys and qts
>go to a library and look at some books
>ride on a bus
>walk a bit more, in some sort of new development area with huge glass offices and faux rustic and hipsterish restaurants
>distressingly large number of happy young people there
>now drinking coffee and will maybe binge soon at McDonalds

I forgot to mention that I had a KFC binge a few days ago and it was quite good. I keep telling myself the binges will stop soon but the brutal truth is that they are crucial for my quality of life.

The bus went through this large 50s or 60s style council estate and I have no idea who lives in these places.

Being a 28 year old boomer feels disgusting. I'm so old and past it. I feel jealous about other people having their youths ahead of them.

I saw a BBC show advertised that talked about posh people finding it much easier to get jobs. My life would be easy if I was posh and could fit in.

When I see pictures of Vitalik while I make less than £2.5k a month after tax I feel so stupid and lazy and pathetic. I'm like a worm compared to him

>wake up
>have to wake up early; initially feel really tired but the feeling has 90 % gone but I am carrying a compressed ball of tiredness in me
>do some chores outside; felt sad at seeing officeStaceys
>go back to flat
>waste time, drink coffee, do more chores, go outside to do more chores
>ride a bus, which is novel for me; you can really see the run down nature of London from a bus
>girl in the bus on the phone had that working class accent that everyone on here would associate with British porn, though I can't figure out which type it was (accent, not porn)
>haven't exercised for 3 or 4 days but I don't feel too bad; my weight is somehow decreasing
>go back to flat
>unopened Doritos and dip in my flat from a previous binge; not sure what to do with it
>leave flat
>walk my usual route in central London, spend a short time at a library, now drinking coffee

I'm such a consumercuck. I use consumercuck interfaces like paper and online forms and word and excel and it feels so pathetic. I should be the one creating these interfaces. I wish I had gone to an elite university. I wish I had gone to a public school (English posh private school with buildings older than the USA).

I wish I had the energy to do anything. I wish I was a doer, not a consumercuck. I'm actually in a sub-consumercuck state because I haven't even read many books or watched good movies recently. I just waste time online to procrastinate life. It's just the 4chan - 24 hour news - Reddit - a few more websites - 2048 - YouTube merry go round.

I went for a job interview a few days ago in the City of London for a job and it felt insufferable to see the empty suits who all look similar to the empty suits at my job but more laminated. One day I'm the youngster in awe of the place. The next day I'm the fellow adult who sees them as insufferable. Though I still admire silicon valley types.

I considered moving to zone 5 to pay less rent in exchange for a longer commute. But I would feel inferior.

>woke up
>decided to skip exercise today
>drank coffee, wasted time online
>went to retailcuck job interview
>went back to flat, browsed internet, binged on junk food
>didn't leave flat until really late, after 8 pm
>now drinking coffee

This day is a bigger waste than most. I unironically haven't even seen a Stacey.

I spent the first 5 waking hours worried about a tight heart feeling, before realising it was chest doms.

Did Londonfrog have a happy and fulfilling day today? In principle yes, except instead of being happy I was in a slight malaise and instead of a fulfilling day it was an aimless waste.

>woke up
>feel tired but get up, do chores, browse internet, drink coffee
>go to gym and it mostly goes well
>go in to central London
>walk around a large upmarket shopping centre; walking around a large shopping centre during winter last year (or the year before, I can't remember), during a dark Sunday evening, was kind of traumatising; on a lazy Monday afternoon it feels normal, although my mood has been attenuated since then
>went walking through another shopping centre that was lower market but still demoralising
>saw a literal unironic blonde bimbo gymthot woman
>went for my usual walking route
>sat in library and read more of the Philip K Dick novel and it descended in to aimlessness after its initial interesting premise
>now drinking coffee in central London; not sure what I'll eat

There's nothing to report. I have very little motivation to do anything. Why bother when all women and normies get everything handed to them?

The mental attribute I want most isn't more intelligence, it's that high energy go getter attitude that silicon valley types have and which I don't have. University really crushed my motivation. It was 4 years of horrendously dull shit. I think I was Pavloved in to hating all work. I need to become a producerbull.

But even high energy wouldn't really solve nihilism in this age. In every direction there is shitloads of stuff I know nothing about. I could learn about, for example, analysing statistics with a computer, but then I'd feel guilty for not having more understanding of probability, formal proofs, low level programming languages, etc. The only true fundamental skill in modern society is social skills / networking / fitting in.

The new YouTube Prince of Zimbabwe video is about NEETs and it's not the heroic conception that I thought he'd portray.

>woke up at 9 am, feeling tired because I browsed the internet until 3 am (I mentally convinced myself that throwing away a few years of my life to climb the corporate ladder a bit could be worth it)
>browse internet and drink coffee for 3 hours
>read 30 pages of a book
>decide to skip exercise but then see a post calling me fat, so I went jogging and it felt good
>went in to central London
>went walking down a slightly hipsterish, close to zone 1 but not quite gentrified area
>went to the British library and saw the sex having time of their lives having thick solid fresh hot wet tight students studying what they love and I felt so sad that my youth is over (I'm 28)
>sat on a bus
>now drinking coffee and feeling sad
>considering a binge soon

I saw the slightly run down area with the council houses. I wonder what this place would look like if housing benefits stopped existing and councils charged the highest rents possible.

It feels like nothing in London was built between 1970 and 2005. I viewed some former council flats to live in when moving to London and they were tiny cuckboxes designed for a population with 95 % and 70 % of the current average heights and weights. Everything in the street looked similar.

I'm so sick of being fed this idea by the media that I'm supposed to feel sorry for inner city minorities. Literally imagine complaining about being given housing in central London. I couldn't give a single fuck about knife crime as long as they don't come near me.

I'm the guy who wrote that "how do you react" topic with the Chad and Stacey that is popular. I also wrote that "the mafia is dead" post. I also wrote that "Stacey the People Operations analyst" post you may have seen on biz or pol.

There haven't been many Staceys or qts to feel demoralised about today.

I am currently imagining myself acting with a fake enthusiastic manner in my next job but it feels excruciating when I try to simulate it.

I have nothing to do tomorrow and all day to do it.

>be yesterday
>be me
>woke up at 6 am, feeling tired
>lie in bed, browse internet on phone
>can't sleep more so I do chores and browse internet and drink coffee
>current internet timesink routine is to listen to music while playing 2048, while suckling on 24 hour news like a rat in an experiment
>read 20 pages of a book, eat food
>about to go to gym in early afternoon but sleep for an hour instead
>go to gym and lifting goes really well and I feel invigorated
>it's late afternoon and I waste some more time by applying for jobs or something
>go to have coffee outside to feel less alone but waste time at a library instead
>skim through books I'm interested in but not enough to read fully
>go back home, feeling sad at seeing the Friday night normies
>have a small junk food binge, go to sleep
>wake up today feeling fine
>waste time online, do chores, apply for jobs
>decide to skip exercise today because it's rainy (don't feel fat anyway)
>go outside after 1 pm
>walk my usual route in central London; it's rainy so the place doesn't feel as upbeat;
>sit in library
>start reading novel but stop after 5 pages because the main character is flirting with a woman and it triggers me
>start a PKD book and read for 25 pages
>leave and walk around more, feeling sad at seeing GigaStaceys
>ride on top deck of a bus to see the city and the qts (not as many when it's cloudy)
>walk around some more
>now drinking coffee and feeling sad about life
>will most likely binge at McDonalds soon (not a guilty binge)

I need to use this period of free time to prove to myself that I can be productive under my own initiative.

I have no books I really want to read. There's nowhere in London I really want to see. My weekend posts had so much more emotion 2 years ago. Now I'm just numb. I also don't really feel social awkwardness any more in many situations. Just deep cynicism, detachment, and apathy. But most of all, a deep understanding of how my ugliness makes everything in life more difficult.

Anon, how many BTC will be in your stack by the time of the May 2020 halvening?

>woke up
>did some chores that involved going outside on an extremely hot and sunny day and feeling demoralised at seeing all the Chads and Staceys
>decided to not bother exercising today as I sat in my flat in the morning, browsing the internet and drinking coffee
>had two packets of instant noodles, which tasted good but then immediately made me feel like a disgusting mess
>my extreme lack of purpose really got me down
>leave flat at a late time and went to a famous museum; saw some new parts of it
>went on my regular walk, which felt slightly better because it has been two days since I walked it
>skimmed through political biography and autobiography in library
>now drinking cafe Nero at eets pyoorest in central London while feeling sad about life

I have no motivation to do anything. I always feel like life is passing me by. I look back at life and I always feel like I've been too passive and like a spectator to my own life.

I looked through the politics books and it is kind of sickening to see the level of networking and relationships that goes in to successful lives and then thinking about my own future.

Walking around London and outside feels utterly pointless and inert. It's like in vidya when the overworld / hub level is totally sterile and non-interactive and, as a kid, I'd explore them and look for secrets to no avail.